Growth Has A Price

"When the storm is out on the ocean and the violent wind gets to blowing......oh take me back, all the way back, to my first love!" 
(Take Me Back by Maverick City Music)

Lord, I want to be whole! I want to be free! I want to be so sensitive to your Spirit that I say what you want me to say, see things how you see them, act like you would act, and love like you love! I want to forgive! I want be renewed and restored! Help me to hunger for your presence and thirst for your word! I want to offer everyone you put in my path; your light and hope!

I don't want to self-protect or build walls that hide all that you have redeemed in me!

I don't want to hesitate to trust or love others because I think the risk is too high.

I don't want my wounds and scars to SCREAM LOUDER than my FAITH!

I won't remain stuck in my hurt, with my head down, going around in circles, lost in the feelings that get me nowhere.

I don't want to pretend or stay superficial because I am afraid people won't like the real me.

Fear has no place here. It takes up too much space. It crowds out your grace, your mercy, your abundant promises, and your truth.

Lord, help me to have a posture of humility rather than pride that comes so natural and robs me of your blessings.

This season of winter will not hang around forever....the "SON" has not left me. His radiance and warmth faithfully draws me closer. Springtime always comes after the cold and the thawing of my heart begins. Seeds of hope take root and begin to break through the hard soil. When the storm blows over there is fresh ground for new growth, new sweet fruit, new opportunities, news songs, and endless possibilities. He is ALIVE in me doing a new thing!

I will not let the enemy steal my songs of praise, my worship will rise up and my soul will still declare His Holy name!

I CHOOSE joy no matter the circumstances.
I BELIEVE in your promises!
I have HOPE that holds on through the strongest of storms.

God you are so good. You are working even when I can't see it. You are there even when I can't feel you. You have never let me go.

Here is to new beginnings, however painful it might have been to get here.
Take me back to my first love......... you Jesus!

"Even the wilderness and desert will be glad in those days. The wasteland will rejoice and blossom with spring crocuses. Yes, there will be an abundance of flowers and singing and joy! The deserts will become as green as the mountains of Lebanon, as lovely as Mount Carmel or the plain of Sharon. There the Lord will display his glory, the splendor of our God. With this news, strengthen those who have tired hands, and encourage those who have weak knees." Isaiah 35:1-3

Piece by Piece by Kelly Clarkson

I was driving my kids with me to the DMV and the song Piece by Piece by Kelly Clarkson came on the radio. I had heard the song before and thought it was good. But for some reason, that day, I listened to the words a little more closely. They destroyed me!

Flashbacks of my childhood and experiences with ex-boyfriends slammed into me and caught me off guard! It was like a movie reel flipping through a horror film or at minimum a bad drama! Growing up I felt so many times like I was falling apart. Piece by piece. The lies. The hurt. The fear. The abandonment. The loneliness. The pain. The words in the song pierced my heart. It was like they were meant for me....

"But piece by piece he collected me

Up off the ground where you abandoned things, yeah

Piece by piece he filled the holes

That you burned in me at six years old

And you know,

He never walks away

He never asks for money,

He takes care of me

He loves me

Piece by piece he restored my faith

That a man can be kind and a father could... stay"

"Piece by piece I fell far from the tree

I will never leave her like you left me

And she will never have to wonder her worth

Because unlike you I'm going to put her first

And you know,

He'll never walk away,

He'll never break her heart

He'll take care of things,

He'll love her

And piece by piece he'll restore my faith

That a man can be kind and a father should be great"

Of course, I started crying, as I'm trying to drive. I think, "Oh no my kids are going to think I'm weird. Again. The tears keep falling. 

But my tears were not ones of sadness! Sounds crazy right? I was crying because I was overwhelmed with LOVE! Yes, seeing those past images was hard but the stronger feeling that pushed all that away was this song, these words, described my husband! He helped collect the pieces. He never walked away. He takes care of me and loves me. He restored my faith that a man could be kind and a father could stay and be great. My children will never know what it is like for their dad to turn his back on them or wonder about their worth because he left them."

I am crying because deeper than the love of Bryan is the love of my Savior!  My worth does not come from my family, my past, or even my husband. Who I am is a Child of God! He determined how much I am worth by putting His son on the cross. Jesus took my brokenness and put all the pieces back together again. He healed the wounds that were so deep. Burned in my soul. He restored my faith by showing me His perfect love. That I didn't have to earn or doubt. 

My daughter thought I was upset and started rubbing my shoulder. I stared her in the eyes and said, "I am crying tears of joy because your dad is all of those things! More importantly God is the one who guides your dad and loves us beyond anything we can ever imagine!"

"And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." Ephesians 3: 17-19

Not Hiding Anymore!

Since I was little I have been pretty good at hiding either physically or mentally. When my parents started arguing I would hide in my room with my hands over my ears trying to block it all out. When my mom was angry I would hide in my bed under the covers hoping she wouldn't find me. If I knew my sister was after me I would hide in the shower, locking the bathroom door terrified she would get me.

As I got older I got even better at hiding my thoughts, feelings, emotions, and pain. I would escape into a book or deflect what was really going on by using humor or making a joke. If you make people laugh they rarely ask if anything is wrong. I hid behind getting good grades, doing sports, joining different clubs, or dating cute boys. I hid behind walls of self-made protection not really wanting people to see what was going on at home. If you act like everything is fine most people are more comfortable with that. I got really good at pretending like nothing was the matter even though inside I wanted someone, anyone, to see everything was falling apart. So I continued to hide behind the fake smiles, the partying, and the superficial and unhealthy relationships.

But since I met Jesus I refuse to HIDE ANYMORE! I know sometimes I can be raw, intense, or a little too much. I might wear my emotions on my face or my feelings on my sleeve but I have nothing to hide. My past is behind me. Other people's actions do not define me. Tears do not make me weak. Knowing I am loved and loving others makes me stronger! If you see me at work, at home, at church, or out with my friends, I am the same person. I don't change who I am to fit those around me.

I feel things deeply. I love others a lot! I am passionate about many things! I have opinions and do not like injustice. I have a voice and I am not afraid to use it even when it's uncomfortable. I sometimes care more about the truth than if I am well liked. I don't hide behind closed doors. Afraid. Ashamed. Scared of what people might think. I know my identity is not in how much money I make, what house I live in, what car I drive, the size of my waist, or how good my kids do in school and sports.

I try not to act like I have it all together. I am a bit rough around the edges but hopefully more real than not. I am flawed and broken. I make a lot of mistakes. But I still refuse to hide. Jesus doesn't live in the darkness and he is okay with the messy. He doesn't ask for perfection but He does ask for me to show up. Whenever I feel the urge to hide under my covers or with my hands over my ears blocking out all the pain, He gently whispers, "Kimberley, I love you no matter what! Nothing you do can make me love you any less and nothing you do can make me love you anymore. I love you just because you are mine! You don't have to hide anymore!"

What are you hiding from? Isn't it time to stop and claim the promises of God?

"He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners..." Isaiah 61:1

Piles of "Crap"!

I am semi-organized...in my house everything has its place but the things I don't want to deal with especially paperwork to file, bills to be paid, mail to sort through, taxes to figure out, goes into a pile. Now they ARE organized piles. Piles with a purpose. Neat piles if you will. Sometimes I actually move them around, shuffle them a bit to make myself feel accomplished but rarely do I go through them except in a panic to find something. I don't actually "deal" with them on a regular basis.

Yesterday, I was FORCING myself to tackle one of the piles because we are getting our floor done and it must be gone. I DREADED going through it! I might even have been feeling some anxiety about how overwhelming the task was going to be and I didn't know where to start!

As I was procrastinating by painting the baseboards, because yeah that makes sense in the big scheme of things, it hit me! That the way I feel about those dumb piles is the way I feel about some of my issues! You know the issues we all have that we just don't want to take care of so we put them off. Maybe walk around them, act like they aren't there because thinking about them causes angst, apprehension, or fear. The conversations we might be avoiding, the sin we keep not confessing, the anger we let explode, the pride that halts our growth, the negative thoughts that make us critical, the perfectionism that makes us controlling......those issues that have been moving around in our life for a very long time.

Funny thing though even if I pretend my piles aren't there or flat out ignore them doesn't mean they go away by themselves. There is no magic fairy waving a wand or a genie twitching her nose that will make it all disappear. To clear those piles will take work, fortitude, the willingness to get to the bottom no matter what comes up, the courage to face the truth no matter how painful, the perseverance to not quit when it gets tough, and the humbleness to ask for help even if you are embarrassed. Some of those piles or issues seem like mountains too high to climb. It probably will get really messy before any progress is made. Why not leave them alone? What is it really hurting? My piles, my issues, are just who I AM!

"The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life." John 10:10 

Sometimes we wait too long and our marriages crumble, relationships drift apart, debt mounts, bitterness sets in, procrastination happens, certain sins become way too comfortable. We justify that others are worse or we outright deny that we have any issues at all. We settle for less than. We agree to "this is it". We don't claim the mighty promises of our generous God. We stick our head in the sand like an ostrich and let our "piles" accumulate, hinder, and stop us from living an awesome life!

But God created us to be free of all the stuff that trap us and keep us just going through the motions. "There is a true peace and satisfaction that comes from being completely submitted to God's will—knowing you are living in the manner He wants you to live. Then you are free to live the joyful life, the complete life, the free life—the life Jesus describes as "more abundant." (Yohn) 

Which pile do you want to tackle first? One paper, one issue at a time! It's about progress, not perfection!

Bubble Wrap!

I love bubble wrap! I love popping all the little bubbles. I love how you can wrap things up to protect them and feel secure they probably won't break. I love how it takes up so much space in a box that it takes a few minutes to get to your present or gift. Bubble wrap gives off the impression of "fragile, precious cargo inside."
 
As much as I love this stuff to keep THINGS safe, I have noticed that some PEOPLE around me seem to have encased themselves in kind of a "life bubble wrap"! Giving off the impression, "Leave me alone. I am in protection mode." There are many reasons why we might do this, some completely valid; hurt, rejection, abuse, fear, insecurities, doubts, hard circumstances, or maybe just being stuck. Instead of dealing with issues, we wrap one more layer around us, fighting off the feelings. Hoping the 'bubbles' will keep us from the pain the next time around. We wrap and wrap and wrap ourselves until one day we are so bound up we don't even recognize who we are anymore. What started out as protection is now suffocating us. Dodging future pain, running from all the possible problems, fear of what might happen again.. keep us from experiencing all of life. When you try to block out the 'bad' the 'good' has trouble getting through too.
 
I know life can be hard and constantly throwing you curve balls. That sometimes the pain can make you feel like you will never be able to breath freely again. Some days it takes everything in you just to get out of bed. I know how it seems like life will never be okay again...but I also know there is a HOPE! His name is Jesus.
 
I dare you, with His help, to start unwrapping. To face each day with courage, knowing He has your back. Refusing to live a life encased in 'Bubble Wrap' because the cross has freed you. It is okay to be scared. But whenever you feel, "AAGGHH! This is too hard. I can't do it. The cost is too high!" Jesus replies, "My precious, precious child. Trust me. I know the high price of love. That's why I got on that cross for you."

       "Christ has set us free to live a free life. So take your stand!
         Never  again let anyone put a harness of slavery on you." 
                                                                                 Galatians 5:1 (MSG)

          "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you
            trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by 
                          the power of the Holy Spirit."        Romans 15:13 (NLT)

Burning Bush in My Bedroom?

In Exodus 3 and 4 Moses is having a conversation with God. He is up on Mt. Sinai and God appears to him in the form of a burning bush. If it wasn't such an epic conversation, I would actually make fun of it because it looks very similar to many "chats" I have with God. (Usually as I am praying in my bedroom).

"Kimberly, I need you to do this." 
"No God, I don't want to. I am not equipped. You are asking too much. Leave me alone."

God is asking Moses to lead His people, the Israelite's, out of Egypt. Okay, that sounds pretty huge especially since they had been SLAVES for the past 400 YEARS! Not to mention the Egyptians were one of the most powerful nations in the world.
 
So of course Moses is a bit skeptical, "Who am I to appear before Pharaoh? Who am I to lead the people of Israel out of Egypt?” God, you have got this wrong! I am not the person for the job. Don't you remember that I left that country a disgraced prince after I killed one of their soldiers? Surely you must have someone better to carry out this task? Someone smarter, more powerful, well liked, richer, anyone but me!

God being God, reassures him by saying, "I will be with you."
 
Moses being human and probably completely freaked out, replies, "Who do I tell them sent me? What if they won’t believe me or listen to me? What if they say, ‘The Lord never appeared to you?'”

God performs a sign. He turns the staff in Moses hand to a snake. This should do the trick. I mean if God can do this then He will make good on his promise to help Moses.  Right?
 
Not exactly. Now Moses starts pleading, “O Lord, I’m not very good with words. I never have been, and I’m not now, even though you have spoken to me. I get tongue-tied, and my words get tangled.”

I am sure God took a deep breath and sighed. Come on Moses. What's it going to take? "Then the Lord asked Moses, “Who makes a person’s mouth? Who decides whether people speak or do not speak, hear or do not hear, see or do not see? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go! I will be with you as you speak, and I will instruct you in what to say.” God is kind of laying the smack down here. Don't you know who I AM? I am in charge of it all. I will tell you what to say just get your hiney moving.
 
But Moses again pleaded, “Lord, please! Send anyone else.” Moses seems a bit slow doesn't he? A bit stubborn? Fearful? Maybe even a bit selfish? What God is asking him to do certainly doesn't sound comfortable.
 
Does this sound familiar? God asks us to do something and we give him all the reasons why we can't? God reassures us that He will take care of us. We just have to obey. But we hesitate. Drag our feet. Come up with more excuses. Find somebody to agree with us that God has this one wrong. Or we flat out put our fingers in our ears, our hands up and say, "NO! Not going to do it."
 
Moses finally stops his arguing and leads his people out of Egypt. (God did give him, Aaron, his brother to go along too.) It was not easy. He had many problems, serious ones along the way. Think plagues, diseases, even death. But he did obey and he lead an entire nation to freedom!
 
Now, maybe God is not asking you to free a nation. But I will bet, He is asking you to do SOMETHING! And maybe He is not in your bedroom speaking through a burning bush, but again, I bet He has stirred your heart, gently whispered, or keeps bringing the same thing to your mind, wanting you to say YES, I WILL DO IT! What is stopping you? Your pride? Fear? Comfort? Doubts? If Moses said no do you think God would still have freed Israel? You betcha! God's plan, will get done. But where would Moses be? Certainly not talked about in the Bible or being played by Charlton Heston every Easter. God chose him for this specific purpose. God is choosing YOU for His purpose too. But you have to say, "Yes, God! Whatever it takes!"

“If you are faithful in little things, you will be faithful in large ones....." Luke 16:10

Sweet..No. I Am Fighter!

One of the adjectives I have rarely been called is sweet. It just isn't a word that pops into mind when you think of me. I am not usually offended but I asked myself and a few others why? One person said, "Maybe if you didn't tell people tough things without them asking, you might be sweet." Ohhhh that will be a hard one. Someone else said, "I think the word you are looking for is outspoken not sweet." Uh Duh! Well, how does a sweet person act? What are the qualifications for being a sweetie? I do eat a lot of sugar maybe that will rub off on me?

I asked my husband if it bothers him that I am not sweet. He responded, "Kimberley, I know exactly where I stand with you. I never have to guess. You might not be sweet but you are passionate, loyal, and real." (Isn't he sweet?) Thank you honey but I am aiming for sweet.

So I went to God. God why didn't you make me sweet? Was I sleeping on the day that gene was passed out? Do you think I can try real hard and become this?  "Kimberley, I do not make mistakes. You were created in my image. I knew you before you were born. I numbered the hairs on your head. Why are you caught up on this label? They are definitely some things in your personality you need to work on but not this one. I created you to be a fighter."
     
Huh? My husband gets to be sweet and I am a fighter? That just seems wrong! 

"Kimberley, if you were not a fighter you would not have been able to fight your family's past. You would not have been able to fight becoming enslaved to alcohol or drugs or trapped in the cycle of bitterness. You wouldn't have been able to fight your way out of an abusive relationship.  You fought to marry someone different than your dad. You fought to have the marriage I created for you. You fought to protect your children from negative relationships. You still fight for the lives of the people you mentor. If you were not a fighter maybe you wouldn't have fought through all your doubts to fall in love with my son." 

Be humble, be gentle, be kind, love others well, but do not ever forget that we are in the midst of a war for our families, our marriages, our cities, our country, and for humanity.  For this girl, sweet might not cut it right now, if ever!

 "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful." Psalms 139: 13-14

Erosion of Marriage

A few months ago one of the college students we mentor said, "Kimberley, don't you know that we all have to clean up around you and Bryan?" I replied, "Clean-up? What do you mean by that?" Her response back was, "You know clean-up, watch our language, our jokes, our actions, how we talk, what we say? We know you don't like certain things so we 
don't do it around you."

This conversation hit me wrong almost immediately. It did not settle with me for many reasons. Are Bryan and I these perceived goody-two shoes that people walk on egg shells around? Do they think we are so bound by rules that they think they have to act differently or not be themselves around us? I have always tried not to judge others because I live in a very, fragile, glass house. Also, I am who I am all the time. Who I am at my house is who I am around my friends, at church on Sunday, at my work, at the ball field, or wherever I am. There are not five different "Kimberleys" made-to-order according to the situation. Not only does that sound exhausting, what if I mess up? What if I pull out the wrong Kimberley that is not appropriate at the time? Changing personalities does not sound very authentic or filled with integrity. I would question who is the real person or ask if their name is Sybil?

Fast forward a few months this same student was questioning if its possible to be happily married? Everyone around her is miserable, cheating, quitting, separated, or divorced. While, I stated that there are not 100% guarantees in any relationship there are things you can do to build your relationship on a healthy foundation. I reminded her of our past conversation. "Do you remember those things you said a few months ago that you had to "clean-up" around Bryan and me? Those are the "things" we "cleaned-up" to help stop erosion in our marriage.

EROSION: the gradual destruction of something

Foul language erodes relationships. It used to be such an ingrained part of my vocabulary I didn't even notice how much I used the "F'bomb or other curse words. Previous boyfriends called me horrible names and our fights were littered with trash talk especially in arguments. I accepted that as normal. Bryan and I have been together fifteen years and we have had quite a few crazy arguments but we never bring foul language into the mix. I can not imagine now, the man I love, calling me the "B word", telling me to shut-up, or worse. We also try not to put each other down in front of others or call each other names. Constantly bad mouthing your spouse even in jest erodes the relationship. Is the joke more important than your partner's feelings? Is the name you keep calling each other encouraging or degrading? Pretty soon if you hear something enough you will start believing it.

We try to be consistent in who we are no matter the circumstance. There is comfort and trust in knowing how your spouse is going to respond most of the time because their behavior is consistent. I rarely look at my husband and think, "Wow I had no idea about that when we got married or that behavior is totally a surprise!" I don't have to walk around on egg shells wondering which Bryan is going to walk through the door after work or guess which Bryan will show up when I tell him I tore off the car mirror by hitting a tree.

We have chosen to not have our life revolve around alcohol. Alcohol can be very deceiving and overuse can lead to bad judgment even with a person that has great intentions. I have made many regrettable decisions while under the influence. This has no place in my marriage when I need all my facilities clear just to make it through the day :)

Making sure our actions match our words is very important too. Integrity is doing the right thing no matter who you are with even if it's uncomfortable. When I go out for ladies night I don't turn into a person or say stuff that would diminish my marriage vows. When I tell college students about the things I stand for I don't do those things in secret when they are not around. When my husband asks me a question I don't lie no matter how small it seems even when I think he will be disappointed. His trust in my words are more important than "getting away" with something.

Erosion doesn't happen overnight or all of a sudden. It is not always a big catastrophic event that gets immediate attention. Erosion is much sneakier, creeping up on us without much notice. We start accepting behavior that gradually tears us down or wears away our self-esteem. The "little things" begin to eat into our commitments destroying our truths inch by inch. It can take many months or even years for us to finally take a hard look at ourselves and realize we are unrecognizable because of what we have let corrode our souls.

"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. Keep your mouth free of perversity; keep corrupt talk far from your lips. Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you.Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways." Proverbs 4:23-26