Lakin is 18! Am I Ready?

Today my first born turns 18! She is an adult. She can vote. Move out. Get married. Sign contracts. And all the other things adults can do...without our permission. Am I ready for this?

Lakin, when I found out I was pregnant with you...I wasn't really ready to be a mom. It caught us off guard because our big "plan" was to wait years before having kids not months :)  

When I found out you were a girl, I wasn't ready. I was scared because I didn't know how to get along with females all the time and I didn't know if I was capable of being a good mom to a daughter. What if I messed you up? What if you hated me?

When you went off to preschool, kindergarten, junior high, and then high school, I wasn't ready. When you had your first crush on a guy, got your heart broken, flew across the country by yourself, and got your driver's license, I really, really wasn't ready for any of that. You were growing up so fast! Your Dad and I didn't have a play book or any experience. We made many mistakes and goofs along the way! Some out of fear and my own hurts and hang ups. Many  times it was just plain being human. 

But today, on your 18th birthday, I am ready!!! Not because I have it all figured out or that I am not sitting here bawling my eyes out as I write this. I am ready because Lakin, I know without a shadow of a doubt God has you in His hand. With His love, mercy, and lots and lots of grace, you have turned into an AMAZING young woman!!!! 

I am ready for you to pave your own path and embrace your future! 
You have a great head on your shoulders! 
You have a huge heart! You care deeply for others!
You went through high school and stood true to your faith. That is a feat in itself :)
You have overcome obstacles that to most would seem insurmountable!
You have kicked down so many of your fears and not let them hold you back anymore!
You have shown all of us that YOU are braver and stronger than we could have imagined!!!
But most of all, I can see, how much you love JESUS!

Lakin, YOU are ready!!! You are ready to live out your purpose and His plan for your life. You are ENOUGH! Just the way you are, not because you are perfect but because you are HIS! A masterpiece! Fearfully and wonderfully made.

Don't live life on the sidelines or be afraid to fail!! Take risks! Dream big! Be kind. And never, ever forget, how much you are LOVED!!!!

Mom and Dad

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7

About Last Night....

How can I describe last night? Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes and leaves me at a loss for words that would adequately paint the picture for those that were not there. But I have to try...because last night DEMANDS A RESPONSE!

On Tuesdays our Propel Women Tucson Group meets to encourage, uplift, and empower each other. We gather to eat, laugh, pray, share, and yes even cry, as we prove that women CAN get along, woman can be each other's cheerleaders and we are better together!

Last night, I had asked my new friend Marina Holland to share part of her journey with us. If you know her, she can be shy, quiet, and definitely not the one in the room that likes any attention. But last night, all eyes were on her as her story unfolded.

This is where my words fail me...I cannot give justice to what we experienced. From the moment Marina opened her mouth we were all captivated! Her breathtaking transparency and stark honesty seeped into our souls as she shared an unimaginable tragedy of pain and loss. There was an awe-inspiring beauty in her bravery and strength to relive even a small part of her darkest hours. The love on her face when she mentioned her only son Manny shined brightly through her eyes and smile! But the JOY that radiated from depths of her heart came out when she gave God ALL THE glory in the midst of circumstances that would slay the mightiest mama! No one should ever have to bury their child!

When she finished, the silence in the room was reverent. Our emotions were all over the place. Because her story was our worst fears played out but she also gave us an extraordinary HOPE of the unfailing and never-ending promises of our Savior. But....

Imagine if........ Marina didn't have a tribe to surround and help her through her grief? The loneliness and despair could have crushed her.

Imagine if......... Marina didn't push through being uncomfortable and terrified of speaking in front of people to share her son's story and legacy? We would not know that over 100 people were saved at his funeral!!!!

Imagine if........ her son didn't know Jesus? There would not be the blessed assurance of getting to see each other again!

Imagine if.........YOU never knew that God loves you so much that He wants to see you dancing and singing in heaven with Him, your family and friends for all of eternity!!

Last night was supernatural. It could only be described as an encounter with Jesus!! We are definitely better together and we are unstoppable with GOD!

"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Cor 4:16-18

3 Teenagers in the House! Be Alert!

I have three teenagers in the house! Three. Although I love that they can all bathe themselves, don't use diapers anymore, and can get dressed independently, being a mom of teenagers brings a whole different set of issues. When they were younger, I considered the day a WIN if they were alive, somewhat clean, and ate more than chicken nuggets for food! Now, the worries seem so much more serious, with life-changing consequences. From driving a 6,000 lb vehicle safely to making good grades for college applications, having a healthy self-esteem so they don't make bad choices, or choosing good friends who will have a positive influence on them, the minefields to help them navigate through are formidable. One wrong step, especially with saying NO to a 16 year-old girl during her period, can have our family reach the level of DEFCON 1 Status where nuclear war is imminent!

The last few weeks Bryan and I had noticed more than the normal bickering, arguing, back talk, and separation from each other. Sunday morning we all went to breakfast to spend time together and "chat"! We knew we needed to rally as a family. Get on the same page. Re-align ourselves to our values. Stay connected. This is not an easy feat with everybody going different directions and having 5 people's schedules to manage. 

I wanted them to look up 1 Peter 5:8 in the Bible. 

"Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings." 1 Peter 5:8-9

If we believe in God we have to believe in the enemy. Acknowledge that there is an enemy that comes to seek and destroy. He loves to wheedle his way into the weak spots, cause dissension, and confusion. The goal is to literally tear down families, marriages, relationships, children, teenagers, churches, communities, cities, and countries. It's not normally a drastic break off, but little by little side steps taken, until you are so off track, going in the opposite direction of where you want to be, and not knowing how you got there. 

My heart is heavy for my kids. For all teenagers. These next few years are a crucial and often a painful transition into adulthood. They are at the prime age to be attacked, to feel isolated, left out, rejected, and fearful. Their thoughts can become so twisted and manipulated, giving into pride because they think they know everything or doubting the truths and people they grew up with. 

NOT ON MY WATCH! It says, "Resist him and stand firm!" So if I have to I will say no to that party. Unplug the video gaming system. Take away the phone. Be an active part of their life even when they try to push me away. Listen and not try to fix everything. Encourage them to dig deeper into their faith, serve  others, go to church, read their Bible, and stay connected even though they are resisting. I will not give into my feelings of being liked, being popular, cool, or being their friend. I will deal with my own issues of trying to fit in or striving for the mom-of-the-year award or the prefect-put-together-do-it-all-Pinteresty, everybody envies me on Facebook mom. 

Most importantly I will pray! And PRAY some more for protection of their heart, mind, and soul. The battle is not with our kids but with the spiritual battle going on for their future!!! I will put up a fight of epic proportions, with the God of the Universe on my side, for my family to STAY CONNECTED and Stand Firm! 

Lawson's Journey-May 2017

 I have put off writing this post. I feel if I put it down on paper it will become more real. It seems easier if I just go into survival mode, put blinders on, and press on. Denial can be so strong. Dealing with truth of any kind is painful and exhausting. After endless years of unexplained sickness, allergies, asthma, chronic stomachaches, and numerous tests, Lawson was diagnosed in June with Celiac. Again our world was topsy-turvy, with another life-changing autoimmune disease.  Our lives had to stop, re-calibrate, as we researched and learned about a whole different set of issues other than our daughter's Type 1 Diabetes. I have heard so many people make comments on this whole "Gluten" thing. "It's a phase. It is just a way to spend more money on expensive foods. It's the latest fad. It wasn't around 20 years ago, so I don't believe it. How serious can it really be?" 

The doctor spoke slowly so I could digest it all, "Kimberley, Lawson's intestinal wall is very damaged because he highly allergic to gluten. Every time he eats it, his immune system mounts an attack on this part of his body. Left untreated, Celiac disease can lead to additional serious health problems, like Type I diabetes, multiple sclerosis (MS), anemia, osteoporosis, infertility and miscarriage, neurological conditions like epilepsy and migraines, short stature, and intestinal cancers. There is no cure except total elimination of all gluten from his diet, which is found in many foods, drinks, spices, medicines, and other products. He needs separate dishes, utensils, toaster, and other appliances need to be monitored for cross contamination. 1/50th of a crumb can harm him and cause a reaction. Eating out will be a problem because there are many places who offer gluten free items but they are touched by other gluten containing foods or workers who don't change their gloves. He will have to be very, very careful. There are few APPS that you can download that might help."

WTH???? That was the response in my head. Why didn't the other doctor tell us this 2 years ago? I specifically asked! "Apparently not enough biopsies were taken from his intestines. The damage can be spotty at first so at least 6 sections need to be sampled to get an accurate diagnosis." Seriously!

New toaster? 1/50th of a crumb? Eating out is our way of life! Cross contamination sounds like a science experiment? Did I mention we always eat out? An app? Are you kidding me? No medicine to make it go away? Total elimination? That sounds impossible! I was trying, but failing, to process all this information. It was like a fire hydrant of facts, opened full throttle, and aimed right at my brain. 

Deep breath! Pray! Repeat! Deep breath! Pray! Repeat!

"God, need you here, before I go into full freak out mode! Kind of overwhelmed at this moment. Feeling like a failure for not doing enough before this. Don't think I can handle ONE MORE THING with my kids! Are you kidding me?"

"Kimberley, calm down. Dig deep. I am here. Lawson is mine. I have a plan for his life. You have to trust me in the storms. You can DO THIS! Not because you are strong, but because my power is made perfect in your weakness. You need to lean on me, when you don't understand or grow weary. Sing my praises and know without a shadow of a doubt, that I have your son's name written on the palm of my hand."

"Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name. For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations." Psalms 100:4-5

I Get Knocked Down!

A few years ago I told my husband that one of my theme songs for my life was, "I Get Knocked Down But I Get Up Again." He looked at me and said, "That's nice Kimberley because that is not the name of the song. It's called Tubthumping and the whole song is about getting drunk."

Oh...well.... I must have missed that, what a dumb name! But I think it's really catchy and it just speaks to me.

In my head, I would literally chant over and over again, "I get knocked down but I get up again you're never gonna keep me down! I get knocked down but I get up again you're never gonna keep me down!"

Because life is hard. Really hard. It's easy to  feel knocked down a lot! Relationships, finances, family drama, work problems, house or car repairs, paying for college, saving for retirement, medical bills, the list is endless. The minute you seem to catch your breath something can come and blow you over again! Give you a 1, 2 PUNCH! For me, growing up in a dysfunctional family was difficult. Being a teenager without much guidance and dating the wrong guys did a number on my self-esteem. Getting through college without any financial support was tough. Making a lot of dumb decisions in my young adult years made me face some not so pretty consequences. Losing my grandma and my best friend in one year was life altering. Getting into a car accident, twice, that took away my military career seemed unfair beyond belief. So many times I felt like I'm done! I can't take much more. There has to be something else to life than just this! How many times can a person get knocked down? It was tiring and lonely. But I knew, I felt it in the depths of my soul, that no matter what I would get back up again. I just couldn't put my finger on the why.

After I started going to church and learning about God, I realized what the why was. I knew then that I didn't have to be alone. The fight wasn't me against the world. I finally understood that there is more to life than just surviving the punches. He's called Jesus! The world  would not keep me down. My past would not keep me down. My problems were not going to keep me down. When I get knocked around, instead of feeling defeated I know that God has a plan for my life. I know that I am loved beyond anything I could ever imagine! Not one hurt goes unnoticed. He doesn't promise that this life will be easy, fair, without issues, or all about my comfort. What He does promise is that He is preparing a home for me where I can spend eternity singing and dancing with him. He does promise me that when life gets too much to handle because it most certainly will, He will pick me up and carry me the rest of the way!

So although that song has a very silly name and the words were written in a different context, I choose to sing that chorus and put my spin on it, " I get knocked down and I get up again nothing is gonna keep me down because I have an army of angels on my side and a Savior who promises to be my shelter from the storms!"

"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging." Psalms 42:1-3

Losing My Mind?

A new Christian asked me the other day what has helped me the most change my life over the last 20 years of following Jesus? I was totally unprepared for this kind of question! My mind went blank at first and then started scrolling through all these great Christian clichés; God's love, the awesomeness of the cross, memorizing scripture, reading the Bible, going to church, serving others, helping people on their journeys, being in community....how do I pick just one? All of these things were foundational in my faith! In an instant of clarity, it came to me! What have I had to do daily, over and over, sometimes minute by minute to change my way of thinking, to break free of my past, and to have victory over the enemy? "Capturing my thoughts"!

To be honest, most of the time I feel like I am losing my mind. The struggle is real and fierce to not let negative thoughts overwhelm the truth of the cross. The noise and distraction of the world bombard me with so many things contrary to what I know God wants for my life. It is easy and comfortable to fall into the cycle of being critical of everyone around me, especially my family. It's more natural to place blame and find fault with my workplace, the church, the government, Ebola carriers, traffic cameras, bad parents, the education system, bank bailouts, and everything else in between. 

I have a choice on how I am going to think and what filter I'm going to use to respond. If left to my own devices, I would give into my fears and critical nature. I would run around screaming, "The sky is falling!" and rip apart everyone from the McDonalds cashier who can't take my order correctly to my husband who can't seem to get his calendar organized.

But when I said yes to following Jesus I knew I could not trust my own stinking thinking. I knew the person I was in my past was not the person I wanted to become. I knew that in order to change my thoughts I had to "capture" them. What does this really mean? How do I put this into practice? Literally, when a negative, ugly or critical thought comes into my mind, I stop and start praying it away. I try to replace it with a truth I have learned from God's word, maybe even quote scripture. Sometimes, I ask God to take it out of my brain by reminding me of a positive memory to replace it. I also have been known to talk to myself, "Lord, change my heart, change my attitude, and help me not kill anyone." (Repeat as needed, even if it’s over and over again within a few minutes).

Does this always work? NOOOOO! I also make the choice to not capture my thoughts and give in to my fears, frustrations, anger, and critical nature. Usually, this does not turn out so well and I have to go back and apologize to someone. When I listen to lies and untruths it is easy to become overwhelmed, depressed, doubtful, and foolish! The cycle of letting my thoughts run amok is addicting and difficult to break once I get rolling. It’s amazing how fast relationships start breaking down when people sit in the "crappy" thinking for too long. Your viewpoint of God can even start changing and that leads to nowhere good!

So to answer my friend's question, one of the things that have helped me the most in my life is capturing my thoughts! Otherwise I could see myself losing my mind :)

"We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We capture their rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ." 

2 Cor 10:5

Call Back!

Someone just gave me the book Jesus Calling to read. Although I will admit I was in a bad mood when I started the first page... I struggled to get into it! One thought kept going through my head, "Jesus is Calling BUT.... I Don't Want To Answer the Phone!" I couldn't even focus on the words as I argued with myself and God. "What if I am tired of Him calling? What if I don't want to answer? Maybe I just want to be left alone? How about you call back another day!" I know this sounds ridiculous but I couldn't stop myself from throwing a mini tantrum. 

Like most toddlers, I finally wore myself out. And Jesus called. 

"Kimberley, are you done? If not I will wait. Remember that I love you and the promises I made to you 20 years ago. Your journey with me will sometimes be very difficult. There are going to be many times you will grow weary. I never promised you a rose garden or dreams full of fluff. But I will never leave or forsake you. I will always love you and be your refuge in the storms."

But God, I am so tired sometimes of dealing with all "this"!

"Kimberley, you promised to obey and you were called for such a time as this! Do you remember what life was like without me? Did you forget where I found you? Run into my arms to find rest and give me your burdens to carry. Lean on me, I will hold you up when you can't take another step. I will carry you when you can't move forward. But when I call, don't block me out."

Jesus IS calling! I'm going pick up the phone because I want to talk to Him! He will wait and continue to pursue me even when I put my fingers in my ears to tune Him out. Why? His love for us is relentless! He will never give up!

"Let all that I am praise the Lord; with my whole heart, I will praise his holy name. Let all that I am praise the Lord; may I never forget the good things he does for me." Psalm 103:1-2

BECAUSE

"Because He lives I can face tomorrow
Because He lives all fear is gone
Because I know He holds the future
And life is worth the living just because He lives."
-Chorus by Bill and Gloria Gaither

I love this chorus. David Crowder did a version of the song that brings me to my knees when I hear it. Usually when I sing it, I will have tears streaming down my face. 

This song reminds me that I can wake up tomorrow with hope because He lives. Even if everything in my life is a train wreck, my hope in Jesus helps me put one foot in front of the other. When I want to put my covers over my head because the thought of starting another day seems overwhelming, my love for Him gives me strength to get up.

When I am scared, worried, or filled with anxiety I try to take a deep breath and remember He holds my future. He knows the right timing. He knows the next step. He knows my heart desires. He knows what my family needs. He holds my destiny in the palm of His hand. Because He lives He wants me to trust Him and not run around like a chicken with my head cut off, trying to figure out or fix everything.

Life is hard. It can throw you curve balls, knock you to your knees, take your breath away with the pain, and you wonder, "Is all this worth it?" But because He lives, because He died on the cross, because He made the ultimate sacrifice, because He loved us more than enough.... life IS worth living. 

"In him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in his holy name. Let your unfailing love surround us, Lord, for our hope is in you alone." Psalm 33:21-22

Bubble Wrap!

I love bubble wrap! I love popping all the little bubbles. I love how you can wrap things up to protect them and feel secure they probably won't break. I love how it takes up so much space in a box that it takes a few minutes to get to your present or gift. Bubble wrap gives off the impression of "fragile, precious cargo inside."
 
As much as I love this stuff to keep THINGS safe, I have noticed that some PEOPLE around me seem to have encased themselves in kind of a "life bubble wrap"! Giving off the impression, "Leave me alone. I am in protection mode." There are many reasons why we might do this, some completely valid; hurt, rejection, abuse, fear, insecurities, doubts, hard circumstances, or maybe just being stuck. Instead of dealing with issues, we wrap one more layer around us, fighting off the feelings. Hoping the 'bubbles' will keep us from the pain the next time around. We wrap and wrap and wrap ourselves until one day we are so bound up we don't even recognize who we are anymore. What started out as protection is now suffocating us. Dodging future pain, running from all the possible problems, fear of what might happen again.. keep us from experiencing all of life. When you try to block out the 'bad' the 'good' has trouble getting through too.
 
I know life can be hard and constantly throwing you curve balls. That sometimes the pain can make you feel like you will never be able to breath freely again. Some days it takes everything in you just to get out of bed. I know how it seems like life will never be okay again...but I also know there is a HOPE! His name is Jesus.
 
I dare you, with His help, to start unwrapping. To face each day with courage, knowing He has your back. Refusing to live a life encased in 'Bubble Wrap' because the cross has freed you. It is okay to be scared. But whenever you feel, "AAGGHH! This is too hard. I can't do it. The cost is too high!" Jesus replies, "My precious, precious child. Trust me. I know the high price of love. That's why I got on that cross for you."

       "Christ has set us free to live a free life. So take your stand!
         Never  again let anyone put a harness of slavery on you." 
                                                                                 Galatians 5:1 (MSG)

          "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you
            trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by 
                          the power of the Holy Spirit."        Romans 15:13 (NLT)

Burning Bush in My Bedroom?

In Exodus 3 and 4 Moses is having a conversation with God. He is up on Mt. Sinai and God appears to him in the form of a burning bush. If it wasn't such an epic conversation, I would actually make fun of it because it looks very similar to many "chats" I have with God. (Usually as I am praying in my bedroom).

"Kimberly, I need you to do this." 
"No God, I don't want to. I am not equipped. You are asking too much. Leave me alone."

God is asking Moses to lead His people, the Israelite's, out of Egypt. Okay, that sounds pretty huge especially since they had been SLAVES for the past 400 YEARS! Not to mention the Egyptians were one of the most powerful nations in the world.
 
So of course Moses is a bit skeptical, "Who am I to appear before Pharaoh? Who am I to lead the people of Israel out of Egypt?” God, you have got this wrong! I am not the person for the job. Don't you remember that I left that country a disgraced prince after I killed one of their soldiers? Surely you must have someone better to carry out this task? Someone smarter, more powerful, well liked, richer, anyone but me!

God being God, reassures him by saying, "I will be with you."
 
Moses being human and probably completely freaked out, replies, "Who do I tell them sent me? What if they won’t believe me or listen to me? What if they say, ‘The Lord never appeared to you?'”

God performs a sign. He turns the staff in Moses hand to a snake. This should do the trick. I mean if God can do this then He will make good on his promise to help Moses.  Right?
 
Not exactly. Now Moses starts pleading, “O Lord, I’m not very good with words. I never have been, and I’m not now, even though you have spoken to me. I get tongue-tied, and my words get tangled.”

I am sure God took a deep breath and sighed. Come on Moses. What's it going to take? "Then the Lord asked Moses, “Who makes a person’s mouth? Who decides whether people speak or do not speak, hear or do not hear, see or do not see? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go! I will be with you as you speak, and I will instruct you in what to say.” God is kind of laying the smack down here. Don't you know who I AM? I am in charge of it all. I will tell you what to say just get your hiney moving.
 
But Moses again pleaded, “Lord, please! Send anyone else.” Moses seems a bit slow doesn't he? A bit stubborn? Fearful? Maybe even a bit selfish? What God is asking him to do certainly doesn't sound comfortable.
 
Does this sound familiar? God asks us to do something and we give him all the reasons why we can't? God reassures us that He will take care of us. We just have to obey. But we hesitate. Drag our feet. Come up with more excuses. Find somebody to agree with us that God has this one wrong. Or we flat out put our fingers in our ears, our hands up and say, "NO! Not going to do it."
 
Moses finally stops his arguing and leads his people out of Egypt. (God did give him, Aaron, his brother to go along too.) It was not easy. He had many problems, serious ones along the way. Think plagues, diseases, even death. But he did obey and he lead an entire nation to freedom!
 
Now, maybe God is not asking you to free a nation. But I will bet, He is asking you to do SOMETHING! And maybe He is not in your bedroom speaking through a burning bush, but again, I bet He has stirred your heart, gently whispered, or keeps bringing the same thing to your mind, wanting you to say YES, I WILL DO IT! What is stopping you? Your pride? Fear? Comfort? Doubts? If Moses said no do you think God would still have freed Israel? You betcha! God's plan, will get done. But where would Moses be? Certainly not talked about in the Bible or being played by Charlton Heston every Easter. God chose him for this specific purpose. God is choosing YOU for His purpose too. But you have to say, "Yes, God! Whatever it takes!"

“If you are faithful in little things, you will be faithful in large ones....." Luke 16:10

Give and Take..Right?

As Americans we usually always want something in return for what we give, for what we do. If we give a present we expect a thank you card. If we give a donation we want a tax receipt. If we make good grades we want to be on the Honor Roll. If we do something for someone else we want them to acknowledge it or our feelings might get hurt. We want our friendships to be reciprocal. We want our church to be certain ways because we gave money or serve there. At work we want a raise, promotion, or at least a plaque if we give our best. We have become a nation that says, "What's in this for me? or "What can I expect in return? or "I expect this because I did that." Give and take... right?

The other day I brought something similar to God's attention. I was complaining about not getting anything in return from certain people after I gave them so much. I was having a pity party and was questioning why I was even doing this ministry since it seems so one-sided. This went on for a few days and as I was watching a silly horse movie I just started bawling (the movie wasn't sad). The tears just kept coming and I felt an overwhelming sense of regret. God brought me to my knees and reminded me (AGAIN) of what serving Him with all my heart looks like.

"Kimberley, what if you are not supposed to get anything back? Your sole purpose is just to give, give it all, no matter the cost. You are to mentor others because I asked you to journey alongside of them. You are to plant seeds that I WILL grow. This is not give and take..this time, it is only give. Put aside your selfishness, your pride, and obey."

He then pointed to the cross and asked me what His son got in return for dying on the cross for me.

"And now, Israel,(Kimberley) what does the LORD your God ask of you but to fear the LORD your God, to walk in obedience to him, to love him, to serve the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul" Deuteronomy 10:12 

Satan at the Sonic Flood Concert

When I was in high school, my boyfriend at the time, had a mom that was a bit off to say the least. On his 18th birthday she took a baseball bat to his room while we were out to dinner. Throughout my senior year she continued to try to make my life a living hell. She went to games where I was cheer leading and threw ice at me from the stands. She would come to my house when my parents weren't home and lean on the doorbell for hours, cussing at me. She followed me around stores calling me names. She came to my work at the mall and threw merchandise on the floor that I had to pick up. She came to my school and called me names in front of my friends. The final straw was when she tried to run me over in the school parking lot with her truck. My parents called the cops, she was arrested, and I had to get a restraining order so she wouldn't ruin my prom or graduation that were coming up or worse hurt me. Needless to say, I disliked her intensely. In fact I would say it bordered on hatred. Instead of celebrating my last year of school and having the time of my life, I was constantly looking over my shoulder and dodging a 42 year old woman and her very large family. She seemed related to half of Tucson.

Fast forward 10 years. I graduated from college, became a Christian, was a newlywed, and serving with my husband as youth leaders in a local church. We were taking a group of about 50 students to the Newsboys, Sonic Flood concert at Casas Adobes Baptist. We arrived with youth in tow, McDonalds in hand, ready to listen to an awesome night of worship. As I glanced around the building I thought wow this place fits a lot of people. Maybe around 3000. My eyes stop. My mouth drops. Sitting about 30 feet away from me sat HER. My old boyfriend’s mom!!  I grabbed Bryan's arm and said, "Oh my gosh. She's here. She is here. Satan is at the Sonic Flood Concert."

I had obviously told Bryan the whole story. He knew just exactly how I felt about her. He knew how she had tortured me. He replied, "So?" "So! So!" I quietly screamed, "What do you mean so? Don't you remember who she is and what she did to me?" He replied," Yes, Kimberley. I remember but that was a long time ago. You have changed maybe she has too. Why don't you go talk to her?"  Through clenched teeth, I said, "Talk to her? Talk to her? Why don't you go talk to her?" With that I shoved my McDonald's bag at him and walked away. I had lost my appetite and was sick to my stomach. I was mad at him for even suggesting I should talk to her. Did he not understand the depths of my fear? The intensity of my hatred?

The lights dimmed and Sonic Flood came on to sing. The song was one of my favorites, If I Could Sing of Your Love Forever. Shaking with fear, anger, hurt... the words pierced my very soul.

"Over the mountains and the sea
Your river runs with the love for me
and I will open up my heart
and let the healer set me free.
I’m happy to be in the truth
and I will daily lift my hands
for I will always sing of when Your love came down.

I heard the spirit say to me, "Kimberley I am the healer. I have set you free. Go to her. I will be with you." No God, No.. anyone but her. Don't you know what she did? Don't you know how horrible she is? She might hurt me." With tears streaming down my face, I sang the words with the band, “I can sing of your love forever..”

"Kimberley if you love me you will obey. Go to her." Lord what exactly do you want me to say? What could I possibly say to her?" "I want you to tell her you’re sorry. I want you to tell her that you have me and I have changed your life."  "SORRY? You want me to apologize to her. I don't have anything to be sorry for. SHE should be apologizing to me. God, she was so mean and hateful. Did you see her try to run me over with her truck?" "Kimberley I saw it all. Go to her." 

At this point I think I might be actually going crazy. I go to the bathroom to get myself together and start making deals.

"God, I do love you but you are asking too much. Besides, there is a concert going on. It is too loud and very dark."

As I am walking back to my place, the music stops and all the lights come on. What!!! It was intermission. They had to turn the lights on to get ready for the Newsboys. "God there are too many people around her. I can't walk through a crowd." I glance over as her group starts to disperse. "God they aren't all gone there are still a few there. I can't talk with students around, it could get ugly."

Just then everybody leaves. It is just her and her sister sitting on the bleachers. "Okay..okay but God  what if she tries to fight me? She is that kind of person. It would not be good to have to throw down at a Christian concert in front of my husband’s youth group. What if I can't talk? What if she wont let me talk? God please anything but this."

"Kimberley, do not be afraid. I will be with you. I will be with you."

Bryan walks over and asks me if I am okay. I snap at him, "I am fine. Do you have a business card?" "Why?" "I don't know just give it to me." With his card in my hand I take a deep breath, close my eyes, and beg, "Please, please God let this be of you and me not losing my mind." I march over and she is kind of up on the front row of a bleacher. The only way to talk to her is to kneel in front of her. KNEEL in front of her! I get down and look up at her. She gives me that look, of hatred. Before I had a chance to speak she sneers, "Yeah, I know who you are what do you want?" I say nothing. She yells at me, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" 

I take a deep breath and say one last prayer..here I go...."I wanted to say I am sorry. I am so sorry if I have caused you or your family any hurt or pain. I am sorry for my reckless words and how I handled certain situations. I was young and scared. I have accepted Jesus as My Lord and Savior. He has changed my life and I am a different person now." She just looks at me and says nothing. She stands up. I back away thinking on my gosh she wants to fight. She crosses her arms and says, "If you have the guts to come kneel in front of me and apologize after everything between us there must be something different in your life. I accept your apology." And she gives me a hug. Still shaking with fear I reach into my pocket and give her my husband’s business card which has our home phone number on it. If you ever need to talk give me a call." 

As I was walking away doubt crept in and I thought I have just given her a way to find me. That could be a big mistake. I walked over to Bryan and fell crying into his arms. I silently said, "God, she did not apologize to me. She did not take any responsibility for all the horrible things she did."  "Kimberley, it is not about her. It is about your healing and obedience."

A few weeks later I was at Gadabout (when I could afford to get my haircut there) and she was right in front of me with her eldest daughter. I just stood there frozen, not knowing how she would react, scared to think there might be a confrontation. She gave me a big smile and hug and said to her daughter, "It's okay. We like her now. Tell the all the family if they see her to be nice to her." (Think Mafia, Godfather-ish) Her daughter smiled and gave me a little head nod. I thought to myself, "Fine I'll take that rather than a fight."

Eight months later, I had just had our first child and the phone rang. It was her. "Kimberley, my son wants to come back into the family and I want to know your opinion. Can we go to lunch?" I was not ready for lunch with her but I glanced down at my newborn daughter and said, "You and I both know people can change especially when Jesus is in their life. If you can forgive me you can forgive your son. Family is too important to let walk away." She said, "Thank you. I hope you and your new daughter will be blessed."

Everybody has a Nineveh, a place they do not want to go, a person they absolutely do not want to reach out to, a behavior they refuse to give up no matter who it hurts, a fear that seems too big to overcome. Jonah jumped on a ship and went to the opposite ends of the world to escape his Nineveh. How far are you willing to go to run away from God?  

I went to my Nineveh and the rewards outweighed the fear!

“Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.” Ephesians 3:20

What Do You Want From Me?

Some days I sit in the middle of my bed feeling pulled in a hundred different ways. Honey can you do this? Mom, I need that right now? Kimberley can you talk? Mom, I need to be there! Babe, I have a meeting! What's for dinner? Where are my socks? Where is my uniform? Did you wash my jeans? Did you pay the phone bill? Did you call your Aunt? Did you pack my lunch? Did you make that appointment? Did you read your Bible? Did you, did you....did you? I have so many hats I wear it can be very overwhelming just trying to keep my head above the water. My floaties often fail and I am left dog paddling all day long. I can get pretty tired if not bone weary exhausted by the end of each day.

What Do You Want From Me? I say this to myself at least ten times a day. In my head, I say it to God, my husband, my kids, my family, my friends, my coworkers, students we mentor, the check-out lady, ....I know an Adam guy made this a song and although I do not listen to his music I can identify with the question.  Maybe I should just start asking people out loud, "What is it that you REALLY want from me?" Let's just cut to the chase, give me the bottom line, and I will check the yes or no box if I can help you out? Will that work?

I thought I would try my idea out on God first, so for the past year every time I get overwhelmed I go to Him and through gritted teeth, desperation, worry; I yell, cry, or strongly ask, "WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?"  The answers have not been what I expected or necessarily wanted. Many times God is silent. He says nothing. No matter if I repeat myself, get louder, or get angry there is not a response. Other times I have heard His words clearly. "Kimberley I want you to obey. Yes, obey! Kimberley I want you to ask for forgiveness. You know you were wrong. Kimberley submit, you are not in charge or even stay away from that with a ten foot pole." 

More often than not when I ask God my question He gently nudges me. I feel the pull to make a phone call, have lunch with a friend, or give an encouraging word to someone. He pushes me to do the right thing even if it’s uncomfortable, to be transparent even if others will judge me (think BLOG), or be loving even if don't want to. When I tell Him, "NO! I do not have the strength to do that." He says His power is made perfect in my weakness. When I tell Him, "I am tired I cannot go another step." He reminds me to cast all my burdens upon Him and He will carry them for me.

When I tell Him, "God you ask too much! You don't really expect that of me do you?" He lovingly points to the cross. When I cry out and ask Him, "What Do You Want From Me?" He simply says, "Kimberley I want everything!"

The "Other" Family

God gives us a family which we were born into. We don't get to choose them; often we probably would trade in a few or all of them. Return to sender. This one is broke. This one doesn't fit. This one just annoys me to death. Luckily or by design, things don't work that way or we might be the one labeled as defective and shipped off.

But God will also bless us with a "family" that might not be blood related but become an important part of us not because they have to but because they choose to be around us. He places people in our lives, friends, co-workers, mentors, students, on our paths that we are supposed to share our journeys with. It is truly humbling because these people could technically walk away at any time. Family guilt and blood don't make them show up. They show up because of the relationship. They show up because they choose to.

This "family" is a treat, a glimpse of the body of Christ. This "family" I love no less. I open my home, my family, and my life to them. They see the good, the bad, the ugly, and the downright crazy. When they walk away it hurts, deeply. So then why bother with people that are not family? Isn't family enough to deal with? Doesn't it get messy and weird? 

The answer is yes! But I can testify that these relationships are worth the mess, the pain, the weirdness. The more people you love on and the more people who love on you, enriches your life in ways that you never could imagine!

Whether we are sitting around my dinner table, hanging out on the couches, or serving in church together, we are investing in each other's lives. We discuss deep issues, make silly jokes, laugh at each other, and share our struggles. We hold each other accountable for our words, our actions, our choices, not in judgment but in love. We try to give each other grace when mistakes are made, feelings are hurt, or wrongs need to be made right. We create a community not built on obligation or guilt but a safe place to be yourself. A place to come and get recharged so that you can go back out and face the world.

Often, people say to us, "How cool that you and Bryan open your home like that. It is great that those people have you guys." My response to them is No Way! You don't understand. Bryan and I are the ones lucky to have them!! Their love has humbled us greatly. Their commitment to showing up and being a part of our family is amazing. The way they love on our kids, serve us , and show respect are blessings beyond what we could ever ask for.

Our "other family"  give me the courage to keep fighting, for a tomorrow that was better than my yesterday. A tomorrow where you can be bold because you have people in your life who have your back. A tomorrow that is filled with hope and love because you have people who will stand by you no matter what. Our "other family" is a treat, a glimpse of what heaven will be like.