THIS IS ME!!

The other day a friend made a comment to me, that some people probably couldn't "handle" me. I just laughed it off thinking whatever, probably true.  But today I was doing my quiet time and I thought, "Hmmm what am I agreeing to when I hear that?" 

What lies do I attach to that statement? Am I too much? Not enough? Too this or too that? Do I need to act differently around others, according to their personal tastes? Do I minimize myself so I can make my personality more digestible for them? Is that what I would tell my daughter to do?

"Hey, Lakin, I don't want you to seem too confident, too sure of yourself, or be a strong leader because it might be hard for some people to "handle". So make it a point to know what everyone in the room likes and adjust yourself around that so you will be more liked."

Just thinking about saying those words to her gives me a stomach ache! I can't imagine anyone telling their son, "try not to be too strong today honey or in charge. It might be hard for others to be around you." Blah!!!

Don't get me wrong, I am not blind to my fussy habits or high maintenance traits. But at this point in my life, I am coming to believe THIS IS ME and I am kinda okay with it! Sure there are things I would like to get better at (I tried to lower my voice and sounded like Barry White with a cold) and of course God is constantly working on my heart. But let's be honest, if I am not your cup of tea, rather than try to change or poke at me, you can always make the choice to smile and walk away. No harm, no foul. 

More and more, I want to spend time with people who are FOR ME! Who want me to be the best Kimberley I can be! They see my faults, look past my mess, over my need for control on certain things, embrace my lack of cooking and technology skills, my fast talking, not completing sentences, and love me anyway! I want to hang out with people who won't find little ways to chip away at my self-worth and make me feel less than. They see my heart and know that there is more to me than my "strong" personality and mixed up sayings. (Fold like a piano or slick as a board could be real right?) 

Sometimes these friends will have to pull me aside and let me know, "Hey Kimberley, you missed the mark on that one or 'That did not come off like you wanted it to'. Feedback with intentional love and grace is invaluable!!

Sticks and stone will break my bones and WORDS can be just as devastating. My prayer is to try to look at people, as their own unique masterpieces, created by a loving Heavenly Father, who doesn't make mistakes. And if for some reason I can't, I can choose to just smile and walk away, not tear down. 

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:13-14.

What is Propel?

Many people are asking what Propel is all about? And it's actually hard to put into words. Is it a women's group? Yes, we are all ladies. Is it a Bible study? Kind of because everything we talk about is grounded in scripture. Do we chat in small groups and have food? Most definitely! Think taco bar :) But these descriptions skim the surface because they don't adequately give the full picture of what happens, what goes on, or what you feel when you leave...........Propel is just MORE!!!

Propel is a community that becomes stronger and stronger over time. 

You never leave the night thinking, "What a complete waste of time!" 

It's worth the 45 minute drive

leaving the dinner on the stove

the laundry undone

the family complaining

It's time for you to recharge

to just be you

to breathe

to be seen!

Propel is friendships 

sharing laughter and tears 

heartache and fears

letting go of the hurts and holding tight to the truths

Propel is being a part of something bigger than yourself

It's watching women transform in front of your eyes

Bursting out of cocoons into beautiful butterflies 

Spreading their wings

some flying for the first time

Propel is encouragement from others that you are enough

That you were created for a purpose to be lived

Have a passion within you waiting to be unleashed

A potential for you to possess, new mountains to climb

Propel is a hug that makes you know you are not alone

That you will always have a tribe, a herd of females

Making a circle around you when you are wounded

Stomping their feet in warning 

against those who would attack

Propel is different

we fight against the norms

Women can get along

cheer each other on

Complete not compete!

Propel is love

It is hope

It is possibilities

It is a home away from home! 

"I can’t tell you how much I long for you to enter this wide-open, spacious life. We didn’t fence you in. The smallness you feel comes from within you. Your lives aren’t small, but you’re living them in a small way. I’m speaking as plainly as I can and with great affection. Open up your lives. Live openly and expansively!" 2 Corinthians 6:11-13 (The Message)

About Last Night....

How can I describe last night? Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes and leaves me at a loss for words that would adequately paint the picture for those that were not there. But I have to try...because last night DEMANDS A RESPONSE!

On Tuesdays our Propel Women Tucson Group meets to encourage, uplift, and empower each other. We gather to eat, laugh, pray, share, and yes even cry, as we prove that women CAN get along, woman can be each other's cheerleaders and we are better together!

Last night, I had asked my new friend Marina Holland to share part of her journey with us. If you know her, she can be shy, quiet, and definitely not the one in the room that likes any attention. But last night, all eyes were on her as her story unfolded.

This is where my words fail me...I cannot give justice to what we experienced. From the moment Marina opened her mouth we were all captivated! Her breathtaking transparency and stark honesty seeped into our souls as she shared an unimaginable tragedy of pain and loss. There was an awe-inspiring beauty in her bravery and strength to relive even a small part of her darkest hours. The love on her face when she mentioned her only son Manny shined brightly through her eyes and smile! But the JOY that radiated from depths of her heart came out when she gave God ALL THE glory in the midst of circumstances that would slay the mightiest mama! No one should ever have to bury their child!

When she finished, the silence in the room was reverent. Our emotions were all over the place. Because her story was our worst fears played out but she also gave us an extraordinary HOPE of the unfailing and never-ending promises of our Savior. But....

Imagine if........ Marina didn't have a tribe to surround and help her through her grief? The loneliness and despair could have crushed her.

Imagine if......... Marina didn't push through being uncomfortable and terrified of speaking in front of people to share her son's story and legacy? We would not know that over 100 people were saved at his funeral!!!!

Imagine if........ her son didn't know Jesus? There would not be the blessed assurance of getting to see each other again!

Imagine if.........YOU never knew that God loves you so much that He wants to see you dancing and singing in heaven with Him, your family and friends for all of eternity!!

Last night was supernatural. It could only be described as an encounter with Jesus!! We are definitely better together and we are unstoppable with GOD!

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Cor 4:16-18

Daughter, Don't Compare!

My 17 year old daughter is sharing her testimony. On her public high school campus. For the first time ever. Tomorrow. Of course I am proud of her. And yes this is amazing for so many reasons. One being she has been terrified most of her life with speaking in front of people to the point she would almost make herself sick at just the thought. So this is HUGE!

But more importantly, how about the fact that she will be taking a stand for her faith in the midst of her peer group! For her to have the courage to not be ashamed of loving Jesus even though it is not popular blows my mind. Because at her age, I was more into what I wore to school, who I was dating, and did I fit in!

As she is writing out what she is going to say, she turns to me, "Mom, I am starting to have doubts because my story isn't as 'loud' as some of the other students. Theirs is more dramatic. I know I am not supposed to compare but it's hard not to. I have to go last and what if nobody listens"

My precious, precious daughter how do I tell you with words that you are enough! Your journey with Jesus is unique and beautiful and YOURS! Don't listen to the lies of the enemy that your story is small. Don't get trapped in the cycle of comparison that you don't measure up. Start with the blessings of having a stable family. Tell them that you have known God all your life. Tell them that your life verse is 2 Timothy 1:7.  

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline."

Tell them your faith was tested in a big way, January 31, 2017 when you entered the hospital and didn't come out for 3 days after you were diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. Tell them that this verse is imprinted on your heart and you live by it daily because you are thankful that you woke up! Tell them that the reason you are up here in front of them is because your faith is now stronger than your fear!!! 

Lakin, remember you are talking to an audience of ONE! God doesn't care if your story is loud or if there is only 3 people in the crowd. It matters more that you are sharing it and giving Him the glory! Keep saying YES to Him daughter! Keep trusting Him with all your heart, mind, and soul! The power doesn't come in the drama it comes in His never-ending, extravagant LOVE FOR YOU!

Why I Hated Church

I have often wrestled with why I had such a profound distaste for going to church in my teens and early twenties. There were so many reasons, I have come to the conclusion that I disliked the whole process, start to finish, from getting ready on Sundays to getting back in the car when church was over and everything in between. Why should I have to dress and wear only “church” clothes or things that were “church” acceptable (pantyhose were a must in my house and I knew for sure these were made by the devil himself). I had to act a certain way, pretend to like everyone else, so as not to stand out or call too much attention to myself. Different in church does not mean better it means different. Besides fitting in, I never really said what I was thinking or feeling. 

“How are you today Kimberley?” “Fine” or “Great” was my usual reply. God forbid I actually told them the truth. “”Right now life sucks. My alcoholic dad left again, my mom is off her rocker, and my sister is a basket case. I’m hurting, alone, angry and confused.” Can you just imagine their faces? The whispers behind my back? The judgment in their eyes? The awful clichés thrown back at me? God never gives you what you can't handle, The Lord turns bad into good, maybe you are not praying hard enough” Nope, everything is just fine. Then my family would get back into the car throw off the churchy stuff and start bickering right away, until next Sunday.

I felt the sins of my father, the sins of my family deeply. In these years I never encountered a personal relationship with Jesus and I learned church was a place for the fashion police, mean old people, fake smiles, teenagers playing their parents for fools and the ever creeping feeling that I would never be good at following all these rules. I decided I did not want to play this game anymore. Church became irrelevant at best a hurtful place at its worse. 

After years of avoiding church people at ALL COSTS Jesus came a knocking. I opened my heart to Him but not without a fight… I was angry…with Him! Where had He been? How could He have let certain things happen? Is He for real? Will He keep His promises? Because if He was the “church” I grew up with NO THANK YOU! I’ll take my chances with the world. At least I don’t expect much from it. 

Of course God met my anger with love. I came face to face with a real God, a real Jesus. Now, I can never accept less than the real thing! We want, no we crave, authentic relationships that surpass the normal superficial ones that people settle with. Let's fill our churches with deeper, meaningful, and genuine, believers willing to love wholeheartedly, not surface level!  

"He makes the whole body fit together perfectly. As each part does its own special work, it helps the other parts grow, so that the whole body is healthy and growing and full of love." Ephesians 4:16

She Woke Up!

Today, my daughter woke up! Seems to be a pretty normal thing for most kids right? But Lakin was diagnosed one year ago today with Type 1 Diabetes. There is always the danger with diabetics that their sugar goes so low overnight that they go into a coma. So every morning, my first thought, my first prayer is for her to wake up. It's always in the back of my mind, not focused on, but an unwanted, ever present, awareness that this is a horrible possibility.

January 31, 2017 is definitely a day we will never forget but I am not sure how to handle it. How do we acknowledge such a life changing event that wasn't cause for joy? How do we make it special but not weird? Do we celebrate? Throw a party? Ignore it all together?

I definitely don't know how to tread in these unfamiliar waters especially with a seventeen year old, almost adult, young lady. So I took the easy way out...I asked her! Her response was to start her own BLOG!!
Type 1 Of A Kind (https://lakinelise.wixsite.com )  will be launched today and I am amazed at how she is handling the stress of this disease. She has gone from being fearful of joining any club, leading groups, or speaking in public to becoming President of the Yearbook, Co-Leader of Bible Club, a member of Student Council, and educating other classes on Diabetes Care. Gone are the days of innocence where the most major thing she had to worry about was what to wear to school. She cares less about what people think of her and more about just being herself. She takes her faith a little more seriously and has to rely on prayer in a whole new way. She has this confidence that could only come from overcoming a great obstacle and walking through the fire.

As a mom and wife to diabetics, I would not wish this disease on anyone! But sometimes our worst circumstances turn into our greatest accomplishments. Sometimes the very things we feared can push us into doing more than we ever imagined we could do! So to you my precious, precious daughter...DREAM BIG! BE FEARLESS! BE YOU! and never forget you are the daughter of a mighty, mighty King! YOU ARE DEFINITELY ONE OF A KIND!

“I have learned courage is not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.” Nelson Mandela

"....because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." Romans 5:3-4

Is She Going to Make It?

 January 12, 2001. The doctor came in and mumbled, “I am sorry but the epidural is not going to work. We took it out, put it back in and sometimes these things just happen.” I could not process this information. Where in birthing class did they tell us this was a possibility? I signed up for an epidural! I am not ashamed to say I wanted pain medication. What do you mean not going to work? Is it broken? What’s the next step? Who is in charge? You are the head of anesthesiology? What do I do? 

“Ma’am, we can’t give you advice as what to do. We can only give you the facts.” Again, you are the head doctor and you can’t at least make an educated suggestion? Well how am I supposed to know what to do? I am in a lot of pain here in case you guys forgot that these are Pitocin contractions. Intense does not adequately describe this kind of pain!

I frantically looked into my nurse’s face and asked, “How bad is this going to get?” With tears streaming down her face she quietly whispered, “Much, much worse.” Ummm, the nurse crying was not very reassuring. In fact I am now completely freaked out!!! My mind was reeling with questions and doubts jumbled together with the relentless pain of the constant contractions. “I need everyone to leave the room.” The nurse protested. “We can’t do that. We have to continually check the monitors.” Again I said, “I need everyone to leave the room. I have to get myself together.” I am in delivery, with no epidural, I am not progressing, the nurse is crying, my husband is looking bewildered, and no one will tell me everything is going to be all right. What the heck does together really mean? I have to go to my source. My comforter. God is the creator right? I put on my headphones and slipped in the Third Day Offerings CD.(Remember a decade ago there were still CDs)

The song that was playing was "King of Glory"


“Who is this King of glory that pursues me with His love..” God this child was your idea, your plan. What is going on?

"And haunts me with each hearing of His softly spoken words..” I am freaked out right now.

"My conscience, a reminder of forgiveness that I need…” Is my baby going to be okay? I have become attached to her. I want this baby!! “

"Who is this King of glory who offers it to me..” I fell in love with her the moment I saw her heart beating on the sonogram screen.

"Who is this King of angels, O blessed Prince of Peace..” I do not feel peace right now. God I need you to show up.

"Revealing things of Heaven and all its mysteries..” You promised me ten years ago you would never let go. Right now I need you.

"My spirit's ever longing for His grace in which to stand” This is between me, you, and this baby. I have been faithful. I have followed you. Promise me my baby will be okay. Promise!!

"Who is this King of glory, Son of God and son of man” Did I mention that I am really, really, scared?

I lay there, my body screaming in agony with the life inside me demanding to come out. My legs were completely dead from the epidural. My left arm was in a cast from falling and breaking my elbow the day before. The other arm was hooked up to the blood pressure machine and had an IV line in it. My body was broken. It had let me down. With no arms or legs working, I felt helpless, defeated, wondering how on earth I was going to get my daughter out. I could hear my heart and the music pounding in my ears battling for my attention. My mind was racing in all different directions trying to wrap my brain around what was going on inside my body. “God, did I mention her name is Lakin?”

“His name is Jesus, precious Jesus” Kimberley, I gave you my precious son Jesus.

"The Lord Almighty, the King of my heart. The King of glory” I am your King, my glory will reign.

”Who is this King of glory with strength and majesty” I am your refuge, let me be your strength. Let me be your rock.

”And wisdom beyond measure, the gracious King of kings” Don’t you think I have a plan? Don’t you think I know what is going on?

”The Lord of Earth and Heaven, the Creator of all things” I am the creator, Kimberley. I knitted your daughter together in your womb. She is a gift from me. I love her more than you will ever know.

”Who is the King of glory, He's everything to me” I will you show you my glory. You and your daughter will be fine. Everything will work out. I have a plan for Lakin’s life. She has a purpose. She will be okay.

"The Lord of Earth and Heaven, the Creator of all things. He is the King of glory, He's everything to me”
Precious, precious Jesus like the song says, you are the Lord of heaven and earth, my creator, you are everything to me. I am sorry I doubted you. I can do all things through Him who gives me strength. Let’s do this!!

The nurse quietly slipped in to check the monitors. My husband followed behind her. All I needed was to look in his eyes to let him know I was in a better place. He nodded his head and said, “You ready?” Yeah, I am. I know everything will be all right. Our daughter will be okay.

The rest of Lakin’s delivery was very traumatic. My body never fully got ready for delivery. Her collarbone was caught on my pelvic bone and she was stuck in the birth canal. After three hours of excruciating pushing, things started going downhill. Her heart rate was dropping and I was exhausted with barely anything left. My doctor looked up and pierced me with her eyes. Very quietly, but with extreme firmness she said,” Kimberley you have got to get her out now!” She nodded to the nurse and muttered something. Again tears welled up in the corner of the nurse’s eyes. She glanced down at me shaking her head and said, “I am so sorry.” 

At that moment my doctor yelled push. The nurse jumped up, pushed her elbow and the force of her body into the top of my stomach. I grabbed her arm and through clenched teeth asked her what exactly was she doing. Pain seared through every part of my battered body, too fatigued to even fight back the assault coming from every direction. All of a sudden a red light started flashing, alarms went off and an army of people rushed into the room. I felt my daughter literally being ripped out of my body as I fell back against my pillows, slumped in physical devastation. Lakin was swiftly put into the arms of the specialists. My senses were heightened but I could barely muster the strength to utter the words, “Is she okay?"

Yes!! Yes!! She is fine! Her right arm is slightly limp because of the trauma of being forced out but everything else looks great. Congratulations Bryan and Kimberley, here is your daughter. 

Lakin Elise Lee, 8 pounds 13 ounces, 19 inches long. I looked in her eyes, kissed the top of her head, and inhaled her sweet baby fragrance. I whispered in her ear, “Lakin, this is your mommy. I have been waiting for you. You are my gift from God and He has a plan for your life.”     

 Who is this King of Glory who is everything to me? 
His name is Jesus..precious Jesus.