Secrets

I grew up holding tight to my secrets. I was terrified that anyone would find out about my dad's drinking or my parent's fighting or my sister's rebellious choices. I just wanted to be normal with the type of family you saw on TV (the Cosbys) or from the neighbors down the street. (Beaver Cleaver) Anytime someone asked, "How are you doing?" I pasted a smile on my face, closed off the emotions in my eyes and always replied, "Fine. I'm doing fine." It didn't matter that I was screaming inside, "No, I am not fine. I am scared. I am tired. I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow." I knew most people really didn't want to know what was going on with my personal life. It was easier for them to believe everything was peachy because otherwise they might have to get involved. I usually got the feeling that was the last thing anyone wanted to do. Too messy. Too real. Too awkward. Too much trouble. So I got really good with hiding my secrets. I used humor to cover up the pain and the laughter of others fueled my desire to just "fit" in.

In high school I was voted class clown. The funny girl was always happy she definitely could have any problems. Right? I graduated at the top of my class and got college scholarships thinking that if I was successful people would never guess that I came from dysfunction. I had friends who knew me for years but had no clue what went on inside my home. I kept people at arm's length, afraid for them to get too close. The guilt, the shame, the facade, the superficial.... It was exhausting!

When I met Jesus at 23 one of the things He offered was refuge. "Kimberley, come rest in me. I know you are weary and worn out. The burdens you bear have weighed you down for too long. I will pick them up and carry them for you. Find comfort that you are mine and I will give you refuge from the storms."

But God, I am ashamed. There are so many secrets, so much has happened. Many bad choices. A lot of ugly. I am scared people will find out, especially church people. They would never be able to handle my truth. I just don't think I can ever walk through this.

"Kimberley. You are the daughter of a mighty king. Bought with the blood of my son. Redeemed through my grace and mercy. People will judge, they will throw it back in your face, they will walk away, and you will make them feel uncomfortable with the truth. Let your secrets go, let my LOVE shine in, share your story and the REST is up to me. I will give you everything you need to face this with courage because you are not defined by your past, your present is not built in shame, and your future holds no guilt. Your identity is IN me. Never forget you are MINE!

"Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.” Matthew 11-28-30

When I Became A Mom....

When I became a mom I had no idea what I was in for! I knew that kids were a lot of hard work, they were cute most of the time, and figured if I could teach preschool it couldn't be much different.....right?

When I became a mom I had no idea that I could LOVE three little people with every fiber of my being. I had no idea that God made them look like ANGELS when they slept so I could start fresh the next day. 

I had no idea that I would WILLINGLY sacrifice my looks, my shoe allowance, and my coveted pedicures so I could save up for things to buy them instead. 

I had no idea that I would turn into a CRAZY mama bear when anyone tries to hurt my kids or crush their spirit. I had no idea that a homemade card, a lopsided pottery cup, a crushed paper flower or colored picture made at school would be PRICELESS treasures that could never compare to a Coach purse or diamond earrings.

I had no idea that I would become a nurse, teacher, coach, cheerleader, taxi driver, chef, maid, librarian, counselor, seamstress, photographer, drill sergeant to get them up in the morning, keeper of all secrets, cleaner upper of throw-up, magician that makes the boogie-man go away and anything else they need, just because my name is MOM.

I had no idea that when I became a mom that a cuddle, a KISS, a sweet word from one of my kids puts tears in my eyes especially as they get older and don't need me as much.

I had no idea that when I became a mom I was supposed to show them how to be kind, loving, COURAGEOUS, filled with integrity, and hardworking because I am preparing them to go out into the world and leave me! I had no idea that just thinking there will be a time when their beds will be EMPTY, their rooms clean all the time, and my house eerily quiet because they live someplace else, could bring me to my knees with grief.

When I became a mom I had no idea that God was entrusting me to raise these beautiful PRECIOUS children He created.....not because I was worthy, not because I wouldn't mess up, not because I would be the best...He gave then to me to teach me the true meaning of LOVE. 

I had no idea what that really meant until now.....Happy Mother's Day!

Recycled!

In the US we are pretty good about recycling. In 2009, Americans recycled 82 million tons of materials.(kab.org) We go to thrift stores for clothing, shoes, and costumes that might have barely been worn. We try to find old furniture to renovate turning something old and trashy into something new and relevant. Most of us love pitching in to do our part to save the earth to cut down on waste. 

I think God is kind of like that too. He loves to recycle. He knows that we live in a broken, sinful world that causes pain and destruction all around. He knows life can be hard and some of us have been hurt... terribly. Instead of saying, "Oh just forgive and forget or that's what you get.." He says, "My precious, precious child. I am so sorry that this has happened. Every tear you cried was noticed. Every bad choice I grieved because I knew the consequences would be damaging. The wounds you have collected that seem so ugly now...I will cover them with the blood of my son. I will hold you in my arms surrounded by my perfect love until you believe that I love you just the way you are, SCARD and all. I will take what the devil is using to keep you fearful, ashamed, condemned and make you "beautiful" again. You are mine, bought, redeemed, and LOVED!"

God doesn't WASTE a hurt. When we are healed and transformed through His grace and mercy, we can point others struggling with the same issues to Him.
His glory shines through when we REFUSE to let our past define us and instead use our trials, tribulations, baggage, and sin to HELP and COMFORT others. 

The other day, I sat in front of a 23 year female lost in confusion because of the way she had been living her life the last few years. She confessed to feeling like she was a bad person who is unworthy, unlovable, and just a mess. I smiled and with tears in my eyes said, "At your age I felt exactly that same way. And the person who is sitting before you today is living proof that God TRANSFORMS lives and uses EVERYTHING for His glory. Trust in Him and someday you will be on this side of the table. I promise!" 

God "recycles" those who follow Him.

"All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. God is our merciful Father and the source of all comfort. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us." 2 Corinthians 1:4