A Hole In My Heart

This has been a season of many goodbyes. Each family, every person left footprints on our lives. They were all part of our journey, in some way, big and small. We have watched many of them grow up, get married, have babies, say yes to Jesus, go on mission trips to far away countries, take jobs in different cities, and go separate ways. 

Each goodbye is hard. Really hard. When I see their posts on Facebook it makes it real that we are not going to be living life together anymore. When we pray over them I struggle with tears thinking about how much we will miss them. When I see my kids crying or asking if "they" are ever coming back again, I sometimes ask myself if loving people so much is worth it. 

In a few weeks, two guys who are dear to my heart, have both opened new chapters in their lives. This means they are leaving. More goodbyes. While I am so excited about their new adventures and support them following the path God has them on, my heart grieves! I will miss them! They have both made such a huge impact on me, my kids, our community, and our church. We have shared so many life experiences, highs and lows, and celebrated a lot of milestones together. They are more than friends they are FAMILY! The spirit bonds us in a way like no other, knitted together by a higher power!  

I have constantly taught that community matters! Even when it hurts. Even when it's hard. Even when you feel the loss deeply. When someone leaves they should LEAVE A HOLE IN YOUR HEART. A hole in your schedule, in your life, and in your church. It means they were loved, they were engaged, and they served. The hole represents time that was spent building relationships that went beyond the superficial, deeper than the surface. The hole represents the memories of laughter, tears, heartaches, growing pains, mistakes, successes, frustrations, joys, Monday night dinners, and everything in between!   

As I am bawling my eyes out writing this, God promises to fill that hole with His love and He reminds me that most importantly, we are a community of believers that have a common purpose. It's bigger than me, them, all of us. We were united together to bring the hope of Jesus to the heart of the city! Committed to love God and loving others. So the answer to my question, "Is it worth it to love so much?" YES, OH YES! I wouldn’t trade it for the world or for not feeling the pain or shedding the tears! I am a better person for knowing all of YOU!! I am blessed and honored to have walked with each of you, some just a few steps and some years of being messy together!

#communitymatters

#Teeds #Gomez #Harrisons #Livingoods #Kims #Ricky #Trey #Josh #Steyearts #Lauren #Boices #Austin #Baldridges #Banks #Phillips #Johnsons #Clarks #Pinkletons #Prices #Elizabeth #Megan #Jordan #Levi

"They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer.Everyone was filled with awe at the many wonders and signs performed by the apostles. All the believers were together and had everything in common. They sold property and possessions to give to anyone who had need. Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved." Act 2:42-47

THIS ONE IS FOR THE BULLIES WHO SAID HE COULDN'T!

Thursday afternoon Landen's flag football team played for the Championship against one of their rivals. The game was intense. The other coaches were screaming and yelling, calling out his number for the players to attack, parents on their sidelines got ejected for being ugly, flags were being thrown all over the place, and the clock never seemed to run down. We were ahead until the last 5 minutes when they scored a Hail Mary touchdown. We went into overtime, each getting the ball on the 10 yard line. We both scored. Now we were in double overtime!!! The sidelines were packed with teachers, parents, and friends. We were cheering them on but at moments it was so quite because we were waiting to see what happened next. They got the ball and through numerous tough plays we stopped them from scoring. We had one last chance to make it into the end zone. HUT..HUT.. the quarterback threw the ball right towards LANDEN! As you can tell he is a big guy. His position is left tackle, an offensive lineman. They are there to be a brick wall and are not known for their speed. My breath caught, I felt like I stopped breathing! OH NO!!! If he drops it, or falls, or gets his flag pulled it's over. He runs as fast as he can..... straight over that magical line and SCORED THE WINNING TOUCHDOWN! All his teammates and the sidelines stated chanting his name, the crowd went wild, and this mom, after I could breathe again, I said a silent prayer, "Thank you Jesus! Thank you Jesus for giving him his moment!"

You see this moment was bigger than football, bigger than a touchdown, even bigger than a championship game. This moment was about my son knowing that God has a plan for his life. That God didn't make a mistake making him. Because a few years ago, Landen was struggling, painfully! 

He was always a big kid and of course in elementary school anything different is an opportunity to be made fun of, which they did. He was called names, made to feel stupid because he wasn't as fast as some of them, and not picked for teams because they didn't think he could play because of his size. One night as I was putting him to bed I noticed he had tears in his eyes. My son looked up at me and said words no mother wants to hear, ever!! "Mom, I am kind of mad at God for making me this way. I want to ask him if he made a mistake." My heart broke. Into a million pieces. I wanted to go beat up all those bullies at school who were tearing apart my precious boy!

I grabbed his face and said, "Landen, you are PERFECTLY and WONDERFULLY made! You are not a mistake! God has a plan for your life. Be brave and HOLD ON because it will all work itself out. I promise! Just wait until middle school when you will grow into this body. It will all come together! Don't let others pull you down. Live your life with integrity and confidence that you have a huge heart which is way more important than how fast you can run." I went to bed crying for him and for all the other kids who are bullied into thinking they are a mistake! Or less than! 

In a week, I know that a middle school championship will mean nothing in the big scheme of things. Our school has a closet full of broken and dusty trophies. I don't even care if he ever plays football again. But to this kid and this mom, that winning touchdown yesterday......that's to all the bullies who said he couldn't!!! Thank you Jesus, for giving him his moment!

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

    your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalms 139:14

Road of Death...

Today my daughter has a volleyball game in Douglas. She will be going with her high school team, in a school bus, on a 5 hour round trip. Doesn't seem like a big deal until I tell you that almost 25 years ago, my best friend died on this very road in a car accident. The details of that day are gruesome, the after effects on her family and me still resonate with us to this day.

My first instinct was to not let Lakin go. It's just one game. She will get back too late. Doesn't seem worth all those hours gone for about 40 minutes of playing time. Maybe I should just drive her or have her dad go pick her up. That way I can control at least half of the trip. Right?

Then my worry started getting more intense, if you can believe that, and a little more irrational.....the school is near the border. What if something happens? What is their exit plan? I don't want her going to the bathroom by herself. What kind of safety protocol is in place? School zones are notorious for NOT protecting the students.

Once I began to release the doubts in my heart the floodgates opened up and filled me with anxiety that was almost crippling. I CAN'T LET HER GO! It's not worth the cost.

"Kimberley, For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline." (2 Tim 1:7) I know, I know! This is Lakin's life verse that we have prayed over her for years but I am THE MOM! I am allowed to be concerned and fearful of something happening to my daughter. It is my job to protect her!

"Kimberley, I know how much you love Lakin and I hear your mommy's cry, but remember she is mine! I knitted her together in your womb. I have counted every hair on her head. I have numbered her days according to my will. I have created her and have a purpose for her life. You cannot keep her in a bubble. You can't control the world. You cannot "protect" her from every thing."

But God, my heart can't take it if anything happened to her. I want to trust you, I do, but the fear can be overwhelming when it comes to these precious three humans that call me mom. What if I miss something? What if I forget to tell them not to talk to strangers, look both ways when they cross the road, don't be on your phone in the parking lot not paying attention....and, and, and. 

"Kimberley, practice what you preach! You have told your daughter at least a hundred times that fear cannot rule her life. You have shown her how to be brave and face obstacles in her path. You have quoted scripture to her from the day she was born and now you must model it. Lay it at my feet and trust me."

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

Tears at 11!

My youngest son came home from youth group with tears in his eyes. "Mom, I don't have a story with Jesus." I quickly replied, "Lawson, you are only 11. It's a journey. You have your whole life ahead of you." I realized right away that this fast response was not enough to make him feel better. He didn't understand how he was supposed to talk to people about Jesus if he didn't have "a story".

I knew that his sensitive little heart needed more. He needed help to walk out this relationship. I wrote his name at the top of a paper and said, "Let's start at the beginning. How do you think God worked in your life from the start?"

"He let me be born?"  Yes, he knew you were exactly what we needed to complete our family. He made you a fighter from day one and helped you overcome some pretty big medical issues.

What else in your life are you thankful for? "He gave me a family."

Although we are not perfect and somewhat of a mess at times, we love and support each other. That is part of your story. One of God's greatest gifts to you.

What else is something that God gave you in your life? "Friends. Other people who love me."

I made him start listing off all the people who care about him, who take him places, ask how he is doing, pray for him, and invest in his life. The list was LONG!! So blessedly long. As he kept naming off names, we both got tears in our eyes.  "Lawson, how many other little kids do you know that have that many people to love them?"

Can you see a theme in your life? 

He replied, "LOVE"

I drew a big heart in the middle and said that is your "story" with God. He loved you so much he let you be born in into a family who loves you dearly, surrounded by soooo many friends who care about you a lot, and most of all he loved you so much he gave you his son on the cross. Look at all he has done in these short 11 years!

My son stared at me through his glasses and blinked a few times. He remained quiet but the tears kept flowing. "Honey what's wrong? Why are you still crying" (because of course I was feeling pretty good about myself right now with that picture I just made)

"Mom, talking about all these people made me miss my friends who leave or who have moved away. I am sad because I love them."

Really? You are only 11! (I am tapped out with the last question!)

"Lawson, The price of love is sometimes tears and sadness but love is always worth the cost! Would you rather have never met them? Could you imagine life without them? When you share your heart with others, when you talk about your story with Jesus, I hope you are filled with an OVERWHELMING sense of being LOVED WELL!"

My son smiled at me and with a weight seemingly lifted off his shoulders, he said, "Whew, I don't know why I was so emotional. Don't tell Landen (his older brother)."

As he scurried off to bed, I silently prayed, "God, thank you for giving me those words to calm my son's anxious heart. I will be forever grateful that you have put so many people around to love him. I am glad he came home from youth group bothered rather than apathetic!"

"You are loved more than you will ever know by someone who died to know you."Romans 5:8

Piece by Piece by Kelly Clarkson

I was driving my kids with me to the DMV and the song Piece by Piece by Kelly Clarkson came on the radio. I had heard the song before and thought it was good. But for some reason, that day, I listened to the words a little more closely. They destroyed me!

Flashbacks of my childhood and experiences with ex-boyfriends slammed into me and caught me off guard! It was like a movie reel flipping through a horror film or at minimum a bad drama! Growing up I felt so many times like I was falling apart. Piece by piece. The lies. The hurt. The fear. The abandonment. The loneliness. The pain. The words in the song pierced my heart. It was like they were meant for me....

"But piece by piece he collected me

Up off the ground where you abandoned things, yeah

Piece by piece he filled the holes

That you burned in me at six years old

And you know,

He never walks away

He never asks for money,

He takes care of me

He loves me

Piece by piece he restored my faith

That a man can be kind and a father could... stay"

"Piece by piece I fell far from the tree

I will never leave her like you left me

And she will never have to wonder her worth

Because unlike you I'm going to put her first

And you know,

He'll never walk away,

He'll never break her heart

He'll take care of things,

He'll love her

And piece by piece he'll restore my faith

That a man can be kind and a father should be great"

Of course, I started crying, as I'm trying to drive. I think, "Oh no my kids are going to think I'm weird. Again. The tears keep falling. 

But my tears were not ones of sadness! Sounds crazy right? I was crying because I was overwhelmed with LOVE! Yes, seeing those past images was hard but the stronger feeling that pushed all that away was this song, these words, described my husband! He helped collect the pieces. He never walked away. He takes care of me and loves me. He restored my faith that a man could be kind and a father could stay and be great. My children will never know what it is like for their dad to turn his back on them or wonder about their worth because he left them."

I am crying because deeper than the love of Bryan is the love of my Savior!  My worth does not come from my family, my past, or even my husband. Who I am is a Child of God! He determined how much I am worth by putting His son on the cross. Jesus took my brokenness and put all the pieces back together again. He healed the wounds that were so deep. Burned in my soul. He restored my faith by showing me His perfect love. That I didn't have to earn or doubt. 

My daughter thought I was upset and started rubbing my shoulder. I stared her in the eyes and said, "I am crying tears of joy because your dad is all of those things! More importantly God is the one who guides your dad and loves us beyond anything we can ever imagine!"

"And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." Ephesians 3: 17-19

What's the Game Plan?

Most sports teams use some kind of huddle when they are playing a game. The team comes together to receive instructions; have a chat or discussion about what they are all supposed to do next. The people in the huddle usually are a tight knit group, very familiar with each other. They are close and count on each individual to do their part. A huddle is important because it gets everyone facing the same direction, on the same page, and following the game plan. Otherwise, it's easy for chaos to reign. It's pretty painful to watch football players run around like chickens with their heads cut off because they don't know what's going on. So many beautiful throws not caught because the receiver went a different route. So many missed opportunities to score or win because someone didn't follow the plan.

And while huddles are essentials for all those reasons, imagine if a team always stayed in one? Picture the Dallas Cowboys or the ASU Sun Devils (boo) on the field in the huddle and they never say, "Break". They just remain in their little circle of players, in the middle of the field, oblivious to whatever is going around them. They just keep chatting, slapping each other on the butt, laughing, making plans for the weekend, telling each other how great they are, and how glad they are to be part of this amazing team! Ignoring the fans, the other team, the officials, and all the people who came to be a part and watch the game.

That would be awkward right? Disappointing? Maybe even expected from some teams because we know how full of themselves they are right?

But how does this apply when it comes to church? Doesn't it seem churches are doing kind of the same thing ....staying in the huddle or our tight knit groups, congratulating ourselves on how good we are doing but never really executing the game plan? We might be pretty good at putting together a great Sunday service for our members or having an awesome VBS that consists mainly of church kids but how well are we following the Great Commission? 

"Well, we have those words in our bylaws and we have an outreach program, and we do lots of neat stuff for the underprivileged like packing shoe boxes, backpacks, food and diaper drives, cleaning up schools once a year, and giving Christmas presents for kids with parents in prison!"

All of that is helpful and definite ways to get people involved with serving others...but the Great Commission states, "Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you." Jesus is not asking you to create a program or an annual event you put on the church calendar. He is CALLING you to a way of life!

"Huddles" in churches are important! You want to build community, deepen relationships, be close to one another, and be brothers and sisters in Christ so you can lean on each other to face the world! 

But when we fail to truly execute the God-size plan, the call  on our lives to go and make disciples of everyone, we miss out on one of the reasons we needed a Savior. We miss so many opportunities to deepen our faith by reaching out to others and being part of the bigger purpose in our lives. The mission is crystal clear! God didn't give us a suggestion. He didn't say go if you feel like it or can fit it in your busy calendar. He didn't give you the option of sitting on the sidelines because you feel uncomfortable or don't think you really know what you are doing. He commanded us to GO! We all have a part to play, a route to take, a pass to catch. Let's break out of our "Holy church huddles" and start executing the game plan! Let's start inviting people into a life-giving and life-changing relationship with Jesus!  

Not Hiding Anymore!

Since I was little I have been pretty good at hiding either physically or mentally. When my parents started arguing I would hide in my room with my hands over my ears trying to block it all out. When my mom was angry I would hide in my bed under the covers hoping she wouldn't find me. If I knew my sister was after me I would hide in the shower, locking the bathroom door terrified she would get me.

As I got older I got even better at hiding my thoughts, feelings, emotions, and pain. I would escape into a book or deflect what was really going on by using humor or making a joke. If you make people laugh they rarely ask if anything is wrong. I hid behind getting good grades, doing sports, joining different clubs, or dating cute boys. I hid behind walls of self-made protection not really wanting people to see what was going on at home. If you act like everything is fine most people are more comfortable with that. I got really good at pretending like nothing was the matter even though inside I wanted someone, anyone, to see everything was falling apart. So I continued to hide behind the fake smiles, the partying, and the superficial and unhealthy relationships.

But since I met Jesus I refuse to HIDE ANYMORE! I know sometimes I can be raw, intense, or a little too much. I might wear my emotions on my face or my feelings on my sleeve but I have nothing to hide. My past is behind me. Other people's actions do not define me. Tears do not make me weak. Knowing I am loved and loving others makes me stronger! If you see me at work, at home, at church, or out with my friends, I am the same person. I don't change who I am to fit those around me.

I feel things deeply. I love others a lot! I am passionate about many things! I have opinions and do not like injustice. I have a voice and I am not afraid to use it even when it's uncomfortable. I sometimes care more about the truth than if I am well liked. I don't hide behind closed doors. Afraid. Ashamed. Scared of what people might think. I know my identity is not in how much money I make, what house I live in, what car I drive, the size of my waist, or how good my kids do in school and sports.

I try not to act like I have it all together. I am a bit rough around the edges but hopefully more real than not. I am flawed and broken. I make a lot of mistakes. But I still refuse to hide. Jesus doesn't live in the darkness and he is okay with the messy. He doesn't ask for perfection but He does ask for me to show up. Whenever I feel the urge to hide under my covers or with my hands over my ears blocking out all the pain, He gently whispers, "Kimberley, I love you no matter what! Nothing you do can make me love you any less and nothing you do can make me love you anymore. I love you just because you are mine! You don't have to hide anymore!"

What are you hiding from? Isn't it time to stop and claim the promises of God?

"He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners..." Isaiah 61:1

Good News At Last!!

Lawson has been seeing an eye doctor since he was a year old. He has gone through patches, prisms, eye drops, therapy, and even surgery! He got his first pair of glasses at 14 months and we just replaced his frames last week which pushed his number of glasses to 41 pairs! Today we went to get his eyes checked because he was having trouble seeing out if his left one. This kid rarely complains so my first thought was not another issue with his vision :( We sat in the doctor's office and I waited, holding my breath, praying, trying not to show my worry to my son. I flashed back to all the things this third child of mine has had to overcome and was gearing up for the next hurdle.

The doctor asked Lawson a bunch of questions and to read the letters on the wall. When he kept missing them I started to panic. (No Bryan was not around to give me the calm down face) I wanted him to pass so bad I almost felt like giving him the answers!! Just a whisper here and there if you will. What's the big deal? Kimberley, get a hold of yourself! What kind of mom wants to help their son cheat on his eye exam?? (Again Bryan was not there to give me the," Are you crazy, pull it together!" look). But we have been here so many times before and I just didn't want him to have to deal with one more thing!

Finally, after what seemed like forever (we had been there over 2 hours) the doctor turns to me and says, "The reason Lawson can't see is.......his prescription is too powerful! His eyes have gotten better and these glasses are just too strong now."

What? What does that even mean? He has had trouble seeing since birth. I am expecting bad news again. I just know you are going to tell me he is going to need surgery a second time. Is this good? Why am I having trouble intaking this positive news?

"No, I do not think Lawson will need surgery as a teenager. His eyes are correcting themselves with his glasses on to almost 20/20. Everything looks great. In fact, he was not a candidate for soft contact lens because his eyes were so bad but because of the improvement he can wear them anytime he is ready. Bad news, he is going to need a new pair of glasses because his prescription HAS changed. "

Doctor that is not bad news that is an answer to prayer! An answer to prayer from a very weak momma who sometimes doubts the BIGNESS of God. It is one more example of God's glory no matter how small my faith seems at times. Even if the outcome would have gone the other way, God has THIS! Lawson is a gift from Him no matter what and a blessing to us! So he is worth the extra $350 dollars they will cost. Bring on the 42nd pair of glasses!

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13