A Hole In My Heart

This has been a season of many goodbyes. Each family, every person left footprints on our lives. They were all part of our journey, in some way, big and small. We have watched many of them grow up, get married, have babies, say yes to Jesus, go on mission trips to far away countries, take jobs in different cities, and go separate ways. 

Each goodbye is hard. Really hard. When I see their posts on Facebook it makes it real that we are not going to be living life together anymore. When we pray over them I struggle with tears thinking about how much we will miss them. When I see my kids crying or asking if "they" are ever coming back again, I sometimes ask myself if loving people so much is worth it. 

In a few weeks, two guys who are dear to my heart, have both opened new chapters in their lives. This means they are leaving. More goodbyes. While I am so excited about their new adventures and support them following the path God has them on, my heart grieves! I will miss them! They have both made such a huge impact on me, my kids, our community, and our church. We have shared so many life experiences, highs and lows, and celebrated a lot of milestones together. They are more than friends they are FAMILY! The spirit bonds us in a way like no other, knitted together by a higher power!  

I have constantly taught that community matters! Even when it hurts. Even when it's hard. Even when you feel the loss deeply. When someone leaves they should LEAVE A HOLE IN YOUR HEART. A hole in your schedule, in your life, and in your church. It means they were loved, they were engaged, and they served. The hole represents time that was spent building relationships that went beyond the superficial, deeper than the surface. The hole represents the memories of laughter, tears, heartaches, growing pains, mistakes, successes, frustrations, joys, Monday night dinners, and everything in between!   

As I am bawling my eyes out writing this, God promises to fill that hole with His love and He reminds me that most importantly, we are a community of believers that have a common purpose. It's bigger than me, them, all of us. We were united together to bring the hope of Jesus to the heart of the city! Committed to love God and loving others. So the answer to my question, "Is it worth it to love so much?" YES, OH YES! I wouldn’t trade it for the world or for not feeling the pain or shedding the tears! I am a better person for knowing all of YOU!! I am blessed and honored to have walked with each of you, some just a few steps and some years of being messy together!

#communitymatters

#Teeds #Gomez #Harrisons #Livingoods #Kims #Ricky #Trey #Josh #Steyearts #Lauren #Boices #Austin #Baldridges #Banks #Phillips #Johnsons #Clarks #Pinkletons #Prices #Elizabeth #Megan #Jordan #Levi

"They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer.Everyone was filled with awe at the many wonders and signs performed by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common. They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved." Act 2:42-47

Tears at 11!

My youngest son came home from youth group with tears in his eyes. "Mom, I don't have a story with Jesus." I quickly replied, "Lawson, you are only 11. It's a journey. You have your whole life ahead of you." I realized right away that this fast response was not enough to make him feel better. He didn't understand how he was supposed to talk to people about Jesus if he didn't have "a story".

I knew that his sensitive little heart needed more. He needed help to walk out this relationship. I wrote his name at the top of a paper and said, "Let's start at the beginning. How do you think God worked in your life from the start?"

"He let me be born?"  Yes, he knew you were exactly what we needed to complete our family. He made you a fighter from day one and helped you overcome some pretty big medical issues.

What else in your life are you thankful for? "He gave me a family."

Although we are not perfect and somewhat of a mess at times, we love and support each other. That is part of your story. One of God's greatest gifts to you.

What else is something that God gave you in your life? "Friends. Other people who love me."

I made him start listing off all the people who care about him, who take him places, ask how he is doing, pray for him, and invest in his life. The list was LONG!! So blessedly long. As he kept naming off names, we both got tears in our eyes.  "Lawson, how many other little kids do you know that have that many people to love them?"

Can you see a theme in your life? 

He replied, "LOVE"

I drew a big heart in the middle and said that is your "story" with God. He loved you so much he let you be born in into a family who loves you dearly, surrounded by soooo many friends who care about you a lot, and most of all he loved you so much he gave you his son on the cross. Look at all he has done in these short 11 years!

My son stared at me through his glasses and blinked a few times. He remained quiet but the tears kept flowing. "Honey what's wrong? Why are you still crying" (because of course I was feeling pretty good about myself right now with that picture I just made)

"Mom, talking about all these people made me miss my friends who leave or who have moved away. I am sad because I love them."

Really? You are only 11! (I am tapped out with the last question!)

"Lawson, The price of love is sometimes tears and sadness but love is always worth the cost! Would you rather have never met them? Could you imagine life without them? When you share your heart with others, when you talk about your story with Jesus, I hope you are filled with an OVERWHELMING sense of being LOVED WELL!"

My son smiled at me and with a weight seemingly lifted off his shoulders, he said, "Whew, I don't know why I was so emotional. Don't tell Landen (his older brother)."

As he scurried off to bed, I silently prayed, "God, thank you for giving me those words to calm my son's anxious heart. I will be forever grateful that you have put so many people around to love him. I am glad he came home from youth group bothered rather than apathetic!"

"You are loved more than you will ever know by someone who died to know you."Romans 5:8

Jen and Matt's Story

I want to give you a little background on Jen and Matt's story. Why the two of them standing up here getting married today is a huge blessing and a journey that has an overall theme of TRUST.  Their story is not flashy or dramatic. It wasn’t love at first sight and it didn't happen overnight. But is one filled with hope and awe of how God works in the lives of people who trust him.

Jen and Matt became friends 4 years ago at a Bible study. A few weeks later, Jen came to Bryan and I and said, "Matt told me he likes me, but I just want to be friends. What do I do?" We told her she had to be honest and tell him the truth. Then Matt came to us and said, "I really like Jen but she just wants to be friends. What do I do?" We told him, "There is not much you can do. But by the way are you in the right space to be dating her? Can you lead her spiritually? Is this the right time?"

After this they grew apart. Feelings got hurt. One wanted a relationship the other wanted to just be good friends. Now they were neither. We encouraged both of them to work on becoming the man and woman God wanted them to be. And to TRUST HIM. 

Fast-forward a year.  Matt and Jen started hanging out again. And lo and behold, Matt still likes Jen more than a friend. And guess what? Jen still just wants to be friends. Matt comes to us and says, "What do I do? I really feel like she is the one for me?" Again we tell him, there is not much you can do she is just not there yet. You are going to have to TRUST GOD with this.

Meanwhile, Jen is wondering if God has forgotten about her. She has followed Him a long time and be pretty obedient with her life, where is her prince charming? We tell her you have to TRUST HIM. He's got this.

At this point, most guys would have probably given up, cut their losses. What does Matt do? He stays her friend. Which was not easy, and often pretty painful. But he keeps TRUSTING in God. That December he sits in my living room and asks me, “Kimberley, what do I do? I really feel in my heart that Jen is the one for me. I love hanging out with her and just being around her. But this is hard. It’s been three years."

I said to him, "Matt, if you believe she is the one. You have to trust God to place that on her heart. You can either quit and walk away and no one would blame you or you wait. And trust Him."

At this point Bryan and I are silently rooting for Matt. Because in the last 3 years Matt has definitely changed. He seems happier and his spirit is lighter. You can see that he takes his relationship with God a little more serious and has grown so much in his walk with Jesus. He has proven to be trustworthy, steadfast, responsible, and treats Jen great!

4 months later, Matt went away for 10 days to Washington. On the day he was to come home, Jen comes over to talk to us at 10 at night. She says, "I really have missed Matt being gone. I mean I have missed, missed him like as in more than a friend miss him."

We asked her what was different and what she was she going to do about it?

She said he is my best friend and I love spending time with him. But she was scared and didn’t want to make things awkward or lose him if he didn’t like her anymore. 

We told her she had two choices, do nothing and just let it be or take a risk and tell him the truth about her feelings. The worst that could happen is he tells you no, but then you have been telling him that for years! You have to Trust God on this.

She text me that night and said, he didn’t say no!

 A few weeks into their relationship, I might have emailed Matt to respectfully let him know what some of the expectations were for the guy who wants Jen’s heart might be:

Does "this guy" recognize her beauty on the inside and out? Will he tell her she is beautiful often and show her by the way her treats her?

Will he push her outside of her comfort zone so she can become the woman of God she was created to be?

Will he teach her to stand up for herself and never let her hide in a closet again because she is worth more?

Will he lead her spiritually so she can continue to grow in Christ?

Will he know she is sensitive and not make her feel dumb when she cries, but yet won't let her emotions rule?

Will he know that she loves spending time helping others and try not to ever isolate her?

Will he fight for her even when she is being ridiculous because he is on her team no matter what?

Will he not be afraid of conflict and push back if he needs to because she can't win all the time? Many times growth happens in the fire.

Will he realize that she is ONE OF A KIND and important to so many?

AGAIN! MOST GUYS WOULD HAVE RUN AWAY at this point! Here was Matt's response:

I love that list. I love that God has spent the last few years preparing her and I both for the kind of relationship He wants us to have.  

It's implied that I am working towards marriage with her and even though there have been hiccups over the last couple of years; it's what I've wanted for a very long time. I am continually working on my character and growth and I'm passionate about living that out alongside Jen. I want to reassure you that I care for her SO MUCH. She is my best friend and I love her and I know she deserves such great things.  

Above all, I will treat her in a way that shows her worth and I will fight for her everyday through conversation, prayer, and my actions.  I'm seeking her heart and it's my desire to keep it safe, confident, courageous and strong. 

We joke that Matt should write a book on slow and steady wins the race. But really the chapters in Matt and Jen's story are more about TRUSTING GOD even when things didn’t make sense, trusting Him even when you felt forgotten, trusting God even when you feel like quitting. Trusting God that he has a plan that is MORE THAN YOU EVER IMAGINED!

WE LOVE YOU GUYS!

Does It Even Matter?

"What are you doing right now that will matter 100 years from now?"

Talk about being hit in the gut! This question was posed to me in Bible study and got me all riled up! Oh my gosh what if the answer is NOTHING? What if nothing I am doing truly matters? What if I am just running around like Chicken Little with my head cut off, not accomplishing much, but ruffling a lot of feathers. 100 years is a long time from now, what lasts over a century besides garbage bags and plastic bottles?

According to distractify.com if you compress all the time into minutes, the average person spends over 2 years watching commercials and 9 years or 80,486 hours watching TV, 1 year cleaning, 3 months waiting in traffic, 67 minutes a day eating, 5 years at a desk and 90,360 hours working. Women spend 8 years of their life SHOPPING, over 17 years on some kind of diet trying to lose weight and 14,000 hours doing our hair. 70% of our waking life is spent in front of digital media and 90% of our time is spent indoors!

Ouch! We all know that we need to probably cut down on T.V., Facebook, Pinterest, video games, or whatever else we do that distracts us from truly living but these numbers were depressing! I was tempted to start writing down a list of all my worldly achievements to prove my worth, or at least help me feel like I haven't wasted so much time!  

I cried out, "God, God I don't want to stand before you and give you my list of all the things I have "done for you" thinking I am going to get an A+ or at least a solid B, but really you will just shake your head, with a sad smile, and say," Kimberley you kind of missed the point..." What AM I doing that will matter a 100 years from now?"

"Kimberley, it's really simple, Love God and Love Others! Love does not return void, even if is rejected, thrown away, ignored, trampled on, or only one-sided. All the other stuff the world has to offer, are only substitutes for LOVE. You can't take your money with you, your cars will rust, your house might crumble, the memory of you will slowly fade BUT THE WAY YOU LOVED OTHERS WILL LAST FOR GENERATIONS TO COME! When people are loved well, especially in my name, the effects are eternal. Love your husband like He is your greatest gift even when he doesn't deserve it, love your children, no matter what, pouring into them all my truths, love your enemies even when it hurts, and love the people I put in your life because I first loved you! That is what will matter when you stand before me." 

"Three things will last forever--faith, hope, and love--and the greatest of these is love." 1 Cor 13:13

Happy 40th Birthday Bryan!

Bryan, 

I know you don't really want to make a big deal about your birthday and besides a new pair of tennis shoes you don't really want anything either. And although words cannot even begin to describe what you mean to me I want to you to know that even after 20 years together, I am still in awe how blessed I am that God gave me you! I sometimes watch you while you sleep (because you go to bed so much faster than me :) and think I could not have asked for anyone more perfect for me! People put you on a pedestal because of your job but a career doesn't make a man. Money doesn't make a man either. Love and character outlast those, of which you are filled with both.

I made a short list of some of the "ways" or memories that remind me how patient and loving you are. Always willing to serve our family and others. You are loyal and steadfast. You make me laugh and did I mention patient? Plus you keep getting hotter as the years go by, which is kind of unfair, but I'll take it :)

You make me feel beautiful when I can't see it myself. 

Tell me I am not crazy even though we both know I tend to lean that way most of the time. (case in point the rest of this letter)

You don't make a big deal about me not being a good cook or that I get lost driving in a town I have lived in for over 25 years. 

You show patience when I refuse to wait for you to hang up stuff and instead end up putting holes all over the walls.

Hide in clothes racks at the store to avoid someone from my past.

You don't make me feel dumb when I wear my pants backwards to work or my shirt inside out.

OR melt a red pen in the glue gun because I wasn't paying attention.

You don't get mad when I make you tear apart the bathroom to the studs even though I had no plan or money to put it back together again.

Wake you up in the middle of the night to talk because I am scared or I just remembered something "really important" that can't wait.

Keep the light on in our room until 2am so I can read "just 1 more chapter"

Get up out of our warm cozy bed because I "swear" I heard a noise.

Help me clean the house because I just watched a marathon of Hoarders.

Bring me breakfast or lunch because "I forgot" even though I work 20 minutes away.

You don't roll your eyes when I get stuck in a rut of buying the same thing at the store even though we have plenty of it. 6 jars of peanut butter and ketchup are needed right?

My irrational fears of driving off the side of a mountain so I want you to drive in the middle of the road, even though that is dangerous too.

Calm me down when I am convinced I have a brain tumor, the West Nile, leukemia, or any other deadly diseases I just read about.

Smile at me when I am trying to convince you to get a tattoo of my face on your stomach in case I die so your next wife will always remember I came first.

Or that I have actually talked to you numerous times about letting me go ahead and pick out your next wife for you because I think I have good taste. (It should be a team decision)

The countless hours that you have coached all three kids, in 5 different sports, standing out in the cold, rain, wind, heat, and putting up with tantrums (from me) from the sidelines, will make a difference in the life of our kids and the people who you have touched along the way.

The list can go on and on, but my bottom line is Happy Birthday to my best friend and LOVE OF MY LIFE! I want to spend the next 40 years with you serving Jesus even if it's from a cardboard box! I love you sideways 8.

Kimberley

Puzzles

When my kids were younger we did a lot of puzzles together. We loved the ones that use the Photomosaic process in which thousands of small, colorful images are blended to create a larger picture. It was so cool to see it all come together!

I got to thinking about the outside of the puzzle box. Without it, I would have been very lost because it tells you exactly what the final product should look like. It shows how each little tiny piece fit together to create this masterpiece.

Then I thought about what if there was a picture, the outside of a puzzle box that could capture the sum of my life? All the little pieces, my experiences, relationships, my thoughts, beliefs, values, actions, even my hurts, coming together to tell the story of who I am and what I am about? What would I want that picture to look like? Who would I want to be in it?

This was not easy and a little uncomfortable to think about. Would I want some of the horrible times to be erased or hidden? What if I left something important out? What if the picture in my head looked different from the one others would describe? Because honestly some days, most days, I am just trying to keep my head above water, just trying to survive the daily chaos.

With tears in my eyes, I bowed my head and thought, “Lord, what is my life really about?”  ~~Kimberley, you can paint your life anyway you choose! But remember, you will have to be intentional because your vision for your life can get very blurry quickly. It is easy to lose focus and start living a different life other than the one you really want!

My Puzzle Box would look like this: I want there to be a huge cross in the middle with Jesus standing in front of it with his arms opened wide. I would be kneeling at his feet with tears in my eyes at seeing my Savior and being in his presence. All around me would be pictures of the people in my life who I have loved, who loved and supported me, journeyed with me, and touched my life, however brief. It would be a collection of snapshots of love! I wouldn't hide the ugly parts because for better or worse they are part of me, but I would make them very faint, in the background, because they definitely don’t DEFINE me!

The words at the bottom would come from Jesus, “Kimberley, well done my faithful servant. Your journey was messy and far from perfect but you fought the good fight to spread the news about me. You were passionate about your family and telling your story. You refused to quit, no matter what the cost. You spent your life trying to understand the beauty and grace of the cross!”

What do you want the outside of your box to look like? What does your life stand for?

“For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us new in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.” 

Baseball for Valentine's Day

I am really not a baseball fan. I like sports that are a little faster pace and have more of a success rate (a good batting average is way below 50% and I struggle with this because as a teacher that is an F). But if you know my husband, he is a HUGE baseball fan. He loves to play it, coach it, watch it, and talk about it. FYI...One of our first dates was a Diamondback game that went into a 16 inning overtime, which by the 7th inning stretch I was already trying to devise a way to jump off a cliff. 

So today is Valentine's Day and usually it is about woman. But I wanted to figure out a way to turn the table and make this day special for my husband. He definitely is not going to want flowers, candy, a card, or anything else that looks like a lace doily. A romantic dinner is hard with three kids, a tight schedule, and every place being crazy crowded. What can I do to show him how much I love him? How do I let him know that he LOVES me well and that I appreciate all the things he does for me and the kids, like bringing me ice tea every morning or unclogging the toilets because it grosses me out or playing catch with our son for the 100th million time even when he is exhausted. A card can't tell him that I am the woman I am today partly because of his patience, love, friendship, and consistency over the last 18 years with me. That his steadfast commitment to following Jesus and trusting Him with everything has helped me not worry about tomorrow or stress about yesterday. 

For this Valentine's Day I bought my husband tickets to go see a baseball game. I will get dressed up in my U Of A shirt, get cash for the food concessions, and invite his friends to come along. I will sit there cheering on the home team and will (try really, really hard) not to complain about how boring this is or how I will poke my eyeballs out with a fork if it goes into overtime. I will do this because he is my best friend, the love of my life, and it can be about him for today!

"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance." 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Dating at 13?

Conversation with 13 year old daughter about dating:

"Mom, I am the only one at my lunch table without a boyfriend!"

Breathe...Breathe..don't blow this conversation off or be flippant , Kimberley. These are the teachable moments with your daughter. "Lord, help me be wise. Give me the words to say to her."

"I can see how frustrating that can be. Do you want to know why dad and I have made this decision?"

"Because you think it’s dumb? Because you see no point. And you are just stricter?"

Lakin, we don't want you to date at 13 not because you are the daughter of a pastor. Not because we want you to feel left out and not because we think its "dumb". This decision was not made just to have a rule for you to follow or to stick it to you. We do not think it is wise for you to focus on boys in that context right now. We know you are going to have crushes and talk about boys a lot with your friends for the next few years. And that's okay. But we want your self-worth to come from the ONE who created you not from an immature teenage boy. We want you to have time to figure out what being a teenager looks like without worry about kissing and holding hands added to the mix. Those things will come and they are fun, but we want you to have a little more foundation of who you are before you have a boyfriend speak into your life."

When your heart gets broken, and it will, we want you to know without a shadow of a doubt that YOU are the daughter of a mighty, mighty King. Your self-worth is not found in a guy, it is not found in a relationship, it is not found among your friends at the lunch table. You are worthy because of the cross!

I ask that you trust me and give it a little more time. Take this season to guard your heart and figure out how you want to be treated. It's not about a perfect age for dating it’s about not rushing through life ahead of what you can handle. You are amazing and I love you!

"Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you." Philippians 4:8-9

Praying for Her Future

Yesterday, I was riding in the car with Lakin and I glanced over at her and thought, "Wow, she is growing up so fast." A picture of her twirling around in her wedding dress flashed in my mind. As tears welled in my eyes, I silently started praying for her future husband. 

"Dear Jesus, prepare the guy who captures her heart to love her unconditionally, to bring out the best in her, to serve her, to make her laugh, and dry her tears when she cries. To hold her hand, to give her hugs, and tell her often how much he loves her. To lead and guide her on this journey with grace and mercy. To help her become the person she was created to be. Lord, give her a guy who will be her best friend and truly treasure her as the amazing gift that she is..."

Lakin looked at me and saw the tears. "Mom, what are you doing?"

"I don't want to freak you out but I was praying for your future husband. I am praying that right now he is letting God work in his life to become the man you will need in marriage."

She kind of laughs and says, "Mom, I have a few years."

Yes, daughter but it is never too early to start praying!

 "Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done." Philippians 4:6

Broken Girl

“Our culture has accepted two huge lies. The first is that if you disagree with someone’s lifestyle, you must fear or hate them. The second is that to love someone means you agree with everything they believe or do. Both are nonsense. You don’t have to compromise convictions to be compassionate.” R. Warren

I am not part of the liberal left and I would detest ever be called the religious right. One accepts everything and can compromise accountability, the other closely resembles the Pharisees that loved the rules but not people. I don't want to be trapped by any of these ideologies that seem to stand on platforms of rhetoric rather than actually making a difference in the world. I am uncomfortable how many have bought into the idea that "the war" will be won in the political realm and not in the HEARTS of the people. 

Politics will not answer the "cry for help". The church that Jesus left behind should be the ones to step in to show the world the power of God's love, grace, mercy, kindness, gentleness, and humility. In the midst of all these horrible tragedies, the body of Christ should stand up and act like the one who created them is in CHARGE! Because of His glory, beauty will rise from the ashes of evil. Hope will stamp out despair. Love will triumph over hate. 

We don't need more judgment, fear, laws, fighting over our opinions, or finger pointing!! We need a 'church' that will rally around the hurting, the lost, the outcasts, and the broken, to serve and comfort them.

Instead of being known by my political party, ethnic background, sexual orientation, career choices, financial bracket or membership in a religious group, I want to be known as a broken girl, living in a broken world trying to make a difference by loving others well. Not to be a great person but to serve a Great GOD! I want to stand on the example of Jesus who didn't argue with politicians, attend parades bashing others, listen to talk radio of fools, demand for more laws to be made, turn his nose at the less fortunate, brag about who his dad was, wear bumper stickers to show what he believed or constantly fight over "nonessentials". 

Instead, He walked around the earth telling everyone about God's love and washing the feet of others. Just because I am a Christian, please don't put me into ANY box, especially the ones that are so far away from the ACTUAL teaching of Jesus. Please don't judge God when I make mistakes or fail miserably at reflecting Him well. 

I am just a broken girl, living in a broken world trying to make a difference by loving others.

"If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing." 1 Cor 13:1-3

Rose-Colored Glasses

A few years ago, my sister asked me if I thought I looked at Bryan through rose-colored glasses. I answered, "I don't know, why?" She went on to say, "Well, sometimes he does or doesn't do certain things that would drive me crazy but they don't seem to bother you. I wonder if you see him the same way others do?"
      I stopped to think...."Huh? Have I missed something? Should I be more irritated? Is he "getting away" with something? Am I delusional? Mistaken? Do I really not see him as others do and if so is that a bad thing?" After a few minutes of all this chaos running through my mind, I literally shook my head loose (like you see on cartoons) of these thoughts. Instead of the paranoia and mistrust, images of our past 17 years together flashed before my eyes.

• I saw him on our first date all dressed up, new haircut, bearing a beautiful red rose. He took me to a park and set up a candlelight dinner with take-out from my favorite restaurant. 
• I saw him on our wedding day looking at me like I was the only person in the world, feeling so loved and cherished.
• I remembered how he took care of our newborn daughter and me after I fell and broke my arm even though he had never even babysat before. 
• I remembered the support he gave me when we lost our twins.
• I remembered how he got up for almost every single feeding and changed more diapers than me.
• I saw the picture of him bringing me water after I had just screamed my head off at him.
• I saw all the times he has taken out the trash or cleaned a toilet because I told him when we were first married I didn't like to do those.
• I remembered how he humbled himself to hang Christmas lights one year, in the freezing cold, just to feed our family.
• I remembered all the nights I woke him up at 2 or 3 in the morning because I was scared or anxious. He didn't get irritated but either prayed over me or just talked to me until I fell back asleep.

      Do all those "memories" overshadow that he keeps buying bigger garbage cans so he doesn't have to take it out as much or he leaves his shoes everywhere or he is often late....YES, most of the time, it does! Because I CHOSE to remember his loving traits more often than nitpicking about all his faults. (What if he did that to me? I would be in big trouble) I pray constantly, "Please God, let me love this man well. I don't always know what healthy love looks like but I know I don't want my critical nature to tear him down. God, let me see him as You do. Let me focus on the good in him rather than the negative. Help me to CAPTURE my thoughts." I chose everyday how I want to "see" my husband. It can be hard and I often fail. But then I ask God to remind me and play back our life together, over and over and over until I change my heart.

       I looked at my sister and smiled, "Yeah, I think I do look at Bryan with rose-colored glasses because I asked God to help me do just that. I choose to be thankful that I am and have been well loved."

"... But if you think that leaves you on the high ground where you can point your finger at others, think again. Every time you criticize someone, you condemn yourself. It takes one to know one. Judgmental criticism of others is a well-known way of escaping detection in your own crimes and misdemeanors. But God isn't so easily diverted. He sees right through all such smoke screens and holds you to what you've done." Romans 2:1-2 The Message

Life At 40!

Today as I turned 40 I wanted to look back over my life and try to figure out what I learned if anything.....

High school seemed so epic but really nothing that was important there is important in the real world. The most popular people didn't end up better off and their opinion doesn't matter.

Whoever said "Sticks and stone may break my bones but words will never hurt me"-LIED. Words are powerful and can be very painful. I have seen them destroy others.

Life is not fair. A guy who shoots a ball in a net gets paid millions while a teacher who shapes the minds of the future makes just above the poverty level. Husbands leave, children get sick, and loved ones die, but we must go on, picking up the pieces after we have been torn apart.

Most people don't want to be held accountable for their words or actions. The person in the mirror can be painful to deal with.

Character Counts. Really. Doing what is right is still right even if no one else is doing it.

Choices matter. Doing what is wrong is still wrong even if everybody else is doing it.

Most people have superficial relationships because it is easier. To go deeper requires a lot of hard work and investment.

Money doesn't make you happy but it sure can be a lot of fun to have and it does hide the pain for a while.

We are so bored with our own lives that we sit in front of the TV and watch reality shows about crazy people.

Real friends are hard to find. The ones who not only hold your hand but hold you up when the storms of life try to take you down.

The potential for evil resides in all of us. So much depends on whom we let form our character.

People are constantly trying to fill the emptiness inside, the void, with anything and everything.

The world is full of suffering and we Americans often turn a blind eye and just change the channel.

I have learned that FAITH can move mountains, LOVE can heal deep wounds, KINDNESS goes a long way, LAUGHTER warms the heart, one person can make a difference, and true FRIENDSHIP is a treasure to hold on to. I have learned to count my BLESSINGS every day and be THANKFUL for all the good in my life. 

But most importantly I have learned that no matter what GOD created me to be one of His masterpieces and His love will never fail. He keeps His promises and surrounds me with His mercy and grace. He numbered the hairs on my head and no tear that I have shed has gone unnoticed.

"You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world." 

1 John 4:4

Before I Said Yes...

Our wedding verses were Ephesians 3:16-19. 

"I pray that out of his glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge —that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."

      We chose these because it encapsulated our relationship with God. When we first met we were both pretty rough around the edges but for different reasons. Bryan was very churched. His grace stick was a bit small and he sometimes said pretty hurtful things using bible verses to back it up. I was a new Christian with a lot of baggage, hurts, and pain. You would think two opposites would not get along right? Well to be honest we didn't at first. We came from two completely different backgrounds and experiences. Our entire approach to life was not even on the same page. So how did it work? A lot of hard work, more laughter, and a ton of God's grace.
      Bryan said he knew we were going to get married after 5 months of dating. I on the other hand was much slower on the uptake. It took me two and half years before I was ready to be his wife. Why so long? Bryan is pretty easy to love if you can get past his laundry situation :) Loving him wasn't the problem. What I had to figure out was could I accept his love and be the wife God wanted for him? Could I forgive myself for my past and accept deep down that God made me new? Could I work through my family issues and not be bound by the generational sin? Could I cast off the guilt of not being "as good as" Bryan seem to be? Could I really be a pastor's wife? I sure as heck didn't feel like I could fill those shoes.
      How did I answer those questions? Well not by looking at my daily horoscope or calling a hot line. Not by vomiting on all my friends until I found one who would just agree with me and help me justify  everything. Not by pushing all the tough stuff under the rug hoping nobody would find it. And not by being in denial and trying to be something I wasn't just so I could become this amazing man's wife. I took over 2 years soaking up my relationship with Jesus. I joined Bible studies to seek out His will. I read my Bible to find out who He was. I went to conferences to learn more about Jesus. 
        I surrounded myself with Christian friends who encouraged me to keep the faith. I mostly listened to Christian music so I could constantly renew my mind and praise Him. I started volunteering in the youth ministry to understand the importance of serving others. I obeyed God when He told me to keep my relationship with Bryan physically pure no matter how hard it would be. I learned to lean into the pain and not run from it because God was faithful in healing my wounds.
      Did all that "work"? Yes and no. It got me on the right path but it wasn't the whole picture. The key was falling in love with Jesus. The true difference was really believing that He died on the cross for me. His blood paid the price for my past. He was pierced for my sins. He loved me enough to die on the cross and He didn't want anything in return but for me to accept him. I said yes to becoming Bryan's wife after I said yes to Jesus and accepted that God loved me more.

How high, how wide, how long, how deep is the love of Christ? Long enough, wide enough, and deep enough to find me!