Growth Has A Price

"When the storm is out on the ocean and the violent wind gets to blowing......oh take me back, all the way back, to my first love!" 
(Take Me Back by Maverick City Music)

Lord, I want to be whole! I want to be free! I want to be so sensitive to your Spirit that I say what you want me to say, see things how you see them, act like you would act, and love like you love! I want to forgive! I want be renewed and restored! Help me to hunger for your presence and thirst for your word! I want to offer everyone you put in my path; your light and hope!

I don't want to self-protect or build walls that hide all that you have redeemed in me!

I don't want to hesitate to trust or love others because I think the risk is too high.

I don't want my wounds and scars to SCREAM LOUDER than my FAITH!

I won't remain stuck in my hurt, with my head down, going around in circles, lost in the feelings that get me nowhere.

I don't want to pretend or stay superficial because I am afraid people won't like the real me.

Fear has no place here. It takes up too much space. It crowds out your grace, your mercy, your abundant promises, and your truth.

Lord, help me to have a posture of humility rather than pride that comes so natural and robs me of your blessings.

This season of winter will not hang around forever....the "SON" has not left me. His radiance and warmth faithfully draws me closer. Springtime always comes after the cold and the thawing of my heart begins. Seeds of hope take root and begin to break through the hard soil. When the storm blows over there is fresh ground for new growth, new sweet fruit, new opportunities, news songs, and endless possibilities. He is ALIVE in me doing a new thing!

I will not let the enemy steal my songs of praise, my worship will rise up and my soul will still declare His Holy name!

I CHOOSE joy no matter the circumstances.
I BELIEVE in your promises!
I have HOPE that holds on through the strongest of storms.

God you are so good. You are working even when I can't see it. You are there even when I can't feel you. You have never let me go.

Here is to new beginnings, however painful it might have been to get here.
Take me back to my first love......... you Jesus!

"Even the wilderness and desert will be glad in those days. The wasteland will rejoice and blossom with spring crocuses. Yes, there will be an abundance of flowers and singing and joy! The deserts will become as green as the mountains of Lebanon, as lovely as Mount Carmel or the plain of Sharon. There the Lord will display his glory, the splendor of our God. With this news, strengthen those who have tired hands, and encourage those who have weak knees." Isaiah 35:1-3

Stain Remover

My husband had this lime green shirt that looked great on him! The other day, I took it out of the dryer and it had stains all over it. He had forgotten to take out his chapstick from his jeans and I didn't check his pockets. So when I dried the clothes the chapstick had melted all over the whole load! I was beyond bummed!

I was determined to try to do anything I could to get these stains out! But no matter what I tried; Spray and Wash, soaking, rewashing, the oils had seeped in and they were just not coming off. As I looked down at the now ruined shirt, I paused. This reminds me of when I first became a Christian. There were a couple of things that I did not think even God could forgive me, some "stains" in my past that no matter what I did; get baptized, volunteer, cook for the homeless, go to church, teach bible study, give money..certain stains were just not going to come out. They were permanent, soaked into my soul, so deeply ingrained into the fabric of my past that no amount of effort in trying to remove them would be successful. I always felt like I was and would always be irreversibly stained. 

Until I came across this verse. 

"In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace that he lavished on us." 

Ephesians 1:7-8. 

I was floored; these words came off the page and pierced my heart! You see, the word redemption means atonement, deliverance, rescued, repurchased! 

'Kimberley, understand this my daughter. The sacrifice of my son, removed those "stains". There is NOTHING in your past that is not covered by the blood of my son. Though your sins are like scarlet, I will make them as white as snow. (Isaiah 1:18). You are set free, forgiven and not just a little, but abundantly! My grace is extravagantly and generously poured out onto you! I purchased those sins....all of them!" 

"...and the blood of Jesus, his Son, cleanses us from all sin." 1 John 1:7 

Three Little Words

   

 One of God's greatest works in me is my desire to apologize. That sounds simple, almost a given, but in my life, in my family, apologies were a sign of weakness. Saying sorry gave the other person the power to hurt you, throw it back in your face, or manipulate you. Sorry also became meaningless, empty words said until the next time my dad went off drinking for the weekend, stole the mortgage money, or walked out the door on Christmas saying he was going to the cleaners and not coming home for two weeks. My mom rarely apologized and sincerely meant it. If there was a moment she was yelling a sorry she always added a huge BUT...somehow making it the other person's fault.  When I was slapped, or punished, or accused of stealing money that I didn't, there was no ownership of how devastated I was but blame place on the horrible situation we lived in. I grew up in a home where my voice was small, my feelings didn't count, and I was always wrong.
      My serious boyfriend I dated always said sorry until the next time he lied or cheated or said horrible things to me. He attempted to come off sincere and I tried to believe him until the cost was too high. When I apologized to him he would twist my words and throw them back in my face until I didn't even know what my feelings should be anymore. I became a master at closing off my emotions and walking away from situations where an apology was needed.
     I was a new Christian when I started dating Bryan, who would become my husband. He started talking about marriage within months. I freaked out. I didn't know if I loved him. What does real love look like? How will I really know when I love him enough to spend the rest of my life with him? Will there be stars in my eyes, fireworks in the sky? Will God speak in a deep Charlton Heston voice and say, "He is the one" or come to me in a burning bush?
      Well obviously none of that happened. A year into our relationship I knew I loved him after we had an argument. I just finished saying something very reckless. I looked into his eyes and saw his hurt. Instead of going back to what I had learned or building up a wall of pride to justify my bad behavior, I really stopped and took a moment to SEE him. I forced myself to silently acknowledge that I had caused pain to a guy that had treated me wonderfully. He was kind, compassionate, loving, fun, and patient. I fought back the words for my protection, "So what, he will be fine, he is a man he doesn't care that much, he will get over it soon, don't give him any power..." My next reaction was deep regret that my words had hurt him. I truly was upset and conflicted! A switch flipped and I was stuttering out, "Bryan, I am so sorry!" The words felt so foreign coming out of my mouth but they got stronger  as I said them again, "I AM SO SORRY'!  I fell to my knees as I cried out, "I did not mean those hateful things. I am so very sorry." 

In that moment, it was crystal clear to me. I love him. I love this man. His eyes were filled with hurt but they did not condemn me. His face wasn't full of judgment just sadness. Even if he turned this around on me, I love him enough to apologize anyway. I love him enough to risk my fear, my pride, and apologize in spite of his reaction. I LOVE him enough to say I am sorry... no matter the cost. 
     Again a little anti-climactic. Instead of fireworks, whispers of sweet nothings, roses, a sappy Hollywood love story...my love was unleashed with the heart felt words of  "I am sorry". One of God's greatest works in me is the ability to recognize when I have hurt someone, try to take responsibility, and take action by apologizing, not perfect for sure but definitely progress. 

 "Create in me a clean heart. Renew the right spirit in me." Psalm 51:10

God cleaned out the junk in my heart and replaced it with his spirit. He tore down my walls and shined the light in. Three little words said with sincerity can make all the difference. In my life it revealed true love. 

Clean Slate?

Many of think all we need  is a clean slate. A do over. Maybe we move thousands of miles away, get a new job, get married and change our name. We just want to start over,  paint a new picture, or rewrite the story in a better way. Can't this happen? ......Well yes, kinda, actually no!

Yes, your slate on the outside will look clean and fresh ready for your new journey but underneath lurks the old “stuff”. It is still there waiting to seep through. No matter how far you go your baggage, bad habits, hang-ups, hurts, lessons not learned, will follow. Moving and changing your surroundings don’t make it all magically disappear. You can hide behind the “new” you—for a while. But slowly, fatigue, time pressures, loneliness, frustrations, busyness, hurt feelings all cause the old issues to show their ugly face. No matter how hard you might try... your baggage always seems to jump on your back again weighing you down. Don’t believe me? Think you are different? Your situation is unique? Go for it! Try. Try really hard.

God will either bend you or break you!

“Christ has set us free to live a free life. So take your stand! Never again let anyone put a harness of slavery on you. Galatians 5:1 

 “You are called to be free.”  Galatians 5:13a

Unpacking your baggage is throwing down the gauntlet. It is waging a war with the devil himself. Satan wants to keep you in bondage. He wants to keep you in slavery, tied down with hurtful habits, fears, and sins that block our freedom in Christ. He lies and fills us with pride and arrogance making us believe we can do it on our own, if we try... real hard.

“The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. They have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” 2 Cor 10:4-5

Try until you die. But really it is not about you or your best efforts. The war has already been won. The enemy has been defeated.

“My grace is sufficient for you, my power made perfect in your weakness.” 2 Cor 12:9

“Everyone born of God conquers the world’s ways. The conquering power that brings the world to its knees is our faith.” 1 John 5:4 (Message)

“But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.” 
1 Cor 15:57

There was a pool at Bethesda where a great number of disabled people hung out-the blind, the lame, and the paralyzed.  One guy had been there for over 38 years. Jesus asked him,’ Do you want to get well?” The man gave him some excuses. Jesus was patient and replied, “Get up. Pick up your mat and walk.” The invalid was healed.  Many us have been sitting on "the mat" waaaayyyy too long. Don't you want to get well? 

Will you claim victory? Will you just try harder? Will you ignore everything and pretend the baggage isn’t there anymore? Will you accept your baggage as a friend and miss out on abundant life?

Jesus came to set the captives free! Throw off your yoke of slavery! Give Him your baggage. Let Him heal your wounds.

“But He was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our sins, the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by HIS WOUNDS WE ARE HEALED.”  Isaiah 53:5

That’s what is so amazing about grace. We don’t have to try harder. We don’t have to live in the darkness, captives to our bondage. We only have to accept His perfect love. Our slates are not wiped clean by running away. They are wiped clean by his blood on the cross!

Satan at the Sonic Flood Concert

When I was in high school, my boyfriend at the time, had a mom that was a bit off to say the least. On his 18th birthday she took a baseball bat to his room while we were out to dinner. Throughout my senior year she continued to try to make my life a living hell. She went to games where I was cheer leading and threw ice at me from the stands. She would come to my house when my parents weren't home and lean on the doorbell for hours, cussing at me. She followed me around stores calling me names. She came to my work at the mall and threw merchandise on the floor that I had to pick up. She came to my school and called me names in front of my friends. The final straw was when she tried to run me over in the school parking lot with her truck. My parents called the cops, she was arrested, and I had to get a restraining order so she wouldn't ruin my prom or graduation that were coming up or worse hurt me. Needless to say, I disliked her intensely. In fact I would say it bordered on hatred. Instead of celebrating my last year of school and having the time of my life, I was constantly looking over my shoulder and dodging a 42 year old woman and her very large family. She seemed related to half of Tucson.

Fast forward 10 years. I graduated from college, became a Christian, was a newlywed, and serving with my husband as youth leaders in a local church. We were taking a group of about 50 students to the Newsboys, Sonic Flood concert at Casas Adobes Baptist. We arrived with youth in tow, McDonalds in hand, ready to listen to an awesome night of worship. As I glanced around the building I thought wow this place fits a lot of people. Maybe around 3000. My eyes stop. My mouth drops. Sitting about 30 feet away from me sat HER. My old boyfriend’s mom!!  I grabbed Bryan's arm and said, "Oh my gosh. She's here. She is here. Satan is at the Sonic Flood Concert."

I had obviously told Bryan the whole story. He knew just exactly how I felt about her. He knew how she had tortured me. He replied, "So?" "So! So!" I quietly screamed, "What do you mean so? Don't you remember who she is and what she did to me?" He replied," Yes, Kimberley. I remember but that was a long time ago. You have changed maybe she has too. Why don't you go talk to her?"  Through clenched teeth, I said, "Talk to her? Talk to her? Why don't you go talk to her?" With that I shoved my McDonald's bag at him and walked away. I had lost my appetite and was sick to my stomach. I was mad at him for even suggesting I should talk to her. Did he not understand the depths of my fear? The intensity of my hatred?

The lights dimmed and Sonic Flood came on to sing. The song was one of my favorites, If I Could Sing of Your Love Forever. Shaking with fear, anger, hurt... the words pierced my very soul.

"Over the mountains and the sea
Your river runs with the love for me
and I will open up my heart
and let the healer set me free.
I’m happy to be in the truth
and I will daily lift my hands
for I will always sing of when Your love came down.

I heard the spirit say to me, "Kimberley I am the healer. I have set you free. Go to her. I will be with you." No God, No.. anyone but her. Don't you know what she did? Don't you know how horrible she is? She might hurt me." With tears streaming down my face, I sang the words with the band, “I can sing of your love forever..”

"Kimberley if you love me you will obey. Go to her." Lord what exactly do you want me to say? What could I possibly say to her?" "I want you to tell her you’re sorry. I want you to tell her that you have me and I have changed your life."  "SORRY? You want me to apologize to her. I don't have anything to be sorry for. SHE should be apologizing to me. God, she was so mean and hateful. Did you see her try to run me over with her truck?" "Kimberley I saw it all. Go to her." 

At this point I think I might be actually going crazy. I go to the bathroom to get myself together and start making deals.

"God, I do love you but you are asking too much. Besides, there is a concert going on. It is too loud and very dark."

As I am walking back to my place, the music stops and all the lights come on. What!!! It was intermission. They had to turn the lights on to get ready for the Newsboys. "God there are too many people around her. I can't walk through a crowd." I glance over as her group starts to disperse. "God they aren't all gone there are still a few there. I can't talk with students around, it could get ugly."

Just then everybody leaves. It is just her and her sister sitting on the bleachers. "Okay..okay but God  what if she tries to fight me? She is that kind of person. It would not be good to have to throw down at a Christian concert in front of my husband’s youth group. What if I can't talk? What if she wont let me talk? God please anything but this."

"Kimberley, do not be afraid. I will be with you. I will be with you."

Bryan walks over and asks me if I am okay. I snap at him, "I am fine. Do you have a business card?" "Why?" "I don't know just give it to me." With his card in my hand I take a deep breath, close my eyes, and beg, "Please, please God let this be of you and me not losing my mind." I march over and she is kind of up on the front row of a bleacher. The only way to talk to her is to kneel in front of her. KNEEL in front of her! I get down and look up at her. She gives me that look, of hatred. Before I had a chance to speak she sneers, "Yeah, I know who you are what do you want?" I say nothing. She yells at me, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" 

I take a deep breath and say one last prayer..here I go...."I wanted to say I am sorry. I am so sorry if I have caused you or your family any hurt or pain. I am sorry for my reckless words and how I handled certain situations. I was young and scared. I have accepted Jesus as My Lord and Savior. He has changed my life and I am a different person now." She just looks at me and says nothing. She stands up. I back away thinking on my gosh she wants to fight. She crosses her arms and says, "If you have the guts to come kneel in front of me and apologize after everything between us there must be something different in your life. I accept your apology." And she gives me a hug. Still shaking with fear I reach into my pocket and give her my husband’s business card which has our home phone number on it. If you ever need to talk give me a call." 

As I was walking away doubt crept in and I thought I have just given her a way to find me. That could be a big mistake. I walked over to Bryan and fell crying into his arms. I silently said, "God, she did not apologize to me. She did not take any responsibility for all the horrible things she did."  "Kimberley, it is not about her. It is about your healing and obedience."

A few weeks later I was at Gadabout (when I could afford to get my haircut there) and she was right in front of me with her eldest daughter. I just stood there frozen, not knowing how she would react, scared to think there might be a confrontation. She gave me a big smile and hug and said to her daughter, "It's okay. We like her now. Tell the all the family if they see her to be nice to her." (Think Mafia, Godfather-ish) Her daughter smiled and gave me a little head nod. I thought to myself, "Fine I'll take that rather than a fight."

Eight months later, I had just had our first child and the phone rang. It was her. "Kimberley, my son wants to come back into the family and I want to know your opinion. Can we go to lunch?" I was not ready for lunch with her but I glanced down at my newborn daughter and said, "You and I both know people can change especially when Jesus is in their life. If you can forgive me you can forgive your son. Family is too important to let walk away." She said, "Thank you. I hope you and your new daughter will be blessed."

Everybody has a Nineveh, a place they do not want to go, a person they absolutely do not want to reach out to, a behavior they refuse to give up no matter who it hurts, a fear that seems too big to overcome. Jonah jumped on a ship and went to the opposite ends of the world to escape his Nineveh. How far are you willing to go to run away from God?  

I went to my Nineveh and the rewards outweighed the fear!

“Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.” Ephesians 3:20