Before I Said Yes...

Our wedding verses were Ephesians 3:16-19. 

"I pray that out of his glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge —that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."

      We chose these because it encapsulated our relationship with God. When we first met we were both pretty rough around the edges but for different reasons. Bryan was very churched. His grace stick was a bit small and he sometimes said pretty hurtful things using bible verses to back it up. I was a new Christian with a lot of baggage, hurts, and pain. You would think two opposites would not get along right? Well to be honest we didn't at first. We came from two completely different backgrounds and experiences. Our entire approach to life was not even on the same page. So how did it work? A lot of hard work, more laughter, and a ton of God's grace.
      Bryan said he knew we were going to get married after 5 months of dating. I on the other hand was much slower on the uptake. It took me two and half years before I was ready to be his wife. Why so long? Bryan is pretty easy to love if you can get past his laundry situation :) Loving him wasn't the problem. What I had to figure out was could I accept his love and be the wife God wanted for him? Could I forgive myself for my past and accept deep down that God made me new? Could I work through my family issues and not be bound by the generational sin? Could I cast off the guilt of not being "as good as" Bryan seem to be? Could I really be a pastor's wife? I sure as heck didn't feel like I could fill those shoes.
      How did I answer those questions? Well not by looking at my daily horoscope or calling a hot line. Not by vomiting on all my friends until I found one who would just agree with me and help me justify  everything. Not by pushing all the tough stuff under the rug hoping nobody would find it. And not by being in denial and trying to be something I wasn't just so I could become this amazing man's wife. I took over 2 years soaking up my relationship with Jesus. I joined Bible studies to seek out His will. I read my Bible to find out who He was. I went to conferences to learn more about Jesus. 
        I surrounded myself with Christian friends who encouraged me to keep the faith. I mostly listened to Christian music so I could constantly renew my mind and praise Him. I started volunteering in the youth ministry to understand the importance of serving others. I obeyed God when He told me to keep my relationship with Bryan physically pure no matter how hard it would be. I learned to lean into the pain and not run from it because God was faithful in healing my wounds.
      Did all that "work"? Yes and no. It got me on the right path but it wasn't the whole picture. The key was falling in love with Jesus. The true difference was really believing that He died on the cross for me. His blood paid the price for my past. He was pierced for my sins. He loved me enough to die on the cross and He didn't want anything in return but for me to accept him. I said yes to becoming Bryan's wife after I said yes to Jesus and accepted that God loved me more.

How high, how wide, how long, how deep is the love of Christ? Long enough, wide enough, and deep enough to find me!

Fertile Heart

Fertile-	capable of producing offspring, having nutrients for sustaining abundant growth, highly productive, rich, abundant, capable of fertile ground lets things grow.
	When I first became a Christian my main prayer was for God to give me a fertile heart. Over the years my family's dysfunction, my own bad choices, other hurts and painful experiences all had taken its toll on my heart. It had become hardened. I built a fortress. Brick by brick I put up thick walls of protection that were not easily penetrable. I was determined to keep all the pain and bad things out that could hurt me, at whatever the cost. I became very proud of how guarded my heart had come.         The problem with a heart that is so hidden and hell bent on keeping things out is there is no way to let anything in, even the good stuff. God had pierced a whole through my fortress but I knew that my heart was still full of many weeds, thorns, and prickly bushes that could strangle out the new offshoots of God's truth, love, compassion, mercy, or grace that were trying to spring up. There wasn't a great foundation or fertile soil when this process began.       "Kimberley, if you love me let me inside to fill your heart with my love, my light, my son. It won't be easy. Some of those bricks which have been there a long time are entrenched, cemented in. They will not be removed without total faith in me. Many of those weeds have really long roots that have choked out healthy feelings. Some of those thorns will prick you and bleed again when you try to get rid of them. Many will keep growing back unless you keep your heart fertile with my word. But trust me, it will be worth it!"         Really God??? Because that sounds like a lot of work. What have I learned about this process in the past 16 years? I have learned that what goes into your mind and heart comes out of your mouth. I have learned that God will put some seemingly unlovable people in your path to see just how strongly you are rooted in him. I have learned that a healthy fertile heart feels deeply especially other people's pain. But most of all, I have learned that God is faithful. He continues to show up if I am willing to keep up the gardening in my heart! "But the seed falling on good soil refers to someone who hears the word and understands it. This is the one who produces a crop, yielding a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown.” Matthew 13:23

WHY?

"To our heart wretched cries of Why? God's ultimate answer is "Jesus", as He is glorified and magnified in our lives through our suffering.

Trust Him.

When there are no answers to your questions...

Trust Him when you don't understand.

Trust His heart.

Trust His purpose.

Trust Him when it is your heart that is broken.

Trust His goodness.

Trust Him beyond the grave.

Trust Him to know best.

Trust His plan to be bigger than yours.

Trust Him to keep His word.

Trust Him to be on time.

Trust Him to be enough.

Trust Him to set you free.

Trust Him-and Him alone!

The times when you can not trace His hand of purpose, we must trust His heart of love!

Trust Him!"

-Anne Graham Lots

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path." Proverbs 3:5-6

The Cup

I came across this when I was cleaning out my office. I don't know who wrote it but I wanted to share it because the words spoke directly to my heart.

"This cup (picture of coffee mug) symbolizes the empty space which God has created within us that can only be filled by Him. Often we stretch out our hand with the empty cup expecting our spouses, our children, our friends, to fill our empty places. We always find that there must be a hole in the bottom of the cup as it never fills to the top. Those around us complain that we are ungrateful and always expecting more when in fact the empty cup is only meant to be filled with God. When it is filled with Him, the love we receive from others becomes the overflow and we can enjoy and be grateful for whatever amount we receive."

Lord, I pray for you to fill my cup so that my love for you will overflow into all areas of my life. Help me to be obedient to you and not try to fill my empty spaces with any other source but Jesus Christ.

Struggling

Today I am struggling....I have felt the spirit of uneasiness and irritation slowly creeping up on me. Instead of fighting it with prayer I became busier, more consumed with just getting things done. I woke up not really wanting to get out of bed, not wanting to start the day, not wanting to deal with ANYTHING. God, can I just not show up today? Can I hide out, pull the covers over my head and pretend to shut out the world, life, responsibilities, my family, my work, my problems? Some days I am so tired. There is always something to be done, someone who needs help or needs to talk, something to fix or figure out. Maybe I have had enough just for today.....

"Kimberley, my beloved daughter, come rest in me. Cast all your cares at my feet and let me bear your burdens. I will be your strength, your rock. I will shelter you beneath my wings."

But God, what does that really mean? You are not coming over to the do the dishes? You are not here folding the huge piles of laundry? Are you going to send the money for a maid? Maybe a cook? A nanny? How are you going to help right now with all that has to be done? 

"Kimberley, I hear your cries. I will never leave you. My love never fails. Find comfort in my promises. It's not about your to do list its about your attitude. Change your focus. Rejoice in all that you do have, praise Me for all the blessings in your life, find peace in My word, don't hide under the covers. Throw them back and declare that THIS IS THE DAY THAT THE LORD HAS MADE. I WILL REJOICE AND BE GLAD IN IT!"

Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens." Psalm 68:19