Growth Has A Price

"When the storm is out on the ocean and the violent wind gets to blowing......oh take me back, all the way back, to my first love!" 
(Take Me Back by Maverick City Music)

Lord, I want to be whole! I want to be free! I want to be so sensitive to your Spirit that I say what you want me to say, see things how you see them, act like you would act, and love like you love! I want to forgive! I want be renewed and restored! Help me to hunger for your presence and thirst for your word! I want to offer everyone you put in my path; your light and hope!

I don't want to self-protect or build walls that hide all that you have redeemed in me!

I don't want to hesitate to trust or love others because I think the risk is too high.

I don't want my wounds and scars to SCREAM LOUDER than my FAITH!

I won't remain stuck in my hurt, with my head down, going around in circles, lost in the feelings that get me nowhere.

I don't want to pretend or stay superficial because I am afraid people won't like the real me.

Fear has no place here. It takes up too much space. It crowds out your grace, your mercy, your abundant promises, and your truth.

Lord, help me to have a posture of humility rather than pride that comes so natural and robs me of your blessings.

This season of winter will not hang around forever....the "SON" has not left me. His radiance and warmth faithfully draws me closer. Springtime always comes after the cold and the thawing of my heart begins. Seeds of hope take root and begin to break through the hard soil. When the storm blows over there is fresh ground for new growth, new sweet fruit, new opportunities, news songs, and endless possibilities. He is ALIVE in me doing a new thing!

I will not let the enemy steal my songs of praise, my worship will rise up and my soul will still declare His Holy name!

I CHOOSE joy no matter the circumstances.
I BELIEVE in your promises!
I have HOPE that holds on through the strongest of storms.

God you are so good. You are working even when I can't see it. You are there even when I can't feel you. You have never let me go.

Here is to new beginnings, however painful it might have been to get here.
Take me back to my first love......... you Jesus!

"Even the wilderness and desert will be glad in those days. The wasteland will rejoice and blossom with spring crocuses. Yes, there will be an abundance of flowers and singing and joy! The deserts will become as green as the mountains of Lebanon, as lovely as Mount Carmel or the plain of Sharon. There the Lord will display his glory, the splendor of our God. With this news, strengthen those who have tired hands, and encourage those who have weak knees." Isaiah 35:1-3

THIS IS ME!!

The other day a friend made a comment to me, that some people probably couldn't "handle" me. I just laughed it off thinking whatever, probably true.  But today I was doing my quiet time and I thought, "Hmmm what am I agreeing to when I hear that?" 

What lies do I attach to that statement? Am I too much? Not enough? Too this or too that? Do I need to act differently around others, according to their personal tastes? Do I minimize myself so I can make my personality more digestible for them? Is that what I would tell my daughter to do?

"Hey, Lakin, I don't want you to seem too confident, too sure of yourself, or be a strong leader because it might be hard for some people to "handle". So make it a point to know what everyone in the room likes and adjust yourself around that so you will be more liked."

Just thinking about saying those words to her gives me a stomach ache! I can't imagine anyone telling their son, "try not to be too strong today honey or in charge. It might be hard for others to be around you." Blah!!!

Don't get me wrong, I am not blind to my fussy habits or high maintenance traits. But at this point in my life, I am coming to believe THIS IS ME and I am kinda okay with it! Sure there are things I would like to get better at (I tried to lower my voice and sounded like Barry White with a cold) and of course God is constantly working on my heart. But let's be honest, if I am not your cup of tea, rather than try to change or poke at me, you can always make the choice to smile and walk away. No harm, no foul. 

More and more, I want to spend time with people who are FOR ME! Who want me to be the best Kimberley I can be! They see my faults, look past my mess, over my need for control on certain things, embrace my lack of cooking and technology skills, my fast talking, not completing sentences, and love me anyway! I want to hang out with people who won't find little ways to chip away at my self-worth and make me feel less than. They see my heart and know that there is more to me than my "strong" personality and mixed up sayings. (Fold like a piano or slick as a board could be real right?) 

Sometimes these friends will have to pull me aside and let me know, "Hey Kimberley, you missed the mark on that one or 'That did not come off like you wanted it to'. Feedback with intentional love and grace is invaluable!!

Sticks and stone will break my bones and WORDS can be just as devastating. My prayer is to try to look at people, as their own unique masterpieces, created by a loving Heavenly Father, who doesn't make mistakes. And if for some reason I can't, I can choose to just smile and walk away, not tear down. 

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:13-14.

Why I Hated Church

I have often wrestled with why I had such a profound distaste for going to church in my teens and early twenties. There were so many reasons, I have come to the conclusion that I disliked the whole process, start to finish, from getting ready on Sundays to getting back in the car when church was over and everything in between. Why should I have to dress and wear only “church” clothes or things that were “church” acceptable (pantyhose were a must in my house and I knew for sure these were made by the devil himself). I had to act a certain way, pretend to like everyone else, so as not to stand out or call too much attention to myself. Different in church does not mean better it means different. Besides fitting in, I never really said what I was thinking or feeling. 

“How are you today Kimberley?” “Fine” or “Great” was my usual reply. God forbid I actually told them the truth. “”Right now life sucks. My alcoholic dad left again, my mom is off her rocker, and my sister is a basket case. I’m hurting, alone, angry and confused.” Can you just imagine their faces? The whispers behind my back? The judgment in their eyes? The awful clichés thrown back at me? God never gives you what you can't handle, The Lord turns bad into good, maybe you are not praying hard enough” Nope, everything is just fine. Then my family would get back into the car throw off the churchy stuff and start bickering right away, until next Sunday.

I felt the sins of my father, the sins of my family deeply. In these years I never encountered a personal relationship with Jesus and I learned church was a place for the fashion police, mean old people, fake smiles, teenagers playing their parents for fools and the ever creeping feeling that I would never be good at following all these rules. I decided I did not want to play this game anymore. Church became irrelevant at best a hurtful place at its worse. 

After years of avoiding church people at ALL COSTS Jesus came a knocking. I opened my heart to Him but not without a fight… I was angry…with Him! Where had He been? How could He have let certain things happen? Is He for real? Will He keep His promises? Because if He was the “church” I grew up with NO THANK YOU! I’ll take my chances with the world. At least I don’t expect much from it. 

Of course God met my anger with love. I came face to face with a real God, a real Jesus. Now, I can never accept less than the real thing! We want, no we crave, authentic relationships that surpass the normal superficial ones that people settle with. Let's fill our churches with deeper, meaningful, and genuine, believers willing to love wholeheartedly, not surface level!  

"He makes the whole body fit together perfectly. As each part does its own special work, it helps the other parts grow, so that the whole body is healthy and growing and full of love." Ephesians 4:16

I Don't Like Cheerleaders

I am not a fan of cheerleaders, mostly because at face value, I do not see the point. Rarely do they make a huge impact in the sporting arena, to me, especially when I watch from the comfort of my home. Even the bows that are bigger than their heads tend to irritate me. Yes, they are usually pretty or good looking, their outfits are adorable, border on scandalous, and they can do some crazy athletic moves. But truly it seems like they can be more of a distraction and basically a mini-sorority, with lots of stereotypes attached to them, some well-earned. 

When my daughter was four, we were walking by my old high school football field; she pointed to the cheerleaders and said, "Mommy, I want to do that." My reply was what a very biased parent would normally say, "Oh no Lakin, anything but that! I want you to play a sport and not go around half naked. There is too much drama that goes along with being on a squad."

I can already hear the uproar from the parents starting to formulate all the arguments about the pros of cheerleading, which I know there are many and I can feel the daggers coming out, for those who disagree with me. But first, remember I can have my opinion. Second, I actually was a Varsity Cheerleader in high school and was in a sorority in college. 

But lately, I have been thinking I might be looking at the whole cheerleading thing all wrong. Instead of rolling my eyes in slight annoyance, I might even start to become their champion. Why the drastic turn around?  Well, a cheerleader's most important jobs are to get the crowds involved in supporting their teams and create a community of school spirit, both of which I LOVE!

In fact, in the current climate of mudslinging, name calling, lying, cheating, insulting each other over differences of opinions or beliefs, and general all-around unrest, I propose that we should start ALL becoming cheerleaders! We could become more supportive of each other on, help create a community spirit that cries out,  "Let's get involved together, let's UNITE as people! We don't have to AGREE on everything but we can be decent human beings to each other."

Maybe we can stop shaming and arguing about who is "right" and who is "wrong". Maybe we can stop rolling our eyes or being frustrated at others for our personal PREFERENCES and start celebrating all the wonderful differences that make us unique. Maybe we can begin shouting about ALL the things we are FOR, rather than putting people down for all the things we are AGAINST. If you want to go see the new Disney movie go. If you don't, then don't go. If you are a working mom or a stay-at-home mom, breastfed or bottle fed, voted for Frick or voted for Frack, like to drive Chevys or cruise around in Imports, recycle or can't find your magical blue garbage can (sorry), why does it have to be such harsh judgment and criticism of the other "side"?

Don't get me wrong, I played sports. I like competition. I actually claim the title of Reigning Queen Champion of Boggle and Scrabble in my home. (No one will play with me anymore because I can get quite "aggressive') I do not believe every kid gets a trophy or a ribbon. It's important to learn how to deal with not being first, not winning, or being disappointed. Competition is healthy in certain areas, but it is not helpful to pit nations, tribes, races, sexes, religions, or political parties, against each other just because we see things through different filters.

And yes, as a Christian, there are truths that cannot be compromised but if we truly want to follow Jesus we MUST really get to know His character. Most of us are not representing Him well at all with our hateful prejudices, misguided fears, and making people conform to our "perfect" image. Our job it to tell people the good news, and let Jesus change their hearts. 

So give me a, "2,4,6,8 who do we appreciate, Hoo Rah! Let's go Team!"

“Our culture has accepted two huge lies. The first is that if you disagree with someone’s lifestyle, you must fear or hate them. The second is that to love someone means you agree with everything they believe or do. Both are nonsense. You don’t have to compromise convictions to be compassionate.” Pastor Rick Warren

This Ain't Burger King!

A few years ago Burger King had an ad out that stated, "Have it your way, right away!" While this is good for a fast food restaurant trying to attract customers and compete with other chains this shouldn't be our attitude about church. Too often I hear people complaining about what they don't like about church. I am not talking about the deeper issues like doctrine or core beliefs; I am talking about the non-essentials like the music being too loud or the preacher not giving the best sermon ever. One of the sayings that irritate me the most is, "Well I am just not being fed." 

Where did Christians get the idea that the only reason they go to church is to get fed? This ain't Burger King! You don't get to drive up to a church and expect it to meet all your needs exactly the way you want it. God did not make us helpless and passive. We are not called to sit back and let the church serve us in just the "right" way and grumble, loudly when it doesn't. We are not supposed to "shop" churches until we feel "comfortable". Comfort was never the plan! Sometimes God has you in a specific place, for a specific reason, to do a specific task for Him. 

This doesn't mean we shouldn't using wisdom and discernment in choosing a church. But let's consider for a moment that maybe its not about us. Maybe if we have been Christians for awhile we shouldn't be searching for "our way" but His purpose. Maybe God wants you at a specific church because He has someone for you to journey with, a ministry to serve, or a lesson to learn. Maybe we will bring GLORY to our creator when stop focusing on the give me, serve me, my way... but instead stop our complaining and say, "God use me YOUR WAY, ANY WAY, I am yours."

"These people are grumblers and complainers, living only to satisfy their desires. They brag loudly about themselves, and they flatter others to get what they want." Jude 1:16

"Their responsibility (pastors, elders) is to equip God’s people to do his work and build up the church, the body of Christ. This will continue until we all come to such unity in our faith and knowledge of God’s Son that we will be mature in the Lord, measuring up to the full and complete standard of Christ." Ephesians 4:12-13

UnStuck?

Yesterday I wrote about the reasons we might become stuck in our spiritual walk or our relationship with God; We don't trust God, Our Past, Our Feelings, and/or Our Sin can all keep us from moving forward.

So the next question is, "How do we unstick?"

1. Get to know God and trust him more.

You have to know who God is, what is the truth, and his character. The enemy is the master deceiver and he wants to get you all messed up and confused about your relationship with God. He constantly mocks you and tries to get you to believe lies. The enemy loves to stir the pot and convince you that God is a killjoy or worse not to be counted on. You have to ground yourself in God’s promises and trust him to be who he says he is.

He is the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end; he is the King of Kings, who created the heavens and the earth. His love is so complete and powerful he put his son on the cross to die for our sins. He promises to never leave or forsake us and that he knows our name! Our faith, our steadfastness, and our trust in Him help us not be so easily swayed or deceived.

Then you have to really, not kind-of-sort-of, trust him!

• trust him to show up
• to keep his promises
• give you the strength when you feel like you can’t go on
• trust in his grace and mercy
• trust he has a plan for your life
• trust that you will have consequences if you go against him

You have to trust him and his word to become unstuck, to move closer to him. If you put your trust in anything else it will always return void.

2. Choose to take the next steps. “Knowing God’s word doesn't cause me to grow. But doing it does.” (Donna Jones)

"Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.” Philippians 4:8-9

PUT IT INTO PRACTICE. DO IT. APPLY IT. THINK about things that are pure, lovely, admirable, praiseworthy, and true.  Get your mind on those things in the world not all the other garbage we fill our heads with. You can know God’s word inside and out, be a theologian that can argue with the best of them, but if you don't apply anything you know, hear, or learn you will remain stuck!

I can get a master's degree in exercise and nutrition and have my shelves lined with how to get healthy books. But if I never go to the gym or stop eating cookies all the knowledge in the world is not going to help me get healthy. It’s the same with God’s word. You can know it and stay the same, but you have to do it and apply it to change.

But the other part is progress. Progress means movement towards something. You have to take the next step. Might be a baby step, it might only be a shuffle but the cross, the sacrifice of the cross, DEMANDS a response!!! Maybe it is time to do more than just show up for church, sing a few songs, nod your head at a few things said from the stage and walk out of church really NO different. Maybe it’s time to stop making excuses. God doesn't want our excuses he wants our heart!

Maybe it’s time to take your foot off the brakes, and say, “I am ready to move forward. Take the next step!”

What is the Next Step?

• Maybe find one verse in the Bible you claim as yours and memorize it. One of mine is Ephesians 1:7-8 “In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace that he lavished on us.”

When I first became a Christian and my past kept trying to keep me chained this verse got me through. It told me God bought me with the blood of his son, forgave me of my sins because he is full of grace and mercy which he poured out onto me!

• Have a tough conversation with someone you have been putting off
• Get the courage to share Jesus with that person he has put in your life no matter how awkward or uncomfortable.
• Stop isolating. Get connected to a community. Join a small group. Go on a mission trip. Join a team and volunteer. You can’t unstick yourself.  You need help, people alongside you on this journey.
• Maybe God wants you to confess a sin and get help to stop it. Stop sleeping with the person you are not married to, stop gossiping behind other people’s backs, stop bad mouthing the church when things don't go your way, control your temper, stop pursuing the love of money or material things.
• Maybe he wants you to break you free from an addiction of porn, drugs, alcohol, buying…. whatever it is SIN WILL KEEP YOU STUCK!
• Maybe it is surrendering your finances and being more generous.
• Look at how you are spending your time, what are you thinking about and focusing on most of the time? Is it stuff that has no eternal value?
• Go to counseling and really deal with some of that baggage you have been carrying around that it just too heavy.
• It could be as simple as a prayer or a conversation that you need to begin with God.

Ask yourself: Am I willing to do what is necessary to become unstuck? Will I get to the end of my life and be okay with where I am at right now?

Let me tell you about some people here at Elements City Church that are choosing to take the next steps to move closer to God. I want to share these stories because they are some of my heroes. They are choosing that no matter how crappy their past was, how awful they have acted, how unfair life has been to them, they are choosing to take the next steps, some of them drastic steps toward Jesus.

There is a guy that grew up on the streets of Philadelphia to teenage parents who couldn't overcome their drug addictions and never really parented him. He saw a verse on our whiteboard at home and asked a few questions. His next steps: he went to church the next day, got baptized, starting going to counseling, and comes every Sunday night without really knowing anybody but us.

A young female who sat across the table from me at coffee and said, “Kimberley, I am not a good person. I don't like who I am and if you look at my past it is awful and I am so ashamed. But I want to change!”  This girl is beautiful, smart, and successful and could get by on life just because of this. But she made the step to talk to someone. She is being open and honest about the sin in her life, she is trusting wise counsel on how to deal with it, and she joined a bible study. She also chose to stop drinking not because she thinks it’s wrong but because she looked at her past and figured out that most of her bad decisions came when she was drinking so it wasn't worth it.

A single mom with 5 kids who took the steps to protect her kids by having the courage to get them all out of an unsafe situation. She is scared and fearful about going at it alone, with very little resources, but taking the next steps to give her children a different life!

Or the mom who had a baby as a teenager and just got baptized 15 years later because she has recommitted her life to Jesus and wants something different for her family. She is not letting her past stop her from becoming part of leadership here at Elements. She knows she has been redeemed. Her next step was saying yes to be a team leader. Her past will not keep her chained.

Another young man who left a very strict religious home to find the Jesus of the bible not the Jesus used for control. His step out was filled with fear and anxiety but he knew he had to move. He found a church and community who could show him the love and compassion of Jesus.

One 20 year old female took a next step when she decided that Facebook was causing her too much of a distraction so she disabled her account, so she can spend more time listening to podcasts and worship music.

What is so different about these people? They are moving towards Jesus no matter what they have been through. They are ordinary people showing up and taking the next step.

Now I can almost hear some of your thoughts from here, “I can’t do this! It’s too hard. I am not disciplined enough. I am too young, too old. I am scared. I’m too hurt. You don't know what I have done. I am not ready. I will wait until I am older or get myself together more…..

And I say to you, The resurrected son of God lives inside us. The cross is ENOUGH! You can't stay the same and follow Jesus.  He said come follow me. He is going somewhere. Jesus never meant for us stand still and be stagnant.

“Being a Christian is about surrendering to Jesus and then submitting to him on a daily basis one step at a time and KNOWING that he is going to make us into who we need to be.” Perry Noble 

Stuck!

When I was eight years old my parents took me on a scary carnival ride. It had one long steel pole with cages at each end that rotated around and around as the pole swung us through the air. All of a sudden, as we were at the highest rotation point, the ride lurched to a halt and we stopped. Hanging upside down, squished between my parents, I thought I was going to die. We were stuck!

Have you ever been stuck? Stuck in traffic? Stuck in a line? In an elevator? At a family or work event? Have you ever had gum stuck on your shoe or in your hair? What feelings come with being stuck? Anger, frustration, exhaustion, fear, bitterness towards others, maybe even loss of hope, or wanting to just give up?

The definition of stuck: unable to move forward, trapped, unable to set oneself free.

It happens to us in our spiritual walk too. It doesn’t matter where you are with your relationship with God, whether you are a brand new Christian, not a Christian at all, or you have been walking with God for years. We all get stuck!

Why do we get stuck?

1. We Don’t Trust God

• We don’t believe He is who He says He
• that He is going to show up
• that He is listening
• That He will keep his promises or his word. 
• that HE created us for a purpose and has a plan for our lives
• We don't believe He tries to protect us by telling us not to do certain things. 
• how much He loves us
• that we are his precious children who He relentlessly pursues no matter what we have done
• We don't believe God won’t quit on us.

How can we mature in Christ if we don't trust God is who he says He is and will do what He promises? We will remain stuck.

2. Our Past

It’s a powerful thing that can get us trapped, entrenched. The wounds are deep binding us in chains. The hurt, the shame, the bitterness, the anger all goes down to our soul. But you cannot become unstuck if you don't free yourselves from your past.

I know some of you are thinking, “You have no idea what I have been through or what I have done!” You are right I don't. I know that some of you have been abused, misused, violated or you some of you have done those things to others. Many of you have secrets that you think are so ugly that you can never truly get over them.

BUT Your past does not define you. THE CROSS DOES!

Your identity is not found in your past. Satan uses our past to defeat us because we focus so much on his lies that we don't believe we can ever get over our past.

“If you don’t let your past die, then it wont let you live.” Perry Noble

You will always remain trapped. Are you going to live in self-pity or triumph? Are you going to remain a victim or are you going to claim the victory of the cross? 

Don't get stuck in your past so you can’t claim the future God has for you!

3. Our Feelings

Sometimes we are stuck because of our feelings. Anger, bitterness, selfishness, or maybe we are disillusioned. We don't feel close to God, we don't feel joyful, we are angry because someone in the church has disappointed us, so we don’t feel like going to church. We don't feel called to volunteer. We don't feel like forgiving. Our feelings can get in the way of moving forward. We focus so much on how we feel and our emotions. Let's be honest here, feelings can’t always be trusted. They can be all over the place, up and down like a roller coaster. Do you tell your teenagers to trust all their thinking when they are going through those years? No way. Teenage filters can be way off. Think of girls who one minute they are BFFs forever and the next minute they are done. Sometimes we have to look past our feelings, look at the bigger picture. Look at God’s viewpoint rather than through our filters.

As we mature in following Christ we begin to believe what God’s word says over the way we feel.” Perry Noble

God’s word is true and trustworthy. Our feelings and emotions can sometimes be cloudy and confused.

4. Our Sin- Sin is anything that breaks the relationship between you and God.

“It's impossible to experience spiritual maturity while hanging on to an area of sin in our lives. Sometimes when we don’t want to give up our sin so we try to immerse ourselves in some sort of Christian activity believing that maybe we will appease God and he won’t notice this other little sin part over here. Just like if you go to McDonalds and order a big mac, large fries, an apple pie and a diet coke. The diet coke doesn't cancel out all the other garbage you just bought.” (Paraphrased from Perry Noble) The same with sin.

The consequence of sin is separation from God. When you don't deal with the sin in your life it moves you farther and farther away from Him. Often you start becoming pretty comfortable with sin as your sidekick that your life is no different than the worlds. Sin will keep you stuck. It will stop you from moving forward. It will stop you from maturing in your spiritual walk.

If I were to ask many of you where are you right now with your walk with Jesus or this season in your life, many would say, “I’m stuck. I don’t feel like I am making any progress. Or I feel like I am backsliding. I am discouraged because I keep doing the same things over and over again. Or some of you may be near the breaking point, I am quitting this is too hard I don’t see enough change.”

Stop and ask yourself; Am I letting my feelings rule my thoughts? Not trusting the one who created me? Playing the tapes of my past over and over?  Making choices that will keep me in destructive patterns? The One that lives in You is GREATER than all of these things!

"But thank God! He gives us victory over sin and death through our Lord Jesus Christ. So, my dear brothers and sisters, be strong and immovable. Always work enthusiastically for the Lord, for you know that nothing you do for the Lord is ever useless." 1 Corinthians 15:57-58

Tomorrow: How to Get Unstuck

Recycled!

In the US we are pretty good about recycling. In 2009, Americans recycled 82 million tons of materials.(kab.org) We go to thrift stores for clothing, shoes, and costumes that might have barely been worn. We try to find old furniture to renovate turning something old and trashy into something new and relevant. Most of us love pitching in to do our part to save the earth to cut down on waste. 

I think God is kind of like that too. He loves to recycle. He knows that we live in a broken, sinful world that causes pain and destruction all around. He knows life can be hard and some of us have been hurt... terribly. Instead of saying, "Oh just forgive and forget or that's what you get.." He says, "My precious, precious child. I am so sorry that this has happened. Every tear you cried was noticed. Every bad choice I grieved because I knew the consequences would be damaging. The wounds you have collected that seem so ugly now...I will cover them with the blood of my son. I will hold you in my arms surrounded by my perfect love until you believe that I love you just the way you are, SCARD and all. I will take what the devil is using to keep you fearful, ashamed, condemned and make you "beautiful" again. You are mine, bought, redeemed, and LOVED!"

God doesn't WASTE a hurt. When we are healed and transformed through His grace and mercy, we can point others struggling with the same issues to Him.
His glory shines through when we REFUSE to let our past define us and instead use our trials, tribulations, baggage, and sin to HELP and COMFORT others. 

The other day, I sat in front of a 23 year female lost in confusion because of the way she had been living her life the last few years. She confessed to feeling like she was a bad person who is unworthy, unlovable, and just a mess. I smiled and with tears in my eyes said, "At your age I felt exactly that same way. And the person who is sitting before you today is living proof that God TRANSFORMS lives and uses EVERYTHING for His glory. Trust in Him and someday you will be on this side of the table. I promise!" 

God "recycles" those who follow Him.

"All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us." 2 Corinthians 1:4

My Paperwork...Fail?

When I first became a Christian I definitely felt like I didn't "fit in" with church people. We didn't have a lot in common. There seemed to be these unspoken rules of how to act or "appropriate" behavior that I didn't know much about. For instance, when going to a white elephant party at the worship leader's house don't bring a gift from the store, Spencers...you know the one in the mall with the blackened out windows? A flower made out of condoms is not funny to Baptists. Who knew? At that time in my life I thought it was somewhat tasteful and mild compared to the parties I had been attending. Or when asked in a small group how much I used to drink, the response, "Well, we could count every finger and toe of all the people in this room, times them by 10 and maybe get close", didn't go over well with the crowd. Every time I made one of these "faux pas" I would usually say a swear word and yell at God, "I told you this wasn't for me. I will never fit in. When they see my paperwork I don't pass the test. I feel like they are putting a stamp on it, FAILED or REJECTED!" My comfort zones were bars or parties. At least there I would be accepted especially as people got drunker."

Am I supposed to blend? Not be completely honest? Just smile and act like I understood everything being said at Bible study? Agree with things that seem absurd to me? I pretty much stood out like a sore thumb. Oh yeah, did I mention that I happened to like the poster "choir boy" of the college department? Yes, Bryan was the complete opposite of me in almost every way. We came from different backgrounds to say the least. Dating him caused me to feel like I had to show people my "paperwork", my qualifications for being good enough for him. Again many times "failed or rejected" came across people's faces when they heard about my past.

One night our college leader asked me to give my story to the group. My first response was "hell.. I mean heck darn NO!" That night I prayed about it, again, maybe yelled a bit. "God, are you kidding me? Tell my story? I am just hanging on here! There is no way I am putting myself out there for all these people to judge me. They already look at me weird and act like I am not good enough for Bryan. Can you imagine the reaction if I really opened up? 
Thanks for understanding. I knew this would be a mistake. You don't really want me to say yes...right? Right?"

"Kimberley, I want you to say yes." 

"No God, No! Please don't ask this me. I am embarrassed. I am scared. They will use this information against me. His sister will be there. His parents will find out. Anything but this!"

"Kimberley, no one in that group, not one, is perfect. You have been created new, through my son. Tell our story. Let them know where I found you and what your life looks like now. Be honest, be real, let them see ME through you. Many will judge but remember your identity is in ME!"

Three weeks later I gave my testimony for the first time, with Bryan's sister sitting on the front row and his ex-girlfriend right next to her. Right before I was to begin, I begged God one more time for me not to do this. His answer was, "Kimberley, trust me. I did not give you a spirit of fear. Go!" 

How did it turn out? Well, I was judged by some. Part of my story that I told was thrown into my face years later when I was about to marry Bryan. But I never regretted that night. That night, I said yes. I obeyed. And have never looked back. My paperwork was bought by His blood on the cross!

"He is so rich in kindness and grace that He purchased our freedom with the blood of His Son and forgave our sins." Ephesians 1:7 (NLT)

Fight Fair!

Bryan and I were asked to speak at a marriage conference on conflict resolution. (Of course what happens when we say yes? We immediately get into a huge argument. I guess practicing what we are talking about is important research:) 

We are by far not marriage experts and don't have counseling degrees, but we DO have A LOT of experience. I have mentioned before that I am a fighter...so I had to make sure Bryan knew this area inside and out. It would make him a better pastor right? (See honey, all that arguing in the beginning had a point...to help others :)

During our "research" we came up with four things we try not to do in the heat of a fight, when anger is high and maybe we, I mean I, am seeing red. 

        1) Don't dump truck- this is when you get off track from what is really bothering you and you just dump everything out. You start piling up all the garbage that has angered, bothered, irritated, or hurt you and you dump it. It is hard enough to deal with one problem much less try to sift through a bunch of issues. Try to keep focused on the bottom line, in that moment. Save the other stuff for later. It will get overwhelming real fast if you throw out too much at one time...many give up before they even start.

        2) No Name Calling/Bad language- the minute you lose control over your tongue and start calling each other names or using bad words, everybody loses! Remember this is your spouse, the one who you committed to loving for the rest of your life. Name calling and ugly language tears away the very foundation of love and leaves deep scars that are not easily repaired. Think of a crisp, white piece of paper. If you rip or crinkle it and then try to smooth it out does it go back to how it looked in the beginning? No, that piece of paper is never the same. 

        3) Don't EVER, EVER, EVER Threaten- You are not in the mafia! Never say something you are not ready to back up. This will eventually backfire. If you say it enough times the other person might just take you up on it even when you didn't really mean it.  Especially the "divorce" word. Throwing this word around in a fight opens the door for the enemy to walk right in, cast doubts, stir up trouble, and cause discord. 

        4) Don't Share- When you are mad or upset at your spouse be very careful who you vent to. Try to go to God or a mentor for wise counsel. Using your family or friends is really not a good option. They shouldn't be put in the middle and it might be hard for them to move on after a problem is resolved. Sometimes they actually might be the problem by constantly bringing up the old stuff or helping you justify your behavior.

On the flip side, how do we resolve conflict? Fight fair! (Is that an oxymoron?) Well, this has taken quite a bit of practice, self-control and a whole lot of God's help.

1) Forgive often, and then forgive some more- forgiveness is key to a happy marriage. We are all broken, broken people. When you put two broken people together of course there are going to be  problems! Our own selfishness, desires, wills, issues, and sin will rear their ugly heads and cause us to hurt each other. It is so important to offer grace even when they don't deserve it. This does not mean you don't hold each other accountable. It means you let go of things that weigh down your relationship.

2) Keep short accounts- marriage is not about trying to balance out the scales. It is not 50/50. Sometimes it could be 80/20 or even 99/1.  The list you are making in your head about all the things the other person has not done right and all the things you do ..needs to be thrown out. IMMEDIATELY! Your column might have more check marks but where is right going to get you? Proving to someone how much better you are then them just doesn't turn out well.

3) Listen to hear what the other person is saying- Often in an argument we are not really listening. We are forming our own attack or defense. Stop and LISTEN! Then repeat back what you heard.  "So what I heard you say is.." If you are doing the talking make sure you ask, "What did you hear me say?" What you think you communicated could be totally different from what they heard. 

4) Ask for help- don't wait until it is too late when the damage is done. Pick up the phone and call a counselor, have a conversation with a pastor, do a Bible study together, and most of all PRAY, PRAY, PRAY. Pray for God to change your heart, pray for God to hold your tongue, pray for God to protect your marriage, pray for God to help you see your spouse the way He sees them. 

How often do I fail at many of the above? Frequently! But I don't give up. I fight for my marriage. And with God's help, over the last 20 years, it has gotten better. Thank God :)

"Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires." James 1:19-20

        

Sweet..No. I Am Fighter!

One of the adjectives I have rarely been called is sweet. It just isn't a word that pops into mind when you think of me. I am not usually offended but I asked myself and a few others why? One person said, "Maybe if you didn't tell people tough things without them asking, you might be sweet." Ohhhh that will be a hard one. Someone else said, "I think the word you are looking for is outspoken not sweet." Uh Duh! Well, how does a sweet person act? What are the qualifications for being a sweetie? I do eat a lot of sugar maybe that will rub off on me?

I asked my husband if it bothers him that I am not sweet. He responded, "Kimberley, I know exactly where I stand with you. I never have to guess. You might not be sweet but you are passionate, loyal, and real." (Isn't he sweet?) Thank you honey but I am aiming for sweet.

So I went to God. God why didn't you make me sweet? Was I sleeping on the day that gene was passed out? Do you think I can try real hard and become this?  "Kimberley, I do not make mistakes. You were created in my image. I knew you before you were born. I numbered the hairs on your head. Why are you caught up on this label? They are definitely some things in your personality you need to work on but not this one. I created you to be a fighter."
     
Huh? My husband gets to be sweet and I am a fighter? That just seems wrong! 

"Kimberley, if you were not a fighter you would not have been able to fight your family's past. You would not have been able to fight becoming enslaved to alcohol or drugs or trapped in the cycle of bitterness. You wouldn't have been able to fight your way out of an abusive relationship.  You fought to marry someone different than your dad. You fought to have the marriage I created for you. You fought to protect your children from negative relationships. You still fight for the lives of the people you mentor. If you were not a fighter maybe you wouldn't have fought through all your doubts to fall in love with my son." 

Be humble, be gentle, be kind, love others well, but do not ever forget that we are in the midst of a war for our families, our marriages, our cities, our country, and for humanity.  For this girl, sweet might not cut it right now, if ever!

 "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful." Psalms 139: 13-14