Almost 25 Birthdays Together...

December 18th, 1995 we celebrated your 21st birthday together! We had only been dating a month but I wanted to make it special! I didn’t have a lot of money but you are only 21 once...and you chose to hang out with me! So I scrapped the funds I needed to rent a limousine because you had never been in one. I knew then you deserved to be spoiled. I loved surprising you and seeing the look on your face when it pulled up to get you. Priceless! Your smile stayed the same even though the driver almost killed us, he limo was falling apart and the food at dinner was not that good. The way you smiled at me made feel on top of the world and it was your birthday! 

When I look at this picture..I see how young we were. New. Untried. Innocent as to what is to come. Insanely attracted :) You were a hopeless romantic and I was a skeptical observer, waiting for the shoe to drop, for the trust to unravel and you to not be whom you claimed to be. We talked for hours, laughed until we cried, and kissed until our lips were chapped 😍 Standing there with arms wrapped around each other I had no idea that I would be your wife, the mother of your children, your partner in everything. I could not even fathom that you were to become the other half of my soul, the love of my life, my rock, my heart. 

25 years later the shoe never dropped, the trust never unraveled and you were EXACTLY who you claimed to be and much much more! You taught me how to love again by being consistent and kind, even when I tried to push you away. You restored my faith in men who back up their words with actions, showed up, and treated others with such respect. Your love gave me courage to face the pain. Your consistency kept me secure. Your patience gave me the space to figure out how to be me! Your encouragement made me believe in myself when I usually had such deep doubts. The way you served others made me a better person to be less about myself. Your faith in how big your God is humbled me to dream bigger! 

When I look at this picture... I see two ordinary people, complete opposites, on different paths that God put together and used to write an amazing love story to glorify Him. I look at this picture and know how ABSURDLY well I was loved, how blessed I am, and what a treasure I was given with you.

Happy Birthday in Heaven Babe, oh how I wish you were here so I can hold you one more time. Look into your eyes and see myself the way you did. Tell you that I still get butterflies in my stomach when I think of you and my eyes light up when I talk about you. I miss you desperately but I will love you for eternity. #Sideways8

“And this world is fading away, along with everything that people crave. But anyone who does what pleases God will live forever.” 1 John 2:17

New Bathroom, Old Ideas

The last part of the house to be redone was our back bathroom. It was bad...really bad. Not only is it small...really small, but it was literally falling apart. No one but Bryan has used that shower in years. We tried to clean it, scrub it, disinfect it and no matter what it still looked gross. We kept telling him he was going to catch Ebola or the Plague from just being in there. But he LOVED showers...really loved them. He liked that he had one area which was his own space, his quiet time and sometimes would take 30-45 minutes. I would remind him that he was wasting water, time, and seriously it wasn't a luxurious experience so why did he take so long? I might have poked fun of him of few times....(leave me alone how could I not). 

"Bryan, most people have a prayer closet to spend time with God. Not a water closet!" "Babe, are thinking you are bathing in Holy water?' Lakin would say, "Dad you don't have that much hair to wash?"

He would always calmly reply back, "This is where I talked to God, dream, and sort out my day." I would huff and puff, but then smile because he was so right, like usual! 

Because we have lived here for over 20 years and some of the conversations we have had after he has come out of that shower have actually been life-changing for us and many others. Important job decisions were made. Kid problems, finances and arguments worked out. Ministries and business were started. Churches were birthed. The Refuge Center, Amplified Productions, Elements City Church, Eliminate Hunger Food Distribution, Generosity Feeds, Serve Sunday, numerous sound systems designed and much much more all emerged from Bryan's time in his extremely tiny H2O Oasis.

His bathroom is now brand new, all the way down to the studs, thanks to leaking water. Grays, whites, clean, fresh, bigger, and better. Oh how I wish he was here to enjoy it...his space, his closet for prayers and dreams. Oh how I wish we would have done this sooner. He deserved it.

But babe, I had to do something little to give it some pop! The pink is to help me smile and not be so sad when I'm in there now. It reminds me to breathe and smell the "roses" when I am surrounded by the memories of you. It's where I go to cry so the kids can't see me and I want to be near you. And Bryan, I also pray in there a lot :) 

#sideways8 

#Godisstillgood
#Prayermatters
#hotpinkismyfavorite

 

Happy 40th Birthday Bryan!

Bryan, 

I know you don't really want to make a big deal about your birthday and besides a new pair of tennis shoes you don't really want anything either. And although words cannot even begin to describe what you mean to me I want to you to know that even after 20 years together, I am still in awe how blessed I am that God gave me you! I sometimes watch you while you sleep (because you go to bed so much faster than me :) and think I could not have asked for anyone more perfect for me! People put you on a pedestal because of your job but a career doesn't make a man. Money doesn't make a man either. Love and character outlast those, of which you are filled with both.

I made a short list of some of the "ways" or memories that remind me how patient and loving you are. Always willing to serve our family and others. You are loyal and steadfast. You make me laugh and did I mention patient? Plus you keep getting hotter as the years go by, which is kind of unfair, but I'll take it :)

You make me feel beautiful when I can't see it myself. 

Tell me I am not crazy even though we both know I tend to lean that way most of the time. (case in point the rest of this letter)

You don't make a big deal about me not being a good cook or that I get lost driving in a town I have lived in for over 25 years. 

You show patience when I refuse to wait for you to hang up stuff and instead end up putting holes all over the walls.

Hide in clothes racks at the store to avoid someone from my past.

You don't make me feel dumb when I wear my pants backwards to work or my shirt inside out.

OR melt a red pen in the glue gun because I wasn't paying attention.

You don't get mad when I make you tear apart the bathroom to the studs even though I had no plan or money to put it back together again.

Wake you up in the middle of the night to talk because I am scared or I just remembered something "really important" that can't wait.

Keep the light on in our room until 2am so I can read "just 1 more chapter"

Get up out of our warm cozy bed because I "swear" I heard a noise.

Help me clean the house because I just watched a marathon of Hoarders.

Bring me breakfast or lunch because "I forgot" even though I work 20 minutes away.

You don't roll your eyes when I get stuck in a rut of buying the same thing at the store even though we have plenty of it. 6 jars of peanut butter and ketchup are needed right?

My irrational fears of driving off the side of a mountain so I want you to drive in the middle of the road, even though that is dangerous too.

Calm me down when I am convinced I have a brain tumor, the West Nile, leukemia, or any other deadly diseases I just read about.

Smile at me when I am trying to convince you to get a tattoo of my face on your stomach in case I die so your next wife will always remember I came first.

Or that I have actually talked to you numerous times about letting me go ahead and pick out your next wife for you because I think I have good taste. (It should be a team decision)

The countless hours that you have coached all three kids, in 5 different sports, standing out in the cold, rain, wind, heat, and putting up with tantrums (from me) from the sidelines, will make a difference in the life of our kids and the people who you have touched along the way.

The list can go on and on, but my bottom line is Happy Birthday to my best friend and LOVE OF MY LIFE! I want to spend the next 40 years with you serving Jesus even if it's from a cardboard box! I love you sideways 8.

Kimberley

Today He Came Home…

Today He Came Home…

My husband was in a car accident today and had to be transported to the hospital by ambulance. When I got the phone call, I flashed back to the time I was told my best friend, Carri, was in a car accident and she didn’t make it. Yes, it was Bryan on the phone and when I heard his voice I knew he was okay…it wasn’t the same thing. But why was my stomach hurting? My voice caught in my throat? Why couldn’t I seem to catch my breath? As he continued to reassure me that he was fine, just a little banged up, my mind was trying to catch up and my emotions were whirling around in my head. I felt fear, thankfulness, terror, and relief all at the same time. I had to keep telling myself, “Bryan is fine. He is coming home. Bryan is okay. This is not Carri. You are not going to his funeral. He is coming home.”

Immediately, I had to start praying, “God, thank you for protecting him. But right now I am struggling. I know in my head that he is alive but I can’t seem to get this hundred pound elephant off my chest. It is getting heavier with each memory of burying my best friend 20 years ago.”

Kimberley, do you trust me?

Yes, God but I kind of want to remind you that this is the love of my life, the father of my children, and I can’t imagine not being together.

Kimberley, your trust can not be conditional. Your joy does not change with your circumstances. Trust that I have a plan for Bryan’s life. Trust that I love him desperately because I created him. Trust in my promise that even in your darkest hours I will never leave or abandon you. “Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.” Romans 8:38. I am your rock and your refuge find comfort in me.

I took in a deep breath and slowly let it out, trying to release my extreme anxiety over anything happening to my husband. I Today, he came home and I am truly grateful because I personally know the outcome could have been tragically different. I will hug him tighter, hold on to him longer, and make sure he never has a doubt how much I love him!! Sideways 8 Bryan! 

“So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. You love him even though you have never seen him. Though you do not see him now, you trust him; and you rejoice with a glorious, inexpressible joy.” 1 Peter 1:6-8

Baseball for Valentine's Day

I am really not a baseball fan. I like sports that are a little faster pace and have more of a success rate (a good batting average is way below 50% and I struggle with this because as a teacher that is an F). But if you know my husband, he is a HUGE baseball fan. He loves to play it, coach it, watch it, and talk about it. FYI...One of our first dates was a Diamondback game that went into a 16 inning overtime, which by the 7th inning stretch I was already trying to devise a way to jump off a cliff. 

So today is Valentine's Day and usually it is about woman. But I wanted to figure out a way to turn the table and make this day special for my husband. He definitely is not going to want flowers, candy, a card, or anything else that looks like a lace doily. A romantic dinner is hard with three kids, a tight schedule, and every place being crazy crowded. What can I do to show him how much I love him? How do I let him know that he LOVES me well and that I appreciate all the things he does for me and the kids, like bringing me ice tea every morning or unclogging the toilets because it grosses me out or playing catch with our son for the 100th million time even when he is exhausted. A card can't tell him that I am the woman I am today partly because of his patience, love, friendship, and consistency over the last 18 years with me. That his steadfast commitment to following Jesus and trusting Him with everything has helped me not worry about tomorrow or stress about yesterday. 

For this Valentine's Day I bought my husband tickets to go see a baseball game. I will get dressed up in my U Of A shirt, get cash for the food concessions, and invite his friends to come along. I will sit there cheering on the home team and will (try really, really hard) not to complain about how boring this is or how I will poke my eyeballs out with a fork if it goes into overtime. I will do this because he is my best friend, the love of my life, and it can be about him for today!

"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance." 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

I Will Follow You...

When Bryan talked about marriage the first time, I knew I was nowhere near ready to be his wife. I had so much baggage to deal with and didn't understand what healthy loved looked like. Over the next few years, I learned how God defines love. Love means sacrifice, serving each other, being patient, kind, not boastful, proud, or rude, keeps no record of wrongs, always protects, hopes, trusts, and never gives up!

On our wedding day, I promised to love Bryan for the rest of my life. At that time I had no idea what it would truly meant to be a pastor's wife. I had no clue what the next 20 years would hold. But I made the commitment that we were in this together. I told him on our honeymoon, that I would follow him wherever he felt God was leading us, even if that meant we lived in a cardboard box. For someone who had HUGE trust issues and grew up without a dad as the leader of the family, this was truly a big leap of faith.

Over the past 15 years, I have followed Bryan in pursuit of the mission God has put on his heart. Sometimes to our family and friends the path we chose seemed ridiculous, weird, and often downright crazy! A few times we were close to living in a cardboard box! But I have never doubted that God was preparing us for each leg of our journey to get ready for the next thing He had in store for us. I have trusted that God has a plan for our lives and he has created Bryan to lead our family. 

Tonight as we say goodbye to Pantano Christian Church, our home for the past eight years, my heart was full of love. Love for the people who believed in us and gave Bryan the freedom to be the person God created him to be. Love for all the people who have supported us and trusted us to lead them. Love for all the volunteers who show up every Sunday and helped us turn Elements City Church into what it is today. Love for my husband for having the courage to do the seemingly impossible especially when so many expected him to fail. And most importantly love for God, who showed me that faith as small as a mustard seed was enough to get me started, trust was worth the risk, and love never gives up! 

Bryan, I will follow you wherever you lead us, even if that means to a cardboard box! Let's do this!!!!

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Cor 13: 4-7

Rose-Colored Glasses

A few years ago, my sister asked me if I thought I looked at Bryan through rose-colored glasses. I answered, "I don't know, why?" She went on to say, "Well, sometimes he does or doesn't do certain things that would drive me crazy but they don't seem to bother you. I wonder if you see him the same way others do?"
      I stopped to think...."Huh? Have I missed something? Should I be more irritated? Is he "getting away" with something? Am I delusional? Mistaken? Do I really not see him as others do and if so is that a bad thing?" After a few minutes of all this chaos running through my mind, I literally shook my head loose (like you see on cartoons) of these thoughts. Instead of the paranoia and mistrust, images of our past 17 years together flashed before my eyes.

• I saw him on our first date all dressed up, new haircut, bearing a beautiful red rose. He took me to a park and set up a candlelight dinner with take-out from my favorite restaurant. 
• I saw him on our wedding day looking at me like I was the only person in the world, feeling so loved and cherished.
• I remembered how he took care of our newborn daughter and me after I fell and broke my arm even though he had never even babysat before. 
• I remembered the support he gave me when we lost our twins.
• I remembered how he got up for almost every single feeding and changed more diapers than me.
• I saw the picture of him bringing me water after I had just screamed my head off at him.
• I saw all the times he has taken out the trash or cleaned a toilet because I told him when we were first married I didn't like to do those.
• I remembered how he humbled himself to hang Christmas lights one year, in the freezing cold, just to feed our family.
• I remembered all the nights I woke him up at 2 or 3 in the morning because I was scared or anxious. He didn't get irritated but either prayed over me or just talked to me until I fell back asleep.

      Do all those "memories" overshadow that he keeps buying bigger garbage cans so he doesn't have to take it out as much or he leaves his shoes everywhere or he is often late....YES, most of the time, it does! Because I CHOSE to remember his loving traits more often than nitpicking about all his faults. (What if he did that to me? I would be in big trouble) I pray constantly, "Please God, let me love this man well. I don't always know what healthy love looks like but I know I don't want my critical nature to tear him down. God, let me see him as You do. Let me focus on the good in him rather than the negative. Help me to CAPTURE my thoughts." I chose everyday how I want to "see" my husband. It can be hard and I often fail. But then I ask God to remind me and play back our life together, over and over and over until I change my heart.

       I looked at my sister and smiled, "Yeah, I think I do look at Bryan with rose-colored glasses because I asked God to help me do just that. I choose to be thankful that I am and have been well loved."

"... But if you think that leaves you on the high ground where you can point your finger at others, think again. Every time you criticize someone, you condemn yourself. It takes one to know one. Judgmental criticism of others is a well-known way of escaping detection in your own crimes and misdemeanors. But God isn't so easily diverted. He sees right through all such smoke screens and holds you to what you've done." Romans 2:1-2 The Message

Before I Said Yes...

Our wedding verses were Ephesians 3:16-19. 

"I pray that out of his glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge —that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."

      We chose these because it encapsulated our relationship with God. When we first met we were both pretty rough around the edges but for different reasons. Bryan was very churched. His grace stick was a bit small and he sometimes said pretty hurtful things using bible verses to back it up. I was a new Christian with a lot of baggage, hurts, and pain. You would think two opposites would not get along right? Well to be honest we didn't at first. We came from two completely different backgrounds and experiences. Our entire approach to life was not even on the same page. So how did it work? A lot of hard work, more laughter, and a ton of God's grace.
      Bryan said he knew we were going to get married after 5 months of dating. I on the other hand was much slower on the uptake. It took me two and half years before I was ready to be his wife. Why so long? Bryan is pretty easy to love if you can get past his laundry situation :) Loving him wasn't the problem. What I had to figure out was could I accept his love and be the wife God wanted for him? Could I forgive myself for my past and accept deep down that God made me new? Could I work through my family issues and not be bound by the generational sin? Could I cast off the guilt of not being "as good as" Bryan seem to be? Could I really be a pastor's wife? I sure as heck didn't feel like I could fill those shoes.
      How did I answer those questions? Well not by looking at my daily horoscope or calling a hot line. Not by vomiting on all my friends until I found one who would just agree with me and help me justify  everything. Not by pushing all the tough stuff under the rug hoping nobody would find it. And not by being in denial and trying to be something I wasn't just so I could become this amazing man's wife. I took over 2 years soaking up my relationship with Jesus. I joined Bible studies to seek out His will. I read my Bible to find out who He was. I went to conferences to learn more about Jesus. 
        I surrounded myself with Christian friends who encouraged me to keep the faith. I mostly listened to Christian music so I could constantly renew my mind and praise Him. I started volunteering in the youth ministry to understand the importance of serving others. I obeyed God when He told me to keep my relationship with Bryan physically pure no matter how hard it would be. I learned to lean into the pain and not run from it because God was faithful in healing my wounds.
      Did all that "work"? Yes and no. It got me on the right path but it wasn't the whole picture. The key was falling in love with Jesus. The true difference was really believing that He died on the cross for me. His blood paid the price for my past. He was pierced for my sins. He loved me enough to die on the cross and He didn't want anything in return but for me to accept him. I said yes to becoming Bryan's wife after I said yes to Jesus and accepted that God loved me more.

How high, how wide, how long, how deep is the love of Christ? Long enough, wide enough, and deep enough to find me!

Fight Fair!

Bryan and I were asked to speak at a marriage conference on conflict resolution. (Of course what happens when we say yes? We immediately get into a huge argument. I guess practicing what we are talking about is important research:) 

We are by far not marriage experts and don't have counseling degrees, but we DO have A LOT of experience. I have mentioned before that I am a fighter...so I had to make sure Bryan knew this area inside and out. It would make him a better pastor right? (See honey, all that arguing in the beginning had a point...to help others :)

During our "research" we came up with four things we try not to do in the heat of a fight, when anger is high and maybe we, I mean I, am seeing red. 

        1) Don't dump truck- this is when you get off track from what is really bothering you and you just dump everything out. You start piling up all the garbage that has angered, bothered, irritated, or hurt you and you dump it. It is hard enough to deal with one problem much less try to sift through a bunch of issues. Try to keep focused on the bottom line, in that moment. Save the other stuff for later. It will get overwhelming real fast if you throw out too much at one time...many give up before they even start.

        2) No Name Calling/Bad language- the minute you lose control over your tongue and start calling each other names or using bad words, everybody loses! Remember this is your spouse, the one who you committed to loving for the rest of your life. Name calling and ugly language tears away the very foundation of love and leaves deep scars that are not easily repaired. Think of a crisp, white piece of paper. If you rip or crinkle it and then try to smooth it out does it go back to how it looked in the beginning? No, that piece of paper is never the same. 

        3) Don't EVER, EVER, EVER Threaten- You are not in the mafia! Never say something you are not ready to back up. This will eventually backfire. If you say it enough times the other person might just take you up on it even when you didn't really mean it.  Especially the "divorce" word. Throwing this word around in a fight opens the door for the enemy to walk right in, cast doubts, stir up trouble, and cause discord. 

        4) Don't Share- When you are mad or upset at your spouse be very careful who you vent to. Try to go to God or a mentor for wise counsel. Using your family or friends is really not a good option. They shouldn't be put in the middle and it might be hard for them to move on after a problem is resolved. Sometimes they actually might be the problem by constantly bringing up the old stuff or helping you justify your behavior.

On the flip side, how do we resolve conflict? Fight fair! (Is that an oxymoron?) Well, this has taken quite a bit of practice, self-control and a whole lot of God's help.

1) Forgive often, and then forgive some more- forgiveness is key to a happy marriage. We are all broken, broken people. When you put two broken people together of course there are going to be  problems! Our own selfishness, desires, wills, issues, and sin will rear their ugly heads and cause us to hurt each other. It is so important to offer grace even when they don't deserve it. This does not mean you don't hold each other accountable. It means you let go of things that weigh down your relationship.

2) Keep short accounts- marriage is not about trying to balance out the scales. It is not 50/50. Sometimes it could be 80/20 or even 99/1.  The list you are making in your head about all the things the other person has not done right and all the things you do ..needs to be thrown out. IMMEDIATELY! Your column might have more check marks but where is right going to get you? Proving to someone how much better you are then them just doesn't turn out well.

3) Listen to hear what the other person is saying- Often in an argument we are not really listening. We are forming our own attack or defense. Stop and LISTEN! Then repeat back what you heard.  "So what I heard you say is.." If you are doing the talking make sure you ask, "What did you hear me say?" What you think you communicated could be totally different from what they heard. 

4) Ask for help- don't wait until it is too late when the damage is done. Pick up the phone and call a counselor, have a conversation with a pastor, do a Bible study together, and most of all PRAY, PRAY, PRAY. Pray for God to change your heart, pray for God to hold your tongue, pray for God to protect your marriage, pray for God to help you see your spouse the way He sees them. 

How often do I fail at many of the above? Frequently! But I don't give up. I fight for my marriage. And with God's help, over the last 20 years, it has gotten better. Thank God :)

"Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires." James 1:19-20

        

A Letter to My Husband's Boss

DEAR........

I am sure your plate and heart is very full with your many tasks and responsibilities at hand but I wanted to hopefully give you some encouragement or at least a few laughs.

As a wife, more often than not you can spend much of your marriage waiting or watching for your husband to find themselves, their purpose, their niche, or come into their own. This can put such a strain on couples, the family, the marriage, when the frustrations of the workplace eek into the home life. When I met Bryan I knew God had a unique purpose for his life. When I committed to being his wife I told him then I would follow him wherever he thought God wanted us to go. If you know my personality this was definitely a God thing because letting go of the known and trusting can be difficult for me.

When he came home and said you guys wanted him to be a pastor at Pantano it took me sometime to digest. I liked him being just the sound guy. It was safer, easier. I told Bryan I wanted to have a meeting with you to ask you what your intentions were for him. I know this sounds crazy but the church where he grew up and served last did not treat him very kind. Watching him being beaten down for three years by his closest mentor, friend, and pastor was almost unbearable. I wanted to be sure you knew what Bryan was about.
Did you see his heart? Did you see his love for Jesus and people? Did you see his potential? Did you know that when I gave birth to our daughter he stepped up and took care of us? Did you know he has been incredible on this crazy journey with my family? Did you know that even though he can mismanage time and doesn’t take out the trash enough… his patience and grace with others is amazing? Did you know he is the love of my life, my best friend, and we are partners in ministry? Will you mentor him with integrity? Will you lead him with honor? Will you polish off the rough edges with grace? Will you respect his wisdom even though he is young? Will you value his opinions and experiences? Will you give him the chance to live out the purpose God has designed for him? 

Obviously, I didn’t meet with you…God put his hand on my shoulder and over my mouth. I asked Bryan, “Do you think this is where God wants us? Do you trust these guys to lead you?” He replied, “Kimberley, I have watched them over the last couple of years. I trust them. I believe God wants us here but you have to be on board. I won’t do this if you are not on board.” With some hesitance and faith I replied, “I told you when I married you I will follow you wherever you go.”

______you have given my husband the opportunity to live out the purpose God created him for. You have lead him with honor and integrity. You have trusted him and valued his opinion. My husband loves and respects his boss. He enjoys going to work even during the crazy meetings :) God is polishing his edges by letting him be around incredible men/women who love Jesus. Some people think it is great to be a pastor’s wife because of their misconceptions of ministry. I think it’s great to be the wife of a man who loves God and is coming into his own.

Thank you,
Kimberley

Proverbs 31..NOT

After you have been a Christian woman for a while you will inevitably hear about or come across Proverbs 31, the perfect woman. There are studies on it, blogs about it, devotionals to help you reach these ideals, and even sermons to remind you what you should become. I have read this passage numerous times and after I get done I feel....less than or actually not even close by a long shot. Without trying to sound blasphemous or irreverent, I do not really like this chapter. I know the Bible was not created to make me feel “good”. I know it wasn't written to heap tons of guilt on me, but these verses slam home how far off I really am. I am willing to be vulnerable for a minute and share how much I do not measure up!!

“She is worth far more than rubies... (maybe turquoise or a nice opal)
She works with eager hands.... (how about a little reluctant and not if I just had a manicure)
She gets up before dark …(not before 6:30 AM, I am not a morning person)
She provides food for her family...(I do go to the grocery store but really not a good cook)
She plants a vineyard....(I can't even keep a cactus alive in my house)
She sets about her work vigorously....(I do work but usually can't get started until after a cup of coffee or four)
Her arms are strong for her tasks....(Before 30 they were pretty strong but now they lean towards the flabby side)
Her lamp does not go out at night....(lights out at 11:00 for this girl)
In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers.... (I do not know what a distaff is but in my hands you will find a cookie and my iPhone)
She opens her arms to the poor....( I have given change to the people at the intersection)
When it snows she has no fear for her household.....(I am terrified all the time..especially during the monsoons)
She makes covering for her bed and linen garments.......(I can’t sew but I did make a pizza pillow in home ec. in middle school)
She is clothed with strength and dignity......(Can you buy these at Target?)
She can laugh at the days to come....(I CAN do this one....I laugh all the time)
She speaks wisdom....(sometimes...but I do talk a lot)
Faithful instruction is on her tongue....(no my foot is often on my tongue because I put it in my mouth all the time)
She watches over the affairs of her household....(oh yes I do know everything that is going on, they call me Miss Busybody)
Does not eat the bread of idleness.....(I am addicted to carbs and love bread especially if I can eat it while doing nothing)
Her children arise and call her blessed....(umm maybe fall out of bed after being threatened and act like I am their servant)
Her husband praises her.... (every other day if I am good :)
Many women do noble things you surpass them all....(After reading this I am not even close)
Beauty is fleeting....(Yep ...feeling this as I reach 40)

So what does this imply if I fail at being a Proverbs 31 woman? Should I take a class? Try harder? Get a tattoo on my wrist highlighting the top 10 things I really need to work on? Know I won't ever cut the mustard so quit now? What does it truly mean if I fail at being a Proverbs 31 woman? It means I am human. Nothing more, nothing less. Just human.

“My grace is sufficient for you, my power made perfect in your weakness.”

2 Cor 12:9

Remind Me

My husband does not always take out the garbage, he doesn't always remember to do the things I have asked him to do, he easily gets distracted and loses track of time...the list could go on. Often it is easy in marriage to focus on all the stuff our spouses do that aggravate or annoy us. We get critical and start picking them a part. We get together with our girlfriends and have a husband bashing session. We forget all the stuff they have done for us and started questioning why we are with them in the first place.

I just finished listening to this country song by Carrie Underwood that was titled, "Remind Me". (I am not usually a country fan it just happen to be on) The song talks about how love starts and how we need to be reminded why we fell in love in the first place. We need to be reminded of all the fun, crazy, sexy, cute things we did as a new couple. How we could kiss for hours until my face was raw from his beard or talk on the phone until midnight not caring that I had to get up early. We lose ourselves in the now, the immediate and the things we loved about him in the beginning, currently drive us up a wall. We need to be reminded that all those "off" or "broken" parts of him caused him to pick us in the first place. We need to be reminded that he is not perfect and news alert...we are definitely not perfect either. Nor....painful gasp...are we always right.

Marriage is hard but I am not willing to settle for good or okay. Girls we can do powerful things when we throw our pride to the side and put all our heart, mind, and soul into loving someone... remembering we do not control the other person we can only control our thoughts and our mouths! I challenge you to start capturing your thoughts and remind yourself of all the good things about your husband (even if you have to dig deep) that you once liked. Try to remember why you fell in love with him or the fun times you had. Every bad thought that comes up.... quickly replace it with a good one. This might be hard...very hard, maybe even painful for some. But just give it a try..what do you have to lose?

I found our wedding album where I had written down some of the reason I love Bryan:
His beautiful smile, freckles, and long eyelashes
His ability to fix things.
His passion for life.
His sense of humor and having fun with him
His patience with me and others
The way he looks at me when I walk into the room
His love for Jesus.

I then made a list of why I love him now:
His hands make me feel more beautiful than I am.
His love gives me courage to face the pain.
His consistency keeps me secure.
His patience helps me erase the past.
He changed a lot of diapers.
He cooks a mean steak.
He still makes me laugh.
When he comes into a room unexpectedly I still get butterflies in my stomach.
He brings me ice tea at work.
He doesn't get too mad when I go shopping at Kohls.
He cleans the toilets.
He loves our kids.
He got up almost every time with me at night when they were babies.
He still fixes things and has saved us hundreds of dollars.
His love for Jesus humbles me.
He  is usually still patient with me :)
He forgives me easily when I act like a nutcase.
He is more beautiful now than when I first met him.

I pray for the courage to face the truths about ourselves, the wisdom to try to not be critical, and the love to overflow our hearts again.

Erosion of Marriage

A few months ago one of the college students we mentor said, "Kimberley, don't you know that we all have to clean up around you and Bryan?" I replied, "Clean-up? What do you mean by that?" Her response back was, "You know clean-up, watch our language, our jokes, our actions, how we talk, what we say? We know you don't like certain things so we 
don't do it around you."

This conversation hit me wrong almost immediately. It did not settle with me for many reasons. Are Bryan and I these perceived goody-two shoes that people walk on egg shells around? Do they think we are so bound by rules that they think they have to act differently or not be themselves around us? I have always tried not to judge others because I live in a very, fragile, glass house. Also, I am who I am all the time. Who I am at my house is who I am around my friends, at church on Sunday, at my work, at the ball field, or wherever I am. There are not five different "Kimberleys" made-to-order according to the situation. Not only does that sound exhausting, what if I mess up? What if I pull out the wrong Kimberley that is not appropriate at the time? Changing personalities does not sound very authentic or filled with integrity. I would question who is the real person or ask if their name is Sybil?

Fast forward a few months this same student was questioning if its possible to be happily married? Everyone around her is miserable, cheating, quitting, separated, or divorced. While, I stated that there are not 100% guarantees in any relationship there are things you can do to build your relationship on a healthy foundation. I reminded her of our past conversation. "Do you remember those things you said a few months ago that you had to "clean-up" around Bryan and me? Those are the "things" we "cleaned-up" to help stop erosion in our marriage.

EROSION: the gradual destruction of something

Foul language erodes relationships. It used to be such an ingrained part of my vocabulary I didn't even notice how much I used the "F'bomb or other curse words. Previous boyfriends called me horrible names and our fights were littered with trash talk especially in arguments. I accepted that as normal. Bryan and I have been together fifteen years and we have had quite a few crazy arguments but we never bring foul language into the mix. I can not imagine now, the man I love, calling me the "B word", telling me to shut-up, or worse. We also try not to put each other down in front of others or call each other names. Constantly bad mouthing your spouse even in jest erodes the relationship. Is the joke more important than your partner's feelings? Is the name you keep calling each other encouraging or degrading? Pretty soon if you hear something enough you will start believing it.

We try to be consistent in who we are no matter the circumstance. There is comfort and trust in knowing how your spouse is going to respond most of the time because their behavior is consistent. I rarely look at my husband and think, "Wow I had no idea about that when we got married or that behavior is totally a surprise!" I don't have to walk around on egg shells wondering which Bryan is going to walk through the door after work or guess which Bryan will show up when I tell him I tore off the car mirror by hitting a tree.

We have chosen to not have our life revolve around alcohol. Alcohol can be very deceiving and overuse can lead to bad judgment even with a person that has great intentions. I have made many regrettable decisions while under the influence. This has no place in my marriage when I need all my facilities clear just to make it through the day :)

Making sure our actions match our words is very important too. Integrity is doing the right thing no matter who you are with even if it's uncomfortable. When I go out for ladies night I don't turn into a person or say stuff that would diminish my marriage vows. When I tell college students about the things I stand for I don't do those things in secret when they are not around. When my husband asks me a question I don't lie no matter how small it seems even when I think he will be disappointed. His trust in my words are more important than "getting away" with something.

Erosion doesn't happen overnight or all of a sudden. It is not always a big catastrophic event that gets immediate attention. Erosion is much sneakier, creeping up on us without much notice. We start accepting behavior that gradually tears us down or wears away our self-esteem. The "little things" begin to eat into our commitments destroying our truths inch by inch. It can take many months or even years for us to finally take a hard look at ourselves and realize we are unrecognizable because of what we have let corrode our souls.

"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. Keep your mouth free of perversity; keep corrupt talk far from your lips. Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you.Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways." Proverbs 4:23-26

R U Kidding Me?

When I see people from my past and we catch up on the past twenty years, the conversation usually comes around to what are you doing, who did you marry? I eventually tell them I just happen to marry a pastor. The reactions vary from a slight nod, a puzzled look, raised eyebrows in disbelief, ignoring completely, or my favorite, a full out belly laugh of hysteria saying, "You gotta be kidding me? You? A pastor's wife? How did that happen?" I get why people respond that way. If you look at my past track records of boyfriends or pictures from high school and college it does seem pretty far fetched. I often chuckle at God's sense of humor with pairing Bryan and I up.

Usually the next questions follow the line of, "Do you drink anymore? Do you miss going out to the bars? Bryan probably wouldn't let you go out with us on the party bus? Do you have to act a certain way? Why would you want to change?" The questions seem to infer that I am not as fun as I once was, I have been brainwashed, or I am just plain weird. I have even been told by one of my old drinking buddies that they miss the "Old Kimberley" and can't understand why on earth I would change so much. The conclusion is that I do not do certain things because Bryan works at a church. But that could not be further from the truth. My life was radically changed before I met Bryan, before I knew we were going to get married, and definitely before I knew he would be a pastor. His job never changed my behavior other than I try not to embarrass him too much.

Why do I act different? Why are my decisions made through a different filter than the past?

I was compelled. I was compelled because of my love. My love for my God whose actions are more powerful than words. Whose words speak life and not death. Whose life sets the example of what love looks like. He transformed me from the inside out. I challenged Him to prove his love and he did by showing me His son on the cross. I challenged Him to heal my hurting heart and he brought people into my life to fill in the cracks. I challenged Him with my anger and He showed me what forgiveness looked liked. I used to want to fill all the voids in my life with all the things the world had to offer. I now know that only God can heal the broken-hearted, bind up the past, and set us free.

My love for Jesus means more than looking through life from the bottom of a beer bottle. My love for him means more than partying, more than putting people down to be funny, more than having all the material stuff. I didn't change because of a job title or the church. I was transformed because of a relationship. I don't do certain things because of the rules. I act certain ways because of my love for Jesus. My love for Him challenges me everyday to reflect Him the best I can.

"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you will prove what is good and acceptable and the perfect will of God." Romans 12:2