TOXIC people

def. toxic- 1) extremely harsh, malicious, or harmful 2) exhibiting symptoms of infection 3) poisonous material especially when capable of causing death or serious debilitation.

Synonyms: harmful, unhealthy, venomous, deadly, lethal

Most of us see a skull and crossbones on a bottle or a can and we stay clear or at least handle it with the utmost caution. We acknowledge that the contents could be harmful if not deadly. One small bit of the chemical botox on your skin can kill you within minutes. Other substances like nicotine can take years to kill you slowly and painfully. 

We have warning labels on almost everything from Christmas trees to flammable pajamas to household cleaners. Why don't people come with some kind of warnings: toxic ...do not engage in any kind of relationship with this person. May cause irreversible damage, drag your emotions through the mud, stomp your heart to smithereens, and may infect your brain causing insanity.

Most of us have at least one relationship that we can relate this to. Maybe it was a boy/girlfriend, spouse, family member, boss or coworker, or a person we were close to. Some of us did not heed the warning labels or ignored the signs of danger all together! We chose not to listen or wanted to take the risks no matter the cost. We chose to constantly put ourselves in peril.

Since people don't have skulls and crossbones tattooed (mostly) on their foreheads, how are we to navigate in relationships? What are we to do? Be fearful? Run scared? Stay away?

Relationships can be intimidating but it doesn't mean you shouldn't engage. We are designed to live in community with each other. We are created to share our burdens, rejoice and mourn together, and most of all to love, everyone! People are messy, broken, and yes sometimes toxic. And since they don't come with instructions, handle with care, take caution, read the warning signs, and if you are having trouble understanding the labels get help. Ask people who are not scared to be honest with you. 

"If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him." James 1:5 

Dating at 13?

Conversation with 13 year old daughter about dating:

"Mom, I am the only one at my lunch table without a boyfriend!"

Breathe...Breathe..don't blow this conversation off or be flippant , Kimberley. These are the teachable moments with your daughter. "Lord, help me be wise. Give me the words to say to her."

"I can see how frustrating that can be. Do you want to know why dad and I have made this decision?"

"Because you think it’s dumb? Because you see no point. And you are just stricter?"

Lakin, we don't want you to date at 13 not because you are the daughter of a pastor. Not because we want you to feel left out and not because we think its "dumb". This decision was not made just to have a rule for you to follow or to stick it to you. We do not think it is wise for you to focus on boys in that context right now. We know you are going to have crushes and talk about boys a lot with your friends for the next few years. And that's okay. But we want your self-worth to come from the ONE who created you not from an immature teenage boy. We want you to have time to figure out what being a teenager looks like without worry about kissing and holding hands added to the mix. Those things will come and they are fun, but we want you to have a little more foundation of who you are before you have a boyfriend speak into your life."

When your heart gets broken, and it will, we want you to know without a shadow of a doubt that YOU are the daughter of a mighty, mighty King. Your self-worth is not found in a guy, it is not found in a relationship, it is not found among your friends at the lunch table. You are worthy because of the cross!

I ask that you trust me and give it a little more time. Take this season to guard your heart and figure out how you want to be treated. It's not about a perfect age for dating it’s about not rushing through life ahead of what you can handle. You are amazing and I love you!

"Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. Keep putting into practice all you learned and received from me—everything you heard from me and saw me doing. Then the God of peace will be with you." Philippians 4:8-9

My Paperwork...Fail?

When I first became a Christian I definitely felt like I didn't "fit in" with church people. We didn't have a lot in common. There seemed to be these unspoken rules of how to act or "appropriate" behavior that I didn't know much about. For instance, when going to a white elephant party at the worship leader's house don't bring a gift from the store, Spencers...you know the one in the mall with the blackened out windows? A flower made out of condoms is not funny to Baptists. Who knew? At that time in my life I thought it was somewhat tasteful and mild compared to the parties I had been attending. Or when asked in a small group how much I used to drink, the response, "Well, we could count every finger and toe of all the people in this room, times them by 10 and maybe get close", didn't go over well with the crowd. Every time I made one of these "faux pas" I would usually say a swear word and yell at God, "I told you this wasn't for me. I will never fit in. When they see my paperwork I don't pass the test. I feel like they are putting a stamp on it, FAILED or REJECTED!" My comfort zones were bars or parties. At least there I would be accepted especially as people got drunker."

Am I supposed to blend? Not be completely honest? Just smile and act like I understood everything being said at Bible study? Agree with things that seem absurd to me? I pretty much stood out like a sore thumb. Oh yeah, did I mention that I happened to like the poster "choir boy" of the college department? Yes, Bryan was the complete opposite of me in almost every way. We came from different backgrounds to say the least. Dating him caused me to feel like I had to show people my "paperwork", my qualifications for being good enough for him. Again many times "failed or rejected" came across people's faces when they heard about my past.

One night our college leader asked me to give my story to the group. My first response was "hell.. I mean heck darn NO!" That night I prayed about it, again, maybe yelled a bit. "God, are you kidding me? Tell my story? I am just hanging on here! There is no way I am putting myself out there for all these people to judge me. They already look at me weird and act like I am not good enough for Bryan. Can you imagine the reaction if I really opened up? 
Thanks for understanding. I knew this would be a mistake. You don't really want me to say yes...right? Right?"

"Kimberley, I want you to say yes." 

"No God, No! Please don't ask this me. I am embarrassed. I am scared. They will use this information against me. His sister will be there. His parents will find out. Anything but this!"

"Kimberley, no one in that group, not one, is perfect. You have been created new, through my son. Tell our story. Let them know where I found you and what your life looks like now. Be honest, be real, let them see ME through you. Many will judge but remember your identity is in ME!"

Three weeks later I gave my testimony for the first time, with Bryan's sister sitting on the front row and his ex-girlfriend right next to her. Right before I was to begin, I begged God one more time for me not to do this. His answer was, "Kimberley, trust me. I did not give you a spirit of fear. Go!" 

How did it turn out? Well, I was judged by some. Part of my story that I told was thrown into my face years later when I was about to marry Bryan. But I never regretted that night. That night, I said yes. I obeyed. And have never looked back. My paperwork was bought by His blood on the cross!

"He is so rich in kindness and grace that He purchased our freedom with the blood of His Son and forgave our sins." Ephesians 1:7 (NLT)

New Relationship? Don't Lose Your Mind!

Many of us love having a new relationship. We love the excitement of the first date, the first kiss, the long conversations, texting until our fingers fall off, holding hands, laughing together, and just spending time getting to know the other person. Sometimes we get so caught up in all the hype and fun we forget to keep our head screwed on right. We start to lose ourselves or compromise on important things. I recommend having a game plan before you start any new relationship. Failure to plan usually ends up.. well in..failure! I've heard it all before, "I will be different. It won't happen to me. I will listen to people. I am in control.....blah,blah,blah." But let's be honest. Relationships are powerful. Good or bad they have the ability to drastically change your life. Something this serious needs to be well thought out and prayed over...a lot!
 
1. Have your non-negotiables prepared BEFORE you get into a new relationship. This isn't, "I have to have him be 6 feet tall or she has to have blonde hair."  What are the three to four things that you are not willing to compromise on? What are your core beliefs that you will stand firm on, no matter how much "in love" you become?  Maybe something like, "The person I am dating has to be actively pursuing a life with Jesus or I won't give up my relationship with Jesus no matter what or I will remain physically pure until marriage."

2. Have accountability set up with people you trust and won't dismiss when they tell you something you don't want to hear. Too many times to count people kick their accountability partners to the curb or better yet hide things from them. Seriously? Playing hide-and-go-seek is for children not adults trying to figure out a dating life. Who are you really hurting?

3. Don't vomit your past. I don't advocate keeping secrets but I do think it is wise to gradually get to know one another, building on a foundation of friendship and trust before you throw out all your junk. Make sure the other person is stable, mature enough, and ready for you to share.

4. Ask yourself, often, "Am I better person when I am around them?" If the answer is no, run, FAST. Life is hard enough without being around someone who brings you down, makes you feel crazy all the time, or helps you turn into someone you dislike. Look in the mirror...do you recognize the person staring back? And if so do you like that person anymore?

5. You are not buying a car, so get rid of your checklist. This doesn't mean ignore red flags or compromise on your non-negotiables. It means when you buy a car or a house you can ask for your "perfect wish list" but when you are talking about dating a human being having a critical nature or a page long checklist of all your "ideals" might make you miss out on a great person.

6. Don't ignore red flags. If something sits wrong with you or seems off, keep asking questions until you get answers. If it is a red flag in dating it can be a detrimental life-changer in marriage.

7. Talk often about IMPORTANT things. It amazes me how many couples get engaged or even married without really knowing the other person. Get past the superficial and engage in serious conversations that give you an idea of exactly who this person is and what they believe.

8. Don't seclude. It is not healthy to cast off all your friends or ignore your family because you are so obsessed with this new relationship. Keep a balance. Keep people around that will see if you are changing into something you shouldn't or they are seeing things that might be a red flag that you are ignoring.

9. Don't over spiritualized everything. I have heard the "God card" overplayed and used when people want to twist things into their own desires and God has nothing to do with it. Deep down you know if it really is the Holy Spirit guiding you or really your selfishness to get what you want no matter the cost.

10. Take TIME. It is not a race (no matter how old you are). When you're rushing through the relationship you probably are missing out on important milestones. Relationships should be about seasons spent together and living life together in them. If you skip over all this you might be jumping into something without getting the full picture.

11. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO DIFFERENT? This is probably not your first relationship. Ask yourself, how is this one going to be any different than the last one? Dig deep. Be honest. You might be caught in a cycle of continually making one bad decision after another. 

"Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." -Einstein 

Sadly most people will ignore the above advice and do it all on their own. 

"This is what the Lord says:“ Cursed are those who put their trust in mere humans, who rely on human strength and turn their hearts away from the Lord. They are like stunted shrubs in the desert, with no hope for the future."  Jeremiah 17:5-6a

Before I Said Yes...

Our wedding verses were Ephesians 3:16-19. 

"I pray that out of his glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge —that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."

      We chose these because it encapsulated our relationship with God. When we first met we were both pretty rough around the edges but for different reasons. Bryan was very churched. His grace stick was a bit small and he sometimes said pretty hurtful things using bible verses to back it up. I was a new Christian with a lot of baggage, hurts, and pain. You would think two opposites would not get along right? Well to be honest we didn't at first. We came from two completely different backgrounds and experiences. Our entire approach to life was not even on the same page. So how did it work? A lot of hard work, more laughter, and a ton of God's grace.
      Bryan said he knew we were going to get married after 5 months of dating. I on the other hand was much slower on the uptake. It took me two and half years before I was ready to be his wife. Why so long? Bryan is pretty easy to love if you can get past his laundry situation :) Loving him wasn't the problem. What I had to figure out was could I accept his love and be the wife God wanted for him? Could I forgive myself for my past and accept deep down that God made me new? Could I work through my family issues and not be bound by the generational sin? Could I cast off the guilt of not being "as good as" Bryan seem to be? Could I really be a pastor's wife? I sure as heck didn't feel like I could fill those shoes.
      How did I answer those questions? Well not by looking at my daily horoscope or calling a hot line. Not by vomiting on all my friends until I found one who would just agree with me and help me justify  everything. Not by pushing all the tough stuff under the rug hoping nobody would find it. And not by being in denial and trying to be something I wasn't just so I could become this amazing man's wife. I took over 2 years soaking up my relationship with Jesus. I joined Bible studies to seek out His will. I read my Bible to find out who He was. I went to conferences to learn more about Jesus. 
        I surrounded myself with Christian friends who encouraged me to keep the faith. I mostly listened to Christian music so I could constantly renew my mind and praise Him. I started volunteering in the youth ministry to understand the importance of serving others. I obeyed God when He told me to keep my relationship with Bryan physically pure no matter how hard it would be. I learned to lean into the pain and not run from it because God was faithful in healing my wounds.
      Did all that "work"? Yes and no. It got me on the right path but it wasn't the whole picture. The key was falling in love with Jesus. The true difference was really believing that He died on the cross for me. His blood paid the price for my past. He was pierced for my sins. He loved me enough to die on the cross and He didn't want anything in return but for me to accept him. I said yes to becoming Bryan's wife after I said yes to Jesus and accepted that God loved me more.

How high, how wide, how long, how deep is the love of Christ? Long enough, wide enough, and deep enough to find me!

All the Single Ladies: No Short-Cuts

      If you were going to train for a tri-athalon you would probably have a pretty intense workout schedule to follow. Conditioning, running, swimming, biking, and resting would all be incorporated into the plan. You couldn't cut corners or slack off in one area otherwise your performance might suffer. Your race would be subpar because you didn't have the stamina to finish well because of the short cuts you took. How about if you were going into surgery and you knew your doctor wanted to take short cuts. Maybe he wanted to save money so he wasn't going to use the best tools or he wasn't prepared because he was really busy that week or he was very tired and was trying to hurry so he could get to dinner so he cut corners in stitching you up. What if your child's teacher wanted to take short cuts with their learning?
     If we don't want to take short cuts in most areas in our lives why do we think it's okay to take them in relationships? We start dating and instead of taking our time to get to know each other we rush into "love". We don't do the training, deal with our issues, listen to wisdom, have accountability, rest in God, and prepare for marriage. We start taking short cuts. "No, we don't need to date more than six months we are in LOVE. It's okay to be sexually active because we are going to marry eventually. We don't need to work on our issues we will do it together after we get married. We don't need counseling we know each other inside and out. What would they tell us anyway?"
      So many times we see couples not doing the pre-work in their relationships. They take short cuts around the hard stuff. They skip over the obedience to God's will and his idea for what a Godly couple should look like. They want to do everything their way without any accountability  They put more planning into the weeding day then they do for planning for a lifetime of marriage.
    Two months, six months, one year, 5 years, 7, 10 years into the marriage, they look around and say, "What happened? Why are we so unhappy? What went wrong? This is not what I expected!"
     Right....but did you do the work before hand? Did you actually prepare for God's idea of marriage? Did you deal with problems as they came up or push off until after the wedding? Did you figure out how to communicate without using your body? Did you try to figure out what you needed to do to become the wife or husband God wants you to? How many short cuts did you take? It is not a dash to the finish line...it's a choice to not take short cuts, do the work, keep going, and finish well.

"The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge, 

but fools despise wisdom and instruction." Proverbs 1:7

All the Single Ladies: The Break up

How do you know when it is really over? Kaput? Finished? Finito? Final? Done with? Broken off? Shut Down? Party over?

     This is often the painful part. The time when a relationship comes to an end and we have to say goodbye to someone we liked, loved, was crazy for, or maybe even kind of hated. We say good bye to what might have been and the memories shared. While it can be very devastating, it is also the time when we as ladies somehow go from highly intelligent human beings able to process information in large amounts to stubborn, don't get it, can't wrap our brains around the words he is saying. This may lead us into the murky waters of complete and utter denial. We sit around with our friends OBSESSING over what happened? Why? How didn't I see this coming? We pick a part EVERY little detail about the break up until we have ourselves in such an emotional tizzy we justify everything or we go on the attack to get the "REAL" reason why he ended it.
      After countless talks with many males, some who are really nice guys and some who are pond scum, I have found out a few awful, hard to digest truths, that we ladies just don't want to really believe. If you want to continue living in denial please read no further...it gets ugly.

1. When guys finally have the break up talk with you..they lie about half the stuff they are saying. Most of them are trying to be nice guys and not hurt your feelings so they skirt around the truth if not downright lie. "It's me not you"... no it is really you. "I just have a lot going on right now"....really? "I don't think God wants me in a relationship." Ever? Bottom line, the lame excuses are covering up that they just don't want to date you anymore and don't know how to say it. We girls say we want honesty but in reality a guy telling us we are bad kissers, we chew with our mouths open, or they aren't feeling it doesn't come off well.
2. It was not "all of a sudden" or "out of the blue". They have been checking off boxes in their heads about things that didn't set well with them for a while. When they finally break up it has probably been weeks if not months of thinking about it before they got the courage to officially break it off.
3. When guys break up with you they are DONE. Rarely do they mope around, listen to old songs, Facebook stalk you, or drive by your house. They are really done. I asked my husband, who I consider a stand up kind of guy, how he felt after he dated a girl for almost two years and then broke up with her. "Honey were you just done? Did you ever go by her house or think of her when a special song came on? Or miss her?" His answer, "No not really. I was done." So I pushed him, "What do you mean by done? Didn't you still have memories that you shared that came up? That made you go hmmm? or special places you went that would remind you of her?" Again, he says, "No not really. I rarely thought about her after we broke up. She made it worse by being clingy and hanging on so long afterwards. I do miss her mom's tacos though!"
4. Many times they already have someone else in mind. Yes..gulp this one is tough to hear. Since they have been kind of breaking up with you for months in their head...they probably have been kind of scoping out other prospects too. We are often shocked at how fast they get another girlfriend after the "break up" and like to blame it on the other girl... but really? She didn't make the commitment to you. 
5. They get over us easy because they find something to do. Like I said previously guys aren't big mopers. They don't curl up on the couch in a fuzzy pink robe, eat a gallon of ice cream, and watch sappy love movies with their friends. They certainly don't go through their ipod playlist listening to all "our" songs while going through the scrapbook of all your favorite times together. They go play sports, workout, wrestle each other, go splunking, play kill..kill..kill...video games for twelve hours, or other cool guy stuff that seems ridiculous to females.
6. Unless you cheated on them they usually don't hold grudges. Unlike us girls, who can hold grudges for YEARS, guys normally are totally fine being friends a few weeks later. They are baffled that we still glare or tear up when we see them, want to key their car, or spend nights with voodoo dolls and pins cursing their name. "They think hey it's water under the bridge I didn't even tell her the real reason I broke up with her. Who knows why she is so mad?"....again point 1.

I know this stuff is somewhat depressing and completely not fair. But no matter what ladies, I remind you desperate is not attractive especially in a break-up. Keep your composure, your dignity, and know that there is some one better just around the corner!

Signs He Might Not Be That Into You...

Ladies there are often "signs" of when things are starting to turn sour.  Red flags begin popping up. We have a choice whether to ignore them, even if they are waving them right in front of our faces and be "shocked" when they suddenly break up with us or we can acknowledge the signs and deal with them head on. 



Red Flags...

1. He takes longer and longer to call or text you back. When you first start dating responses are almost immediate. Now the lag time might be getting a bit too long. Before you rip into him make sure it is reasonable. If he works at Raytheon where they are not allowed to bring in their phones don't expect him to call back during work hours. That would be silly. But if he is at home watching TV and it takes him hours or even days to return a call or text...not good.

2. He starts asking you to "meet" him somewhere instead of coming to pick you up. Rarely is it okay for your boyfriend to not come and pick you up. You are his girl which he should feel honored to take care of you and pick you up in his coach...oh I mean car. If he offers lame excuses on a regular basis like you live so far, not enough gas, it will save time.....no bueno.

3. He starts talking about how tired he is all the time. He cuts out on dates early or doesn't want to go places because he is so tired. When a guy is interested.. sleep gets put on the back burner. I have always told guys,  "You will know you are in love when you find a girl you are willing to give up sleep for."  This new exhaustion could be a sign or you can just try to give him lots of vitamins in hope he snaps out of it.

4. When his phone becomes extremely "private". If he starts acting shady with his phone or paranoid that you are looking or touching it...red flag!! Now I am all for privacy. I didn't normally just pick up Bryan's phone and go through it...this could seem desperate and untrustworthy. BUT if I did have it in my hands, Bryan never freaked out because he had nothing to hide. 

5. He starts avoiding your family. If he used to like hanging out with your family and now he doesn't there could be a problem. Unless you have a lot of family drama. Then it is natural to want to steer clear of crazyville. But remember it is hard to look a dad in the eye or have a mom be nice to you when you are about to break up with their daughter.

6. Friends see him with another girl. This seems obvious but you would be surprised how many times girlfriends let this go. If he is constantly hanging out with another girl this is a big red flag no matter what EXCUSES he comes up with. Don't buy the "we are just friends" unless they have known each other since kindergarten, she is a cousin, or she has a wart on her nose with hairs growing out of it that makes her completely unattractive. 

7. He stops wanting to kiss you good night. Have I mentioned that guys are physical creatures? They love to kiss. So if they all of sudden stop you are either A) a bad kisser B) have bad breath C) they are kissing someone else or d) they are pulling away because they are going to break up with you.
CAVEAT:Some guys, think pond scum, will totally make out with you even if he is planning on breaking up with you that night. True. So gross.

8. He changes his Facebook status! If all of a sudden he changes from being in a relationship to its complicated or single there is a problem. Also look to see if he is slowly taking down pictures of the two of you. It could be gradual, so slight you might not notice or he might say, "I just don't want anyone knowing our business!" Really isn't that the whole point of Facebook??? 

NEXT UP: THE BREAK... UP SOME UGLY TRUTHS

All the Single Ladies Part 2

      Ladies I have already told you Desperate is NOT Attractive but I would be remiss if I did not continue with your education in trying not to be one of "those" girls. My first post gave the top 11 ways to decide if you were already in need of some fast intervention. Please go back and read it if you have not because they are the crucial first signs in acknowledging that you might be a little on the nutty side or at least delusional when it comes to guys. Again, please do not lose hope. Every one of us has at one time or another or in my case, many times over, acted a bit crazy when it has come to the male gender. We women are emotionally charged human beings and it is hard not to teeter too much on the insane side. 
      After you have decided to at least not be desperate what other things you should try to avoid? Well let's start with what I believe is an obvious one. 
1. You are not their buddy! Yes that is right don't try to be their guy pal. If at any time you are in the situation where you think it is funny to be farted on or engage in a wrestling match with the guy you like you have escaped into the friend zone. There should never be a reason for either one of these things to occur, NEVER. That is what guys do to their sisters or friends not girls they would like to get to know better or maybe date. Even the wrestling? Yes, if they are so immature they have to psychically wrestle you to get your attention they are not ready to have a girlfriend.
2. Dumb is not attractive...only to losers! Somehow Hollywood has gotten the world to believe that guys prefer dumb girls because it is good for their ego. If you have a guy that you feel you need to dumb down your intelligence for..run! Their ego is so big it will eventually crush out any love you might be feeling. Smart guys marry up or at least prefer to have a life companion that can carry on an halfway intelligent conversation.
3. Be more fun than feisty. It is okay to have a little spice and not just be a "yes" girl. It's okay to have an opinion and challenge him every once in a while. The problem occurs when you are more feisty than fun. If he goes home after every date and feels like he has been beaten up chances are he will be done real soon. You want him to go away from the date thinking, "Hey she is fun to hang out with" not "Next time I need to bring my armor." If he actually likes being your verbal punching bag that is a whole other blog. 
4. Don't make a mountain out of a mole hill. If he takes you out for dinner it doesn't mean he is ready to jump into a serious relationship. If he gets you flowers that's nice but don't start picking out matching rings. If he takes you to meet his family don't start writing his last name behind yours with little hearts next to it. Keep things in a healthy perspective. Even if he tells you he loves you don't go into crazy wedding mode just yet. It is scary and unrealistic! Patience grasshopper!
5. Don't make a mole hill out of a mountain. Many times we girls have the ability to look at huge red flag mountain problems and minimize them into mole hills. Oh him calling his ex-girlfriend weekly is not a issue. Yes it is. Oh, him not telling the truth about where he is been isn't that big of a deal. Again yes it is. Him being a control freak just means he loves me and wants to take care of me. No it means he is a control freak. If he seems shady...he probably is..don't make excuses for him.
6. Get a life! Yep, don't live, eat, and breath him. It is not healthy and becomes weird and overbearing real fast. Hang out with your girlfriends, have hobbies that are separate, play a sport, read a book, do community service, do other things that don't revolve around him.  Making him the center of your world sets you up for being a doormat that is taken for granted or unrealistic expectations in marriage. Think: BECOMING HIS SERVANT
7. Put your goods away. I know we are bombarded with naked ladies in all the magazines, TV shows, music videos, etc. but don't show your goods off. Seriously! Guys are one tracked minded. Having everything out on display just gets him to focus on the physical. They will not be able to see past what you are showing them therefore anything else you want them to know about you will only be listened to less than halfway. If he is only attracted to your body and nothing else this is not a good way to start a long term relationship. Wrap it up ladies!
8. Put down the phone! Step away from the phone even if you have to hide it in the freezer next to the cookie dough ice cream or hide it in your granny's purse as she goes grocery shopping. You must fight the urge to call and text him. If you are lighting up his phone every half hour or as some you, every five minutes, it leans toward desperate. Guys don't think like us, duh, therefore they don't have to make small talk. They really don't need to know every little detail about our days. Let him pursue you. Let him make the effort to pick up the phone.
9. Guys usually act their age or much younger. Rarely is it okay to date a guy much younger than you. Unless you want to be their mother. I know "cougars" seem to be the in thing right now but really? I often hear how "mature" this guy is or how "he acts older' than he age. UmmHmm. 10 years difference is a decade. A decade of not watching the same cartoons, not listening to the same music, not being anywhere near the same grade in school. A senior is 17....ten years younger is a 7 year-old in second grade! Just saying :)

Next edition is The Breakup: How to know if he really is done.

All The Single Ladies

Over the last 38 years of being a girl I have learned a few things....these "insights" if you will are not brilliant or original. They have come from all the mistakes I have made and lessons I painfully learned. They come from mentoring teenagers, college students, young adults in the throes of relationship angst. They have come from watching on the sidelines, how females and males interact and being slightly horrified at the chaos and confusion dating seems to invoke now days.

I decided to make a list of "insights" not to make anyone feel bad but to be a voice of truth to single ladies when all they usually hear are lies or half-truths by guys and friends who justify everything to make them feel better.

I believe the number one "insight" on my list is.... Desperate is NOT attractive!! Some of you scratch your head and think, 'What does she mean by desperate?" others are saying, "Oh thank goodness that's not me. She is talking about so and so....(insert name of girl you don't like)" But to be honest I probably am talking to you.....that's right most single girls from the ages of 10-35ish really do act somewhat desperate if not down right Fatal Attraction (1990's movie involving the killing of rabbits) crazy!!!

Let me try to define desperate.

des·per·ate adj.

1. Having lost all hope; despairing. 2. Marked by, arising from, or showing despair 3. Reckless or violent because of despair 4. Undertaken out of extreme urgency or as a last resort 5. Nearly hopeless 6. Suffering or driven by great need or distress 7. Extremely intense

How does this apply to relationships? 

1. Not picking up on overt signals that he not interested in you but still chasing him like a dog running after the taillights of a car.

2. Constantly calling him with really nothing to say. If he wants to talk he will call you.

3. Being loud, silly, and obnoxious is a vain attempt to get his attention. Do this in a group of your girlfriends to add extra insult. 

4. Manipulating every situation to either sit by him, be in his face, or go wherever he goes. Have you ever heard of "absence makes the heart grow fonder" or "you take for granted something that always is around"?

5. Over dressing in situations where it becomes awkward.. a skimpy prom dress to the baseball game is a bit much.

6. Laughing hysterically at everything he says like he is the world's best comedian even when he is not funny. 

7. Texting him over 10x a day, even if he replies back. A one sentence reply back does not mean he is interested he might just be trying to have good manners. Again if he really wants to talk to you he will call you.

8. Drastically changing your personality to become more like him or what you think he wants. If he likes rock climbing you don't have to go out spend hundreds of dollars on equipment, subscribe to climbing magazines, and kill yourself falling off the side of a mountain trying to pretend your good at something you are really not good at.

9. Facebook stalking him to find out everything you can and using that info for most of your conversation with him. This can become creepy very fast.

10. Constantly creating drama or intense situations to get him to come to your rescue. This might work for a small amount of time, especially for guys who like to be helpful, but then it just becomes.....desperate DRAMA!

11. CRAZY ALERT: Anytime you find yourself driving by his house, having blocked numbers crank calling him, or becoming friends with his mom to get an in with him you have officially entered into the the Fatal Attraction Zone and you need intervention!!!!

STAY TUNED>>>>>>>Next post will be the remaining "insights" on my list. This post has a lot to digest for some of you. Don't lose hope we can all move from crazy desperate girl to cool girlfriend if we just truly recognized our outlandish and often sad behavior.