Bed, Bath & Beyond on Good Friday!

I ran into Bed, Bath & Beyond to pick up a blanket and was in a rush because Bryan had to get to work. I ran over to the check-out clerk and just wanted her to hurry up so I could get home. As she is ringing me up she asks, "Do you celebrate Easter?" I said, "Yeah, I do." She then says, "I am not a religious person and I wonder what does Easter really mean?"

I looked up at her and froze! All the theology I had ever learned and Christian 101 flashed through my mind... this is my moment and I couldn't figure how to get it out! The old guy behind me was tapping his foot and giving me a dirty look. A whisper....."Kimberley, testify to what you know."

"Easter is important to us because we believe Jesus died on the cross for our sins on Friday and rose from the dead on Sunday."

The cashier paused and exclaimed, "That's what I thought but wasn't sure. I grew up in Texas where it was shoved down my throat so I am really not that into it, you know."

I replied, "Well, my husband is a pastor at the church right down the street. At 5:00 on Sunday nights we meet. It's your age group and we won't shove anything down your throat. Maybe you could come check it out?"

She said, "Maybe I will."

I got into my car a little shook up. "God, did I say the right thing? Did I represent who you are? Did I even make sense? There is so much more I wanted to share! Do you think she will come to church?" I drove home listening to KLOVE and I started crying, crying because that is what Easter is about.

Easter is about sharing the Good News. The news that Jesus Christ came for everyone, not in judgment, not to condemn but to save the world through Him. My words were not close to perfect, they were not profound, they probably didn't inspire the check-out girl. But I was able to get out the basics and invite her to experience more. Maybe I should go back next week to that store:)

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. John 3:16-17

Give and Take..Right?

As Americans we usually always want something in return for what we give, for what we do. If we give a present we expect a thank you card. If we give a donation we want a tax receipt. If we make good grades we want to be on the Honor Roll. If we do something for someone else we want them to acknowledge it or our feelings might get hurt. We want our friendships to be reciprocal. We want our church to be certain ways because we gave money or serve there. At work we want a raise, promotion, or at least a plaque if we give our best. We have become a nation that says, "What's in this for me? or "What can I expect in return? or "I expect this because I did that." Give and take... right?

The other day I brought something similar to God's attention. I was complaining about not getting anything in return from certain people after I gave them so much. I was having a pity party and was questioning why I was even doing this ministry since it seems so one-sided. This went on for a few days and as I was watching a silly horse movie I just started bawling (the movie wasn't sad). The tears just kept coming and I felt an overwhelming sense of regret. God brought me to my knees and reminded me (AGAIN) of what serving Him with all my heart looks like.

"Kimberley, what if you are not supposed to get anything back? Your sole purpose is just to give, give it all, no matter the cost. You are to mentor others because I asked you to journey alongside of them. You are to plant seeds that I WILL grow. This is not give and take..this time, it is only give. Put aside your selfishness, your pride, and obey."

He then pointed to the cross and asked me what His son got in return for dying on the cross for me.

"And now, Israel,(Kimberley) what does the LORD your God ask of you but to fear the LORD your God, to walk in obedience to him, to love him, to serve the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul" Deuteronomy 10:12 

Here Goes It....

A few weeks ago at a soccer game one of my friends said, "Kimberley, I think you should write a daily devotional, something like a Proverbs 31 woman devotion." My immediate response was no way, I am not anything like the woman described in that chapter. My friend laughed and said, "Yeah but you could write about what it is like to be a real Proverb's woman." I went home and read the verses and was over whelmed at how far off I really am from the woman described in the bible (will send out Proverbs 31....Not!! blog). Over the last few weeks I have struggled or actually argued with God about how he wanted me to respond to this request. I gave him PLENTY of reasons of why I thought this would not be a good idea; I don't have the time, I don't know what to say, I am often a poor example of a Godly woman, who would really want to read it, I have horrible grammar, writing takes a lot out of me, it leaves me vulnerable and raw, did I mention my limited amount of time?  He let me rant and rave and was often silent. Just when I thought I had him convinced that I was right he would give me a gentle nudge, "Obey, even if it is uncomfortable." So, with a pit in my stomach and a huge fear of failure looming over my shoulder I will try to be obedient. I have no idea if I can write every day, if what I say will make sense, or if I will offend someone. I made a list of people who were on my heart. If you do not want to receive this in your email simply hit reply and type, "Please remove me". I will also post these on my blog http://quietdefiance-klee.blogspot.com/.


In His Grace, 
Kimberley Lee

Satan at the Sonic Flood Concert

When I was in high school, my boyfriend at the time, had a mom that was a bit off to say the least. On his 18th birthday she took a baseball bat to his room while we were out to dinner. Throughout my senior year she continued to try to make my life a living hell. She went to games where I was cheer leading and threw ice at me from the stands. She would come to my house when my parents weren't home and lean on the doorbell for hours, cussing at me. She followed me around stores calling me names. She came to my work at the mall and threw merchandise on the floor that I had to pick up. She came to my school and called me names in front of my friends. The final straw was when she tried to run me over in the school parking lot with her truck. My parents called the cops, she was arrested, and I had to get a restraining order so she wouldn't ruin my prom or graduation that were coming up or worse hurt me. Needless to say, I disliked her intensely. In fact I would say it bordered on hatred. Instead of celebrating my last year of school and having the time of my life, I was constantly looking over my shoulder and dodging a 42 year old woman and her very large family. She seemed related to half of Tucson.

Fast forward 10 years. I graduated from college, became a Christian, was a newlywed, and serving with my husband as youth leaders in a local church. We were taking a group of about 50 students to the Newsboys, Sonic Flood concert at Casas Adobes Baptist. We arrived with youth in tow, McDonalds in hand, ready to listen to an awesome night of worship. As I glanced around the building I thought wow this place fits a lot of people. Maybe around 3000. My eyes stop. My mouth drops. Sitting about 30 feet away from me sat HER. My old boyfriend’s mom!!  I grabbed Bryan's arm and said, "Oh my gosh. She's here. She is here. Satan is at the Sonic Flood Concert."

I had obviously told Bryan the whole story. He knew just exactly how I felt about her. He knew how she had tortured me. He replied, "So?" "So! So!" I quietly screamed, "What do you mean so? Don't you remember who she is and what she did to me?" He replied," Yes, Kimberley. I remember but that was a long time ago. You have changed maybe she has too. Why don't you go talk to her?"  Through clenched teeth, I said, "Talk to her? Talk to her? Why don't you go talk to her?" With that I shoved my McDonald's bag at him and walked away. I had lost my appetite and was sick to my stomach. I was mad at him for even suggesting I should talk to her. Did he not understand the depths of my fear? The intensity of my hatred?

The lights dimmed and Sonic Flood came on to sing. The song was one of my favorites, If I Could Sing of Your Love Forever. Shaking with fear, anger, hurt... the words pierced my very soul.

"Over the mountains and the sea
Your river runs with the love for me
and I will open up my heart
and let the healer set me free.
I’m happy to be in the truth
and I will daily lift my hands
for I will always sing of when Your love came down.

I heard the spirit say to me, "Kimberley I am the healer. I have set you free. Go to her. I will be with you." No God, No.. anyone but her. Don't you know what she did? Don't you know how horrible she is? She might hurt me." With tears streaming down my face, I sang the words with the band, “I can sing of your love forever..”

"Kimberley if you love me you will obey. Go to her." Lord what exactly do you want me to say? What could I possibly say to her?" "I want you to tell her you’re sorry. I want you to tell her that you have me and I have changed your life."  "SORRY? You want me to apologize to her. I don't have anything to be sorry for. SHE should be apologizing to me. God, she was so mean and hateful. Did you see her try to run me over with her truck?" "Kimberley I saw it all. Go to her." 

At this point I think I might be actually going crazy. I go to the bathroom to get myself together and start making deals.

"God, I do love you but you are asking too much. Besides, there is a concert going on. It is too loud and very dark."

As I am walking back to my place, the music stops and all the lights come on. What!!! It was intermission. They had to turn the lights on to get ready for the Newsboys. "God there are too many people around her. I can't walk through a crowd." I glance over as her group starts to disperse. "God they aren't all gone there are still a few there. I can't talk with students around, it could get ugly."

Just then everybody leaves. It is just her and her sister sitting on the bleachers. "Okay..okay but God  what if she tries to fight me? She is that kind of person. It would not be good to have to throw down at a Christian concert in front of my husband’s youth group. What if I can't talk? What if she wont let me talk? God please anything but this."

"Kimberley, do not be afraid. I will be with you. I will be with you."

Bryan walks over and asks me if I am okay. I snap at him, "I am fine. Do you have a business card?" "Why?" "I don't know just give it to me." With his card in my hand I take a deep breath, close my eyes, and beg, "Please, please God let this be of you and me not losing my mind." I march over and she is kind of up on the front row of a bleacher. The only way to talk to her is to kneel in front of her. KNEEL in front of her! I get down and look up at her. She gives me that look, of hatred. Before I had a chance to speak she sneers, "Yeah, I know who you are what do you want?" I say nothing. She yells at me, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" 

I take a deep breath and say one last prayer..here I go...."I wanted to say I am sorry. I am so sorry if I have caused you or your family any hurt or pain. I am sorry for my reckless words and how I handled certain situations. I was young and scared. I have accepted Jesus as My Lord and Savior. He has changed my life and I am a different person now." She just looks at me and says nothing. She stands up. I back away thinking on my gosh she wants to fight. She crosses her arms and says, "If you have the guts to come kneel in front of me and apologize after everything between us there must be something different in your life. I accept your apology." And she gives me a hug. Still shaking with fear I reach into my pocket and give her my husband’s business card which has our home phone number on it. If you ever need to talk give me a call." 

As I was walking away doubt crept in and I thought I have just given her a way to find me. That could be a big mistake. I walked over to Bryan and fell crying into his arms. I silently said, "God, she did not apologize to me. She did not take any responsibility for all the horrible things she did."  "Kimberley, it is not about her. It is about your healing and obedience."

A few weeks later I was at Gadabout (when I could afford to get my haircut there) and she was right in front of me with her eldest daughter. I just stood there frozen, not knowing how she would react, scared to think there might be a confrontation. She gave me a big smile and hug and said to her daughter, "It's okay. We like her now. Tell the all the family if they see her to be nice to her." (Think Mafia, Godfather-ish) Her daughter smiled and gave me a little head nod. I thought to myself, "Fine I'll take that rather than a fight."

Eight months later, I had just had our first child and the phone rang. It was her. "Kimberley, my son wants to come back into the family and I want to know your opinion. Can we go to lunch?" I was not ready for lunch with her but I glanced down at my newborn daughter and said, "You and I both know people can change especially when Jesus is in their life. If you can forgive me you can forgive your son. Family is too important to let walk away." She said, "Thank you. I hope you and your new daughter will be blessed."

Everybody has a Nineveh, a place they do not want to go, a person they absolutely do not want to reach out to, a behavior they refuse to give up no matter who it hurts, a fear that seems too big to overcome. Jonah jumped on a ship and went to the opposite ends of the world to escape his Nineveh. How far are you willing to go to run away from God?  

I went to my Nineveh and the rewards outweighed the fear!

“Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.” Ephesians 3:20

What Do You Want From Me?

Some days I sit in the middle of my bed feeling pulled in a hundred different ways. Honey can you do this? Mom, I need that right now? Kimberley can you talk? Mom, I need to be there! Babe, I have a meeting! What's for dinner? Where are my socks? Where is my uniform? Did you wash my jeans? Did you pay the phone bill? Did you call your Aunt? Did you pack my lunch? Did you make that appointment? Did you read your Bible? Did you, did you....did you? I have so many hats I wear it can be very overwhelming just trying to keep my head above the water. My floaties often fail and I am left dog paddling all day long. I can get pretty tired if not bone weary exhausted by the end of each day.

What Do You Want From Me? I say this to myself at least ten times a day. In my head, I say it to God, my husband, my kids, my family, my friends, my coworkers, students we mentor, the check-out lady, ....I know an Adam guy made this a song and although I do not listen to his music I can identify with the question.  Maybe I should just start asking people out loud, "What is it that you REALLY want from me?" Let's just cut to the chase, give me the bottom line, and I will check the yes or no box if I can help you out? Will that work?

I thought I would try my idea out on God first, so for the past year every time I get overwhelmed I go to Him and through gritted teeth, desperation, worry; I yell, cry, or strongly ask, "WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?"  The answers have not been what I expected or necessarily wanted. Many times God is silent. He says nothing. No matter if I repeat myself, get louder, or get angry there is not a response. Other times I have heard His words clearly. "Kimberley I want you to obey. Yes, obey! Kimberley I want you to ask for forgiveness. You know you were wrong. Kimberley submit, you are not in charge or even stay away from that with a ten foot pole." 

More often than not when I ask God my question He gently nudges me. I feel the pull to make a phone call, have lunch with a friend, or give an encouraging word to someone. He pushes me to do the right thing even if it’s uncomfortable, to be transparent even if others will judge me (think BLOG), or be loving even if don't want to. When I tell Him, "NO! I do not have the strength to do that." He says His power is made perfect in my weakness. When I tell Him, "I am tired I cannot go another step." He reminds me to cast all my burdens upon Him and He will carry them for me.

When I tell Him, "God you ask too much! You don't really expect that of me do you?" He lovingly points to the cross. When I cry out and ask Him, "What Do You Want From Me?" He simply says, "Kimberley I want everything!"

R U Kidding Me?

When I see people from my past and we catch up on the past twenty years, the conversation usually comes around to what are you doing, who did you marry? I eventually tell them I just happen to marry a pastor. The reactions vary from a slight nod, a puzzled look, raised eyebrows in disbelief, ignoring completely, or my favorite, a full out belly laugh of hysteria saying, "You gotta be kidding me? You? A pastor's wife? How did that happen?" I get why people respond that way. If you look at my past track records of boyfriends or pictures from high school and college it does seem pretty far fetched. I often chuckle at God's sense of humor with pairing Bryan and I up.

Usually the next questions follow the line of, "Do you drink anymore? Do you miss going out to the bars? Bryan probably wouldn't let you go out with us on the party bus? Do you have to act a certain way? Why would you want to change?" The questions seem to infer that I am not as fun as I once was, I have been brainwashed, or I am just plain weird. I have even been told by one of my old drinking buddies that they miss the "Old Kimberley" and can't understand why on earth I would change so much. The conclusion is that I do not do certain things because Bryan works at a church. But that could not be further from the truth. My life was radically changed before I met Bryan, before I knew we were going to get married, and definitely before I knew he would be a pastor. His job never changed my behavior other than I try not to embarrass him too much.

Why do I act different? Why are my decisions made through a different filter than the past?

I was compelled. I was compelled because of my love. My love for my God whose actions are more powerful than words. Whose words speak life and not death. Whose life sets the example of what love looks like. He transformed me from the inside out. I challenged Him to prove his love and he did by showing me His son on the cross. I challenged Him to heal my hurting heart and he brought people into my life to fill in the cracks. I challenged Him with my anger and He showed me what forgiveness looked liked. I used to want to fill all the voids in my life with all the things the world had to offer. I now know that only God can heal the broken-hearted, bind up the past, and set us free.

My love for Jesus means more than looking through life from the bottom of a beer bottle. My love for him means more than partying, more than putting people down to be funny, more than having all the material stuff. I didn't change because of a job title or the church. I was transformed because of a relationship. I don't do certain things because of the rules. I act certain ways because of my love for Jesus. My love for Him challenges me everyday to reflect Him the best I can.

"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you will prove what is good and acceptable and the perfect will of God." Romans 12:2