Mercy Me!

Last night we went to the Mercy Me concert as a family. The kids were not super excited, "Mom, they are like 40 year old men!" I almost gave in and sold their tickets, but I just had a feeling we were supposed to go together. Doubt crept in again as we argued about taking a picture with all of us and everyone was complaining about how hungry they were. As we settled down and the music started, all three seem to be enjoying themselves and at least were nodding their heads. They even got up, clapped their hands, and danced around laughing. Towards the end, I began to worry about the time, how late it was, what our crazy week looked like coming up, and questioned whether we should leave early.

The lead singer, Bart Millard, was talking and letting us know the "curse" of a songwriter was that usually songs were written out of a painful experience he had just gone through. The last one he was introducing was called, "Even If". This song was THE ONE I had been waiting for! We couldn't leave until I heard it! The words have really spoken to me during this whole journey with Lakin. I have wept many times, cried out to God, and worshiped Him while listening to it. 

Bart explained that this song came out of frustration when he knows God can heal, he knows God can fix something...but doesn't. It was written after he had a really bad day, because he just had gotten done at the doctor's office with his son who has Type 1 Diabetes!!! He was upset about how all-encompassing his son's chronic illness is and how it touches every part of their lives. 

Type 1 Diabetes? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? That is what he just came out of his mouth? That song, my song, came from this guy's struggles with his son's T1D? I snapped my head around and looked at Lakin, she said, "Can you believe it?" I leaned over into Bryan's arm and just started sobbing. Not necessarily tears of sadness but overwhelmingly filled with so many emotions. THIS is the reason we are here tonight! We are NOT alone. She is not alone! She had to hear from the stage, surrounded by thousands of other people, that her fight will be alongside MANY others. This disease does not care how much money you have, what color your skin is, how old you are, or who your dad is! It is relentless. But it doesn't mean the God who controls the universe and created you doesn't care or has left you behind. 

Thank you God for reminding me that there are no such things as coincidences and Team Lee was right where they should have been last night!

Even If (parts of) by Mercy Me

"You've been faithful, You've been good

All of my days

Jesus, I will cling to You

Come what may

‘Cause I know You're able

I know You can

I know You're able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

I know the sorrow, I know the hurt

Would all go away if You'd just say the word

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

It is well with my soul

It is well, it is well with my soul" 

Hospital Stay

Watching your child lay in a hospital bed hooked up to a mess of wires is beyond hard, unimaginable even. This little human who you vowed to love and protect, since the moment you laid eyes on them, seem to get swallowed up by the white sheets and beeping machines. Nurses and techs come in and out, checking vitals, asking questions, talking medical jargon like we should be on board, all caught up, used to the idea that Lakin has this chronic illness.

I felt beyond hopeless. As her parent, I should be able to fix things, change the outcome, or make it all better! I wanted to jump into the bed, take her place, and yank this awful disease from her. Please God, let it be me! I should be the one! I would trade places with her in a heartbeat!

I had not slept in over 29 hours. I was coming down with a cold. I could not stop crying. I couldn't eat and felt sick to my stomach. I am a big girl and getting food down has never been a problem. But everything tasted like sawdust and was sticking in my throat; I gagged on a simple muffin and a banana. Well-meaning people kept telling me, "Kimberley you are strong, you will get through this, at least you have Bryan, it will get easier, they have made so many medical advances"..........I couldn't clearly hear or process everyone's words. It was as if I was swimming under water. Muffled sounds. It reminded me of Charlie Brown's teacher talking to him, "Wah. Wah. Wah. Wah."

I am not strong! I can't handle this! Not this, not Lakin, not now! I want to wake up and pray this is all a dream, or actually a nightmare. If I close my eyes and then open them again, I will be lying in bed with Bryan, praising Jesus because it wasn't real! It's not real. Right?

After 12 hours in the hospital, I met a nurse with a syringe in her hand, going into Lakin's room. I stop her and ask her what she is doing. She talks to me like you would a 2 year-old, "Ma'am I am giving her insulin." What? What are you taking about? We haven't seen a doctor since we came up from the ER. We haven't heard an official diagnosis from a medical professional or talked about the game plan.

The nurse decides talking S-L-O-W-E-R will help me understand her, "This is her long-lasting insulin which the doctor ordered for us to give her."

"Well, then that doctor can come talk to us and help our daughter understand what is happening rather then walking in here and injecting a drug in her that she is not familiar with. My husband isn't here and I am going to need more information before we take this step. Since I actually know she doesn't HAVE to have it right now, how about we wait! Just because this isn't new to you, this is life-changing for her and us, we are going to need a little bit more understanding and grace from you!"

"So no shot?"
'No! Don't go near her yet. You haven't even checked her sugar in hours. "

An eye roll and a tut later, the nurse backs off and says, "O-K-A-Y....." This would be the beginning of many issues we would have to advocate for our daughter during her stay. Like in any job, there are amazing people and some that should choose a different career field. We had to be constantly aware and vigilant about everything taking place with Lakin's care, even if we were exhausted, sick, and devastated. It was not enough to believe that since we were in a hospital to just let the professionals take care of all the details. Come to find out many mistakes and misunderstandings can take place in this setting.

At night I would lay there listening to Lakin breathe, watching her chest rise and fall. I was fighting to gain perspective and give praise for all the blessings that were still happening in the midst of all the heartache. To be honest, one minute this was easy and the next I was sinking into sorrow! I was all over the place emotionally. I cried out to God, "Lord, I am struggling but thank you that Lakin is alive! Thank you for giving us another day! Thank you that this is not worse and will be something she will be able to 'manage'."

The lead nurse kept asking me if I was ready to give her a shot because Lakin couldn't leave until both parents had shown they could do it without help. I am not scared of shots, needles, or pain for MYSELF!!! When it comes to my children it is a whole different ball game! No, please don't make me push a needle into my daughter. It will make it too real. I waited until the last minute and the nurse congratulated me for being only the 2nd mom to not cry. What she didn't know was that I was all cried out by this time and working on being completely numb to everything. :(

As for Lakin, she went from being terrified of any kind of needles to a little over 12 hours later giving herself her own shots. She was AMAZING, with learning about all her new medications, equipment, and nutrition changes to calculating her carbohydrates and sugar correction ratios. (Lots of math) I saw her pull from strength deep within and process all the information being thrown at her with a dignity and poise far beyond her years. She kept her sense of humor and made jokes at her own expense to help others cope with what was going on. The night she got out of the hospital she went home, took a shower and showed up at her high school basketball game. 

We had over 65 visitors; stop by to give their love and support of her and our family. We were overwhelmed by the generosity, kindness, and prayers of our community. The flowers, balloons socks, coloring books, ice teas, food, phone calls, Facebook posts, smiles, and hugs truly got us through these difficult days. It kept us busy and distracted to not have to focus on the "chronic diagnosis" Never once did we feel we were all alone or not cared about! It was so important to feel connected to our "people" while going through a storm than to drown in isolation.

While I would not wish a hospital stay or illness for any child, we have become closer as a family and a community! When Bryan and I couldn't stand by ourselves our family and friends came and held us up until we could get our legs back underneath us. The prayers have helped shine light and clear away the fog and numbness of our hearts and minds. I also believe without a shadow of doubt that beauty will keep rising out of all these trials. I know that God's glory will reign and that He has a plan for my daughter's life to LIVE BIG!

"Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory. We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love." Romans 5:2-5

Sweet Sixteen

  

Today is my daughter's birthday. She turned 16! As a writer, or at least someone who uses words to communicate, I am speechless! It is more than the feelings of, "Where did the time go? How did this happen so fast? I can't believe she will drive!" It's actually EPIC, exciting, terrifying, bittersweet, and overwhelming all wrapped together......

"Dear Lakin,
You took my breath away the first time I ever saw you. When they put you on my chest, I looked down into your big brown eyes and felt you glanced into my soul! It was like you reached inside and touched my heart with a jolt of electricity! It was almost a challenge, a huge wake up call, "Hey Mom, I am finally here. What are you going to do with me now?" I knew, right then, that I would spend the rest of my life being your champion! Loving you with all my heart until I take my last breath.

These last 16 years watching you grow up have been one of the biggest blessings of my life. I could not ask for another kind of daughter to help make me in to a better person, to deepen my faith, and to call me mom!

I know being a teenager isn't always easy. Kids are mean. Boys are stupid. Nothing seems to make sense. Emotions are at an all-time high. Finding your place in this world can be awkward and hard. But there are a few things I want you to ALWAYS remember as you are beginning to make this transition into adulthood.

You are LOVED! Even if you are mad at us, don't agree with our decisions or think we don't know anything, your dad and I would die for you in a second! Team Lee for life! (Even when you change you name after you get married)

JUST BE YOU! Don't conform to what the world wants or expects. You do you and no one else's idea of what you should be like. You choose your journey. You pave your own path. You are strong, courageous, and have it in you to move mountains and accomplish your dreams! Never quit! Don't ever try to have it all together or be perfect, that is so unattainable and overrated :) Just be you!

OWN IT! Own your life. Never push it off on someone else. If you make a mistake, apologize. If you feel strongly about something, say it! If you want to do things differently, DO IT! If you fall down or stumble, get up and try again! Character and integrity count, don't let anyone try to talk you into something else. No matter their job title or position they hold.

Your IDENTITY is in Christ! Not in this world or what people say about you. Not in a boy if he likes you or not. Not in a job or how much money you make. Or what kind of car you drive or house you live in. Don't believe the lies, focus on the truths. No matter how loud all the noise is.

Community Matters! Stay connected to God, your family, and your community. When the storms of life come and try to knock you around or even drown you, all three will be your life lines. Who you surround yourself with will determine so much.

Lakin, I am in AWE of the woman you are becoming and the amazing person you are right now! I will treasure all our "talks" and car rides to school. I will be your loudest cheerleader and your biggest fan. (No matter if you get embarrassed :) I am blessed beyond measure to be your mom and hope I have lived up to the challenge you threw out that first day, "I am here and what are you going to do with me?" LOVE YOU FIERCELY that's what I will do!

Happy Sweet 16!
Mom

A Hole In My Heart

This has been a season of many goodbyes. Each family, every person left footprints on our lives. They were all part of our journey, in some way, big and small. We have watched many of them grow up, get married, have babies, say yes to Jesus, go on mission trips to far away countries, take jobs in different cities, and go separate ways. 

Each goodbye is hard. Really hard. When I see their posts on Facebook it makes it real that we are not going to be living life together anymore. When we pray over them I struggle with tears thinking about how much we will miss them. When I see my kids crying or asking if "they" are ever coming back again, I sometimes ask myself if loving people so much is worth it. 

In a few weeks, two guys who are dear to my heart, have both opened new chapters in their lives. This means they are leaving. More goodbyes. While I am so excited about their new adventures and support them following the path God has them on, my heart grieves! I will miss them! They have both made such a huge impact on me, my kids, our community, and our church. We have shared so many life experiences, highs and lows, and celebrated a lot of milestones together. They are more than friends they are FAMILY! The spirit bonds us in a way like no other, knitted together by a higher power!  

I have constantly taught that community matters! Even when it hurts. Even when it's hard. Even when you feel the loss deeply. When someone leaves they should LEAVE A HOLE IN YOUR HEART. A hole in your schedule, in your life, and in your church. It means they were loved, they were engaged, and they served. The hole represents time that was spent building relationships that went beyond the superficial, deeper than the surface. The hole represents the memories of laughter, tears, heartaches, growing pains, mistakes, successes, frustrations, joys, Monday night dinners, and everything in between!   

As I am bawling my eyes out writing this, God promises to fill that hole with His love and He reminds me that most importantly, we are a community of believers that have a common purpose. It's bigger than me, them, all of us. We were united together to bring the hope of Jesus to the heart of the city! Committed to love God and loving others. So the answer to my question, "Is it worth it to love so much?" YES, OH YES! I wouldn’t trade it for the world or for not feeling the pain or shedding the tears! I am a better person for knowing all of YOU!! I am blessed and honored to have walked with each of you, some just a few steps and some years of being messy together!

#communitymatters

#Teeds #Gomez #Harrisons #Livingoods #Kims #Ricky #Trey #Josh #Steyearts #Lauren #Boices #Austin #Baldridges #Banks #Phillips #Johnsons #Clarks #Pinkletons #Prices #Elizabeth #Megan #Jordan #Levi

"They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer.Everyone was filled with awe at the many wonders and signs performed by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common. They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved." Act 2:42-47

Broken Bottles, Broken Chains

As a family we watched a movie called Home Run last week. It was about a fictional, professional, baseball player who struggled with alcoholism. The story showed how his childhood trauma caused him to drown out the problems in his life and the voices of his abusive father from his head. In one part of the movie, the main actor was sitting in a hotel room just staring at the mini fridge where he was storing his booze. He was saying over and over, "I will not give in. I don't need it." My kids actually cheered when they thought he stopped drinking and then would groan when he eventually started up again. 

It was painful to watch my children be on an emotional roller coaster with this guy! Luckily they only dealt with these up and down feelings for an hour and half and it wasn't personal. I, on the other hand, lived in this kind of turmoil almost my entire life and it was very, very personal. You see I knew that the main character would ALWAYS go back to the bottle. I knew he wouldn't be able to resist the lure of numbing the pain if only for a few hours. I knew my kids were setting themselves up for disappointment by believing that THIS time he would change. This time he would say no. This time he would do the right thing and choose his family over the alcohol. I wanted to tell my kids, "THEY ALWAYS GO BACK!" I had to remind myself that we were watching a movie. It wasn't a real family. By why did the hurt and feelings seem so real? So familiar. It was easy to fall back into the painful cycle of the last 37 years of my life dealing with my dad's addiction. The memories were strong of being a child and not understanding why my family was different or as a teenager feeling the shame that there was so much to hide. Or being an adult and wanting to protect my own children from the yo-yo of hope and despair that comes with addictions. 

Of course by the end of the movie, Hollywood wrapped up this guy's life nicely. He overcame his drinking, ended up speaking at his AA meetings, got his family back, and they all lived happily ever after. My kids went to bed happy and carefree because that's how most Disney movies end. The good guys wins. The world is saved. The guy gets the girl. Love conquers everything. That is all they know. 

But with alcohol addiction that is rarely the reality. I sat there, as my husband tucked my kids into bed, with tears in my eyes for all the families that have been destroyed over alcohol and don't get their happily ever after. I cried for all the dreams and futures that were cut short because the temptation to drink quickly snuffed them out. I cried because the lies of alcohol affect not just the person but also their children, their grandkids, and everyone around them for generations to come. And then my tears flowed in overwhelming gratitude. I cried more because I am beyond thankful that those chains are broken in my family. I cried because I am blessed to be married to a guy who doesn't find hope at the bottom of a bottle and my children do not have to live under the burdens of addiction. I am in awe. I've been set free. The cycle of destruction will not repeat itself in my house! 

“Lord, help!” they cried in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress. He led them from the darkness and deepest gloom; he snapped their chains." Psalms 107:13-14

Not Prepared For This!

Last night the pastor was talking about baptism and my 9 year old son looked up at me and said, "Mom I want to get baptized!" My first thoughts, like every good mom were, "Huh? What does this mean? Are you kidding? Does he know what he is talking about?"

Lawson, why do you want to get baptized? He peered over his glasses which magnify his eyes, "Mom, it’s not about the crackers and juice. I want to live with Jesus and I want Him to live in me."

Again in my head, so many irrelevant thoughts race through my mind, "Okay that's awesome BUT this was not on the schedule, grandma and grandpa are not here, we didn't send out invitations, we don't have a Bible with your name on it, I am wearing ripped jeans, this is epic and I am not prepared for this conversation!"

How can I not be prepared? I have ministered to people for over 20 years and have talked to hundreds about Jesus! Why am I drawing a blank looking in the eyes of one of the most precious kids in the world to me? God, what on Earth am I supposed to say? Maybe he should talk to his dad, who we can't find! Lord, please help me!

We go sit on a bench in the back of the church and I ask him, "Lawson do you know what baptism means? It’s telling the world, that the best that you know how, you are going to follow Jesus. You are going to let Him lead you in your life. That you know He died on the cross for your sins and rose again. At that he has a spot in heaven just for you! Is that what you believe son? Not because your dad is a pastor, not because you go to church, not because your brother did this 5 years ago, not to make us happy. There is no party, no presents, nothing but a horse trough with water outside for you to get wet in. Do you still want to do this?"

"Yep, I want to follow Jesus with all my heart." His dad walks up and we prayed with our son. Surrounded by tons of people who love and support him, Lawson Reid Lee, was baptized in a galvanized tub, sitting on a trailer, in the parking lot of a public high school. There weren't any balloons streamers, confetti, or banners. But I know there was a party in heaven with the angels singing and rejoicing! (Luke 15:10) 

"Jesus called a little child to him and put the child among them. 3 Then he said, “I tell you the truth, unless you turn from your sins and become like little children, you will never get into the Kingdom of Heaven. 4 So anyone who becomes as humble as this little child is the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven.: Matthew 18:2

Praying for Her Future

Yesterday, I was riding in the car with Lakin and I glanced over at her and thought, "Wow, she is growing up so fast." A picture of her twirling around in her wedding dress flashed in my mind. As tears welled in my eyes, I silently started praying for her future husband. 

"Dear Jesus, prepare the guy who captures her heart to love her unconditionally, to bring out the best in her, to serve her, to make her laugh, and dry her tears when she cries. To hold her hand, to give her hugs, and tell her often how much he loves her. To lead and guide her on this journey with grace and mercy. To help her become the person she was created to be. Lord, give her a guy who will be her best friend and truly treasure her as the amazing gift that she is..."

Lakin looked at me and saw the tears. "Mom, what are you doing?"

"I don't want to freak you out but I was praying for your future husband. I am praying that right now he is letting God work in his life to become the man you will need in marriage."

She kind of laughs and says, "Mom, I have a few years."

Yes, daughter but it is never too early to start praying!

 "Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done." Philippians 4:6

Dear Miley Cyrus

Dear Miley Cyrus,

I know that you are an entertainer. I know that you make money by performing and any kind of publicity is great for famous people. I have heard you say in reference to some of your behavior that, "You were making history, it's no big deal because that's just who I am."

I can see you are "trying to reinvent yourself, and shrug off the Disney Hannah Montana image that you made millions on. You want to "evolve" and you thought doing something drastic was the best course of action. Your quote, "Every time I do anything, I want to remember, 'This is what separates me from everybody else,' I have this freedom to do whatever I want because I'm starting as a new artist now."

You are right, as an adult, you are free to do whatever you want..even if that means making negative impressions on millions of little girls who grew up watching your show and concerts. You have no moral responsibility when those same girls can't separate your new "behaviors" from the your old ones as a role model on a family show. The "old" you tried to figure out how to be a teenager and make the right choices. The new you sells empty promises of misusing your sexuality and outrageous behavior that will translate as being "cool". When all those 10-14 years old females start mimicking your "evolved" self and get themselves into trouble because they don't understand the consequences of dressing like that or "twerking" on the wrong person, you don't have to feel bad because really you are just an "image" right?

I also know, as a parent, it is my responsibility to not let my children look at stars in Hollywood and believe they should act like them or put them on pedestals. But to be honest Miley, I am a little sad to have to tell my daughter that the girl whose posters hang in her room and CDs she has collected over the years is no more. I am trying to help her understand that she is not allowed to buy this new artist's music or watch anything that you create now because it's not appropriate for her anymore. I am not mad, I know Hannah Montana had to grow up sometime. I just wish she didn't have to change so drastic that now she is almost unrecognizable and someone who I definitely don't want my kids to look up to.

From a Kind of Sad Mom....


   

A Letter to My Daughter

Dear Lakin,

I may not also say the right things. I may not always do the right things. I probably won't be the coolest parent, the prettiest, the richest, the smartest. I won't be able to give you everything you want or take you wherever you want to go. I will not always say yes even when everyone else is doing it. I care what you wear, who your friends are, where you are spending time. I care about who you are, what you believe, what you stand for. I care more about the woman you will become rather than if you fit in with those around you. I know I will embarrass you, I will frustrate you and make you very angry because you don't understand all the decisions I will make. 

I know I am loud, bossy, opinionated, and it sometimes is hard to live in my shadow. You will not always like me, I probably won't be fond of you all the time. But know one thing my beautiful daughter. I will ALWAYS love you no matter what. Nothing you do good or nothing you do bad will make me love you any more or any less. 

Like this song says" I will stand by you no matter what. I will help you through when you have done all that you can do. I will dry your eyes, and I will fight your fight, I will hold you tight and I won't let go." When you're lost I will reach out for you. When you fall I will catch you. When the storms of life start knocking you down, I will be behind you pushing you up to face the winds. I will never lie to you. I will carry the baggage that is too heavy for you right now. When you feel small I will lift you up on my shoulders. I will use my voice to cheer you on the loudest. I will use my bossiness to make sure you are taken care of. I will voice my opinions when someone hurts your feelings. When you feel worthless I will remind you that you are the daughter of a mighty, mighty king. When you feel unloved I will show you the cross. 

When I first saw you on the sonogram screen I made a vow that I will give my life for you. When I was having trouble delivering you in the hospital I knew a fear of something happening to you that shook me to my core. When they placed you in my arms and you looked up at me I realized that my heart now lived outside my body. You had it clasped in your little hands. I may not be many things but I will always be your mom.

I Won't Let Go (by Rascal Flatts)
It’s like a storm
That cuts a path
It breaks your will
It feels like that
You think you're lost
But you're not lost
On your own
You're not alone

I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let go

It hurts my heart
To see you cry
I know it’s dark
This part of life
Oh, it finds us all
But we’re too small
To stop the rain
Oh, but when it rains

I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can doAnd you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let you fall

Don’t be afraid to fall
I’m right here to catch you
I won't let you down
It won't get you down
You're gonna make it
Yeah, I know you can make it

Cause I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
And I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let go

Oh I’m gonna hold you
And I won't let go
Won't let you go
No, I won't