Why I Hated Church

I have often wrestled with why I had such a profound distaste for going to church in my teens and early twenties. There were so many reasons, I have come to the conclusion that I disliked the whole process, start to finish, from getting ready on Sundays to getting back in the car when church was over and everything in between. Why should I have to dress and wear only “church” clothes or things that were “church” acceptable (pantyhose were a must in my house and I knew for sure these were made by the devil himself). I had to act a certain way, pretend to like everyone else, so as not to stand out or call too much attention to myself. Different in church does not mean better it means different. Besides fitting in, I never really said what I was thinking or feeling. 

“How are you today Kimberley?” “Fine” or “Great” was my usual reply. God forbid I actually told them the truth. “”Right now life sucks. My alcoholic dad left again, my mom is off her rocker, and my sister is a basket case. I’m hurting, alone, angry and confused.” Can you just imagine their faces? The whispers behind my back? The judgment in their eyes? The awful clichés thrown back at me? God never gives you what you can't handle, The Lord turns bad into good, maybe you are not praying hard enough” Nope, everything is just fine. Then my family would get back into the car throw off the churchy stuff and start bickering right away, until next Sunday.

I felt the sins of my father, the sins of my family deeply. In these years I never encountered a personal relationship with Jesus and I learned church was a place for the fashion police, mean old people, fake smiles, teenagers playing their parents for fools and the ever creeping feeling that I would never be good at following all these rules. I decided I did not want to play this game anymore. Church became irrelevant at best a hurtful place at its worse. 

After years of avoiding church people at ALL COSTS Jesus came a knocking. I opened my heart to Him but not without a fight… I was angry…with Him! Where had He been? How could He have let certain things happen? Is He for real? Will He keep His promises? Because if He was the “church” I grew up with NO THANK YOU! I’ll take my chances with the world. At least I don’t expect much from it. 

Of course God met my anger with love. I came face to face with a real God, a real Jesus. Now, I can never accept less than the real thing! We want, no we crave, authentic relationships that surpass the normal superficial ones that people settle with. Let's fill our churches with deeper, meaningful, and genuine, believers willing to love wholeheartedly, not surface level!  

"He makes the whole body fit together perfectly. As each part does its own special work, it helps the other parts grow, so that the whole body is healthy and growing and full of love." Ephesians 4:16

Piles of "Crap"!

I am semi-organized...in my house everything has its place but the things I don't want to deal with especially paperwork to file, bills to be paid, mail to sort through, taxes to figure out, goes into a pile. Now they ARE organized piles. Piles with a purpose. Neat piles if you will. Sometimes I actually move them around, shuffle them a bit to make myself feel accomplished but rarely do I go through them except in a panic to find something. I don't actually "deal" with them on a regular basis.

Yesterday, I was FORCING myself to tackle one of the piles because we are getting our floor done and it must be gone. I DREADED going through it! I might even have been feeling some anxiety about how overwhelming the task was going to be and I didn't know where to start!

As I was procrastinating by painting the baseboards, because yeah that makes sense in the big scheme of things, it hit me! That the way I feel about those dumb piles is the way I feel about some of my issues! You know the issues we all have that we just don't want to take care of so we put them off. Maybe walk around them, act like they aren't there because thinking about them causes angst, apprehension, or fear. The conversations we might be avoiding, the sin we keep not confessing, the anger we let explode, the pride that halts our growth, the negative thoughts that make us critical, the perfectionism that makes us controlling......those issues that have been moving around in our life for a very long time.

Funny thing though even if I pretend my piles aren't there or flat out ignore them doesn't mean they go away by themselves. There is no magic fairy waving a wand or a genie twitching her nose that will make it all disappear. To clear those piles will take work, fortitude, the willingness to get to the bottom no matter what comes up, the courage to face the truth no matter how painful, the perseverance to not quit when it gets tough, and the humbleness to ask for help even if you are embarrassed. Some of those piles or issues seem like mountains too high to climb. It probably will get really messy before any progress is made. Why not leave them alone? What is it really hurting? My piles, my issues, are just who I AM!

"The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life." John 10:10 

Sometimes we wait too long and our marriages crumble, relationships drift apart, debt mounts, bitterness sets in, procrastination happens, certain sins become way too comfortable. We justify that others are worse or we outright deny that we have any issues at all. We settle for less than. We agree to "this is it". We don't claim the mighty promises of our generous God. We stick our head in the sand like an ostrich and let our "piles" accumulate, hinder, and stop us from living an awesome life!

But God created us to be free of all the stuff that trap us and keep us just going through the motions. "There is a true peace and satisfaction that comes from being completely submitted to God's will—knowing you are living in the manner He wants you to live. Then you are free to live the joyful life, the complete life, the free life—the life Jesus describes as "more abundant." (Yohn) 

Which pile do you want to tackle first? One paper, one issue at a time! It's about progress, not perfection!

Recycled!

In the US we are pretty good about recycling. In 2009, Americans recycled 82 million tons of materials.(kab.org) We go to thrift stores for clothing, shoes, and costumes that might have barely been worn. We try to find old furniture to renovate turning something old and trashy into something new and relevant. Most of us love pitching in to do our part to save the earth to cut down on waste. 

I think God is kind of like that too. He loves to recycle. He knows that we live in a broken, sinful world that causes pain and destruction all around. He knows life can be hard and some of us have been hurt... terribly. Instead of saying, "Oh just forgive and forget or that's what you get.." He says, "My precious, precious child. I am so sorry that this has happened. Every tear you cried was noticed. Every bad choice I grieved because I knew the consequences would be damaging. The wounds you have collected that seem so ugly now...I will cover them with the blood of my son. I will hold you in my arms surrounded by my perfect love until you believe that I love you just the way you are, SCARD and all. I will take what the devil is using to keep you fearful, ashamed, condemned and make you "beautiful" again. You are mine, bought, redeemed, and LOVED!"

God doesn't WASTE a hurt. When we are healed and transformed through His grace and mercy, we can point others struggling with the same issues to Him.
His glory shines through when we REFUSE to let our past define us and instead use our trials, tribulations, baggage, and sin to HELP and COMFORT others. 

The other day, I sat in front of a 23 year female lost in confusion because of the way she had been living her life the last few years. She confessed to feeling like she was a bad person who is unworthy, unlovable, and just a mess. I smiled and with tears in my eyes said, "At your age I felt exactly that same way. And the person who is sitting before you today is living proof that God TRANSFORMS lives and uses EVERYTHING for His glory. Trust in Him and someday you will be on this side of the table. I promise!" 

God "recycles" those who follow Him.

"All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us." 2 Corinthians 1:4

Broken Girl

“Our culture has accepted two huge lies. The first is that if you disagree with someone’s lifestyle, you must fear or hate them. The second is that to love someone means you agree with everything they believe or do. Both are nonsense. You don’t have to compromise convictions to be compassionate.” R. Warren

I am not part of the liberal left and I would detest ever be called the religious right. One accepts everything and can compromise accountability, the other closely resembles the Pharisees that loved the rules but not people. I don't want to be trapped by any of these ideologies that seem to stand on platforms of rhetoric rather than actually making a difference in the world. I am uncomfortable how many have bought into the idea that "the war" will be won in the political realm and not in the HEARTS of the people. 

Politics will not answer the "cry for help". The church that Jesus left behind should be the ones to step in to show the world the power of God's love, grace, mercy, kindness, gentleness, and humility. In the midst of all these horrible tragedies, the body of Christ should stand up and act like the one who created them is in CHARGE! Because of His glory, beauty will rise from the ashes of evil. Hope will stamp out despair. Love will triumph over hate. 

We don't need more judgment, fear, laws, fighting over our opinions, or finger pointing!! We need a 'church' that will rally around the hurting, the lost, the outcasts, and the broken, to serve and comfort them.

Instead of being known by my political party, ethnic background, sexual orientation, career choices, financial bracket or membership in a religious group, I want to be known as a broken girl, living in a broken world trying to make a difference by loving others well. Not to be a great person but to serve a Great GOD! I want to stand on the example of Jesus who didn't argue with politicians, attend parades bashing others, listen to talk radio of fools, demand for more laws to be made, turn his nose at the less fortunate, brag about who his dad was, wear bumper stickers to show what he believed or constantly fight over "nonessentials". 

Instead, He walked around the earth telling everyone about God's love and washing the feet of others. Just because I am a Christian, please don't put me into ANY box, especially the ones that are so far away from the ACTUAL teaching of Jesus. Please don't judge God when I make mistakes or fail miserably at reflecting Him well. 

I am just a broken girl, living in a broken world trying to make a difference by loving others.

"If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing." 1 Cor 13:1-3