Paper Thin

God, I know you are faithful even when my faith seems so fragile, so paper thin. You are bigger than my doubts. You calms my fears. You have a plan. Even when I don't understand or question everything. You love is unfailing, your grace is never ending, your justice will prevail. You are on my side, who can stand against me? Who I am does not come from people, work, my family, this world. My identity comes from the cross. When the storms come, my foundation in you will keep me from being uprooted. May your glory shine through me today..no matter how I am feeling, especially when I am paper thin, because I claim you as my Lord. 

"Righteousness and justice are the foundation of your throne;
love and faithfulness go before you. Blessed are those who have learned to acclaim you, who walk in the light of your presence, LORD." Psalms 89:14-15

Special Kids..No Amazing Gifts!

       Many of you know I am a special education teacher. I often struggle with the term "special education" but have yet to find a great alternative. I also have had a hard time with people saying things like, "Oh, I could never do that job" or "It takes a special person to be that kind of teacher" or "You must have wanted to do this your whole life, why else would you offer to teach those students?" Most of the time, I paste a smile on my face and try to talk myself out of getting angry at these kinds of comments because in reality it is their ignorance talking.
      Actually I really should be called the "teacher who gets blessed every day" by these amazing children. I should be seen as the" lucky teacher" who gets to see the world from the perspective of the innocent.  Most people have no idea what a GIFT it is to be around children who have disabilities because they are more concerned about all the things these children don't have more than all the reasons they are placed into our lives. They probably haven't experienced what it is like when a boy with autism looks you straight in the eye and smiles at you or when a girl with Down syndrome goes on a slide for the first time because her neck is okay. Maybe they haven't seen the joy in the face of  student with reading issues finish their first book or an emotionally disabled student make honor roll. Maybe they have taken for granted the ability to speak, hear, or see so they don't even notice all the wonderful things around them that these kids can help point out to us. Maybe they have never sacrificed for another person who is unable to give back in the "usual" ways. 
      My students help me to remember to slow down and enjoy the journey. They show me the beauty in the world that most of us let pass by. They give love in its truest form because they are so sincere. They are not impressed by my degrees, finances, social status or looks. They just want me to show up, be consistent, and accept them for where they are at. Do I have hard days? Yes, just like at any job. Sometimes a cookie that falls on the floor will set our whole day into a tailspin. But, once we work through it we are a little bit closer in understanding each other. 
       One sibling of a child with Down syndrome said it perfectly, "My brother was born to teach the rest of us how to love!" Yep, this kid hit the nail on the head. God works through these children. They are gifts that He blesses us with. I couldn't imagine how myopic my life view would be without them. That's why I am a teacher for some pretty amazing kids!

The Cost

    Over the past sixteen years as we have mentored high school and college students, inevitably the subject of drinking comes up. With high school students it is a little easier to say, "You are under age it's illegal..you can be arrested. The cost is too high", but obviously with students over 21 it becomes a bit messier. They always want to whip out the verse where it says it isn't bad to drink just not to get drunk. So as long as we drink responsibly everything is okay. Right? Well yes and ...no.
     A few caveats: This is not a theological debate over alcohol. This comes from my past, my experiences, and my opinions. I do not think all drinking is bad nor will I judge an adult who is having a drink. With that said, I have RARELY seen anybody handle alcohol with the care and diligence it requires. Unfortunately, too many times alcohol has claimed many lives, many families, many careers, and many relationships. 
   What has alcohol cost me? It has cost me my family. My dad has been an alcoholic all my life. It cost my parents their marriage, their happiness, their past, their present, and their future. It cost me having a father I could look up to, trust in, count on, or respect. It cost me the security of knowing if my dad was coming home that day, if he was even alive, or if he spent all the paycheck so we couldn't pay the bills. It cost me my pride when my friends found him passed out on the beach with a bottle of Wild Turkey in his hands. Or when he came home drunk on my 8th birthday while I was having a sleepover and didn't even remember the day I was born. He wasn't there when I was hospitalized for spinal meningitis, graduated from officer training school or the day I found out my best friend had died. He didn't stand up for me when my boyfriend hit me or my mother verbally abused me. He did not protect me. His drinking was more important than his children.
   Alcohol cost me my best friend. She was in a fatal car accident when she was 20. The person driving was under the influence.  Was this enough to stop the cycle of drinking? The loss of Carri at such a young age? No, I made plenty of my own mistakes.
     Alcohol cost me my self-respect. There were so many things I did when I was drinking that I would never have done sober. Yes drinking can give you a false sense of courage to try new things. It gave me the courage to talk to that gorgeous guy but it didn't give me the discernment that he was a jerk and would hurt me. It gave me the courage to have fun on the dance floor but not the wisdom to figure out a safe way to get home. 
     I have many funny stories based around my drinking days but if I dig a little deeper, peel back the experiences, the truths become a little clearer. I see a girl hiding behind the fun alcohol gives to bury the hurt, the pain, the bad circumstances, and put herself into horrible unsafe situations where she missed by a hair, consequences that could have been devastating or life changing. 
    I quit drinking when I became a Christian not because I wanted to be good, not because I married a pastor, not because of legalism, or a set of moral rules. I quit drinking because the cost was too high. My love for God is deeper than my desire for an ice cold beer. My commitment to a healthy marriage is stronger than having a margarita with my girlfriend. My consistency in role modeling for my children and college students is more important than a glass of wine.
    Yes, I know in the Bible, it says you can drink just don't get drunk. I am not saying people who drink are wrong. I have heard many people say I can handle it. I ask the question, "You might now but what if the circumstances change? Are you a 100% sure you can handle it then? What happens if the next time you are out with your girlfriends having a few drinks a gorgeous guy approaches? This time you don't look away, this time you don't say no because for the past few months your marriage has been rocky. What happens when life becomes so stressful that you rely on a drink every night to relax until you can't go to sleep without one? What happens when we can "handle" alcohol but our children grow up seeing us drink and they are the ones who can't help but abuse it?
    I am just asking is it worth it? Or will the cost be too high?

What's In A Name?

Names are powerful..think of Oprah, Nike, Ghandi, or Prince. You know who they are without hearing a last name. You kind of already know what they are about, what they stand for because usually people with one name have a loud and clear message. 

I know a name that is more powerful than anything. His name moves mountains. The enemy has to leave when His name is spoken! Darkness trembles at His name. Nations will bow down before him! He is the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end, He is our Savior, Our Hope, Our Healer, Our All In All, Our Deliver, He is the King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Prince of Peace. He is the light of the world! His name is so sacred some don't even speak it. Being nailed on a cross could not stop Him. The grave could not hold Him. He is the great I AM! His name is Jesus, precious Jesus.

Nike has a million dollar marketing budget. Oprah has a TV show seen worldwide. What does Jesus have? Who represents Him and His name? Who is responsible for making sure His message is loud and clear? You are! We are! The very ones who claim His name and call themselves Christians.

Why then, as Christians, have we let the most powerful name lose so much meaning? We wear crosses around our necks, put stickers on our cars, wear bracelets and t-shirts with sayings on them....and yet we have missed the point. We have misrepresented what being a follower of Jesus really means by pouring all our money, time and resources into the quest of worldly things while people are dying from starvation. We have taken what He stands for and twisted it into something ugly. Jesus would never picket with signs that were filled with hatred! We have watered down His message by the way we live our lives filled with mediocrity, unforgiveness, and selfishness. Not a vibrant, abundant, and eternal life! Why have we shown the world that we really don't search after, long for, or even truly believe in HIS name because of the way we act or treat others?

What's In a Name? Everything! 

"But these are written that you may believe that Jesus is the Messiah, the Son of God, and that by believing you may have life in his name." John 20:31

All the Single Ladies: No Short-Cuts

      If you were going to train for a tri-athalon you would probably have a pretty intense workout schedule to follow. Conditioning, running, swimming, biking, and resting would all be incorporated into the plan. You couldn't cut corners or slack off in one area otherwise your performance might suffer. Your race would be subpar because you didn't have the stamina to finish well because of the short cuts you took. How about if you were going into surgery and you knew your doctor wanted to take short cuts. Maybe he wanted to save money so he wasn't going to use the best tools or he wasn't prepared because he was really busy that week or he was very tired and was trying to hurry so he could get to dinner so he cut corners in stitching you up. What if your child's teacher wanted to take short cuts with their learning?
     If we don't want to take short cuts in most areas in our lives why do we think it's okay to take them in relationships? We start dating and instead of taking our time to get to know each other we rush into "love". We don't do the training, deal with our issues, listen to wisdom, have accountability, rest in God, and prepare for marriage. We start taking short cuts. "No, we don't need to date more than six months we are in LOVE. It's okay to be sexually active because we are going to marry eventually. We don't need to work on our issues we will do it together after we get married. We don't need counseling we know each other inside and out. What would they tell us anyway?"
      So many times we see couples not doing the pre-work in their relationships. They take short cuts around the hard stuff. They skip over the obedience to God's will and his idea for what a Godly couple should look like. They want to do everything their way without any accountability  They put more planning into the weeding day then they do for planning for a lifetime of marriage.
    Two months, six months, one year, 5 years, 7, 10 years into the marriage, they look around and say, "What happened? Why are we so unhappy? What went wrong? This is not what I expected!"
     Right....but did you do the work before hand? Did you actually prepare for God's idea of marriage? Did you deal with problems as they came up or push off until after the wedding? Did you figure out how to communicate without using your body? Did you try to figure out what you needed to do to become the wife or husband God wants you to? How many short cuts did you take? It is not a dash to the finish line...it's a choice to not take short cuts, do the work, keep going, and finish well.

"The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge, 

but fools despise wisdom and instruction." Proverbs 1:7

Fight Fair!

Bryan and I were asked to speak at a marriage conference on conflict resolution. (Of course what happens when we say yes? We immediately get into a huge argument. I guess practicing what we are talking about is important research:) 

We are by far not marriage experts and don't have counseling degrees, but we DO have A LOT of experience. I have mentioned before that I am a fighter...so I had to make sure Bryan knew this area inside and out. It would make him a better pastor right? (See honey, all that arguing in the beginning had a point...to help others :)

During our "research" we came up with four things we try not to do in the heat of a fight, when anger is high and maybe we, I mean I, am seeing red. 

        1) Don't dump truck- this is when you get off track from what is really bothering you and you just dump everything out. You start piling up all the garbage that has angered, bothered, irritated, or hurt you and you dump it. It is hard enough to deal with one problem much less try to sift through a bunch of issues. Try to keep focused on the bottom line, in that moment. Save the other stuff for later. It will get overwhelming real fast if you throw out too much at one time...many give up before they even start.

        2) No Name Calling/Bad language- the minute you lose control over your tongue and start calling each other names or using bad words, everybody loses! Remember this is your spouse, the one who you committed to loving for the rest of your life. Name calling and ugly language tears away the very foundation of love and leaves deep scars that are not easily repaired. Think of a crisp, white piece of paper. If you rip or crinkle it and then try to smooth it out does it go back to how it looked in the beginning? No, that piece of paper is never the same. 

        3) Don't EVER, EVER, EVER Threaten- You are not in the mafia! Never say something you are not ready to back up. This will eventually backfire. If you say it enough times the other person might just take you up on it even when you didn't really mean it.  Especially the "divorce" word. Throwing this word around in a fight opens the door for the enemy to walk right in, cast doubts, stir up trouble, and cause discord. 

        4) Don't Share- When you are mad or upset at your spouse be very careful who you vent to. Try to go to God or a mentor for wise counsel. Using your family or friends is really not a good option. They shouldn't be put in the middle and it might be hard for them to move on after a problem is resolved. Sometimes they actually might be the problem by constantly bringing up the old stuff or helping you justify your behavior.

On the flip side, how do we resolve conflict? Fight fair! (Is that an oxymoron?) Well, this has taken quite a bit of practice, self-control and a whole lot of God's help.

1) Forgive often, and then forgive some more- forgiveness is key to a happy marriage. We are all broken, broken people. When you put two broken people together of course there are going to be  problems! Our own selfishness, desires, wills, issues, and sin will rear their ugly heads and cause us to hurt each other. It is so important to offer grace even when they don't deserve it. This does not mean you don't hold each other accountable. It means you let go of things that weigh down your relationship.

2) Keep short accounts- marriage is not about trying to balance out the scales. It is not 50/50. Sometimes it could be 80/20 or even 99/1.  The list you are making in your head about all the things the other person has not done right and all the things you do ..needs to be thrown out. IMMEDIATELY! Your column might have more check marks but where is right going to get you? Proving to someone how much better you are then them just doesn't turn out well.

3) Listen to hear what the other person is saying- Often in an argument we are not really listening. We are forming our own attack or defense. Stop and LISTEN! Then repeat back what you heard.  "So what I heard you say is.." If you are doing the talking make sure you ask, "What did you hear me say?" What you think you communicated could be totally different from what they heard. 

4) Ask for help- don't wait until it is too late when the damage is done. Pick up the phone and call a counselor, have a conversation with a pastor, do a Bible study together, and most of all PRAY, PRAY, PRAY. Pray for God to change your heart, pray for God to hold your tongue, pray for God to protect your marriage, pray for God to help you see your spouse the way He sees them. 

How often do I fail at many of the above? Frequently! But I don't give up. I fight for my marriage. And with God's help, over the last 20 years, it has gotten better. Thank God :)

"Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires." James 1:19-20

        

Scars

I was looking down at my body and couldn't help but notice all the scars I had. I have one on my face from when I had the chicken pox as a baby. There is one on my lip from a really hot macaroni noodle during my poor days in college. I have a big one on my knee from trying to jump over a fence in Rocky Point and failing. On my hand there is still lead in it from a guy stabbing me with a pencil in the 5th grade. All these scars have stories behind them, memories of some kind of physical pain. 
     
This got me to thinking about all the scars you CAN'T see. The ones on my heart, the scars that have defined who I am, shaped my beliefs, stopped my dreams, or heightened my fears. They often were barriers to me finding joy by shutting out hope or doubting true love. These scars are deeper than the other ones, earned through intense emotional and sometimes physical pain. They do not heal easily and can cause issues for years. Sometimes they have festered with bitterness, unforgiveness, and anger. Sometimes I thought they were healed and am horribly surprised when they suddenly split open and bleed all over again. Band-Aids can't heal them, medicines or other fillers dull them temporarily, but inevitably the pain comes back, maybe even stronger than before.

When I accepted Jesus as my personal Lord and Savior one of the first things He did was confront the scars. 
"Kimberley, this heart belongs to me now...this is where the healing begins." Some scars He sealed with His grace and mercy. Others He completely replaced with His unfailing love and forgiveness. But quite a few, He painfully pulled off the scab and let the yuck flow out. This ALWAYS was extremely intense and I did not let go easily. 

He made me deal with my past, walk through the pain, and journey through the years of running and hiding from Him. He shined light into the darkest recess of my wounded heart which, out of self-preservation, I had locked up long ago. 

When I questioned His motives or cried out to Him in fear, He assured me not one of my tears was wasted, not one scar had gone unnoticed by Him. When I felt all alone or only saw "one set of footprints" He told me He was carrying me the whole time because the burdens were too heavy. Whenever I thought He really just didn't understand how hard these things are to deal with, how deep my pain goes, how I just can't open this one back up because the last time, I almost didn't make it.....

He puts out His hands and showed me His scars, the ones He received from the nails that pierced Him to the cross, for me. "Kimberley, I would never ask you to do something that I have not already experienced."

"But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed." Isaiah 53:5

“He himself bore our sins” in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; “by his wounds you have been healed.” 1 Peter 2:24