Prayers of A Husband

A few months ago I came across one of Bryan's prayer journals...and I wept. It wasn't organized, color-coded, or neat but oh how he prayed for so many of you, for the church, for this city, the future, for his kids and for me!

At the bottom of one of the pages he wrote:

"Pray Jesus to move in power to bring Kimberley

out of teaching to get to the Calling (you have for her)"

Seeing his handwriting, the prayers on his heart...broke me. I literally crumbled to the floor not just in grief but because of incredible LOVE! To know that my husband was going to God and requesting that He move mountains for me is overwhelmingly beautiful. Bryan's faith to ask bold things always amazed and sometimes scared me :)  But the way he KNEW me, humbled me daily.  Bryan looked past my outwardly and obvious strengths, my very very apparent weaknesses, past my hurt, my blustering, my doubts, my fears. For twenty-five years he saw me as MORE than....he saw things that I couldn't and stuff that I didn't even believe about myself yet. This was so POWERFUL to me as a wife. 

But Babe, what does this look like now? I'm a single mom, the sole provider. This job is my safety net, guaranteed, with health insurance, and 20 years experience. I can't imagine doing anything new...without you here cheering me on, your constant encouragement and support. Holding me when I cry because I'm scared to fail or take the next step. Speaking truth over me as the enemy's arrows try to pierce my heart. Please don't hold me to this RIGHT NOW!!! It's too big to do without you by my side. 

In my prayers I let God know all these reasons why the timing just wouldn't work; too many unknowns, not enough energy, too broken, no strength or capacity to even consider change of this magnitude after the last year.  My Jesus gently responded with "Kimberley, do you trust me?" and loudly shouted,  "I AM YOUR SAFETY NET!"

So for the first time in 10 years I did not sign my teaching contract. God has released me and closed that door.....the responses are falling into three categories:

1) Yeah....that makes sense.

2) Hmmm.... what is she going to do?

3) Oh dear she really has no plan...she has lost her mind.

I can't answer many questions because I don't have many answers but I can tell you that I am at peace and confident. With the prayers of my husband covering me and the perfect faithfulness of my Jesus...I say, Let's do THIS! What's next?

"Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God." Psalm 20:7

 

Summer of Healing

This summer we didn’t go anywhere tropical or on a trip of a lifetime. We don’t have pictures to post all over Facebook about fun adventures or amazing places visited. Yet, this summer has been one of the most powerful, impactful, and life-changing that Bryan and I have ever had. It is hard to put into words. I can't really do it justice because our experiences haven’t been about good information but supernatural transformation. Now that I look on the past year, I know God has been getting us ready, preparing us, for these divine appointments with Him.

This summer has been about healing ...healing our hearts where we didn't even know there were wounds. Digging down to the places buried deep in the corners where unforgiveness had taken root, hidden by those fortified walls we build to protect us from hurt, and releasing it all at the feet of His throne. Wow! This was so freeing but yet not easy....roots are often strong and entrenched, not wanting to give up their hold with just a gentle tug! There was a cost and an emptiness that had to be replaced with the love of God by the power of the Holy Spirit.

...healing our trust that God does indeed have a plan and a purpose for Tucson! That this desert will not be spiritually dry forever. The time is coming when He will saturate the land with living streams of water that will restore, renew, and refresh the territory that belongs to Him!

...healing us of an unnatural heaviness that weighed down our shoulders physically and our souls spiritually. Jesus says in Matthew 11:30, "For my yolk is easy and my burden is light." We had to honestly search our hearts where we had taken up yolks that were not ours to carry. We had to confess doing things in our own strength and relying on our skills rather than in Him.

This summer has been about discovery of the POWER of prayer that went beyond what we could ever imagine. Not our usual small mamby-pamby prayers of checklists and begging for things we want. The kind of strategic and specific prayer that comes from being connected to His Spirit that unleashes the fullness of His power! Prayer that expects mountains to move, chains to break, and the darkness to bow because of the Great I AM!

We discovered the gifts that God has given us with His Holy Spirit. Gifts that are not often talked about in most churches or are surrounded by confusion because they seem weird. The gifts of wisdom, great faith, special messages, discernment, miraculous acts, prophecy, healing, unknown languages, and interpretation of these unknown languages. (1 Cor 12:-10) God has a toolbox of gifts for us to use and we walk around carrying a little lunch box. Maybe the power tools of the Spirit are scarier, misused or misunderstood so we just don't bother to talk about them. But Bryan and I got to experience what true unity and a oneness looks like with a group of believers all working together in their gifts and it was amazing! Now that we have tasted this, we crave it.

God also gave us REST this summer....not the kind we try to get on a vacation or a day off but rest IN Him! We can find rest in His word, in His presence, in His power... whenever we spend time with Him. This kind of rest fills our soul like nothing else this world has to offer! Our creator longs for a relationship with us. Not a check-in when we think about it or when we are desperate; but a vibrant, active, on-going, real connection to Him. All we have to do is ask!

Healing, discovery, and rest...not usually on our bucket lists. Can't make a photo book about it. Won't get many likes on social media....but really how are we living without these?

"With my whole heart, with my whole life, and with my innermost being, I bow in wonder and love before you, the holy God! Yahweh, you are my soul’s celebration. How could I ever forget the miracles of kindness you’ve done for me? You kissed my heart with forgiveness, in spite of all I’ve done. You’ve healed me inside and out from every disease. You’ve rescued me from hell and saved my life. You’ve crowned me with love and mercy. You satisfy my every desire with good things. You’ve supercharged my life so that I soar again like a flying eagle in the sky!" Psalm 103:1-5 Passion Translation 

Daughter, Don't Compare!

My 17 year old daughter is sharing her testimony. On her public high school campus. For the first time ever. Tomorrow. Of course I am proud of her. And yes this is amazing for so many reasons. One being she has been terrified most of her life with speaking in front of people to the point she would almost make herself sick at just the thought. So this is HUGE!

But more importantly, how about the fact that she will be taking a stand for her faith in the midst of her peer group! For her to have the courage to not be ashamed of loving Jesus even though it is not popular blows my mind. Because at her age, I was more into what I wore to school, who I was dating, and did I fit in!

As she is writing out what she is going to say, she turns to me, "Mom, I am starting to have doubts because my story isn't as 'loud' as some of the other students. Theirs is more dramatic. I know I am not supposed to compare but it's hard not to. I have to go last and what if nobody listens"

My precious, precious daughter how do I tell you with words that you are enough! Your journey with Jesus is unique and beautiful and YOURS! Don't listen to the lies of the enemy that your story is small. Don't get trapped in the cycle of comparison that you don't measure up. Start with the blessings of having a stable family. Tell them that you have known God all your life. Tell them that your life verse is 2 Timothy 1:7.  

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline."

Tell them your faith was tested in a big way, January 31, 2017 when you entered the hospital and didn't come out for 3 days after you were diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. Tell them that this verse is imprinted on your heart and you live by it daily because you are thankful that you woke up! Tell them that the reason you are up here in front of them is because your faith is now stronger than your fear!!! 

Lakin, remember you are talking to an audience of ONE! God doesn't care if your story is loud or if there is only 3 people in the crowd. It matters more that you are sharing it and giving Him the glory! Keep saying YES to Him daughter! Keep trusting Him with all your heart, mind, and soul! The power doesn't come in the drama it comes in His never-ending, extravagant LOVE FOR YOU!

Mercy Me!

Last night we went to the Mercy Me concert as a family. The kids were not super excited, "Mom, they are like 40 year old men!" I almost gave in and sold their tickets, but I just had a feeling we were supposed to go together. Doubt crept in again as we argued about taking a picture with all of us and everyone was complaining about how hungry they were. As we settled down and the music started, all three seem to be enjoying themselves and at least were nodding their heads. They even got up, clapped their hands, and danced around laughing. Towards the end, I began to worry about the time, how late it was, what our crazy week looked like coming up, and questioned whether we should leave early.

The lead singer, Bart Millard, was talking and letting us know the "curse" of a songwriter was that usually songs were written out of a painful experience he had just gone through. The last one he was introducing was called, "Even If". This song was THE ONE I had been waiting for! We couldn't leave until I heard it! The words have really spoken to me during this whole journey with Lakin. I have wept many times, cried out to God, and worshiped Him while listening to it. 

Bart explained that this song came out of frustration when he knows God can heal, he knows God can fix something...but doesn't. It was written after he had a really bad day, because he just had gotten done at the doctor's office with his son who has Type 1 Diabetes!!! He was upset about how all-encompassing his son's chronic illness is and how it touches every part of their lives. 

Type 1 Diabetes? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? That is what he just came out of his mouth? That song, my song, came from this guy's struggles with his son's T1D? I snapped my head around and looked at Lakin, she said, "Can you believe it?" I leaned over into Bryan's arm and just started sobbing. Not necessarily tears of sadness but overwhelmingly filled with so many emotions. THIS is the reason we are here tonight! We are NOT alone. She is not alone! She had to hear from the stage, surrounded by thousands of other people, that her fight will be alongside MANY others. This disease does not care how much money you have, what color your skin is, how old you are, or who your dad is! It is relentless. But it doesn't mean the God who controls the universe and created you doesn't care or has left you behind. 

Thank you God for reminding me that there are no such things as coincidences and Team Lee was right where they should have been last night!

Even If (parts of) by Mercy Me

"You've been faithful, You've been good

All of my days

Jesus, I will cling to You

Come what may

‘Cause I know You're able

I know You can

I know You're able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

I know the sorrow, I know the hurt

Would all go away if You'd just say the word

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

It is well with my soul

It is well, it is well with my soul" 

Hospital Stay

Watching your child lay in a hospital bed hooked up to a mess of wires is beyond hard, unimaginable even. This little human who you vowed to love and protect, since the moment you laid eyes on them, seem to get swallowed up by the white sheets and beeping machines. Nurses and techs come in and out, checking vitals, asking questions, talking medical jargon like we should be on board, all caught up, used to the idea that Lakin has this chronic illness.

I felt beyond hopeless. As her parent, I should be able to fix things, change the outcome, or make it all better! I wanted to jump into the bed, take her place, and yank this awful disease from her. Please God, let it be me! I should be the one! I would trade places with her in a heartbeat!

I had not slept in over 29 hours. I was coming down with a cold. I could not stop crying. I couldn't eat and felt sick to my stomach. I am a big girl and getting food down has never been a problem. But everything tasted like sawdust and was sticking in my throat; I gagged on a simple muffin and a banana. Well-meaning people kept telling me, "Kimberley you are strong, you will get through this, at least you have Bryan, it will get easier, they have made so many medical advances"..........I couldn't clearly hear or process everyone's words. It was as if I was swimming under water. Muffled sounds. It reminded me of Charlie Brown's teacher talking to him, "Wah. Wah. Wah. Wah."

I am not strong! I can't handle this! Not this, not Lakin, not now! I want to wake up and pray this is all a dream, or actually a nightmare. If I close my eyes and then open them again, I will be lying in bed with Bryan, praising Jesus because it wasn't real! It's not real. Right?

After 12 hours in the hospital, I met a nurse with a syringe in her hand, going into Lakin's room. I stop her and ask her what she is doing. She talks to me like you would a 2 year-old, "Ma'am I am giving her insulin." What? What are you taking about? We haven't seen a doctor since we came up from the ER. We haven't heard an official diagnosis from a medical professional or talked about the game plan.

The nurse decides talking S-L-O-W-E-R will help me understand her, "This is her long-lasting insulin which the doctor ordered for us to give her."

"Well, then that doctor can come talk to us and help our daughter understand what is happening rather then walking in here and injecting a drug in her that she is not familiar with. My husband isn't here and I am going to need more information before we take this step. Since I actually know she doesn't HAVE to have it right now, how about we wait! Just because this isn't new to you, this is life-changing for her and us, we are going to need a little bit more understanding and grace from you!"

"So no shot?"
'No! Don't go near her yet. You haven't even checked her sugar in hours. "

An eye roll and a tut later, the nurse backs off and says, "O-K-A-Y....." This would be the beginning of many issues we would have to advocate for our daughter during her stay. Like in any job, there are amazing people and some that should choose a different career field. We had to be constantly aware and vigilant about everything taking place with Lakin's care, even if we were exhausted, sick, and devastated. It was not enough to believe that since we were in a hospital to just let the professionals take care of all the details. Come to find out many mistakes and misunderstandings can take place in this setting.

At night I would lay there listening to Lakin breathe, watching her chest rise and fall. I was fighting to gain perspective and give praise for all the blessings that were still happening in the midst of all the heartache. To be honest, one minute this was easy and the next I was sinking into sorrow! I was all over the place emotionally. I cried out to God, "Lord, I am struggling but thank you that Lakin is alive! Thank you for giving us another day! Thank you that this is not worse and will be something she will be able to 'manage'."

The lead nurse kept asking me if I was ready to give her a shot because Lakin couldn't leave until both parents had shown they could do it without help. I am not scared of shots, needles, or pain for MYSELF!!! When it comes to my children it is a whole different ball game! No, please don't make me push a needle into my daughter. It will make it too real. I waited until the last minute and the nurse congratulated me for being only the 2nd mom to not cry. What she didn't know was that I was all cried out by this time and working on being completely numb to everything. :(

As for Lakin, she went from being terrified of any kind of needles to a little over 12 hours later giving herself her own shots. She was AMAZING, with learning about all her new medications, equipment, and nutrition changes to calculating her carbohydrates and sugar correction ratios. (Lots of math) I saw her pull from strength deep within and process all the information being thrown at her with a dignity and poise far beyond her years. She kept her sense of humor and made jokes at her own expense to help others cope with what was going on. The night she got out of the hospital she went home, took a shower and showed up at her high school basketball game. 

We had over 65 visitors; stop by to give their love and support of her and our family. We were overwhelmed by the generosity, kindness, and prayers of our community. The flowers, balloons socks, coloring books, ice teas, food, phone calls, Facebook posts, smiles, and hugs truly got us through these difficult days. It kept us busy and distracted to not have to focus on the "chronic diagnosis" Never once did we feel we were all alone or not cared about! It was so important to feel connected to our "people" while going through a storm than to drown in isolation.

While I would not wish a hospital stay or illness for any child, we have become closer as a family and a community! When Bryan and I couldn't stand by ourselves our family and friends came and held us up until we could get our legs back underneath us. The prayers have helped shine light and clear away the fog and numbness of our hearts and minds. I also believe without a shadow of doubt that beauty will keep rising out of all these trials. I know that God's glory will reign and that He has a plan for my daughter's life to LIVE BIG!

"Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory. We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love." Romans 5:2-5

She Wasn't Even Sick!!

On January 31, 2017 my world stopped turning. Flipped upside down. When I crawled into bed that night hoping to get some sleep, I had no idea that our family's normal would be completely changed a few hours later. We had just returned from dinner, where we actually had a fun time laughing and joking with each other. We came home, did homework, packed lunches, and talked about when Lakin was going to take her driver’s test. At 10:00 PM instead of counting sheep, my husband and I were on our way to the Emergency Room with our sixteen year old daughter. It wasn't because she seemed sick. She didn't have a fever, a stomachache, a cough, bleeding, or anything else you might think would send us out in the middle of the night. 

Everyone keeps asking the question, "How did you guys know?"  Well we didn't, kind of....

A couple of weeks before this, Lakin made the comment after school, "Mom I am so thirsty! I ran out of water at school and my lips are really dry too." I told her to get something to drink and put Aquaphor on, it cures everything.

Nothing should have triggered me. It is completely normal for a teenager to have dry lips and be thirsty, in January, when it is cold outside. She also had just gotten her braces off and was fitted for her retainers. It made sense that adjusting to wearing these were causing these symptoms. But for some reason my heart did a little flip. I looked at her and said in a very casual way, "What if you have diabetes?" She got mad at me of course, like a usual hormonal 16 year old girl. My husband even told me that was not funny. Bad joke.

I felt silly for saying it out loud and had no idea where that thought came from. But I couldn't stop the unsettling feeling that something wasn't right. I decided to watch to see if she got up in the middle of the night to go pee a lot, which is another sign of diabetes. She didn't! Not once. So I chalked it up to being an over-reactive mom with a slight bent towards hypochondria :)

A few days later she went over to a friend's house after school. She said she fell asleep and took a nap. I asked her if she was feeling okay. She said she just felt a little tired and had a headache. But again, she had stayed up late the night before studying for a test and had started her period which always puts her in a whole different category of crazy!

There was an explanation for every symptom and none of these were major enough to set off alarms bells. Mild headache, thirsty after school, and a little more tired and cranky. That describes every teenager I know!

What made us think we should take her to the ER? That night, after we all were tucked in ready to go to bed, Lakin came into our room and bounced on our bed. She looked fine on the outside, cheeks were rosy, and she definitely wasn't "acting" sick. "Hey guys I am really thirsty and really hungry." My first thought was, "Well eat snack, get a drink, and go to bed."

But my stomach dropped. My mind started spinning and retracing the past few weeks, something is not adding up. She just ate a big meal. She shouldn't be hungry. She is thirsty but not peeing more so it doesn't make sense. Denial set in almost immediately. It doesn't seem too abnormal, does it? This isn't what diabetes looks like! She would be sicker right? Lakin hasn't even gone to the regular doctor in over 12 years, she is never ill!

"Lakin, go get your dad's meter we need to check your sugar." I could see it in her eyes. She knew something was off. I started praying or actually begging, "Please God, don't let this be diabetes. Please God, don't let this be true. NOT HER! NOT NOW! NOT EVER! Don't do this...."

Yes, the reason we had a meter at home is because her dad has been a Type 1 diabetic since he was 11 years old. But please don't be tempted to think, "Well they should have been prepared because of Bryan." We were not. When Bryan and I first got together the statistics were less than 12% of him passing it on to any children we might have, if at all. It is an auto-immune disease with no clear answer as to why the body attacks itself. Is it caused by a virus? Genetics? The environment?  She had made it to 16. I thought we were in the clear! 

The first time we checked her sugar Bryan said the meter wasn't working and he had to do it again. I knew, he wasn't telling the truth. I saw his face change slightly with a seriousness and concern. He checked it a second time. The number came back.... it read 472. What does that mean? Well, the normal person's blood sugar is between 70-140. Is there another explanation or reason for having a number this high? No. It is like being pregnant. If the two lines are there, you are pregnant. You can't kind of be. Either you are or you are not. The same with sugars. To read this high you are diabetic. Your body is not producing enough insulin to keep it in check.

With tears in my eyes, I quietly told Lakin she probably had Type 1 diabetes and she needed to go get dressed. We had to go to the ER. We gathered her in our arms to pray for courage and strength to deal with this. I felt time had stopped and went into survival mode. I had to be strong for her but inside I was dying and so confused! What do we do? Who do we call? What is the next step? Why her? Haven’t I given you enough God? My mind scrolled through all the Bible verses I have hidden in my heart over the years, but I couldn't find the comfort I was desperate for! My daughter was just diagnosed with a chronic illness that would affect every part of her for the rest of her life! I didn't want cliches thrown at me no matter how heart felt they were, I was pissed and devastated! Nothing made sense anymore…

NUMB! I Can't Even...

God speaks to me when I write. It usually is intensely intimate and emotional. Every word typed is clouded with tears of joy, hope, praise, prayers, lesson learned, and often heartache. It leaves me very vulnerable and extremely raw. A month ago, our world turned upside down with our daughter's diagnosis of Type 1 Diabetes. There are so many thoughts, emotions, and struggles that I am fighting with, so many stories to tell. I feel God trying to get me to the place to write it all out. 

BUT I DON"T WANT TO! I am basically putting my fingers in my ears and refusing to go there. I just want to stay NUMB! I can't deal with these overwhelming feelings that are threatening to consume me. I am just trying to survive...day by day, sometimes moment by moment. Keep busy. Stick to my routines. Take care of the kids, the house, the schedules, the church, and work. Don't stop. Don't slow down. Don't think too much or dwell too long on anything. I am not ready to truly go there with you God! I can't even.....

I have always said that transparency is attractive but these next few posts might not seem that way to many of you. I am working out my faith publicly, not because I want to, I would rather struggle privately, but sharing this very personal journey, might help others see that life is far from perfect but God's promises and truths will get us through no matter what. Even when we don't have the courage or strength to handle any of it. 

I Have This Hope by Tenth Avenue North

As I walk this great unknown

Questions come and questions go

Was there purpose for the pain?

Did I cry these tears in vain?

I don't want to live in fear

I want to trust that You are near

Trust Your grace can be seen

In both triumph and tragedy

I have this hope

In the depth of my soul

In the flood or the fire

You're with me and You won't let go

But sometimes my faith feels thin

Like the night will never end

Will You catch every tear

Or will You just leave me here?

But I have this hope

In the depth of my soul

In the flood or the fire

You're with me and You won't let go

So, whatever happens I will not be afraid

Cause You are closer than this breath that I take

You calm…

Recycled!

In the US we are pretty good about recycling. In 2009, Americans recycled 82 million tons of materials.(kab.org) We go to thrift stores for clothing, shoes, and costumes that might have barely been worn. We try to find old furniture to renovate turning something old and trashy into something new and relevant. Most of us love pitching in to do our part to save the earth to cut down on waste. 

I think God is kind of like that too. He loves to recycle. He knows that we live in a broken, sinful world that causes pain and destruction all around. He knows life can be hard and some of us have been hurt... terribly. Instead of saying, "Oh just forgive and forget or that's what you get.." He says, "My precious, precious child. I am so sorry that this has happened. Every tear you cried was noticed. Every bad choice I grieved because I knew the consequences would be damaging. The wounds you have collected that seem so ugly now...I will cover them with the blood of my son. I will hold you in my arms surrounded by my perfect love until you believe that I love you just the way you are, SCARD and all. I will take what the devil is using to keep you fearful, ashamed, condemned and make you "beautiful" again. You are mine, bought, redeemed, and LOVED!"

God doesn't WASTE a hurt. When we are healed and transformed through His grace and mercy, we can point others struggling with the same issues to Him.
His glory shines through when we REFUSE to let our past define us and instead use our trials, tribulations, baggage, and sin to HELP and COMFORT others. 

The other day, I sat in front of a 23 year female lost in confusion because of the way she had been living her life the last few years. She confessed to feeling like she was a bad person who is unworthy, unlovable, and just a mess. I smiled and with tears in my eyes said, "At your age I felt exactly that same way. And the person who is sitting before you today is living proof that God TRANSFORMS lives and uses EVERYTHING for His glory. Trust in Him and someday you will be on this side of the table. I promise!" 

God "recycles" those who follow Him.

"All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us." 2 Corinthians 1:4

Broken Girl

“Our culture has accepted two huge lies. The first is that if you disagree with someone’s lifestyle, you must fear or hate them. The second is that to love someone means you agree with everything they believe or do. Both are nonsense. You don’t have to compromise convictions to be compassionate.” R. Warren

I am not part of the liberal left and I would detest ever be called the religious right. One accepts everything and can compromise accountability, the other closely resembles the Pharisees that loved the rules but not people. I don't want to be trapped by any of these ideologies that seem to stand on platforms of rhetoric rather than actually making a difference in the world. I am uncomfortable how many have bought into the idea that "the war" will be won in the political realm and not in the HEARTS of the people. 

Politics will not answer the "cry for help". The church that Jesus left behind should be the ones to step in to show the world the power of God's love, grace, mercy, kindness, gentleness, and humility. In the midst of all these horrible tragedies, the body of Christ should stand up and act like the one who created them is in CHARGE! Because of His glory, beauty will rise from the ashes of evil. Hope will stamp out despair. Love will triumph over hate. 

We don't need more judgment, fear, laws, fighting over our opinions, or finger pointing!! We need a 'church' that will rally around the hurting, the lost, the outcasts, and the broken, to serve and comfort them.

Instead of being known by my political party, ethnic background, sexual orientation, career choices, financial bracket or membership in a religious group, I want to be known as a broken girl, living in a broken world trying to make a difference by loving others well. Not to be a great person but to serve a Great GOD! I want to stand on the example of Jesus who didn't argue with politicians, attend parades bashing others, listen to talk radio of fools, demand for more laws to be made, turn his nose at the less fortunate, brag about who his dad was, wear bumper stickers to show what he believed or constantly fight over "nonessentials". 

Instead, He walked around the earth telling everyone about God's love and washing the feet of others. Just because I am a Christian, please don't put me into ANY box, especially the ones that are so far away from the ACTUAL teaching of Jesus. Please don't judge God when I make mistakes or fail miserably at reflecting Him well. 

I am just a broken girl, living in a broken world trying to make a difference by loving others.

"If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing." 1 Cor 13:1-3

To Shave or Not to Shave?

The other day I got into the shower and shaved under my arms and one full leg before I realized that I had not taken the guard off the razor. Seriously!!!! Here I thought it was dull and that's why it was not getting close enough. But noooo, it was brand new! I was so distracted and busy that I was almost done with my task before I realized that something was wrong. What a waste of time! Frustrated and feeling pretty dumb, I did the mature thing.... I threw the razor down and refused to shave at all. There that will show it who is boss. You might be saying right now, "Kimberley? Really? You are fighting with an inanimate object? Sticking it to the razor?"

I began to think what other areas in my life are a bit off or not getting done right because of my busy schedule. We often pack our lives with anything and everything. Most of it with good intentions but are we missing the mark? Are our priorities where they should be? If we say yes to something we are saying no to something else because there is no way we can fit "IT" all in. I promise that there are only 24 hours in each day, no more, no less. Let my yes be yes and my no be no but what should I be focusing on? How do I know what comes first? "God, you do realize that I work full time, I'm still in school, have three kids, a pastor for a husband, and mentor others?" I don't know what to put on the chopping block. Many times I just throw up my hands and quit because it becomes overwhelming!

"Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God." Colossians 3:1-3

God's answer...."Kimberley, if you really took a look at your schedule you would realize that some things are merely distractions to get you off track. One of your enemy's biggest tools is to keep you running around like a chicken with your head cut off, so busy, you are doing nothing well. Start each day with praying, "God, show me your ways. Today is the day you have made. Not only will I rejoice and be glad in it, I will obey and listen to your spirit about what you want me to accomplish. Set my heart on your will for my life not my to do list."

That night I was lying in bed with my son and he puts his feet on my legs and says, "Gross mom, your legs feel like a prickly cactus." Yeah, I really stuck it to that razor didn't I?

Rotten Meat

A couple of years ago I sent Bryan to the store with a list of groceries to get. He likes the list to be very specific so he doesn't mess up. When he came home and we started unpacking the bags, I asked him where the pot roast was. "Honey, did you get the meat?" He of course was defensive, "Of course I got it. I followed the list to a T." We went through every bag, looked in the car, and around the house. We even called the store to see if he left it at the checkout. The pot roast was nowhere to be found. Although we were perplexed about where it went, we felt we had given enough effort in trying to track down. Case closed.

A few days later we noticed a distinct foul smell in the car. It stunk. We blamed our middle son's shoes. We blamed the petrified chicken nugget lost in the seats. But by the end of the week the smell was unbearable. Maybe a small animal crawled in and died without us knowing. Bryan fed up with our car smelling like death, decided to investigate further. About a half hour into tearing apart the Excursion, he came into the house holding his nose and a plastic bag. "Kimberley, I found the pot roast!" Seven days in hundred degree weather plus baking inside our closed vehicle, equals one horrible smell!!!!


Sin is kind of like that too. The longer you ignore it the more it starts stinkin'. You might give a little effort in trying to seek out the sin that's rotting away, maybe look under a few car seats, give a halfhearted attempt in searching out the root cause. You might also try to place blame on someone else, like we did on Landen's shoes or the chicken nugget. "I wouldn't be doing these things if so and so______(fill in the blank). You may call a few people for help or justification. Trust me you can always find someone else to agree with you that your sin is not that bad. Finally, most of us just give up. Breaking the cycle of sin is hard. It becomes easier to accept the sin in our lives and pretend that it really doesn't smell. But just like the pot roast, sin left unattended starts stinking up.... our souls. "For the wages of sin is death.." Romans 6:23. 

This can't be more explicit, the intent is pretty clear. Sin equals death. There is no way around it. There is no way to stick our head in the sand and pretend it won't happen to us. There is no way to escape the consequences. Sin separates us from the one who created us.

What do we do? How can we be reunited with God? The answer? Jesus.

^"For we know that our old self was crucified with him so that the body ruled by sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves to sin—because anyone who has died has been set free from sin." Romans 6:6-7. 

He came to set us free so we are no longer slaves to our sin. But you must choose. You cannot serve two masters. Either you are living in your sin and doing nothing about it or you are living in the victory and power of Jesus. 

"Don’t you realize that you become the slave of whatever you choose to obey? You can be a slave to sin, which leads to death, or you can choose to obey God, which leads to righteous living." Romans 6:10-11

Footprints

"Some people come into our lives, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never the same." -Franz Peter Schubert

I saw this quote in a magazine and it stopped to make me think....who has left a footprint on my heart? And am I leaving footprints on someone else's heart? What exactly does this really mean? A footprint is a mark left by, an impression made for purposes of identification, an impact on the environment.
Take that and apply it to our relationships. When we get together with friends, family, co-workers, strangers what kind of impression are we making? I am not talking about looking picture perfect, acting like we have it all together or saying all the "right" things. When a person walks away from you what do they leave with? In our house, we have a saying that when someone leaves we want them to be less alone, less hurt then when they came. Sometimes this is hard. Sometimes I just don't feel like it, I am too busy, I am a mess myself, I don't have much left over for others. Then I remember, people before projects..give until it hurts, then give some more. 
I also want to be identified by my footprint. I want the love that has been given to me by Jesus to be steadfast in whom I am. The marks I leave on people's heart would come from Him and not me. I want my impact on this world to be more than recycling. I want to make a difference not to get gold stars, tax breaks, or a plaque but because of the sacrifice on the cross.
I don't want my footprints to be like a bull in a china shop crashing around breaking things. I don't want to trample over people in the name of religion or beat someone with my beliefs. I want to live my life consistent with the One who gave me His. And I definitely think that it would be a travesty to be so focused inward that I never leave any footprints.
Are you leaving footprints on people's heart? Are you stomping on them with boots? Are you not even leaving a trace of who you are?

"Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others." Philippians 2:3-4

Bed, Bath & Beyond on Good Friday!

I ran into Bed, Bath & Beyond to pick up a blanket and was in a rush because Bryan had to get to work. I ran over to the check-out clerk and just wanted her to hurry up so I could get home. As she is ringing me up she asks, "Do you celebrate Easter?" I said, "Yeah, I do." She then says, "I am not a religious person and I wonder what does Easter really mean?"

I looked up at her and froze! All the theology I had ever learned and Christian 101 flashed through my mind... this is my moment and I couldn't figure how to get it out! The old guy behind me was tapping his foot and giving me a dirty look. A whisper....."Kimberley, testify to what you know."

"Easter is important to us because we believe Jesus died on the cross for our sins on Friday and rose from the dead on Sunday."

The cashier paused and exclaimed, "That's what I thought but wasn't sure. I grew up in Texas where it was shoved down my throat so I am really not that into it, you know."

I replied, "Well, my husband is a pastor at the church right down the street. At 5:00 on Sunday nights we meet. It's your age group and we won't shove anything down your throat. Maybe you could come check it out?"

She said, "Maybe I will."

I got into my car a little shook up. "God, did I say the right thing? Did I represent who you are? Did I even make sense? There is so much more I wanted to share! Do you think she will come to church?" I drove home listening to KLOVE and I started crying, crying because that is what Easter is about.

Easter is about sharing the Good News. The news that Jesus Christ came for everyone, not in judgment, not to condemn but to save the world through Him. My words were not close to perfect, they were not profound, they probably didn't inspire the check-out girl. But I was able to get out the basics and invite her to experience more. Maybe I should go back next week to that store:)

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. John 3:16-17

Generations X, Y, Z

   
Many times as adults we look at the generation behind us and roll our eyes. "They are so ungrateful, entitled, and rebellious", we utter in disgust. "They want everything right now. We actually had to work for our stuff", we say in judgment. "These kids are so much worse than we were at their age, just look at what they are wearing."

Really? Are they worse than the teenagers that followed Elvis or the hippies of the 60's or the free love ones from the 70's? Why do we focus on all the negative traits? What would it look like if we invested in the lives of teenagers and young adults rather than blowing them off? What if we raised the bar and expected them to reach for it rather than put them down or wait expectantly for them to fail? Have we ever stopped to think that maybe, just maybe God creates the next generation to push back against all the things we have settled for? Maybe to give us a fresh look at "the church" we have watered down?

The song "Hosanna" by Hillsong United has a chorus that says,

"I see a generation 

Rising up to take their place

With selfless faith 

With selfless faith"

Every time I hear those words I cry. I become so choked up because I really believe this with all my heart. I have seen it with my own eyes. I personally know quite a few 20-somethings who fight against the norms of this world to remain pure until marriage no matter of the ridicule. I have heard 40,000 young adults raise up their voices in praise and not be ashamed of who they follow. I have watched teenagers earn thousands of dollars not to buy a car but to go on a mission trip to serve those who have nothing. These age groups are defying our mediocrity and search for the American Dream. They are hungry for transparency and the realness of the message of Jesus. They are not weighed down by our need for security or hung up on what you should wear to church or what church has to look like. I get it might come off as arrogance or even disrespect. But I have faith that God can use their passion for His son to start a revival even with their "attitudes".

I see a generation rising up to take their place with selfless faith! And I for one am going to cheer on, support and pray for their continued courage in spite of the way they go about it or if it makes me uncomfortable.

"They will receive blessing from the LORD and vindication from God their Savior. Such is the generation of those who seek him, who seek your face, God of Jacob." Psalm 24:5-6

Scars

I was looking down at my body and couldn't help but notice all the scars I had. I have one on my face from when I had the chicken pox as a baby. There is one on my lip from a really hot macaroni noodle during my poor days in college. I have a big one on my knee from trying to jump over a fence in Rocky Point and failing. On my hand there is still lead in it from a guy stabbing me with a pencil in the 5th grade. All these scars have stories behind them, memories of some kind of physical pain. 
     
This got me to thinking about all the scars you CAN'T see. The ones on my heart, the scars that have defined who I am, shaped my beliefs, stopped my dreams, or heightened my fears. They often were barriers to me finding joy by shutting out hope or doubting true love. These scars are deeper than the other ones, earned through intense emotional and sometimes physical pain. They do not heal easily and can cause issues for years. Sometimes they have festered with bitterness, unforgiveness, and anger. Sometimes I thought they were healed and am horribly surprised when they suddenly split open and bleed all over again. Band-Aids can't heal them, medicines or other fillers dull them temporarily, but inevitably the pain comes back, maybe even stronger than before.

When I accepted Jesus as my personal Lord and Savior one of the first things He did was confront the scars. 
"Kimberley, this heart belongs to me now...this is where the healing begins." Some scars He sealed with His grace and mercy. Others He completely replaced with His unfailing love and forgiveness. But quite a few, He painfully pulled off the scab and let the yuck flow out. This ALWAYS was extremely intense and I did not let go easily. 

He made me deal with my past, walk through the pain, and journey through the years of running and hiding from Him. He shined light into the darkest recess of my wounded heart which, out of self-preservation, I had locked up long ago. 

When I questioned His motives or cried out to Him in fear, He assured me not one of my tears was wasted, not one scar had gone unnoticed by Him. When I felt all alone or only saw "one set of footprints" He told me He was carrying me the whole time because the burdens were too heavy. Whenever I thought He really just didn't understand how hard these things are to deal with, how deep my pain goes, how I just can't open this one back up because the last time, I almost didn't make it.....

He puts out His hands and showed me His scars, the ones He received from the nails that pierced Him to the cross, for me. "Kimberley, I would never ask you to do something that I have not already experienced."

"But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was on him, and by his wounds we are healed." Isaiah 53:5

“He himself bore our sins” in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; “by his wounds you have been healed.” 1 Peter 2:24

Sweet..No. I Am Fighter!

One of the adjectives I have rarely been called is sweet. It just isn't a word that pops into mind when you think of me. I am not usually offended but I asked myself and a few others why? One person said, "Maybe if you didn't tell people tough things without them asking, you might be sweet." Ohhhh that will be a hard one. Someone else said, "I think the word you are looking for is outspoken not sweet." Uh Duh! Well, how does a sweet person act? What are the qualifications for being a sweetie? I do eat a lot of sugar maybe that will rub off on me?

I asked my husband if it bothers him that I am not sweet. He responded, "Kimberley, I know exactly where I stand with you. I never have to guess. You might not be sweet but you are passionate, loyal, and real." (Isn't he sweet?) Thank you honey but I am aiming for sweet.

So I went to God. God why didn't you make me sweet? Was I sleeping on the day that gene was passed out? Do you think I can try real hard and become this?  "Kimberley, I do not make mistakes. You were created in my image. I knew you before you were born. I numbered the hairs on your head. Why are you caught up on this label? They are definitely some things in your personality you need to work on but not this one. I created you to be a fighter."
     
Huh? My husband gets to be sweet and I am a fighter? That just seems wrong! 

"Kimberley, if you were not a fighter you would not have been able to fight your family's past. You would not have been able to fight becoming enslaved to alcohol or drugs or trapped in the cycle of bitterness. You wouldn't have been able to fight your way out of an abusive relationship.  You fought to marry someone different than your dad. You fought to have the marriage I created for you. You fought to protect your children from negative relationships. You still fight for the lives of the people you mentor. If you were not a fighter maybe you wouldn't have fought through all your doubts to fall in love with my son." 

Be humble, be gentle, be kind, love others well, but do not ever forget that we are in the midst of a war for our families, our marriages, our cities, our country, and for humanity.  For this girl, sweet might not cut it right now, if ever!

 "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful." Psalms 139: 13-14

Can U Hear Me Now?

People often ask me, "Kimberley how do you know God is speaking to you?" or they say, "God just doesn't speak to me." When I answer the first question I don't have a lot of theological jargon to back me up. I also don't give a how to blog or step-by-step process that will give them a "better chance". How do I hear God? Well, I hate to state the obvious but the Bible is a big one for me. I don't open it as often as I should, but sometimes when I am reading it the words just come alive! I come across a verse that shoots like an arrow straight to my soul. Like the verse in Psalms 18:2

The LORD is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety. 

That speaks straight to my heart. God is saying, "Kimberley I am your strength when you are wounded and scared, come to me. I will protect you. I am your safe place."

In James 3:9-10 "With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse human beings, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers and sisters, this should not be."

In this verse, God is telling me to shut my mouth. When I talk about others it dilutes my praises to him. 

In Matthew 6:34 it says, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." 

If you read that what do you think God is saying? Yep! DO NOT Worry! So if we are honest with ourselves much of the bible is pretty clear on what God wants from us. Yes there are parts that are harder to understand. The whole book of Revelation boggles my mind. Yes, there are parts that people have been arguing over for generations. 

But the Bible is the living word of God. It is his spoken words and meant for us to actually use to get to know him better. When you are interested in someone you tend to try to find out everything you can about that person. The same with God. If you want to know him. Read his words. He will speak to you through them. It is up to you to listen!

TO BE CONTINUED>>>>> Part 2 of How I hear God tomorrow!

New Year

 It's January 1st the New Year has begun! It's time to make Resolutions and actually stick to them. I need to lose weight, eat healthier, exercise, be a more loving wife, a better mom, keep my house cleaner, organize things, not procrastinate, read my Bible more, pray more, do a family devotion, try not to be so loud....holy moly my list of things I need to work on is looong! I am exhausted and overwhelmed just thinking about trying to accomplish one of these things much less two or more. Which one should I start with? Which ones are most important? Should I rank them? Maybe this is really a ten year plan? AAAGH! 

You know what? I don't follow through with resolutions anyway, by March I have lost my motivation. Who am I kidding by the second week in January I am done. I am not going to begin any of this when failure is so imminent! Right? Right?

    "Kimberley, stay connected. Stay connected to me. I am a jealous God don't put your idols ahead of me." (Deut. 4:24)

God, I do not see any golden calves around here. I think I am good. 

"Kimberley do not put your husband before me (God, he is really awesome though), nor your children (but they are my heart), not your family, your work, your ministry, your scrapbooking...I should come first. Clean your heart and thoughts before having pride in a clean house. Your body is my temple make sure it glorifies me and not the images of this world. Your best is but filthy rags before my feet. Don't try harder running in circles and in all different directions. Stay connected to me at all times and I will direct your path. (Proverbs 3:5-6) Give me your heart, your mind, and your soul and the other stuff will eventually fall into place. I am your creator and I designed you to have a relationship with me...without me you can do nothing. (John 15:5)

WHOA! I am thinking the first thing on my list should be a real, active, life-giving relationship with God. He calls me by name, knows my heart, and loves me no matter what. I don't have to earn his love or be the best at anything for him to notice me. If I don't get this part right all the other items on my list are about me.... not the one who gave me his son.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." Hebrews 12:1-3