3 Teenagers in the House! Be Alert!

I have three teenagers in the house! Three. Although I love that they can all bathe themselves, don't use diapers anymore, and can get dressed independently, being a mom of teenagers brings a whole different set of issues. When they were younger, I considered the day a WIN if they were alive, somewhat clean, and ate more than chicken nuggets for food! Now, the worries seem so much more serious, with life-changing consequences. From driving a 6,000 lb vehicle safely to making good grades for college applications, having a healthy self-esteem so they don't make bad choices, or choosing good friends who will have a positive influence on them, the minefields to help them navigate through are formidable. One wrong step, especially with saying NO to a 16 year-old girl during her period, can have our family reach the level of DEFCON 1 Status where nuclear war is imminent!

The last few weeks Bryan and I had noticed more than the normal bickering, arguing, back talk, and separation from each other. Sunday morning we all went to breakfast to spend time together and "chat"! We knew we needed to rally as a family. Get on the same page. Re-align ourselves to our values. Stay connected. This is not an easy feat with everybody going different directions and having 5 people's schedules to manage. 

I wanted them to look up 1 Peter 5:8 in the Bible. 

"Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings." 1 Peter 5:8-9

If we believe in God we have to believe in the enemy. Acknowledge that there is an enemy that comes to seek and destroy. He loves to wheedle his way into the weak spots, cause dissension, and confusion. The goal is to literally tear down families, marriages, relationships, children, teenagers, churches, communities, cities, and countries. It's not normally a drastic break off, but little by little side steps taken, until you are so off track, going in the opposite direction of where you want to be, and not knowing how you got there. 

My heart is heavy for my kids. For all teenagers. These next few years are a crucial and often a painful transition into adulthood. They are at the prime age to be attacked, to feel isolated, left out, rejected, and fearful. Their thoughts can become so twisted and manipulated, giving into pride because they think they know everything or doubting the truths and people they grew up with. 

NOT ON MY WATCH! It says, "Resist him and stand firm!" So if I have to I will say no to that party. Unplug the video gaming system. Take away the phone. Be an active part of their life even when they try to push me away. Listen and not try to fix everything. Encourage them to dig deeper into their faith, serve  others, go to church, read their Bible, and stay connected even though they are resisting. I will not give into my feelings of being liked, being popular, cool, or being their friend. I will deal with my own issues of trying to fit in or striving for the mom-of-the-year award or the prefect-put-together-do-it-all-Pinteresty, everybody envies me on Facebook mom. 

Most importantly I will pray! And PRAY some more for protection of their heart, mind, and soul. The battle is not with our kids but with the spiritual battle going on for their future!!! I will put up a fight of epic proportions, with the God of the Universe on my side, for my family to STAY CONNECTED and Stand Firm! 

Lawson's Journey Part 2-October 2017 Still Sick

We have battled the gluten for 5 months. It is everywhere! I look at bread and baked goods with a different eye now. 1/50th of a crumb is hard to avoid unless we are very diligent.  We are down to three restaurants but even those are iffy.  Lawson has his own red dishes, cookware, new toaster and basket in the pantry. I read labels like a professional nutritionist, always on the watch for 'hidden" wheat ingredients that are under different names; (flour, bulgur, semolina, matzo, graham...on and on. 

But yet he is still sick!

His blood work came back great! His Tissue Transglutaminase Antibodies (tTG-IgA) went from over 75 to untraceable! That means he has been good at not ingesting any gluten.

Yet he is still sick.

We went and got him allergy tested...again. 90 skin pricks later, we found out that he is allergic to over 20 different foods. All nuts, beans, watermelon, broccoli, cauliflower, sunflower seeds, sesame, soy, eggs, and more. But they said to not to stop eating any of these because they wanted to see if the allergens showed up in his next set of tests. Yeah, that's not going to work for this momma. I will not feed him something that is causing him pain. We took all of the top 10 out of his diet.

Still sick.

So here we are, another scope, both ends. It's a terrible thing to watch your kid get ready for a colonoscopy. (Not pretty for anyone) But it has been more awful watching your 12 year-old son, lose 17 pounds in 5 months because he violently goes to the bathroom multiple times a day. He misses school, fun activities, and has anxiety whenever leaving the house. I just want him to enjoy being a boy! 

If you know Lawson, he has an infectious smile and an awesome sense of humor. He loves deeply and gets along with most everyone. And apparently he has killer dance moves (recent wedding we went too he killed it)! I have seen these health issues slowly take away some of his free spirit! Some days we just have to keep making inappropriate bathroom jokes just to keep him laughing. Our life revolves around poop...literally. We are hoping these cameras find nothing more serious. But no answer is bad too. It has been almost a 4 year journey!!!!  

Eating to him means pain. 

When the doctor walks out of the operating room, my heart feels like its beating out of my chest and I can't breathe. "Lord, Lord, I cry out. I can't do this! I don't want to hear the news. Have you seen this kid's smile? Hasn't he been through enough since he was born? I feel like such a baby! So many other families are going through worse. But this one is mine and my heart is breaking for him. This has been a year of trials and we still have 5 months to go!"

"Kimberley, we have been here before and my promises are still true. You can do this because no matter what the doctor says, I will be with Lawson and your family. My love never fails. It is a true and perfect love." 

In my head, I start singing the song that I clung to after Lakin's diagnosis;

I Have this Hope by Tenth Avenue North. 

I don't want to live in fear

I want to trust that You are near

Trust Your grace can be seen

In both triumph and tragedy

I have this hope

In the depth of my soul

In the flood or the fire

You're with me and You won't let go

But sometimes my faith feels thin

Like the night will never end

Will You catch every tear

Or will You just leave me here?

So, whatever happens I will not be afraid

Cause You are closer than this breath that I take

You calm the storm when I hear You call my name

I still believe that one day I'll see Your face

"Mr. and Mrs. Lee, Lawson did great! There were no signs of Crohns, Colitis, cancer, infection, or EOE. He is still showing Celiac damage in his upper intestines but it looks better than 3 months ago. There are white blood cells present in his stomach which means he still has inflammation. This could be why he is still struggling. We expect this will resolve itself after he has been gluten free for 6 months to a year. It sometimes takes that long for the gut to heal itself." 

Lawson is still sick but we are CLAIMING healing! He seems to be slowly getting better-ish. But no matter what, this mom, has a HOPE that comes from the DEPTHS of my soul, that in both the triumphs and tragedy HIS GRACE can be seen. 

 "Let us hold tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise." Hebrews 10:23

  

Lawson's Journey-May 2017

 I have put off writing this post. I feel if I put it down on paper it will become more real. It seems easier if I just go into survival mode, put blinders on, and press on. Denial can be so strong. Dealing with truth of any kind is painful and exhausting. After endless years of unexplained sickness, allergies, asthma, chronic stomachaches, and numerous tests, Lawson was diagnosed in June with Celiac. Again our world was topsy-turvy, with another life-changing autoimmune disease.  Our lives had to stop, re-calibrate, as we researched and learned about a whole different set of issues other than our daughter's Type 1 Diabetes. I have heard so many people make comments on this whole "Gluten" thing. "It's a phase. It is just a way to spend more money on expensive foods. It's the latest fad. It wasn't around 20 years ago, so I don't believe it. How serious can it really be?" 

The doctor spoke slowly so I could digest it all, "Kimberley, Lawson's intestinal wall is very damaged because he highly allergic to gluten. Every time he eats it, his immune system mounts an attack on this part of his body. Left untreated, Celiac disease can lead to additional serious health problems, like Type I diabetes, multiple sclerosis (MS), anemia, osteoporosis, infertility and miscarriage, neurological conditions like epilepsy and migraines, short stature, and intestinal cancers. There is no cure except total elimination of all gluten from his diet, which is found in many foods, drinks, spices, medicines, and other products. He needs separate dishes, utensils, toaster, and other appliances need to be monitored for cross contamination. 1/50th of a crumb can harm him and cause a reaction. Eating out will be a problem because there are many places who offer gluten free items but they are touched by other gluten containing foods or workers who don't change their gloves. He will have to be very, very careful. There are few APPS that you can download that might help."

WTH???? That was the response in my head. Why didn't the other doctor tell us this 2 years ago? I specifically asked! "Apparently not enough biopsies were taken from his intestines. The damage can be spotty at first so at least 6 sections need to be sampled to get an accurate diagnosis." Seriously!

New toaster? 1/50th of a crumb? Eating out is our way of life! Cross contamination sounds like a science experiment? Did I mention we always eat out? An app? Are you kidding me? No medicine to make it go away? Total elimination? That sounds impossible! I was trying, but failing, to process all this information. It was like a fire hydrant of facts, opened full throttle, and aimed right at my brain. 

Deep breath! Pray! Repeat! Deep breath! Pray! Repeat!

"God, need you here, before I go into full freak out mode! Kind of overwhelmed at this moment. Feeling like a failure for not doing enough before this. Don't think I can handle ONE MORE THING with my kids! Are you kidding me?"

"Kimberley, calm down. Dig deep. I am here. Lawson is mine. I have a plan for his life. You have to trust me in the storms. You can DO THIS! Not because you are strong, but because my power is made perfect in your weakness. You need to lean on me, when you don't understand or grow weary. Sing my praises and know without a shadow of a doubt, that I have your son's name written on the palm of my hand."

"Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name. For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations." Psalms 100:4-5

I Don't Like Cheerleaders

I am not a fan of cheerleaders, mostly because at face value, I do not see the point. Rarely do they make a huge impact in the sporting arena, to me, especially when I watch from the comfort of my home. Even the bows that are bigger than their heads tend to irritate me. Yes, they are usually pretty or good looking, their outfits are adorable, border on scandalous, and they can do some crazy athletic moves. But truly it seems like they can be more of a distraction and basically a mini-sorority, with lots of stereotypes attached to them, some well-earned. 

When my daughter was four, we were walking by my old high school football field; she pointed to the cheerleaders and said, "Mommy, I want to do that." My reply was what a very biased parent would normally say, "Oh no Lakin, anything but that! I want you to play a sport and not go around half naked. There is too much drama that goes along with being on a squad."

I can already hear the uproar from the parents starting to formulate all the arguments about the pros of cheerleading, which I know there are many and I can feel the daggers coming out, for those who disagree with me. But first, remember I can have my opinion. Second, I actually was a Varsity Cheerleader in high school and was in a sorority in college. 

But lately, I have been thinking I might be looking at the whole cheerleading thing all wrong. Instead of rolling my eyes in slight annoyance, I might even start to become their champion. Why the drastic turn around?  Well, a cheerleader's most important jobs are to get the crowds involved in supporting their teams and create a community of school spirit, both of which I LOVE!

In fact, in the current climate of mudslinging, name calling, lying, cheating, insulting each other over differences of opinions or beliefs, and general all-around unrest, I propose that we should start ALL becoming cheerleaders! We could become more supportive of each other on, help create a community spirit that cries out,  "Let's get involved together, let's UNITE as people! We don't have to AGREE on everything but we can be decent human beings to each other."

Maybe we can stop shaming and arguing about who is "right" and who is "wrong". Maybe we can stop rolling our eyes or being frustrated at others for our personal PREFERENCES and start celebrating all the wonderful differences that make us unique. Maybe we can begin shouting about ALL the things we are FOR, rather than putting people down for all the things we are AGAINST. If you want to go see the new Disney movie go. If you don't, then don't go. If you are a working mom or a stay-at-home mom, breastfed or bottle fed, voted for Frick or voted for Frack, like to drive Chevys or cruise around in Imports, recycle or can't find your magical blue garbage can (sorry), why does it have to be such harsh judgment and criticism of the other "side"?

Don't get me wrong, I played sports. I like competition. I actually claim the title of Reigning Queen Champion of Boggle and Scrabble in my home. (No one will play with me anymore because I can get quite "aggressive') I do not believe every kid gets a trophy or a ribbon. It's important to learn how to deal with not being first, not winning, or being disappointed. Competition is healthy in certain areas, but it is not helpful to pit nations, tribes, races, sexes, religions, or political parties, against each other just because we see things through different filters.

And yes, as a Christian, there are truths that cannot be compromised but if we truly want to follow Jesus we MUST really get to know His character. Most of us are not representing Him well at all with our hateful prejudices, misguided fears, and making people conform to our "perfect" image. Our job it to tell people the good news, and let Jesus change their hearts. 

So give me a, "2,4,6,8 who do we appreciate, Hoo Rah! Let's go Team!"

“Our culture has accepted two huge lies. The first is that if you disagree with someone’s lifestyle, you must fear or hate them. The second is that to love someone means you agree with everything they believe or do. Both are nonsense. You don’t have to compromise convictions to be compassionate.” Pastor Rick Warren

Mercy Me!

Last night we went to the Mercy Me concert as a family. The kids were not super excited, "Mom, they are like 40 year old men!" I almost gave in and sold their tickets, but I just had a feeling we were supposed to go together. Doubt crept in again as we argued about taking a picture with all of us and everyone was complaining about how hungry they were. As we settled down and the music started, all three seem to be enjoying themselves and at least were nodding their heads. They even got up, clapped their hands, and danced around laughing. Towards the end, I began to worry about the time, how late it was, what our crazy week looked like coming up, and questioned whether we should leave early.

The lead singer, Bart Millard, was talking and letting us know the "curse" of a songwriter was that usually songs were written out of a painful experience he had just gone through. The last one he was introducing was called, "Even If". This song was THE ONE I had been waiting for! We couldn't leave until I heard it! The words have really spoken to me during this whole journey with Lakin. I have wept many times, cried out to God, and worshiped Him while listening to it. 

Bart explained that this song came out of frustration when he knows God can heal, he knows God can fix something...but doesn't. It was written after he had a really bad day, because he just had gotten done at the doctor's office with his son who has Type 1 Diabetes!!! He was upset about how all-encompassing his son's chronic illness is and how it touches every part of their lives. 

Type 1 Diabetes? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? That is what he just came out of his mouth? That song, my song, came from this guy's struggles with his son's T1D? I snapped my head around and looked at Lakin, she said, "Can you believe it?" I leaned over into Bryan's arm and just started sobbing. Not necessarily tears of sadness but overwhelmingly filled with so many emotions. THIS is the reason we are here tonight! We are NOT alone. She is not alone! She had to hear from the stage, surrounded by thousands of other people, that her fight will be alongside MANY others. This disease does not care how much money you have, what color your skin is, how old you are, or who your dad is! It is relentless. But it doesn't mean the God who controls the universe and created you doesn't care or has left you behind. 

Thank you God for reminding me that there are no such things as coincidences and Team Lee was right where they should have been last night!

Even If (parts of) by Mercy Me

"You've been faithful, You've been good

All of my days

Jesus, I will cling to You

Come what may

‘Cause I know You're able

I know You can

I know You're able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

I know the sorrow, I know the hurt

Would all go away if You'd just say the word

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone

It is well with my soul

It is well, it is well with my soul" 

Hospital Stay

Watching your child lay in a hospital bed hooked up to a mess of wires is beyond hard, unimaginable even. This little human who you vowed to love and protect, since the moment you laid eyes on them, seem to get swallowed up by the white sheets and beeping machines. Nurses and techs come in and out, checking vitals, asking questions, talking medical jargon like we should be on board, all caught up, used to the idea that Lakin has this chronic illness.

I felt beyond hopeless. As her parent, I should be able to fix things, change the outcome, or make it all better! I wanted to jump into the bed, take her place, and yank this awful disease from her. Please God, let it be me! I should be the one! I would trade places with her in a heartbeat!

I had not slept in over 29 hours. I was coming down with a cold. I could not stop crying. I couldn't eat and felt sick to my stomach. I am a big girl and getting food down has never been a problem. But everything tasted like sawdust and was sticking in my throat; I gagged on a simple muffin and a banana. Well-meaning people kept telling me, "Kimberley you are strong, you will get through this, at least you have Bryan, it will get easier, they have made so many medical advances"..........I couldn't clearly hear or process everyone's words. It was as if I was swimming under water. Muffled sounds. It reminded me of Charlie Brown's teacher talking to him, "Wah. Wah. Wah. Wah."

I am not strong! I can't handle this! Not this, not Lakin, not now! I want to wake up and pray this is all a dream, or actually a nightmare. If I close my eyes and then open them again, I will be lying in bed with Bryan, praising Jesus because it wasn't real! It's not real. Right?

After 12 hours in the hospital, I met a nurse with a syringe in her hand, going into Lakin's room. I stop her and ask her what she is doing. She talks to me like you would a 2 year-old, "Ma'am I am giving her insulin." What? What are you taking about? We haven't seen a doctor since we came up from the ER. We haven't heard an official diagnosis from a medical professional or talked about the game plan.

The nurse decides talking S-L-O-W-E-R will help me understand her, "This is her long-lasting insulin which the doctor ordered for us to give her."

"Well, then that doctor can come talk to us and help our daughter understand what is happening rather then walking in here and injecting a drug in her that she is not familiar with. My husband isn't here and I am going to need more information before we take this step. Since I actually know she doesn't HAVE to have it right now, how about we wait! Just because this isn't new to you, this is life-changing for her and us, we are going to need a little bit more understanding and grace from you!"

"So no shot?"
'No! Don't go near her yet. You haven't even checked her sugar in hours. "

An eye roll and a tut later, the nurse backs off and says, "O-K-A-Y....." This would be the beginning of many issues we would have to advocate for our daughter during her stay. Like in any job, there are amazing people and some that should choose a different career field. We had to be constantly aware and vigilant about everything taking place with Lakin's care, even if we were exhausted, sick, and devastated. It was not enough to believe that since we were in a hospital to just let the professionals take care of all the details. Come to find out many mistakes and misunderstandings can take place in this setting.

At night I would lay there listening to Lakin breathe, watching her chest rise and fall. I was fighting to gain perspective and give praise for all the blessings that were still happening in the midst of all the heartache. To be honest, one minute this was easy and the next I was sinking into sorrow! I was all over the place emotionally. I cried out to God, "Lord, I am struggling but thank you that Lakin is alive! Thank you for giving us another day! Thank you that this is not worse and will be something she will be able to 'manage'."

The lead nurse kept asking me if I was ready to give her a shot because Lakin couldn't leave until both parents had shown they could do it without help. I am not scared of shots, needles, or pain for MYSELF!!! When it comes to my children it is a whole different ball game! No, please don't make me push a needle into my daughter. It will make it too real. I waited until the last minute and the nurse congratulated me for being only the 2nd mom to not cry. What she didn't know was that I was all cried out by this time and working on being completely numb to everything. :(

As for Lakin, she went from being terrified of any kind of needles to a little over 12 hours later giving herself her own shots. She was AMAZING, with learning about all her new medications, equipment, and nutrition changes to calculating her carbohydrates and sugar correction ratios. (Lots of math) I saw her pull from strength deep within and process all the information being thrown at her with a dignity and poise far beyond her years. She kept her sense of humor and made jokes at her own expense to help others cope with what was going on. The night she got out of the hospital she went home, took a shower and showed up at her high school basketball game. 

We had over 65 visitors; stop by to give their love and support of her and our family. We were overwhelmed by the generosity, kindness, and prayers of our community. The flowers, balloons socks, coloring books, ice teas, food, phone calls, Facebook posts, smiles, and hugs truly got us through these difficult days. It kept us busy and distracted to not have to focus on the "chronic diagnosis" Never once did we feel we were all alone or not cared about! It was so important to feel connected to our "people" while going through a storm than to drown in isolation.

While I would not wish a hospital stay or illness for any child, we have become closer as a family and a community! When Bryan and I couldn't stand by ourselves our family and friends came and held us up until we could get our legs back underneath us. The prayers have helped shine light and clear away the fog and numbness of our hearts and minds. I also believe without a shadow of doubt that beauty will keep rising out of all these trials. I know that God's glory will reign and that He has a plan for my daughter's life to LIVE BIG!

"Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory. We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation. And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love." Romans 5:2-5

She Wasn't Even Sick!!

On January 31, 2017 my world stopped turning. Flipped upside down. When I crawled into bed that night hoping to get some sleep, I had no idea that our family's normal would be completely changed a few hours later. We had just returned from dinner, where we actually had a fun time laughing and joking with each other. We came home, did homework, packed lunches, and talked about when Lakin was going to take her driver’s test. At 10:00 PM instead of counting sheep, my husband and I were on our way to the Emergency Room with our sixteen year old daughter. It wasn't because she seemed sick. She didn't have a fever, a stomachache, a cough, bleeding, or anything else you might think would send us out in the middle of the night. 

Everyone keeps asking the question, "How did you guys know?"  Well we didn't, kind of....

A couple of weeks before this, Lakin made the comment after school, "Mom I am so thirsty! I ran out of water at school and my lips are really dry too." I told her to get something to drink and put Aquaphor on, it cures everything.

Nothing should have triggered me. It is completely normal for a teenager to have dry lips and be thirsty, in January, when it is cold outside. She also had just gotten her braces off and was fitted for her retainers. It made sense that adjusting to wearing these were causing these symptoms. But for some reason my heart did a little flip. I looked at her and said in a very casual way, "What if you have diabetes?" She got mad at me of course, like a usual hormonal 16 year old girl. My husband even told me that was not funny. Bad joke.

I felt silly for saying it out loud and had no idea where that thought came from. But I couldn't stop the unsettling feeling that something wasn't right. I decided to watch to see if she got up in the middle of the night to go pee a lot, which is another sign of diabetes. She didn't! Not once. So I chalked it up to being an over-reactive mom with a slight bent towards hypochondria :)

A few days later she went over to a friend's house after school. She said she fell asleep and took a nap. I asked her if she was feeling okay. She said she just felt a little tired and had a headache. But again, she had stayed up late the night before studying for a test and had started her period which always puts her in a whole different category of crazy!

There was an explanation for every symptom and none of these were major enough to set off alarms bells. Mild headache, thirsty after school, and a little more tired and cranky. That describes every teenager I know!

What made us think we should take her to the ER? That night, after we all were tucked in ready to go to bed, Lakin came into our room and bounced on our bed. She looked fine on the outside, cheeks were rosy, and she definitely wasn't "acting" sick. "Hey guys I am really thirsty and really hungry." My first thought was, "Well eat snack, get a drink, and go to bed."

But my stomach dropped. My mind started spinning and retracing the past few weeks, something is not adding up. She just ate a big meal. She shouldn't be hungry. She is thirsty but not peeing more so it doesn't make sense. Denial set in almost immediately. It doesn't seem too abnormal, does it? This isn't what diabetes looks like! She would be sicker right? Lakin hasn't even gone to the regular doctor in over 12 years, she is never ill!

"Lakin, go get your dad's meter we need to check your sugar." I could see it in her eyes. She knew something was off. I started praying or actually begging, "Please God, don't let this be diabetes. Please God, don't let this be true. NOT HER! NOT NOW! NOT EVER! Don't do this...."

Yes, the reason we had a meter at home is because her dad has been a Type 1 diabetic since he was 11 years old. But please don't be tempted to think, "Well they should have been prepared because of Bryan." We were not. When Bryan and I first got together the statistics were less than 12% of him passing it on to any children we might have, if at all. It is an auto-immune disease with no clear answer as to why the body attacks itself. Is it caused by a virus? Genetics? The environment?  She had made it to 16. I thought we were in the clear! 

The first time we checked her sugar Bryan said the meter wasn't working and he had to do it again. I knew, he wasn't telling the truth. I saw his face change slightly with a seriousness and concern. He checked it a second time. The number came back.... it read 472. What does that mean? Well, the normal person's blood sugar is between 70-140. Is there another explanation or reason for having a number this high? No. It is like being pregnant. If the two lines are there, you are pregnant. You can't kind of be. Either you are or you are not. The same with sugars. To read this high you are diabetic. Your body is not producing enough insulin to keep it in check.

With tears in my eyes, I quietly told Lakin she probably had Type 1 diabetes and she needed to go get dressed. We had to go to the ER. We gathered her in our arms to pray for courage and strength to deal with this. I felt time had stopped and went into survival mode. I had to be strong for her but inside I was dying and so confused! What do we do? Who do we call? What is the next step? Why her? Haven’t I given you enough God? My mind scrolled through all the Bible verses I have hidden in my heart over the years, but I couldn't find the comfort I was desperate for! My daughter was just diagnosed with a chronic illness that would affect every part of her for the rest of her life! I didn't want cliches thrown at me no matter how heart felt they were, I was pissed and devastated! Nothing made sense anymore…

NUMB! I Can't Even...

God speaks to me when I write. It usually is intensely intimate and emotional. Every word typed is clouded with tears of joy, hope, praise, prayers, lesson learned, and often heartache. It leaves me very vulnerable and extremely raw. A month ago, our world turned upside down with our daughter's diagnosis of Type 1 Diabetes. There are so many thoughts, emotions, and struggles that I am fighting with, so many stories to tell. I feel God trying to get me to the place to write it all out. 

BUT I DON"T WANT TO! I am basically putting my fingers in my ears and refusing to go there. I just want to stay NUMB! I can't deal with these overwhelming feelings that are threatening to consume me. I am just trying to survive...day by day, sometimes moment by moment. Keep busy. Stick to my routines. Take care of the kids, the house, the schedules, the church, and work. Don't stop. Don't slow down. Don't think too much or dwell too long on anything. I am not ready to truly go there with you God! I can't even.....

I have always said that transparency is attractive but these next few posts might not seem that way to many of you. I am working out my faith publicly, not because I want to, I would rather struggle privately, but sharing this very personal journey, might help others see that life is far from perfect but God's promises and truths will get us through no matter what. Even when we don't have the courage or strength to handle any of it. 

I Have This Hope by Tenth Avenue North

As I walk this great unknown

Questions come and questions go

Was there purpose for the pain?

Did I cry these tears in vain?

I don't want to live in fear

I want to trust that You are near

Trust Your grace can be seen

In both triumph and tragedy

I have this hope

In the depth of my soul

In the flood or the fire

You're with me and You won't let go

But sometimes my faith feels thin

Like the night will never end

Will You catch every tear

Or will You just leave me here?

But I have this hope

In the depth of my soul

In the flood or the fire

You're with me and You won't let go

So, whatever happens I will not be afraid

Cause You are closer than this breath that I take

You calm…

Sweet Sixteen

  

Today is my daughter's birthday. She turned 16! As a writer, or at least someone who uses words to communicate, I am speechless! It is more than the feelings of, "Where did the time go? How did this happen so fast? I can't believe she will drive!" It's actually EPIC, exciting, terrifying, bittersweet, and overwhelming all wrapped together......

"Dear Lakin,
You took my breath away the first time I ever saw you. When they put you on my chest, I looked down into your big brown eyes and felt you glanced into my soul! It was like you reached inside and touched my heart with a jolt of electricity! It was almost a challenge, a huge wake up call, "Hey Mom, I am finally here. What are you going to do with me now?" I knew, right then, that I would spend the rest of my life being your champion! Loving you with all my heart until I take my last breath.

These last 16 years watching you grow up have been one of the biggest blessings of my life. I could not ask for another kind of daughter to help make me in to a better person, to deepen my faith, and to call me mom!

I know being a teenager isn't always easy. Kids are mean. Boys are stupid. Nothing seems to make sense. Emotions are at an all-time high. Finding your place in this world can be awkward and hard. But there are a few things I want you to ALWAYS remember as you are beginning to make this transition into adulthood.

You are LOVED! Even if you are mad at us, don't agree with our decisions or think we don't know anything, your dad and I would die for you in a second! Team Lee for life! (Even when you change you name after you get married)

JUST BE YOU! Don't conform to what the world wants or expects. You do you and no one else's idea of what you should be like. You choose your journey. You pave your own path. You are strong, courageous, and have it in you to move mountains and accomplish your dreams! Never quit! Don't ever try to have it all together or be perfect, that is so unattainable and overrated :) Just be you!

OWN IT! Own your life. Never push it off on someone else. If you make a mistake, apologize. If you feel strongly about something, say it! If you want to do things differently, DO IT! If you fall down or stumble, get up and try again! Character and integrity count, don't let anyone try to talk you into something else. No matter their job title or position they hold.

Your IDENTITY is in Christ! Not in this world or what people say about you. Not in a boy if he likes you or not. Not in a job or how much money you make. Or what kind of car you drive or house you live in. Don't believe the lies, focus on the truths. No matter how loud all the noise is.

Community Matters! Stay connected to God, your family, and your community. When the storms of life come and try to knock you around or even drown you, all three will be your life lines. Who you surround yourself with will determine so much.

Lakin, I am in AWE of the woman you are becoming and the amazing person you are right now! I will treasure all our "talks" and car rides to school. I will be your loudest cheerleader and your biggest fan. (No matter if you get embarrassed :) I am blessed beyond measure to be your mom and hope I have lived up to the challenge you threw out that first day, "I am here and what are you going to do with me?" LOVE YOU FIERCELY that's what I will do!

Happy Sweet 16!
Mom