Prayers of A Husband

A few months ago I came across one of Bryan's prayer journals...and I wept. It wasn't organized, color-coded, or neat but oh how he prayed for so many of you, for the church, for this city, the future, for his kids and for me!

At the bottom of one of the pages he wrote:

"Pray Jesus to move in power to bring Kimberley

out of teaching to get to the Calling (you have for her)"

Seeing his handwriting, the prayers on his heart...broke me. I literally crumbled to the floor not just in grief but because of incredible LOVE! To know that my husband was going to God and requesting that He move mountains for me is overwhelmingly beautiful. Bryan's faith to ask bold things always amazed and sometimes scared me :)  But the way he KNEW me, humbled me daily.  Bryan looked past my outwardly and obvious strengths, my very very apparent weaknesses, past my hurt, my blustering, my doubts, my fears. For twenty-five years he saw me as MORE than....he saw things that I couldn't and stuff that I didn't even believe about myself yet. This was so POWERFUL to me as a wife. 

But Babe, what does this look like now? I'm a single mom, the sole provider. This job is my safety net, guaranteed, with health insurance, and 20 years experience. I can't imagine doing anything new...without you here cheering me on, your constant encouragement and support. Holding me when I cry because I'm scared to fail or take the next step. Speaking truth over me as the enemy's arrows try to pierce my heart. Please don't hold me to this RIGHT NOW!!! It's too big to do without you by my side. 

In my prayers I let God know all these reasons why the timing just wouldn't work; too many unknowns, not enough energy, too broken, no strength or capacity to even consider change of this magnitude after the last year.  My Jesus gently responded with "Kimberley, do you trust me?" and loudly shouted,  "I AM YOUR SAFETY NET!"

So for the first time in 10 years I did not sign my teaching contract. God has released me and closed that door.....the responses are falling into three categories:

1) Yeah....that makes sense.

2) Hmmm.... what is she going to do?

3) Oh dear she really has no plan...she has lost her mind.

I can't answer many questions because I don't have many answers but I can tell you that I am at peace and confident. With the prayers of my husband covering me and the perfect faithfulness of my Jesus...I say, Let's do THIS! What's next?

"Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God." Psalm 20:7

 

Piece by Piece by Kelly Clarkson

I was driving my kids with me to the DMV and the song Piece by Piece by Kelly Clarkson came on the radio. I had heard the song before and thought it was good. But for some reason, that day, I listened to the words a little more closely. They destroyed me!

Flashbacks of my childhood and experiences with ex-boyfriends slammed into me and caught me off guard! It was like a movie reel flipping through a horror film or at minimum a bad drama! Growing up I felt so many times like I was falling apart. Piece by piece. The lies. The hurt. The fear. The abandonment. The loneliness. The pain. The words in the song pierced my heart. It was like they were meant for me....

"But piece by piece he collected me

Up off the ground where you abandoned things, yeah

Piece by piece he filled the holes

That you burned in me at six years old

And you know,

He never walks away

He never asks for money,

He takes care of me

He loves me

Piece by piece he restored my faith

That a man can be kind and a father could... stay"

"Piece by piece I fell far from the tree

I will never leave her like you left me

And she will never have to wonder her worth

Because unlike you I'm going to put her first

And you know,

He'll never walk away,

He'll never break her heart

He'll take care of things,

He'll love her

And piece by piece he'll restore my faith

That a man can be kind and a father should be great"

Of course, I started crying, as I'm trying to drive. I think, "Oh no my kids are going to think I'm weird. Again. The tears keep falling. 

But my tears were not ones of sadness! Sounds crazy right? I was crying because I was overwhelmed with LOVE! Yes, seeing those past images was hard but the stronger feeling that pushed all that away was this song, these words, described my husband! He helped collect the pieces. He never walked away. He takes care of me and loves me. He restored my faith that a man could be kind and a father could stay and be great. My children will never know what it is like for their dad to turn his back on them or wonder about their worth because he left them."

I am crying because deeper than the love of Bryan is the love of my Savior!  My worth does not come from my family, my past, or even my husband. Who I am is a Child of God! He determined how much I am worth by putting His son on the cross. Jesus took my brokenness and put all the pieces back together again. He healed the wounds that were so deep. Burned in my soul. He restored my faith by showing me His perfect love. That I didn't have to earn or doubt. 

My daughter thought I was upset and started rubbing my shoulder. I stared her in the eyes and said, "I am crying tears of joy because your dad is all of those things! More importantly God is the one who guides your dad and loves us beyond anything we can ever imagine!"

"And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." Ephesians 3: 17-19

Happy 40th Birthday Bryan!

Bryan, 

I know you don't really want to make a big deal about your birthday and besides a new pair of tennis shoes you don't really want anything either. And although words cannot even begin to describe what you mean to me I want to you to know that even after 20 years together, I am still in awe how blessed I am that God gave me you! I sometimes watch you while you sleep (because you go to bed so much faster than me :) and think I could not have asked for anyone more perfect for me! People put you on a pedestal because of your job but a career doesn't make a man. Money doesn't make a man either. Love and character outlast those, of which you are filled with both.

I made a short list of some of the "ways" or memories that remind me how patient and loving you are. Always willing to serve our family and others. You are loyal and steadfast. You make me laugh and did I mention patient? Plus you keep getting hotter as the years go by, which is kind of unfair, but I'll take it :)

You make me feel beautiful when I can't see it myself. 

Tell me I am not crazy even though we both know I tend to lean that way most of the time. (case in point the rest of this letter)

You don't make a big deal about me not being a good cook or that I get lost driving in a town I have lived in for over 25 years. 

You show patience when I refuse to wait for you to hang up stuff and instead end up putting holes all over the walls.

Hide in clothes racks at the store to avoid someone from my past.

You don't make me feel dumb when I wear my pants backwards to work or my shirt inside out.

OR melt a red pen in the glue gun because I wasn't paying attention.

You don't get mad when I make you tear apart the bathroom to the studs even though I had no plan or money to put it back together again.

Wake you up in the middle of the night to talk because I am scared or I just remembered something "really important" that can't wait.

Keep the light on in our room until 2am so I can read "just 1 more chapter"

Get up out of our warm cozy bed because I "swear" I heard a noise.

Help me clean the house because I just watched a marathon of Hoarders.

Bring me breakfast or lunch because "I forgot" even though I work 20 minutes away.

You don't roll your eyes when I get stuck in a rut of buying the same thing at the store even though we have plenty of it. 6 jars of peanut butter and ketchup are needed right?

My irrational fears of driving off the side of a mountain so I want you to drive in the middle of the road, even though that is dangerous too.

Calm me down when I am convinced I have a brain tumor, the West Nile, leukemia, or any other deadly diseases I just read about.

Smile at me when I am trying to convince you to get a tattoo of my face on your stomach in case I die so your next wife will always remember I came first.

Or that I have actually talked to you numerous times about letting me go ahead and pick out your next wife for you because I think I have good taste. (It should be a team decision)

The countless hours that you have coached all three kids, in 5 different sports, standing out in the cold, rain, wind, heat, and putting up with tantrums (from me) from the sidelines, will make a difference in the life of our kids and the people who you have touched along the way.

The list can go on and on, but my bottom line is Happy Birthday to my best friend and LOVE OF MY LIFE! I want to spend the next 40 years with you serving Jesus even if it's from a cardboard box! I love you sideways 8.

Kimberley

Rose-Colored Glasses

A few years ago, my sister asked me if I thought I looked at Bryan through rose-colored glasses. I answered, "I don't know, why?" She went on to say, "Well, sometimes he does or doesn't do certain things that would drive me crazy but they don't seem to bother you. I wonder if you see him the same way others do?"
      I stopped to think...."Huh? Have I missed something? Should I be more irritated? Is he "getting away" with something? Am I delusional? Mistaken? Do I really not see him as others do and if so is that a bad thing?" After a few minutes of all this chaos running through my mind, I literally shook my head loose (like you see on cartoons) of these thoughts. Instead of the paranoia and mistrust, images of our past 17 years together flashed before my eyes.

• I saw him on our first date all dressed up, new haircut, bearing a beautiful red rose. He took me to a park and set up a candlelight dinner with take-out from my favorite restaurant. 
• I saw him on our wedding day looking at me like I was the only person in the world, feeling so loved and cherished.
• I remembered how he took care of our newborn daughter and me after I fell and broke my arm even though he had never even babysat before. 
• I remembered the support he gave me when we lost our twins.
• I remembered how he got up for almost every single feeding and changed more diapers than me.
• I saw the picture of him bringing me water after I had just screamed my head off at him.
• I saw all the times he has taken out the trash or cleaned a toilet because I told him when we were first married I didn't like to do those.
• I remembered how he humbled himself to hang Christmas lights one year, in the freezing cold, just to feed our family.
• I remembered all the nights I woke him up at 2 or 3 in the morning because I was scared or anxious. He didn't get irritated but either prayed over me or just talked to me until I fell back asleep.

      Do all those "memories" overshadow that he keeps buying bigger garbage cans so he doesn't have to take it out as much or he leaves his shoes everywhere or he is often late....YES, most of the time, it does! Because I CHOSE to remember his loving traits more often than nitpicking about all his faults. (What if he did that to me? I would be in big trouble) I pray constantly, "Please God, let me love this man well. I don't always know what healthy love looks like but I know I don't want my critical nature to tear him down. God, let me see him as You do. Let me focus on the good in him rather than the negative. Help me to CAPTURE my thoughts." I chose everyday how I want to "see" my husband. It can be hard and I often fail. But then I ask God to remind me and play back our life together, over and over and over until I change my heart.

       I looked at my sister and smiled, "Yeah, I think I do look at Bryan with rose-colored glasses because I asked God to help me do just that. I choose to be thankful that I am and have been well loved."

"... But if you think that leaves you on the high ground where you can point your finger at others, think again. Every time you criticize someone, you condemn yourself. It takes one to know one. Judgmental criticism of others is a well-known way of escaping detection in your own crimes and misdemeanors. But God isn't so easily diverted. He sees right through all such smoke screens and holds you to what you've done." Romans 2:1-2 The Message

Fight Fair!

Bryan and I were asked to speak at a marriage conference on conflict resolution. (Of course what happens when we say yes? We immediately get into a huge argument. I guess practicing what we are talking about is important research:) 

We are by far not marriage experts and don't have counseling degrees, but we DO have A LOT of experience. I have mentioned before that I am a fighter...so I had to make sure Bryan knew this area inside and out. It would make him a better pastor right? (See honey, all that arguing in the beginning had a point...to help others :)

During our "research" we came up with four things we try not to do in the heat of a fight, when anger is high and maybe we, I mean I, am seeing red. 

        1) Don't dump truck- this is when you get off track from what is really bothering you and you just dump everything out. You start piling up all the garbage that has angered, bothered, irritated, or hurt you and you dump it. It is hard enough to deal with one problem much less try to sift through a bunch of issues. Try to keep focused on the bottom line, in that moment. Save the other stuff for later. It will get overwhelming real fast if you throw out too much at one time...many give up before they even start.

        2) No Name Calling/Bad language- the minute you lose control over your tongue and start calling each other names or using bad words, everybody loses! Remember this is your spouse, the one who you committed to loving for the rest of your life. Name calling and ugly language tears away the very foundation of love and leaves deep scars that are not easily repaired. Think of a crisp, white piece of paper. If you rip or crinkle it and then try to smooth it out does it go back to how it looked in the beginning? No, that piece of paper is never the same. 

        3) Don't EVER, EVER, EVER Threaten- You are not in the mafia! Never say something you are not ready to back up. This will eventually backfire. If you say it enough times the other person might just take you up on it even when you didn't really mean it.  Especially the "divorce" word. Throwing this word around in a fight opens the door for the enemy to walk right in, cast doubts, stir up trouble, and cause discord. 

        4) Don't Share- When you are mad or upset at your spouse be very careful who you vent to. Try to go to God or a mentor for wise counsel. Using your family or friends is really not a good option. They shouldn't be put in the middle and it might be hard for them to move on after a problem is resolved. Sometimes they actually might be the problem by constantly bringing up the old stuff or helping you justify your behavior.

On the flip side, how do we resolve conflict? Fight fair! (Is that an oxymoron?) Well, this has taken quite a bit of practice, self-control and a whole lot of God's help.

1) Forgive often, and then forgive some more- forgiveness is key to a happy marriage. We are all broken, broken people. When you put two broken people together of course there are going to be  problems! Our own selfishness, desires, wills, issues, and sin will rear their ugly heads and cause us to hurt each other. It is so important to offer grace even when they don't deserve it. This does not mean you don't hold each other accountable. It means you let go of things that weigh down your relationship.

2) Keep short accounts- marriage is not about trying to balance out the scales. It is not 50/50. Sometimes it could be 80/20 or even 99/1.  The list you are making in your head about all the things the other person has not done right and all the things you do ..needs to be thrown out. IMMEDIATELY! Your column might have more check marks but where is right going to get you? Proving to someone how much better you are then them just doesn't turn out well.

3) Listen to hear what the other person is saying- Often in an argument we are not really listening. We are forming our own attack or defense. Stop and LISTEN! Then repeat back what you heard.  "So what I heard you say is.." If you are doing the talking make sure you ask, "What did you hear me say?" What you think you communicated could be totally different from what they heard. 

4) Ask for help- don't wait until it is too late when the damage is done. Pick up the phone and call a counselor, have a conversation with a pastor, do a Bible study together, and most of all PRAY, PRAY, PRAY. Pray for God to change your heart, pray for God to hold your tongue, pray for God to protect your marriage, pray for God to help you see your spouse the way He sees them. 

How often do I fail at many of the above? Frequently! But I don't give up. I fight for my marriage. And with God's help, over the last 20 years, it has gotten better. Thank God :)

"Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires." James 1:19-20

        

Remind Me

My husband does not always take out the garbage, he doesn't always remember to do the things I have asked him to do, he easily gets distracted and loses track of time...the list could go on. Often it is easy in marriage to focus on all the stuff our spouses do that aggravate or annoy us. We get critical and start picking them a part. We get together with our girlfriends and have a husband bashing session. We forget all the stuff they have done for us and started questioning why we are with them in the first place.

I just finished listening to this country song by Carrie Underwood that was titled, "Remind Me". (I am not usually a country fan it just happen to be on) The song talks about how love starts and how we need to be reminded why we fell in love in the first place. We need to be reminded of all the fun, crazy, sexy, cute things we did as a new couple. How we could kiss for hours until my face was raw from his beard or talk on the phone until midnight not caring that I had to get up early. We lose ourselves in the now, the immediate and the things we loved about him in the beginning, currently drive us up a wall. We need to be reminded that all those "off" or "broken" parts of him caused him to pick us in the first place. We need to be reminded that he is not perfect and news alert...we are definitely not perfect either. Nor....painful gasp...are we always right.

Marriage is hard but I am not willing to settle for good or okay. Girls we can do powerful things when we throw our pride to the side and put all our heart, mind, and soul into loving someone... remembering we do not control the other person we can only control our thoughts and our mouths! I challenge you to start capturing your thoughts and remind yourself of all the good things about your husband (even if you have to dig deep) that you once liked. Try to remember why you fell in love with him or the fun times you had. Every bad thought that comes up.... quickly replace it with a good one. This might be hard...very hard, maybe even painful for some. But just give it a try..what do you have to lose?

I found our wedding album where I had written down some of the reason I love Bryan:
His beautiful smile, freckles, and long eyelashes
His ability to fix things.
His passion for life.
His sense of humor and having fun with him
His patience with me and others
The way he looks at me when I walk into the room
His love for Jesus.

I then made a list of why I love him now:
His hands make me feel more beautiful than I am.
His love gives me courage to face the pain.
His consistency keeps me secure.
His patience helps me erase the past.
He changed a lot of diapers.
He cooks a mean steak.
He still makes me laugh.
When he comes into a room unexpectedly I still get butterflies in my stomach.
He brings me ice tea at work.
He doesn't get too mad when I go shopping at Kohls.
He cleans the toilets.
He loves our kids.
He got up almost every time with me at night when they were babies.
He still fixes things and has saved us hundreds of dollars.
His love for Jesus humbles me.
He  is usually still patient with me :)
He forgives me easily when I act like a nutcase.
He is more beautiful now than when I first met him.

I pray for the courage to face the truths about ourselves, the wisdom to try to not be critical, and the love to overflow our hearts again.

My Heroes

My pastor asked us to think about people in our lives who are everyday heroes. Someone who has made a difference to us like a coach, soldier, fireman, parent, friend, pastor and so on. That got me to thinking who are my heroes? Do I have just one or a few? What does an everyday hero look like to me?

The Webster Dictionary defines hero as 1) a: a mythological or legendary figure often of divine descent endowed with great strength or ability b: an illustrious warrior,  c: a man admired for his achievements and noble qualities d: one who shows great courage.

My husband is one of my heroes because of the way he loves me. His love had been consistent and solid for the last 16 years, even when I tried to scare him off, push him away or break up with him while we were dating, he has remained true in his love for me. His patience and grace gives me the support I need to face the world and deal with my issues. He is my hero because of the way he loves Jesus and tries to lead our family with Him as our center even when it is not comfortable or popular. He is my hero because he tries to treat others with respect and non-judgment even when they might deserve something harsher. He is my hero because he never expects me, or the house, or the kids to be perfect. 

My son Landen is also my hero with his courage to talk about his faith wherever he is and not be ashamed. He is my hero because he sings worship songs at the top of his lungs not caring who it bothers. He is my hero because at age five he told me that when he grows up he wants to bring water and build houses to people in Africa to people who need it. At age six he sat us down and forced us to take him seriously about baptism. At age seven he wrapped up some coloring pages because he said moms never get enough presents under the tree. At age eight he is truly a warrior for Christ in what he says and how he lives!

My Monday night people are my heroes. They show up to a small house, with a lady who doesn't cook and talks a lot, kids jumping all over them, and share their journeys with us. I have seen God work in their lives and am humbled by their support, trust, love, and grace. They show up not out of family guilt or because of the spectacular entertainment:) They come because of the relationships.

One of my heroes is a younger friend who went through very difficult times and had so much stolen from her. She handled herself with dignity, decorum, and strength beyond her years. She is my hero for not forgetting how to smile, having the courage to share and let others see her heart, and most importantly for her never giving up HOPE! 

I have many more everyday heroes.....these were the one who came to mind right now. I believe I will start "looking" to see the people who have impacted my life, shown courage in the face of adversity, or is fighting the good fight.