Erosion of Marriage

A few months ago one of the college students we mentor said, "Kimberley, don't you know that we all have to clean up around you and Bryan?" I replied, "Clean-up? What do you mean by that?" Her response back was, "You know clean-up, watch our language, our jokes, our actions, how we talk, what we say? We know you don't like certain things so we 
don't do it around you."

This conversation hit me wrong almost immediately. It did not settle with me for many reasons. Are Bryan and I these perceived goody-two shoes that people walk on egg shells around? Do they think we are so bound by rules that they think they have to act differently or not be themselves around us? I have always tried not to judge others because I live in a very, fragile, glass house. Also, I am who I am all the time. Who I am at my house is who I am around my friends, at church on Sunday, at my work, at the ball field, or wherever I am. There are not five different "Kimberleys" made-to-order according to the situation. Not only does that sound exhausting, what if I mess up? What if I pull out the wrong Kimberley that is not appropriate at the time? Changing personalities does not sound very authentic or filled with integrity. I would question who is the real person or ask if their name is Sybil?

Fast forward a few months this same student was questioning if its possible to be happily married? Everyone around her is miserable, cheating, quitting, separated, or divorced. While, I stated that there are not 100% guarantees in any relationship there are things you can do to build your relationship on a healthy foundation. I reminded her of our past conversation. "Do you remember those things you said a few months ago that you had to "clean-up" around Bryan and me? Those are the "things" we "cleaned-up" to help stop erosion in our marriage.

EROSION: the gradual destruction of something

Foul language erodes relationships. It used to be such an ingrained part of my vocabulary I didn't even notice how much I used the "F'bomb or other curse words. Previous boyfriends called me horrible names and our fights were littered with trash talk especially in arguments. I accepted that as normal. Bryan and I have been together fifteen years and we have had quite a few crazy arguments but we never bring foul language into the mix. I can not imagine now, the man I love, calling me the "B word", telling me to shut-up, or worse. We also try not to put each other down in front of others or call each other names. Constantly bad mouthing your spouse even in jest erodes the relationship. Is the joke more important than your partner's feelings? Is the name you keep calling each other encouraging or degrading? Pretty soon if you hear something enough you will start believing it.

We try to be consistent in who we are no matter the circumstance. There is comfort and trust in knowing how your spouse is going to respond most of the time because their behavior is consistent. I rarely look at my husband and think, "Wow I had no idea about that when we got married or that behavior is totally a surprise!" I don't have to walk around on egg shells wondering which Bryan is going to walk through the door after work or guess which Bryan will show up when I tell him I tore off the car mirror by hitting a tree.

We have chosen to not have our life revolve around alcohol. Alcohol can be very deceiving and overuse can lead to bad judgment even with a person that has great intentions. I have made many regrettable decisions while under the influence. This has no place in my marriage when I need all my facilities clear just to make it through the day :)

Making sure our actions match our words is very important too. Integrity is doing the right thing no matter who you are with even if it's uncomfortable. When I go out for ladies night I don't turn into a person or say stuff that would diminish my marriage vows. When I tell college students about the things I stand for I don't do those things in secret when they are not around. When my husband asks me a question I don't lie no matter how small it seems even when I think he will be disappointed. His trust in my words are more important than "getting away" with something.

Erosion doesn't happen overnight or all of a sudden. It is not always a big catastrophic event that gets immediate attention. Erosion is much sneakier, creeping up on us without much notice. We start accepting behavior that gradually tears us down or wears away our self-esteem. The "little things" begin to eat into our commitments destroying our truths inch by inch. It can take many months or even years for us to finally take a hard look at ourselves and realize we are unrecognizable because of what we have let corrode our souls.

"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. Keep your mouth free of perversity; keep corrupt talk far from your lips. Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you.Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways." Proverbs 4:23-26

R U Kidding Me?

When I see people from my past and we catch up on the past twenty years, the conversation usually comes around to what are you doing, who did you marry? I eventually tell them I just happen to marry a pastor. The reactions vary from a slight nod, a puzzled look, raised eyebrows in disbelief, ignoring completely, or my favorite, a full out belly laugh of hysteria saying, "You gotta be kidding me? You? A pastor's wife? How did that happen?" I get why people respond that way. If you look at my past track records of boyfriends or pictures from high school and college it does seem pretty far fetched. I often chuckle at God's sense of humor with pairing Bryan and I up.

Usually the next questions follow the line of, "Do you drink anymore? Do you miss going out to the bars? Bryan probably wouldn't let you go out with us on the party bus? Do you have to act a certain way? Why would you want to change?" The questions seem to infer that I am not as fun as I once was, I have been brainwashed, or I am just plain weird. I have even been told by one of my old drinking buddies that they miss the "Old Kimberley" and can't understand why on earth I would change so much. The conclusion is that I do not do certain things because Bryan works at a church. But that could not be further from the truth. My life was radically changed before I met Bryan, before I knew we were going to get married, and definitely before I knew he would be a pastor. His job never changed my behavior other than I try not to embarrass him too much.

Why do I act different? Why are my decisions made through a different filter than the past?

I was compelled. I was compelled because of my love. My love for my God whose actions are more powerful than words. Whose words speak life and not death. Whose life sets the example of what love looks like. He transformed me from the inside out. I challenged Him to prove his love and he did by showing me His son on the cross. I challenged Him to heal my hurting heart and he brought people into my life to fill in the cracks. I challenged Him with my anger and He showed me what forgiveness looked liked. I used to want to fill all the voids in my life with all the things the world had to offer. I now know that only God can heal the broken-hearted, bind up the past, and set us free.

My love for Jesus means more than looking through life from the bottom of a beer bottle. My love for him means more than partying, more than putting people down to be funny, more than having all the material stuff. I didn't change because of a job title or the church. I was transformed because of a relationship. I don't do certain things because of the rules. I act certain ways because of my love for Jesus. My love for Him challenges me everyday to reflect Him the best I can.

"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you will prove what is good and acceptable and the perfect will of God." Romans 12:2

The "Other" Family

God gives us a family which we were born into. We don't get to choose them; often we probably would trade in a few or all of them. Return to sender. This one is broke. This one doesn't fit. This one just annoys me to death. Luckily or by design, things don't work that way or we might be the one labeled as defective and shipped off.

But God will also bless us with a "family" that might not be blood related but become an important part of us not because they have to but because they choose to be around us. He places people in our lives, friends, co-workers, mentors, students, on our paths that we are supposed to share our journeys with. It is truly humbling because these people could technically walk away at any time. Family guilt and blood don't make them show up. They show up because of the relationship. They show up because they choose to.

This "family" is a treat, a glimpse of the body of Christ. This "family" I love no less. I open my home, my family, and my life to them. They see the good, the bad, the ugly, and the downright crazy. When they walk away it hurts, deeply. So then why bother with people that are not family? Isn't family enough to deal with? Doesn't it get messy and weird? 

The answer is yes! But I can testify that these relationships are worth the mess, the pain, the weirdness. The more people you love on and the more people who love on you, enriches your life in ways that you never could imagine!

Whether we are sitting around my dinner table, hanging out on the couches, or serving in church together, we are investing in each other's lives. We discuss deep issues, make silly jokes, laugh at each other, and share our struggles. We hold each other accountable for our words, our actions, our choices, not in judgment but in love. We try to give each other grace when mistakes are made, feelings are hurt, or wrongs need to be made right. We create a community not built on obligation or guilt but a safe place to be yourself. A place to come and get recharged so that you can go back out and face the world.

Often, people say to us, "How cool that you and Bryan open your home like that. It is great that those people have you guys." My response to them is No Way! You don't understand. Bryan and I are the ones lucky to have them!! Their love has humbled us greatly. Their commitment to showing up and being a part of our family is amazing. The way they love on our kids, serve us , and show respect are blessings beyond what we could ever ask for.

Our "other family"  give me the courage to keep fighting, for a tomorrow that was better than my yesterday. A tomorrow where you can be bold because you have people in your life who have your back. A tomorrow that is filled with hope and love because you have people who will stand by you no matter what. Our "other family" is a treat, a glimpse of what heaven will be like.

10 Things I Would Do If I Wasn't A Pastor's Wife

1. Do a skit on Saturday night live with one of the old school actors like Jim Belushi, Eddie Murphy, or Dana Carvey.

2. Fly an airplane with a banner in the back calling people out who bother me.

3. Do an open-mic comedy night making fun of all my family and friends.

4. Grow dread-locks and not shave my legs for a year.

5. Go on a reality show where I don't have to be nice and maybe could even get into a wrestling match with someone.

6. Do a morning radio show saying whatever I wanted and crank calling people from my past.

7. Be a groupie for a rock band and follow them around in a classic Winnebago! (Probably the Goo Goo Dolls or Matchbox 20)

8. Go down to the U of A and heckle people, with a mega phone, as they walk by seeing how they would react.

9.  Write a trashy love novel killing off ex-boyfriends and making pretty girls in high school really ugly in my story.

10. Actually stay in my pajamas all day on a Sunday with my family, not putting on make-up, not answering the door or phone, and not have a 100 people ask, "Where were you on Sunday?

SIDE NOTE: This was just for fun. Bryan being a pastor does not stop me from doing any of these things. My love for Jesus and other people are the reasons I would not participate in activities that would hurt others or put a dent in my integrity :)

What Your Pastor's Wife Wish You Knew

Most of you know I am a pastor's wife. That makes some of you laugh hysterically considering my past and some of you scratch your head in confusion wondering how on earth such a thing happened. I too, often question God's crazy sense of humor when he put Bryan and I together. But, he did and I do my best to not embarrass my husband because I am still madly in love with him. With all that said, I feel there are a few things that pastor wives wish you knew but are probably too scared or intimidated to tell the general public, especially church people. Who let's face it can be downright critical. This group of ladies often get unfairly judged by what we say, how we look, how our kids act, what we do, what we don't do...blah,blah, blah. Luckily, I am almost 45 and let most of it roll off my back but just in case you ever wondered.......

1. Please do not assume I am wise just because I am a pastor's wife...although sometimes I can be with a whole lot of the Holy Spirit's help. I really don't know all the biblical references or scriptures, by heart, to meet your every question; especially right at the moment my youngest son is stealing money out of the fountain at church. Timing can be everything. 

2. Please do not expect me to wear pantyhose, play the organ, or work in the nursery.  I can't do any of those well nor do I want to. I refuse to feel guilty or less than because of it. Let me be me! And I will let you be you!

3. Please do not correct my speech with the words, "You can't say that you are a pastor's wife!" Considering what used to come out of my mouth (think sailor) I do a pretty good job, most of the time.

4. Please do not expect me to be perfect. I am not and neither are my kids. Perfection is not attainable or attractive. I won't expect it from you either. Let's be okay with being hot messes who need Jesus! Instead of finding all the things wrong with my family, please lift us up in prayer, we definitely need it :) 

5. Please do not expect me to be a good cook and bring the best dish to all the church potlucks. I haven't really gotten the hang of the whole cooking thing but I am an expert in eating and I am a great kisser!

6.  Please do not corner my husband, for long periods of time, when he is out with the family. He does not make the same money as rock stars and does not sign autographs, so therefore please make an appointment or wait to see him at church to discuss why the music was too loud or whose kid that was chugging the grape juice communion. (Again our youngest) Our family time is very precious!

7.  Please do not expect my husband to always pray for the food. He does not have special food blessing powers and sometimes while we wait for him it gets cold. All of us are capable of thanking God for the meal. Plus sometimes those pastor prayers are awful wordy and the fried chicken smells soooo good!

8. Please remember that Pastor Wives are just people too, not Superwomen. The red cape only exists in the movies. We can't be everything to everyone. We have feelings. It's amazing what people say, even with a smile on their face  which can come off quite hurtful. Sometimes I feel pastors' wives have to build a brick fortress around ourselves so people can't get to us or put on a Teflon suit so we can just let things roll off our backs. You ask why many of us are guarded, well sheep bite. Hard. Sometimes it's out of sheer protection. 

9. Please do not say, "Oh I wish my husband was a pastor..it's so cute and their schedule is flexible!" (Actual words said to me) Let me break it down for you. He works every holiday. He sometimes is available 24 hours a day. He never just shuts off his job, because he cares deeply about you. His pay will never reflect the amount of work he does. We can't go to a store without him being stopped at least three to five times. Our family is constantly under attack spiritually and personally. Everything that comes out of his mouth is judged by someone, just read the comment cards dropped in the offering. Cute? Although he is cute, that word describes a bunny or small child not a man who would give everything so that one person would come to know Jesus. Still want to sign up?

10. Finally, please do not hold it against him when I make you mad, say inappropriate things, or don't act a certain way that you expect me to. Although he leads our family and will call me out when I go too far, I am a grown adult. I make mistakes. I will fail. I will not meet all your expectations. But that's what's so amazing about grace! I NEED GRACE by the bag full.

10 Things I Have Done but Maybe Shouldn't Have!

Although this list is not exhaustive...I have chosen to leave quite a bit out. My friends from high school and college probably have many more to add, but remember I have much dirt on you guys too :)

1. I wore a new outfit every day for a month in high school and never wore jeans! Plus it took my almost two hours to curl each piece of my hair, everyday! Now I can get ready in 10 minutes, wear the same jeans until they are so dirty they walk themselves to the laundry, and have half the closet I used to.

2. Did a roll in a T-37 plane using what seemed to me just a joystick, during Officer Training, even though I hate to fly! The captain took his hands off his controls until I didn't roll us fast enough. Oops! Then he wanted to make me puke so he basically turned off the engine and pretended to spiral down. I didn't throw up but I almost peed my pants.

3. Tried to jump a wrought iron fence in Rocky Point and ended up getting my shorts caught on the spikes. I hung from my pocket (because I couldn't reach the ground to lift them off and they were not ripping very fast) until a Mexican Federali came by, laughed at me until he was in tears, hit me on the head with his club, and then pulled me off. Not a high point for sure! Did I tell you in my last blog that I had no idea what hotel we were staying at, I didn't speak Spanish, and my friends had left me?

4. I saluted a general with my left hand, at OTS, in front of 300 other people. If I could have dug through the cement with my teeth at that moment I would have. For those of you not familiar with military protocol. You salute with your right hand, so it was like I pulled down my pants and mooned the general.

5. I joined the Ski Club up at NAU. I was a member for five years and never once went skiing! But I did ride down the switchbacks of Sedona using a borrowed rent-a-bike with them. I almost died going 30 mph with brakes that were iffy and wheels that were not stable.

6. I have dyed my hair so many wrong colors. To name a few; Cyndi Lauper-orange, pumpkin spice, ash that turned green, Madonna-white blond, multi-colored that looked like I was a spotted leopard. This one happened because I let two girls give me highlights in the kitchen with a turkey baster and brush!

7. Joined the Water Polo Team at NAU. Yes, I was a collegiate athlete for....oh one month. I had to quit because I could't see without my glasses and they kept getting in the way when I was fighting for the ball in the water. Plus, the spots on them kept me from seeing where the ball actually was. (Yes, I wore my glasses in the pool while I was playing) HYSTERICAL

8. Stole or borrowed my sister's brand new car and didn't bring it home for 24 hours. She and my mom were waiting on the front lawn when I pulled in. Did I mention she stole my boyfriend in 6th grade in my last blog?

9. Pretended I was from Sweden and didn't speak a lot of English so these guys would buy my friends and me free drinks the whole night. I think this was when my hair was in a really white blond stage :) I kept thinking I sounded like the guy from the Muppets, the Swedish Chef with the meatballs???

10. I ran into the house of a stranger, on Thanksgiving night, thinking it was my friend's house. I had to go to the bathroom and wasn't paying attention. When I opened the door the entire family was just sitting there looking up at me. I said, "Oops I think I have the wrong house. Sorry!" and ran out. I then noticed I was actually a street a way.

What Did I Just Do?

Okay so after I posted my first blog I kind of freaked out! What the heck did I just do? A blog is basically a public viewing of your diary. I remember being taught to always put your diary under lock and key so no one will know your thoughts. So why on earth would I do a blog? It's like trying on that bikini you know wont fit in front of an entire gym of people or writing a private email you don't want anyone to see but accidentally pressing send to the inbox of a newspaper or trying out for American Idol in front of millions of people knowing you can't sing. (Wait a minute a lot of delusional people do that all the time) My grammar might be wrong. I might misspell words. I know I will offend someone or everyone at one point or another.

My reasons for subjecting myself and others to this besides temporary insanity and avoiding my taxes are maybe today I will make you laugh or encourage  you in some way. Maybe an experience I have gone through will speak to your heart. Maybe you can look at my life and feel better that yours isn't as screwed up as you think. Maybe you will see that we are all on this journey called life so why not share more. Maybe you will see the incredible works God has done in my life and search for Him in yours. Maybe you just need something to make fun of at your next office party. Or maybe you are family or close friends who I have threatened bodily harm if you don't follow my blog. Whatever the reasons keep your expectations low and maybe it will all come out in the end or in the laundry or is it the wash????

Day by Day
Kimberley

Seriously?? @#$

Seriously is my favorite word. It stands for so much and so little all at the same time. Depending on what context is used, what tone, what facial expression it could mean; Seriously :) as in, "No Way" or Seriously? as in "You gotta be kidding me, or SERIOUSLY! as in " What the Crap"? I use it often. I use it inappropriately. I use it for everything.

People keep asking me what my blog is going to be about. My answer? Seriously!? It will be about so much and it will be about so little. MY blog will be about MY opinions that come from MY experiences, pain, joy, delusions, and crazy life. They are not my husbands, my kids, my family, my friends so please don't hold it against them. Don't go up to my husband complaining about something I might write. It is not his fault that I think I have a lot to say and my thoughts are based out of extreme dysfunction. If I offend you, I am saying SORRY right now! I stand behind most of what I blog depending on what time it is...anything written after 11 PM is iffy. I could be delirious and should not be held accountable for writing while sleep deprived!!

Please feel free to comment but I ask that you do not use bad language, attack my family, or use run on sentences. I will be forced to use my powers of deletion. But really, let's face it you clicked on here. If you don't like something you don't have to click again!

Just getting my random thoughts down :0

KLEE