Not Hiding Anymore!

Since I was little I have been pretty good at hiding either physically or mentally. When my parents started arguing I would hide in my room with my hands over my ears trying to block it all out. When my mom was angry I would hide in my bed under the covers hoping she wouldn't find me. If I knew my sister was after me I would hide in the shower, locking the bathroom door terrified she would get me.

As I got older I got even better at hiding my thoughts, feelings, emotions, and pain. I would escape into a book or deflect what was really going on by using humor or making a joke. If you make people laugh they rarely ask if anything is wrong. I hid behind getting good grades, doing sports, joining different clubs, or dating cute boys. I hid behind walls of self-made protection not really wanting people to see what was going on at home. If you act like everything is fine most people are more comfortable with that. I got really good at pretending like nothing was the matter even though inside I wanted someone, anyone, to see everything was falling apart. So I continued to hide behind the fake smiles, the partying, and the superficial and unhealthy relationships.

But since I met Jesus I refuse to HIDE ANYMORE! I know sometimes I can be raw, intense, or a little too much. I might wear my emotions on my face or my feelings on my sleeve but I have nothing to hide. My past is behind me. Other people's actions do not define me. Tears do not make me weak. Knowing I am loved and loving others makes me stronger! If you see me at work, at home, at church, or out with my friends, I am the same person. I don't change who I am to fit those around me.

I feel things deeply. I love others a lot! I am passionate about many things! I have opinions and do not like injustice. I have a voice and I am not afraid to use it even when it's uncomfortable. I sometimes care more about the truth than if I am well liked. I don't hide behind closed doors. Afraid. Ashamed. Scared of what people might think. I know my identity is not in how much money I make, what house I live in, what car I drive, the size of my waist, or how good my kids do in school and sports.

I try not to act like I have it all together. I am a bit rough around the edges but hopefully more real than not. I am flawed and broken. I make a lot of mistakes. But I still refuse to hide. Jesus doesn't live in the darkness and he is okay with the messy. He doesn't ask for perfection but He does ask for me to show up. Whenever I feel the urge to hide under my covers or with my hands over my ears blocking out all the pain, He gently whispers, "Kimberley, I love you no matter what! Nothing you do can make me love you any less and nothing you do can make me love you anymore. I love you just because you are mine! You don't have to hide anymore!"

What are you hiding from? Isn't it time to stop and claim the promises of God?

"He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners..." Isaiah 61:1

Good News At Last!!

Lawson has been seeing an eye doctor since he was a year old. He has gone through patches, prisms, eye drops, therapy, and even surgery! He got his first pair of glasses at 14 months and we just replaced his frames last week which pushed his number of glasses to 41 pairs! Today we went to get his eyes checked because he was having trouble seeing out if his left one. This kid rarely complains so my first thought was not another issue with his vision :( We sat in the doctor's office and I waited, holding my breath, praying, trying not to show my worry to my son. I flashed back to all the things this third child of mine has had to overcome and was gearing up for the next hurdle.

The doctor asked Lawson a bunch of questions and to read the letters on the wall. When he kept missing them I started to panic. (No Bryan was not around to give me the calm down face) I wanted him to pass so bad I almost felt like giving him the answers!! Just a whisper here and there if you will. What's the big deal? Kimberley, get a hold of yourself! What kind of mom wants to help their son cheat on his eye exam?? (Again Bryan was not there to give me the," Are you crazy, pull it together!" look). But we have been here so many times before and I just didn't want him to have to deal with one more thing!

Finally, after what seemed like forever (we had been there over 2 hours) the doctor turns to me and says, "The reason Lawson can't see is.......his prescription is too powerful! His eyes have gotten better and these glasses are just too strong now."

What? What does that even mean? He has had trouble seeing since birth. I am expecting bad news again. I just know you are going to tell me he is going to need surgery a second time. Is this good? Why am I having trouble intaking this positive news?

"No, I do not think Lawson will need surgery as a teenager. His eyes are correcting themselves with his glasses on to almost 20/20. Everything looks great. In fact, he was not a candidate for soft contact lens because his eyes were so bad but because of the improvement he can wear them anytime he is ready. Bad news, he is going to need a new pair of glasses because his prescription HAS changed. "

Doctor that is not bad news that is an answer to prayer! An answer to prayer from a very weak momma who sometimes doubts the BIGNESS of God. It is one more example of God's glory no matter how small my faith seems at times. Even if the outcome would have gone the other way, God has THIS! Lawson is a gift from Him no matter what and a blessing to us! So he is worth the extra $350 dollars they will cost. Bring on the 42nd pair of glasses!

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13