Demand List For Heaven

Dear God,

The Bible describes heaven with streets made of gold, as pure as transparent glass. The foundations of the walls made from precious stones. The gates made of pearls. There will be no more disease, dying, sorrow, pain, or tears! While that does sound exciting, I have decided that if I am going to be spending eternity there I would like to offer up some suggestions for my extended stay. Just a few things that maybe might not seem a big deal to many but would make my "Heavenstay" really enjoyable :)

No Calories, not a one. Even the triple chocolate Pazookie from Oreganos.  In the same line of thinking nothing should be made fat free. If it doesn't have fat in it why bother? It's like drinking non-alcoholic beer. Or coffee without caffeine. An ice cream sundae without whip cream and a cherry. Pointless.

Everyone can dance, even Oprah. It's a sad day to watch the awkwardness of some people dancing, especially when they think they are John Travolta from Saturday Night Fever. Let everyone have some rhythm for when we are dancing in the streets.

Bikinis (all in good taste) look good on everyone! On Earth trying on bathing suits is a traumatic and horrifying event for 98% of women. It's up there with ripping all your body hair off with hot wax. I want to run free in my two piece without the thought of anything falling out or looking ridiculous.

Mosquitoes and Cockroaches Banned. I know you are the creator of everything but these things are just nasty. Anything that can live without it's head or through a nuclear explosion is creepy. Mosquitoes are terribly annoying and ruin most picnics. The repellent we have to use takes away the natural smells of nature around us.

No Gaps in Our Favorite (appropriate of course) TV Shows. It used to be a season meant more than 13 episodes. Now there are so many breaks it seems like there is always a hiatus or a rerun. We just need consistency in our lives.

Teachers Get "Paid" As Much As (or at least closer) Sports Stars. I realize I became an educator knowing money was not going to be the goal. But teachers spend more time with children than their parents, shaping the lives of the future. And while dunking a basketball or pitching a perfect game is incredible, A-Rod gets paid 170,000 per game. A teacher would have to work 4 1/2 years to make what he makes in 2 hours. 

A Big Selection of Books. I love to read and am worried with so many people in heaven I might have trouble checking out books. I am hoping the library will have all my favorite authors. Maybe people who never read on Earth will become avid readers in heaven!

Frequently Asked Questions Handout. I am sure people come up with A LOT of questions; many are probably the same ones. Maybe we could get a "Guide to Heaven" with all those answered and a map to get around? Could you also include the typical daily schedule and heaven expectations? I wouldn't want to take a wrong turn or something! Being organized is always a good thing, don't you think?

I am looking forward to hanging out with You and Jesus! I have so much to talk to you about! I know you have prepared a home for us and you have GOT THIS! 

Love,

Kimberley

“Don’t let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and trust also in me. There is more than enough room in my Father’s home. If this were not so, would I have told you that I am going to prepare a place for you? When everything is ready, I will come and get you, so that you will always be with me where I am. And you know the way to where I am going.” John 14:1-4

Sweet..No. I Am Fighter!

One of the adjectives I have rarely been called is sweet. It just isn't a word that pops into mind when you think of me. I am not usually offended but I asked myself and a few others why? One person said, "Maybe if you didn't tell people tough things without them asking, you might be sweet." Ohhhh that will be a hard one. Someone else said, "I think the word you are looking for is outspoken not sweet." Uh Duh! Well, how does a sweet person act? What are the qualifications for being a sweetie? I do eat a lot of sugar maybe that will rub off on me?

I asked my husband if it bothers him that I am not sweet. He responded, "Kimberley, I know exactly where I stand with you. I never have to guess. You might not be sweet but you are passionate, loyal, and real." (Isn't he sweet?) Thank you honey but I am aiming for sweet.

So I went to God. God why didn't you make me sweet? Was I sleeping on the day that gene was passed out? Do you think I can try real hard and become this?  "Kimberley, I do not make mistakes. You were created in my image. I knew you before you were born. I numbered the hairs on your head. Why are you caught up on this label? They are definitely some things in your personality you need to work on but not this one. I created you to be a fighter."
     
Huh? My husband gets to be sweet and I am a fighter? That just seems wrong! 

"Kimberley, if you were not a fighter you would not have been able to fight your family's past. You would not have been able to fight becoming enslaved to alcohol or drugs or trapped in the cycle of bitterness. You wouldn't have been able to fight your way out of an abusive relationship.  You fought to marry someone different than your dad. You fought to have the marriage I created for you. You fought to protect your children from negative relationships. You still fight for the lives of the people you mentor. If you were not a fighter maybe you wouldn't have fought through all your doubts to fall in love with my son." 

Be humble, be gentle, be kind, love others well, but do not ever forget that we are in the midst of a war for our families, our marriages, our cities, our country, and for humanity.  For this girl, sweet might not cut it right now, if ever!

 "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful." Psalms 139: 13-14

Proverbs 31..NOT

After you have been a Christian woman for a while you will inevitably hear about or come across Proverbs 31, the perfect woman. There are studies on it, blogs about it, devotionals to help you reach these ideals, and even sermons to remind you what you should become. I have read this passage numerous times and after I get done I feel....less than or actually not even close by a long shot. Without trying to sound blasphemous or irreverent, I do not really like this chapter. I know the Bible was not created to make me feel “good”. I know it wasn't written to heap tons of guilt on me, but these verses slam home how far off I really am. I am willing to be vulnerable for a minute and share how much I do not measure up!!

“She is worth far more than rubies... (maybe turquoise or a nice opal)
She works with eager hands.... (how about a little reluctant and not if I just had a manicure)
She gets up before dark …(not before 6:30 AM, I am not a morning person)
She provides food for her family...(I do go to the grocery store but really not a good cook)
She plants a vineyard....(I can't even keep a cactus alive in my house)
She sets about her work vigorously....(I do work but usually can't get started until after a cup of coffee or four)
Her arms are strong for her tasks....(Before 30 they were pretty strong but now they lean towards the flabby side)
Her lamp does not go out at night....(lights out at 11:00 for this girl)
In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers.... (I do not know what a distaff is but in my hands you will find a cookie and my iPhone)
She opens her arms to the poor....( I have given change to the people at the intersection)
When it snows she has no fear for her household.....(I am terrified all the time..especially during the monsoons)
She makes covering for her bed and linen garments.......(I can’t sew but I did make a pizza pillow in home ec. in middle school)
She is clothed with strength and dignity......(Can you buy these at Target?)
She can laugh at the days to come....(I CAN do this one....I laugh all the time)
She speaks wisdom....(sometimes...but I do talk a lot)
Faithful instruction is on her tongue....(no my foot is often on my tongue because I put it in my mouth all the time)
She watches over the affairs of her household....(oh yes I do know everything that is going on, they call me Miss Busybody)
Does not eat the bread of idleness.....(I am addicted to carbs and love bread especially if I can eat it while doing nothing)
Her children arise and call her blessed....(umm maybe fall out of bed after being threatened and act like I am their servant)
Her husband praises her.... (every other day if I am good :)
Many women do noble things you surpass them all....(After reading this I am not even close)
Beauty is fleeting....(Yep ...feeling this as I reach 40)

So what does this imply if I fail at being a Proverbs 31 woman? Should I take a class? Try harder? Get a tattoo on my wrist highlighting the top 10 things I really need to work on? Know I won't ever cut the mustard so quit now? What does it truly mean if I fail at being a Proverbs 31 woman? It means I am human. Nothing more, nothing less. Just human.

“My grace is sufficient for you, my power made perfect in your weakness.”

2 Cor 12:9

10 Things I Would Do If I Wasn't A Pastor's Wife

1. Do a skit on Saturday night live with one of the old school actors like Jim Belushi, Eddie Murphy, or Dana Carvey.

2. Fly an airplane with a banner in the back calling people out who bother me.

3. Do an open-mic comedy night making fun of all my family and friends.

4. Grow dread-locks and not shave my legs for a year.

5. Go on a reality show where I don't have to be nice and maybe could even get into a wrestling match with someone.

6. Do a morning radio show saying whatever I wanted and crank calling people from my past.

7. Be a groupie for a rock band and follow them around in a classic Winnebago! (Probably the Goo Goo Dolls or Matchbox 20)

8. Go down to the U of A and heckle people, with a mega phone, as they walk by seeing how they would react.

9.  Write a trashy love novel killing off ex-boyfriends and making pretty girls in high school really ugly in my story.

10. Actually stay in my pajamas all day on a Sunday with my family, not putting on make-up, not answering the door or phone, and not have a 100 people ask, "Where were you on Sunday?

SIDE NOTE: This was just for fun. Bryan being a pastor does not stop me from doing any of these things. My love for Jesus and other people are the reasons I would not participate in activities that would hurt others or put a dent in my integrity :)

10 Things I Have Done but Maybe Shouldn't Have!

Although this list is not exhaustive...I have chosen to leave quite a bit out. My friends from high school and college probably have many more to add, but remember I have much dirt on you guys too :)

1. I wore a new outfit every day for a month in high school and never wore jeans! Plus it took my almost two hours to curl each piece of my hair, everyday! Now I can get ready in 10 minutes, wear the same jeans until they are so dirty they walk themselves to the laundry, and have half the closet I used to.

2. Did a roll in a T-37 plane using what seemed to me just a joystick, during Officer Training, even though I hate to fly! The captain took his hands off his controls until I didn't roll us fast enough. Oops! Then he wanted to make me puke so he basically turned off the engine and pretended to spiral down. I didn't throw up but I almost peed my pants.

3. Tried to jump a wrought iron fence in Rocky Point and ended up getting my shorts caught on the spikes. I hung from my pocket (because I couldn't reach the ground to lift them off and they were not ripping very fast) until a Mexican Federali came by, laughed at me until he was in tears, hit me on the head with his club, and then pulled me off. Not a high point for sure! Did I tell you in my last blog that I had no idea what hotel we were staying at, I didn't speak Spanish, and my friends had left me?

4. I saluted a general with my left hand, at OTS, in front of 300 other people. If I could have dug through the cement with my teeth at that moment I would have. For those of you not familiar with military protocol. You salute with your right hand, so it was like I pulled down my pants and mooned the general.

5. I joined the Ski Club up at NAU. I was a member for five years and never once went skiing! But I did ride down the switchbacks of Sedona using a borrowed rent-a-bike with them. I almost died going 30 mph with brakes that were iffy and wheels that were not stable.

6. I have dyed my hair so many wrong colors. To name a few; Cyndi Lauper-orange, pumpkin spice, ash that turned green, Madonna-white blond, multi-colored that looked like I was a spotted leopard. This one happened because I let two girls give me highlights in the kitchen with a turkey baster and brush!

7. Joined the Water Polo Team at NAU. Yes, I was a collegiate athlete for....oh one month. I had to quit because I could't see without my glasses and they kept getting in the way when I was fighting for the ball in the water. Plus, the spots on them kept me from seeing where the ball actually was. (Yes, I wore my glasses in the pool while I was playing) HYSTERICAL

8. Stole or borrowed my sister's brand new car and didn't bring it home for 24 hours. She and my mom were waiting on the front lawn when I pulled in. Did I mention she stole my boyfriend in 6th grade in my last blog?

9. Pretended I was from Sweden and didn't speak a lot of English so these guys would buy my friends and me free drinks the whole night. I think this was when my hair was in a really white blond stage :) I kept thinking I sounded like the guy from the Muppets, the Swedish Chef with the meatballs???

10. I ran into the house of a stranger, on Thanksgiving night, thinking it was my friend's house. I had to go to the bathroom and wasn't paying attention. When I opened the door the entire family was just sitting there looking up at me. I said, "Oops I think I have the wrong house. Sorry!" and ran out. I then noticed I was actually a street a way.

Seriously?? @#$

Seriously is my favorite word. It stands for so much and so little all at the same time. Depending on what context is used, what tone, what facial expression it could mean; Seriously :) as in, "No Way" or Seriously? as in "You gotta be kidding me, or SERIOUSLY! as in " What the Crap"? I use it often. I use it inappropriately. I use it for everything.

People keep asking me what my blog is going to be about. My answer? Seriously!? It will be about so much and it will be about so little. MY blog will be about MY opinions that come from MY experiences, pain, joy, delusions, and crazy life. They are not my husbands, my kids, my family, my friends so please don't hold it against them. Don't go up to my husband complaining about something I might write. It is not his fault that I think I have a lot to say and my thoughts are based out of extreme dysfunction. If I offend you, I am saying SORRY right now! I stand behind most of what I blog depending on what time it is...anything written after 11 PM is iffy. I could be delirious and should not be held accountable for writing while sleep deprived!!

Please feel free to comment but I ask that you do not use bad language, attack my family, or use run on sentences. I will be forced to use my powers of deletion. But really, let's face it you clicked on here. If you don't like something you don't have to click again!

Just getting my random thoughts down :0

KLEE