TOXIC people

def. toxic- 1) extremely harsh, malicious, or harmful 2) exhibiting symptoms of infection 3) poisonous material especially when capable of causing death or serious debilitation.

Synonyms: harmful, unhealthy, venomous, deadly, lethal

Most of us see a skull and crossbones on a bottle or a can and we stay clear or at least handle it with the utmost caution. We acknowledge that the contents could be harmful if not deadly. One small bit of the chemical botox on your skin can kill you within minutes. Other substances like nicotine can take years to kill you slowly and painfully. 

We have warning labels on almost everything from Christmas trees to flammable pajamas to household cleaners. Why don't people come with some kind of warnings: toxic ...do not engage in any kind of relationship with this person. May cause irreversible damage, drag your emotions through the mud, stomp your heart to smithereens, and may infect your brain causing insanity.

Most of us have at least one relationship that we can relate this to. Maybe it was a boy/girlfriend, spouse, family member, boss or coworker, or a person we were close to. Some of us did not heed the warning labels or ignored the signs of danger all together! We chose not to listen or wanted to take the risks no matter the cost. We chose to constantly put ourselves in peril.

Since people don't have skulls and crossbones tattooed (mostly) on their foreheads, how are we to navigate in relationships? What are we to do? Be fearful? Run scared? Stay away?

Relationships can be intimidating but it doesn't mean you shouldn't engage. We are designed to live in community with each other. We are created to share our burdens, rejoice and mourn together, and most of all to love, everyone! People are messy, broken, and yes sometimes toxic. And since they don't come with instructions, handle with care, take caution, read the warning signs, and if you are having trouble understanding the labels get help. Ask people who are not scared to be honest with you. 

"If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him." James 1:5 

Facebook and Bikinis

I enjoy Facebook. It is cool to find friends that I haven’t seen in 30 years and family that live across the country. I like to keep in touch with people that I can’t get together with on a regular basis. It is fun to watch the kids grow up, babies being born, weddings, and other milestones in people's lives.

But like with anything, it is important to keep this in perspective. Facebook gives a snapshot but it doesn't give you the story behind the pictures or the true meaning behind the posts. At its best it is very surface level…it’s like a bikini. Bikinis reveal a lot but it’s what they hide or cover up that’s important.

In a recent report, it said that people are getting more and more depressed by going onto Facebook. We are constantly comparing our lives to what we see online and we feel we are falling short. Discontent settles in, fear of missing out, wanting what other people have, and thinking everybody else has much more interesting lives than us.

It stinks when you haven’t gone a vacation in years and there are pictures of all these cool places posted. It’s hard to see your friend on the beach in Mexico when you are sitting at your desk in the office. It’s easy to envy the woman who runs marathons, cooks incredible meals, and homeschools her kids all before noon! Click on the celebrities’ pages and you have the all the seemingly glamorous and unobtainable stuff we desire.

But in reality, we have no idea what is really going on. We don’t have a clue if that mom is trying to keep it all together by being busy because her marriage is falling apart. We don’t know if that trip to Mexico put your friend one more step towards bankruptcy. How many celebrities do you know who are really happy even with all that money?

So while I enjoy my Facebook I constantly stand guard to make sure I don’t fall into the comparison trap. “In all this comparing and grading and competing, they quite miss the point.” (2 Corinthians 10:12b Msg) What’s the point? Being thankful and content. Giving God the glory for everything in your life.

“I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.” Philippians 4:11-13

Having An Affair?

When I talk about my husband, Bryan I usually gush. My eyes light up, and sometimes even fill with tears. I become very animated and excited to tell others about how awesome he is to me. I really like being introduced as his wife because I am so proud of who he is not because of his job or looks but because of how he treats others. When he walks into a room I still get butterflies in my stomach, take a deep breath and thank God he is mine! I know people get tired of hearing about him but I can't help be passionate about someone I love so much!!! 

I wonder if my relationship with God is like that? Do I gush about God? Do I get excited and enthusiastic to tell everyone about how God picked me up from the depths of despair and gave me a new life? Do I share how His love goes so deep and so wide that he sacrificed his son on the cross? Am I proud to be called the daughter of The King and show him this by how I live my life? Am I as exuberant about my relationship with Jesus as I am about the new shoes or purse I just bought? Or the marathon I am training for? Or the job I do to become more successful? Or the new kitchen that was just installed in my house? Or maybe even my children? I am by no means saying any of these things are bad but are they taking the place in my heart where Jesus should be? 

One pastor put it this way, "If you were cheating on your spouse, having an affair, you probably are not very passionate when describing them. Obviously something is wrong in the marriage relationship. So look at your relationship with Jesus. If you are not passionate and excited about Him what are you having an affair with that is keeping you from this?" WHOA!

"God, I don't want to be having an "affair" with anything that stands in the way of my relationship with you. Forgive me for filling up my heart with other things or people before you. I want my passion for you to shine through my actions and words. Give me a consuming fire to share who you are and what you have done for me with everyone you put in my path." 

Bryan loves me well but God loves me perfectly!

"My tongue will proclaim your righteousness, your praises all day long." Psalm 35:28

All the Single Ladies: The Break up

How do you know when it is really over? Kaput? Finished? Finito? Final? Done with? Broken off? Shut Down? Party over?

     This is often the painful part. The time when a relationship comes to an end and we have to say goodbye to someone we liked, loved, was crazy for, or maybe even kind of hated. We say good bye to what might have been and the memories shared. While it can be very devastating, it is also the time when we as ladies somehow go from highly intelligent human beings able to process information in large amounts to stubborn, don't get it, can't wrap our brains around the words he is saying. This may lead us into the murky waters of complete and utter denial. We sit around with our friends OBSESSING over what happened? Why? How didn't I see this coming? We pick a part EVERY little detail about the break up until we have ourselves in such an emotional tizzy we justify everything or we go on the attack to get the "REAL" reason why he ended it.
      After countless talks with many males, some who are really nice guys and some who are pond scum, I have found out a few awful, hard to digest truths, that we ladies just don't want to really believe. If you want to continue living in denial please read no further...it gets ugly.

1. When guys finally have the break up talk with you..they lie about half the stuff they are saying. Most of them are trying to be nice guys and not hurt your feelings so they skirt around the truth if not downright lie. "It's me not you"... no it is really you. "I just have a lot going on right now"....really? "I don't think God wants me in a relationship." Ever? Bottom line, the lame excuses are covering up that they just don't want to date you anymore and don't know how to say it. We girls say we want honesty but in reality a guy telling us we are bad kissers, we chew with our mouths open, or they aren't feeling it doesn't come off well.
2. It was not "all of a sudden" or "out of the blue". They have been checking off boxes in their heads about things that didn't set well with them for a while. When they finally break up it has probably been weeks if not months of thinking about it before they got the courage to officially break it off.
3. When guys break up with you they are DONE. Rarely do they mope around, listen to old songs, Facebook stalk you, or drive by your house. They are really done. I asked my husband, who I consider a stand up kind of guy, how he felt after he dated a girl for almost two years and then broke up with her. "Honey were you just done? Did you ever go by her house or think of her when a special song came on? Or miss her?" His answer, "No not really. I was done." So I pushed him, "What do you mean by done? Didn't you still have memories that you shared that came up? That made you go hmmm? or special places you went that would remind you of her?" Again, he says, "No not really. I rarely thought about her after we broke up. She made it worse by being clingy and hanging on so long afterwards. I do miss her mom's tacos though!"
4. Many times they already have someone else in mind. Yes..gulp this one is tough to hear. Since they have been kind of breaking up with you for months in their head...they probably have been kind of scoping out other prospects too. We are often shocked at how fast they get another girlfriend after the "break up" and like to blame it on the other girl... but really? She didn't make the commitment to you. 
5. They get over us easy because they find something to do. Like I said previously guys aren't big mopers. They don't curl up on the couch in a fuzzy pink robe, eat a gallon of ice cream, and watch sappy love movies with their friends. They certainly don't go through their ipod playlist listening to all "our" songs while going through the scrapbook of all your favorite times together. They go play sports, workout, wrestle each other, go splunking, play kill..kill..kill...video games for twelve hours, or other cool guy stuff that seems ridiculous to females.
6. Unless you cheated on them they usually don't hold grudges. Unlike us girls, who can hold grudges for YEARS, guys normally are totally fine being friends a few weeks later. They are baffled that we still glare or tear up when we see them, want to key their car, or spend nights with voodoo dolls and pins cursing their name. "They think hey it's water under the bridge I didn't even tell her the real reason I broke up with her. Who knows why she is so mad?"....again point 1.

I know this stuff is somewhat depressing and completely not fair. But no matter what ladies, I remind you desperate is not attractive especially in a break-up. Keep your composure, your dignity, and know that there is some one better just around the corner!

Signs He Might Not Be That Into You...

Ladies there are often "signs" of when things are starting to turn sour.  Red flags begin popping up. We have a choice whether to ignore them, even if they are waving them right in front of our faces and be "shocked" when they suddenly break up with us or we can acknowledge the signs and deal with them head on. 



Red Flags...

1. He takes longer and longer to call or text you back. When you first start dating responses are almost immediate. Now the lag time might be getting a bit too long. Before you rip into him make sure it is reasonable. If he works at Raytheon where they are not allowed to bring in their phones don't expect him to call back during work hours. That would be silly. But if he is at home watching TV and it takes him hours or even days to return a call or text...not good.

2. He starts asking you to "meet" him somewhere instead of coming to pick you up. Rarely is it okay for your boyfriend to not come and pick you up. You are his girl which he should feel honored to take care of you and pick you up in his coach...oh I mean car. If he offers lame excuses on a regular basis like you live so far, not enough gas, it will save time.....no bueno.

3. He starts talking about how tired he is all the time. He cuts out on dates early or doesn't want to go places because he is so tired. When a guy is interested.. sleep gets put on the back burner. I have always told guys,  "You will know you are in love when you find a girl you are willing to give up sleep for."  This new exhaustion could be a sign or you can just try to give him lots of vitamins in hope he snaps out of it.

4. When his phone becomes extremely "private". If he starts acting shady with his phone or paranoid that you are looking or touching it...red flag!! Now I am all for privacy. I didn't normally just pick up Bryan's phone and go through it...this could seem desperate and untrustworthy. BUT if I did have it in my hands, Bryan never freaked out because he had nothing to hide. 

5. He starts avoiding your family. If he used to like hanging out with your family and now he doesn't there could be a problem. Unless you have a lot of family drama. Then it is natural to want to steer clear of crazyville. But remember it is hard to look a dad in the eye or have a mom be nice to you when you are about to break up with their daughter.

6. Friends see him with another girl. This seems obvious but you would be surprised how many times girlfriends let this go. If he is constantly hanging out with another girl this is a big red flag no matter what EXCUSES he comes up with. Don't buy the "we are just friends" unless they have known each other since kindergarten, she is a cousin, or she has a wart on her nose with hairs growing out of it that makes her completely unattractive. 

7. He stops wanting to kiss you good night. Have I mentioned that guys are physical creatures? They love to kiss. So if they all of sudden stop you are either A) a bad kisser B) have bad breath C) they are kissing someone else or d) they are pulling away because they are going to break up with you.
CAVEAT:Some guys, think pond scum, will totally make out with you even if he is planning on breaking up with you that night. True. So gross.

8. He changes his Facebook status! If all of a sudden he changes from being in a relationship to its complicated or single there is a problem. Also look to see if he is slowly taking down pictures of the two of you. It could be gradual, so slight you might not notice or he might say, "I just don't want anyone knowing our business!" Really isn't that the whole point of Facebook??? 

NEXT UP: THE BREAK... UP SOME UGLY TRUTHS