Sweet..No. I Am Fighter!

One of the adjectives I have rarely been called is sweet. It just isn't a word that pops into mind when you think of me. I am not usually offended but I asked myself and a few others why? One person said, "Maybe if you didn't tell people tough things without them asking, you might be sweet." Ohhhh that will be a hard one. Someone else said, "I think the word you are looking for is outspoken not sweet." Uh Duh! Well, how does a sweet person act? What are the qualifications for being a sweetie? I do eat a lot of sugar maybe that will rub off on me?

I asked my husband if it bothers him that I am not sweet. He responded, "Kimberley, I know exactly where I stand with you. I never have to guess. You might not be sweet but you are passionate, loyal, and real." (Isn't he sweet?) Thank you honey but I am aiming for sweet.

So I went to God. God why didn't you make me sweet? Was I sleeping on the day that gene was passed out? Do you think I can try real hard and become this?  "Kimberley, I do not make mistakes. You were created in my image. I knew you before you were born. I numbered the hairs on your head. Why are you caught up on this label? They are definitely some things in your personality you need to work on but not this one. I created you to be a fighter."
     
Huh? My husband gets to be sweet and I am a fighter? That just seems wrong! 

"Kimberley, if you were not a fighter you would not have been able to fight your family's past. You would not have been able to fight becoming enslaved to alcohol or drugs or trapped in the cycle of bitterness. You wouldn't have been able to fight your way out of an abusive relationship.  You fought to marry someone different than your dad. You fought to have the marriage I created for you. You fought to protect your children from negative relationships. You still fight for the lives of the people you mentor. If you were not a fighter maybe you wouldn't have fought through all your doubts to fall in love with my son." 

Be humble, be gentle, be kind, love others well, but do not ever forget that we are in the midst of a war for our families, our marriages, our cities, our country, and for humanity.  For this girl, sweet might not cut it right now, if ever!

 "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful." Psalms 139: 13-14

All the Single Ladies: The Break up

How do you know when it is really over? Kaput? Finished? Finito? Final? Done with? Broken off? Shut Down? Party over?

     This is often the painful part. The time when a relationship comes to an end and we have to say goodbye to someone we liked, loved, was crazy for, or maybe even kind of hated. We say good bye to what might have been and the memories shared. While it can be very devastating, it is also the time when we as ladies somehow go from highly intelligent human beings able to process information in large amounts to stubborn, don't get it, can't wrap our brains around the words he is saying. This may lead us into the murky waters of complete and utter denial. We sit around with our friends OBSESSING over what happened? Why? How didn't I see this coming? We pick a part EVERY little detail about the break up until we have ourselves in such an emotional tizzy we justify everything or we go on the attack to get the "REAL" reason why he ended it.
      After countless talks with many males, some who are really nice guys and some who are pond scum, I have found out a few awful, hard to digest truths, that we ladies just don't want to really believe. If you want to continue living in denial please read no further...it gets ugly.

1. When guys finally have the break up talk with you..they lie about half the stuff they are saying. Most of them are trying to be nice guys and not hurt your feelings so they skirt around the truth if not downright lie. "It's me not you"... no it is really you. "I just have a lot going on right now"....really? "I don't think God wants me in a relationship." Ever? Bottom line, the lame excuses are covering up that they just don't want to date you anymore and don't know how to say it. We girls say we want honesty but in reality a guy telling us we are bad kissers, we chew with our mouths open, or they aren't feeling it doesn't come off well.
2. It was not "all of a sudden" or "out of the blue". They have been checking off boxes in their heads about things that didn't set well with them for a while. When they finally break up it has probably been weeks if not months of thinking about it before they got the courage to officially break it off.
3. When guys break up with you they are DONE. Rarely do they mope around, listen to old songs, Facebook stalk you, or drive by your house. They are really done. I asked my husband, who I consider a stand up kind of guy, how he felt after he dated a girl for almost two years and then broke up with her. "Honey were you just done? Did you ever go by her house or think of her when a special song came on? Or miss her?" His answer, "No not really. I was done." So I pushed him, "What do you mean by done? Didn't you still have memories that you shared that came up? That made you go hmmm? or special places you went that would remind you of her?" Again, he says, "No not really. I rarely thought about her after we broke up. She made it worse by being clingy and hanging on so long afterwards. I do miss her mom's tacos though!"
4. Many times they already have someone else in mind. Yes..gulp this one is tough to hear. Since they have been kind of breaking up with you for months in their head...they probably have been kind of scoping out other prospects too. We are often shocked at how fast they get another girlfriend after the "break up" and like to blame it on the other girl... but really? She didn't make the commitment to you. 
5. They get over us easy because they find something to do. Like I said previously guys aren't big mopers. They don't curl up on the couch in a fuzzy pink robe, eat a gallon of ice cream, and watch sappy love movies with their friends. They certainly don't go through their ipod playlist listening to all "our" songs while going through the scrapbook of all your favorite times together. They go play sports, workout, wrestle each other, go splunking, play kill..kill..kill...video games for twelve hours, or other cool guy stuff that seems ridiculous to females.
6. Unless you cheated on them they usually don't hold grudges. Unlike us girls, who can hold grudges for YEARS, guys normally are totally fine being friends a few weeks later. They are baffled that we still glare or tear up when we see them, want to key their car, or spend nights with voodoo dolls and pins cursing their name. "They think hey it's water under the bridge I didn't even tell her the real reason I broke up with her. Who knows why she is so mad?"....again point 1.

I know this stuff is somewhat depressing and completely not fair. But no matter what ladies, I remind you desperate is not attractive especially in a break-up. Keep your composure, your dignity, and know that there is some one better just around the corner!

By Your Side

I was listening to this song by Tenth Avenue North, By Your Side and it just struck me how much I sometimes fight God. I struggle against the things I know he wants for me. I ignore the stuff I know he wants me to do. Or the best one, I try to do it all on my own. Like I have things figured out better than him so I am going to do it my way. 

The song says:

"Why are you striving these days? Why are you trying to earn grace?
Why are you crying? Why are you looking for love? Why are you still searching? As if I'm not enough. Where will you go child? Tell me where will you run?"

Why do we run away from Him or try to hide? Why do we feel like we have to do more to earn his love? Why do we keep trying to fill our voids with the things of this world and act like He is not enough? Why do we keep searching for our purpose when He created us for Him? Why are we fighting Him?

The songs continues:"I'll be by your side wherever you fall. In the dead of night whenever you call.
Please don't fight these hands that are holding you. My hands are holding you."

God has us in his hands. He will be by our side whenever we fall, whenever we try it our own way and fail, whenever we call out His name. He will be there holding us in His magnificent hands.  Let's stop running either the other way or in circles. Let's stop seeking answers from wrong places. Let's turn towards our heavenly father and rest in him. Take His hand, walk beside Him, and trust Him with our life. 

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes;" Proverbs 3:5-7

Give and Take..Right?

As Americans we usually always want something in return for what we give, for what we do. If we give a present we expect a thank you card. If we give a donation we want a tax receipt. If we make good grades we want to be on the Honor Roll. If we do something for someone else we want them to acknowledge it or our feelings might get hurt. We want our friendships to be reciprocal. We want our church to be certain ways because we gave money or serve there. At work we want a raise, promotion, or at least a plaque if we give our best. We have become a nation that says, "What's in this for me? or "What can I expect in return? or "I expect this because I did that." Give and take... right?

The other day I brought something similar to God's attention. I was complaining about not getting anything in return from certain people after I gave them so much. I was having a pity party and was questioning why I was even doing this ministry since it seems so one-sided. This went on for a few days and as I was watching a silly horse movie I just started bawling (the movie wasn't sad). The tears just kept coming and I felt an overwhelming sense of regret. God brought me to my knees and reminded me (AGAIN) of what serving Him with all my heart looks like.

"Kimberley, what if you are not supposed to get anything back? Your sole purpose is just to give, give it all, no matter the cost. You are to mentor others because I asked you to journey alongside of them. You are to plant seeds that I WILL grow. This is not give and take..this time, it is only give. Put aside your selfishness, your pride, and obey."

He then pointed to the cross and asked me what His son got in return for dying on the cross for me.

"And now, Israel,(Kimberley) what does the LORD your God ask of you but to fear the LORD your God, to walk in obedience to him, to love him, to serve the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul" Deuteronomy 10:12 

Signs He Might Not Be That Into You...

Ladies there are often "signs" of when things are starting to turn sour.  Red flags begin popping up. We have a choice whether to ignore them, even if they are waving them right in front of our faces and be "shocked" when they suddenly break up with us or we can acknowledge the signs and deal with them head on. 



Red Flags...

1. He takes longer and longer to call or text you back. When you first start dating responses are almost immediate. Now the lag time might be getting a bit too long. Before you rip into him make sure it is reasonable. If he works at Raytheon where they are not allowed to bring in their phones don't expect him to call back during work hours. That would be silly. But if he is at home watching TV and it takes him hours or even days to return a call or text...not good.

2. He starts asking you to "meet" him somewhere instead of coming to pick you up. Rarely is it okay for your boyfriend to not come and pick you up. You are his girl which he should feel honored to take care of you and pick you up in his coach...oh I mean car. If he offers lame excuses on a regular basis like you live so far, not enough gas, it will save time.....no bueno.

3. He starts talking about how tired he is all the time. He cuts out on dates early or doesn't want to go places because he is so tired. When a guy is interested.. sleep gets put on the back burner. I have always told guys,  "You will know you are in love when you find a girl you are willing to give up sleep for."  This new exhaustion could be a sign or you can just try to give him lots of vitamins in hope he snaps out of it.

4. When his phone becomes extremely "private". If he starts acting shady with his phone or paranoid that you are looking or touching it...red flag!! Now I am all for privacy. I didn't normally just pick up Bryan's phone and go through it...this could seem desperate and untrustworthy. BUT if I did have it in my hands, Bryan never freaked out because he had nothing to hide. 

5. He starts avoiding your family. If he used to like hanging out with your family and now he doesn't there could be a problem. Unless you have a lot of family drama. Then it is natural to want to steer clear of crazyville. But remember it is hard to look a dad in the eye or have a mom be nice to you when you are about to break up with their daughter.

6. Friends see him with another girl. This seems obvious but you would be surprised how many times girlfriends let this go. If he is constantly hanging out with another girl this is a big red flag no matter what EXCUSES he comes up with. Don't buy the "we are just friends" unless they have known each other since kindergarten, she is a cousin, or she has a wart on her nose with hairs growing out of it that makes her completely unattractive. 

7. He stops wanting to kiss you good night. Have I mentioned that guys are physical creatures? They love to kiss. So if they all of sudden stop you are either A) a bad kisser B) have bad breath C) they are kissing someone else or d) they are pulling away because they are going to break up with you.
CAVEAT:Some guys, think pond scum, will totally make out with you even if he is planning on breaking up with you that night. True. So gross.

8. He changes his Facebook status! If all of a sudden he changes from being in a relationship to its complicated or single there is a problem. Also look to see if he is slowly taking down pictures of the two of you. It could be gradual, so slight you might not notice or he might say, "I just don't want anyone knowing our business!" Really isn't that the whole point of Facebook??? 

NEXT UP: THE BREAK... UP SOME UGLY TRUTHS