Growth Has A Price

"When the storm is out on the ocean and the violent wind gets to blowing......oh take me back, all the way back, to my first love!" 
(Take Me Back by Maverick City Music)

Lord, I want to be whole! I want to be free! I want to be so sensitive to your Spirit that I say what you want me to say, see things how you see them, act like you would act, and love like you love! I want to forgive! I want be renewed and restored! Help me to hunger for your presence and thirst for your word! I want to offer everyone you put in my path; your light and hope!

I don't want to self-protect or build walls that hide all that you have redeemed in me!

I don't want to hesitate to trust or love others because I think the risk is too high.

I don't want my wounds and scars to SCREAM LOUDER than my FAITH!

I won't remain stuck in my hurt, with my head down, going around in circles, lost in the feelings that get me nowhere.

I don't want to pretend or stay superficial because I am afraid people won't like the real me.

Fear has no place here. It takes up too much space. It crowds out your grace, your mercy, your abundant promises, and your truth.

Lord, help me to have a posture of humility rather than pride that comes so natural and robs me of your blessings.

This season of winter will not hang around forever....the "SON" has not left me. His radiance and warmth faithfully draws me closer. Springtime always comes after the cold and the thawing of my heart begins. Seeds of hope take root and begin to break through the hard soil. When the storm blows over there is fresh ground for new growth, new sweet fruit, new opportunities, news songs, and endless possibilities. He is ALIVE in me doing a new thing!

I will not let the enemy steal my songs of praise, my worship will rise up and my soul will still declare His Holy name!

I CHOOSE joy no matter the circumstances.
I BELIEVE in your promises!
I have HOPE that holds on through the strongest of storms.

God you are so good. You are working even when I can't see it. You are there even when I can't feel you. You have never let me go.

Here is to new beginnings, however painful it might have been to get here.
Take me back to my first love......... you Jesus!

"Even the wilderness and desert will be glad in those days. The wasteland will rejoice and blossom with spring crocuses. Yes, there will be an abundance of flowers and singing and joy! The deserts will become as green as the mountains of Lebanon, as lovely as Mount Carmel or the plain of Sharon. There the Lord will display his glory, the splendor of our God. With this news, strengthen those who have tired hands, and encourage those who have weak knees." Isaiah 35:1-3

THIS IS ME!!

The other day a friend made a comment to me, that some people probably couldn't "handle" me. I just laughed it off thinking whatever, probably true.  But today I was doing my quiet time and I thought, "Hmmm what am I agreeing to when I hear that?" 

What lies do I attach to that statement? Am I too much? Not enough? Too this or too that? Do I need to act differently around others, according to their personal tastes? Do I minimize myself so I can make my personality more digestible for them? Is that what I would tell my daughter to do?

"Hey, Lakin, I don't want you to seem too confident, too sure of yourself, or be a strong leader because it might be hard for some people to "handle". So make it a point to know what everyone in the room likes and adjust yourself around that so you will be more liked."

Just thinking about saying those words to her gives me a stomach ache! I can't imagine anyone telling their son, "try not to be too strong today honey or in charge. It might be hard for others to be around you." Blah!!!

Don't get me wrong, I am not blind to my fussy habits or high maintenance traits. But at this point in my life, I am coming to believe THIS IS ME and I am kinda okay with it! Sure there are things I would like to get better at (I tried to lower my voice and sounded like Barry White with a cold) and of course God is constantly working on my heart. But let's be honest, if I am not your cup of tea, rather than try to change or poke at me, you can always make the choice to smile and walk away. No harm, no foul. 

More and more, I want to spend time with people who are FOR ME! Who want me to be the best Kimberley I can be! They see my faults, look past my mess, over my need for control on certain things, embrace my lack of cooking and technology skills, my fast talking, not completing sentences, and love me anyway! I want to hang out with people who won't find little ways to chip away at my self-worth and make me feel less than. They see my heart and know that there is more to me than my "strong" personality and mixed up sayings. (Fold like a piano or slick as a board could be real right?) 

Sometimes these friends will have to pull me aside and let me know, "Hey Kimberley, you missed the mark on that one or 'That did not come off like you wanted it to'. Feedback with intentional love and grace is invaluable!!

Sticks and stone will break my bones and WORDS can be just as devastating. My prayer is to try to look at people, as their own unique masterpieces, created by a loving Heavenly Father, who doesn't make mistakes. And if for some reason I can't, I can choose to just smile and walk away, not tear down. 

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:13-14.

NUMB! I Can't Even...

God speaks to me when I write. It usually is intensely intimate and emotional. Every word typed is clouded with tears of joy, hope, praise, prayers, lesson learned, and often heartache. It leaves me very vulnerable and extremely raw. A month ago, our world turned upside down with our daughter's diagnosis of Type 1 Diabetes. There are so many thoughts, emotions, and struggles that I am fighting with, so many stories to tell. I feel God trying to get me to the place to write it all out. 

BUT I DON"T WANT TO! I am basically putting my fingers in my ears and refusing to go there. I just want to stay NUMB! I can't deal with these overwhelming feelings that are threatening to consume me. I am just trying to survive...day by day, sometimes moment by moment. Keep busy. Stick to my routines. Take care of the kids, the house, the schedules, the church, and work. Don't stop. Don't slow down. Don't think too much or dwell too long on anything. I am not ready to truly go there with you God! I can't even.....

I have always said that transparency is attractive but these next few posts might not seem that way to many of you. I am working out my faith publicly, not because I want to, I would rather struggle privately, but sharing this very personal journey, might help others see that life is far from perfect but God's promises and truths will get us through no matter what. Even when we don't have the courage or strength to handle any of it. 

I Have This Hope by Tenth Avenue North

As I walk this great unknown

Questions come and questions go

Was there purpose for the pain?

Did I cry these tears in vain?

I don't want to live in fear

I want to trust that You are near

Trust Your grace can be seen

In both triumph and tragedy

I have this hope

In the depth of my soul

In the flood or the fire

You're with me and You won't let go

But sometimes my faith feels thin

Like the night will never end

Will You catch every tear

Or will You just leave me here?

But I have this hope

In the depth of my soul

In the flood or the fire

You're with me and You won't let go

So, whatever happens I will not be afraid

Cause You are closer than this breath that I take

You calm…

THIS ONE IS FOR THE BULLIES WHO SAID HE COULDN'T!

Thursday afternoon Landen's flag football team played for the Championship against one of their rivals. The game was intense. The other coaches were screaming and yelling, calling out his number for the players to attack, parents on their sidelines got ejected for being ugly, flags were being thrown all over the place, and the clock never seemed to run down. We were ahead until the last 5 minutes when they scored a Hail Mary touchdown. We went into overtime, each getting the ball on the 10 yard line. We both scored. Now we were in double overtime!!! The sidelines were packed with teachers, parents, and friends. We were cheering them on but at moments it was so quite because we were waiting to see what happened next. They got the ball and through numerous tough plays we stopped them from scoring. We had one last chance to make it into the end zone. HUT..HUT.. the quarterback threw the ball right towards LANDEN! As you can tell he is a big guy. His position is left tackle, an offensive lineman. They are there to be a brick wall and are not known for their speed. My breath caught, I felt like I stopped breathing! OH NO!!! If he drops it, or falls, or gets his flag pulled it's over. He runs as fast as he can..... straight over that magical line and SCORED THE WINNING TOUCHDOWN! All his teammates and the sidelines stated chanting his name, the crowd went wild, and this mom, after I could breathe again, I said a silent prayer, "Thank you Jesus! Thank you Jesus for giving him his moment!"

You see this moment was bigger than football, bigger than a touchdown, even bigger than a championship game. This moment was about my son knowing that God has a plan for his life. That God didn't make a mistake making him. Because a few years ago, Landen was struggling, painfully! 

He was always a big kid and of course in elementary school anything different is an opportunity to be made fun of, which they did. He was called names, made to feel stupid because he wasn't as fast as some of them, and not picked for teams because they didn't think he could play because of his size. One night as I was putting him to bed I noticed he had tears in his eyes. My son looked up at me and said words no mother wants to hear, ever!! "Mom, I am kind of mad at God for making me this way. I want to ask him if he made a mistake." My heart broke. Into a million pieces. I wanted to go beat up all those bullies at school who were tearing apart my precious boy!

I grabbed his face and said, "Landen, you are PERFECTLY and WONDERFULLY made! You are not a mistake! God has a plan for your life. Be brave and HOLD ON because it will all work itself out. I promise! Just wait until middle school when you will grow into this body. It will all come together! Don't let others pull you down. Live your life with integrity and confidence that you have a huge heart which is way more important than how fast you can run." I went to bed crying for him and for all the other kids who are bullied into thinking they are a mistake! Or less than! 

In a week, I know that a middle school championship will mean nothing in the big scheme of things. Our school has a closet full of broken and dusty trophies. I don't even care if he ever plays football again. But to this kid and this mom, that winning touchdown yesterday......that's to all the bullies who said he couldn't!!! Thank you Jesus, for giving him his moment!

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

    your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalms 139:14

Piece by Piece by Kelly Clarkson

I was driving my kids with me to the DMV and the song Piece by Piece by Kelly Clarkson came on the radio. I had heard the song before and thought it was good. But for some reason, that day, I listened to the words a little more closely. They destroyed me!

Flashbacks of my childhood and experiences with ex-boyfriends slammed into me and caught me off guard! It was like a movie reel flipping through a horror film or at minimum a bad drama! Growing up I felt so many times like I was falling apart. Piece by piece. The lies. The hurt. The fear. The abandonment. The loneliness. The pain. The words in the song pierced my heart. It was like they were meant for me....

"But piece by piece he collected me

Up off the ground where you abandoned things, yeah

Piece by piece he filled the holes

That you burned in me at six years old

And you know,

He never walks away

He never asks for money,

He takes care of me

He loves me

Piece by piece he restored my faith

That a man can be kind and a father could... stay"

"Piece by piece I fell far from the tree

I will never leave her like you left me

And she will never have to wonder her worth

Because unlike you I'm going to put her first

And you know,

He'll never walk away,

He'll never break her heart

He'll take care of things,

He'll love her

And piece by piece he'll restore my faith

That a man can be kind and a father should be great"

Of course, I started crying, as I'm trying to drive. I think, "Oh no my kids are going to think I'm weird. Again. The tears keep falling. 

But my tears were not ones of sadness! Sounds crazy right? I was crying because I was overwhelmed with LOVE! Yes, seeing those past images was hard but the stronger feeling that pushed all that away was this song, these words, described my husband! He helped collect the pieces. He never walked away. He takes care of me and loves me. He restored my faith that a man could be kind and a father could stay and be great. My children will never know what it is like for their dad to turn his back on them or wonder about their worth because he left them."

I am crying because deeper than the love of Bryan is the love of my Savior!  My worth does not come from my family, my past, or even my husband. Who I am is a Child of God! He determined how much I am worth by putting His son on the cross. Jesus took my brokenness and put all the pieces back together again. He healed the wounds that were so deep. Burned in my soul. He restored my faith by showing me His perfect love. That I didn't have to earn or doubt. 

My daughter thought I was upset and started rubbing my shoulder. I stared her in the eyes and said, "I am crying tears of joy because your dad is all of those things! More importantly God is the one who guides your dad and loves us beyond anything we can ever imagine!"

"And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." Ephesians 3: 17-19

Superficial Has to Be Easier!

su·per·fi·cial -concerned only with what is obvious or apparent : not thorough or complete : affecting only the outer part or surface of something : not deep or serious : not having or showing any depth of character or understanding

Today, I want to be superficial, syrupy-sweet, and just coast through life! It is like having a cut; superficial is good, heals faster, doesn't hurt as much, and probably won't leave a scar. The deeper the injury, the higher the pain, healing takes longer, it will probably bleed more, and will most likely leave a mark, a reminder of the bad experience. As I look back over the years, I feel a little battered with "bruises, scrapes, injuries, and scars" of being called to go deeper with people. I feel like I have been fighting for so long against the enemy that is devouring many of the relationships around me. People normally "hate the messenger" or usually don't want to be held accountable for their words and actions. Often when you have to speak truth, you are not as well liked and rarely labeled the "sweet" one.

Isn't ignorance bliss?  Maybe I don't want to closely examine things, go against the grain, or swim against the tide. Deep is messy. Character is hard. The truth hurts. Why should I be the one telling it! When people say, "Why can't you just be happy for me?" I am going to say, "Fine! I am superficial and only care about what is going on at the surface level, so sure, let's go with the flow." Seriousness is for the birds and engineers! Today is a new day. I am going to just smile and tell everyone what they want to hear. It has to be easier!

And then I walked into my hallway and my daughter asked me if her outfit was okay. My first, reaction was to say, "Sure! Looks great. Have a nice day." It's easier; she will think I am cool. What does it really matter? I don't want to fight "it" today! But..... I just couldn't. "Honey, I can see why you like that outfit but let's just look a little closer as to what message that shirt and shorts might be saying to others. Even if that's not your intention could it be taken that way? Can you find another option please?" 

A few minutes later a friend text me and asked if I thought it would be okay for him to date before he was divorced because they have been separated for months and the marriage is over except in paper. AGH! He is not going to like the answer! Just tell him whatever he wants, don't get involved, talked around the issue, don't rock the boat! But ....... I couldn't.  "I believe the wise thing to do is to wait until you have gone through the healing process and unpacked why your 20 year marriage fell apart. Having a girlfriend might cause confusion for your kids and that is the last thing they need right now.  I think maybe the focus should be on your relationship with God, not starting something new."  He replied, "You just don't want me to be happy!" Well, there went my sweet, easy-breezy coasting through life, all in an half an hour of waking up! 

"Kimberley, I never promised you walking with me would easy. I promised I would never leave you. Nowhere does it say in my word that following me won't open you up to ridicule, scorn, and mockery. Do not forget you are in the middle of a battle! A battle for truth, "whatever is pure, honorable, right, admirable, and worthy of praise." I created you to be a fighter! But don't fight against how and why I created you. Do everything in love. And remember the battle is not against people but of the principalities of darkness. I will give you the strength to press on! I will give you my Holy Spirit to guide your way. You must stand for something..will it be Me?"

 "Keep your eyes open for spiritual danger; stand true to the Lord; act like men; be strong; and whatever you do, do it with kindness and love." 1 Cor 16:13-14 (TLB)

"My prayer for you is that you will overflow more and more with love for others, and at the same time keep on growing in spiritual knowledge and insight, for I want you always to see clearly the difference between right and wrong... Philippians 1:9-10a (TLB)

Sticks and Stones!

"Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me."

Whoever came up with this silly saying obviously has not been devastated or destroyed by somebody spewing hurtful words at them. Personally, words are very powerful to me. They can express the deepest feelings of love and joy or they can tear down when they are said with hatred and ugliness. I can CLEARLY recall names I have been called, actions I have been falsely accused of, and attacks on my integrity, character and family. I also can remember some of the nasty things I have said, words I wish I could take back.

I heard a song on the radio the other day called Words the lyrics pierced my heart because they rang so true...

                                        Words can build you up
                                       Words can break you down
                                       Start a fire in your heart or
                                                Put it out

                                         Let my words be life
                                        Let my words be truth
                                     I don't wanna say a word
                               Unless it points the world back to You"

In Proverbs it says that the "tongue can bring death or life". Life or death..which comes out of our mouths more? I don't think there is much middle ground. If we were truly to take a look at what we say through out the day where do we fall? I for one CONSTANTLY have to pray over my words!!! My foot is a continual fixture in my mouth!

"Dear Jesus, guard my heart so that what comes out of my mouth brings life, speaks truth, encourages, and is loving. Help me fight against foolish talk, gossip, slander, and foul language. I want to build people up not tear them down! Help me to reflect you well by what I say so I can point everyone back to you!"

"Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them." Ephesians 4:29

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