Happy 40th Birthday Bryan!

Bryan, 

I know you don't really want to make a big deal about your birthday and besides a new pair of tennis shoes you don't really want anything either. And although words cannot even begin to describe what you mean to me I want to you to know that even after 20 years together, I am still in awe how blessed I am that God gave me you! I sometimes watch you while you sleep (because you go to bed so much faster than me :) and think I could not have asked for anyone more perfect for me! People put you on a pedestal because of your job but a career doesn't make a man. Money doesn't make a man either. Love and character outlast those, of which you are filled with both.

I made a short list of some of the "ways" or memories that remind me how patient and loving you are. Always willing to serve our family and others. You are loyal and steadfast. You make me laugh and did I mention patient? Plus you keep getting hotter as the years go by, which is kind of unfair, but I'll take it :)

You make me feel beautiful when I can't see it myself. 

Tell me I am not crazy even though we both know I tend to lean that way most of the time. (case in point the rest of this letter)

You don't make a big deal about me not being a good cook or that I get lost driving in a town I have lived in for over 25 years. 

You show patience when I refuse to wait for you to hang up stuff and instead end up putting holes all over the walls.

Hide in clothes racks at the store to avoid someone from my past.

You don't make me feel dumb when I wear my pants backwards to work or my shirt inside out.

OR melt a red pen in the glue gun because I wasn't paying attention.

You don't get mad when I make you tear apart the bathroom to the studs even though I had no plan or money to put it back together again.

Wake you up in the middle of the night to talk because I am scared or I just remembered something "really important" that can't wait.

Keep the light on in our room until 2am so I can read "just 1 more chapter"

Get up out of our warm cozy bed because I "swear" I heard a noise.

Help me clean the house because I just watched a marathon of Hoarders.

Bring me breakfast or lunch because "I forgot" even though I work 20 minutes away.

You don't roll your eyes when I get stuck in a rut of buying the same thing at the store even though we have plenty of it. 6 jars of peanut butter and ketchup are needed right?

My irrational fears of driving off the side of a mountain so I want you to drive in the middle of the road, even though that is dangerous too.

Calm me down when I am convinced I have a brain tumor, the West Nile, leukemia, or any other deadly diseases I just read about.

Smile at me when I am trying to convince you to get a tattoo of my face on your stomach in case I die so your next wife will always remember I came first.

Or that I have actually talked to you numerous times about letting me go ahead and pick out your next wife for you because I think I have good taste. (It should be a team decision)

The countless hours that you have coached all three kids, in 5 different sports, standing out in the cold, rain, wind, heat, and putting up with tantrums (from me) from the sidelines, will make a difference in the life of our kids and the people who you have touched along the way.

The list can go on and on, but my bottom line is Happy Birthday to my best friend and LOVE OF MY LIFE! I want to spend the next 40 years with you serving Jesus even if it's from a cardboard box! I love you sideways 8.

Kimberley

Not About You!

What if it's not about you? Those six words can be read and forgotten, easily dismissed. Yeah, yeah I know that, kind of, sort of, sometimes, but.. really? I don't want to actually live that way. Since we were babies we have liked our needs met. I want food NOW! My diaper changed Now! I want to be picked up NOW! As an infant we didn't know better, our whole world revolved around our instant gratification. As I look around and watch people, as I look in the mirror, have we really changed all that much? We might not cry in fits of rage (or maybe you do). We might not scream at the top of our lungs until someone pays attention to us (or maybe I do). But we definitely feel comfort and satisfaction when our demands and expectations are met. The faster the better. We greatly prefer things to go our way. It’s not too much to ask because really our ideas make more sense than most of those around us right? 

Don't like your car? Trade it in for more an expensive newer one. Don't like the service at the restaurant? Don't think about what kind of day the waitress might be having. Instead, get angry and sarcastic with her or leave a bad tip because she didn't deserve it. Don't like your friends? Move on to other ones that are easier. Don't like your girlfriend? Break up with her. There has to be a better version. Don't like your marriage? It has gotten way too hard? Get a divorce. The next go round you will do things differently right? Don't like your sex life? Cheat or watch porn to feed your desires no matter the cost. Don't like your job? Quit. Don't like your co-worker because they are irritating or annoying? Ignore them or walk the other direction. Don't like the worship leader at your church because he doesn't play the songs you like? They are too loud? He was mean last Sunday? Talk bad about him to others to justify your point or sit there and pout through the songs. You don't like the preacher's message? Or that person at church hurt your feelings? Stop going. Don't worry about loyalty or commitment. There is another church that might cater to your needs better. Don't feel like doing the right thing? Don't. Most people are so terrified of holding others accountable no one will say anything anyway. Many times, when our expectations are not met or conflict arises or something we don't like occurs, we simply walk away or quit or check out or try to find something different that is more comfortable, logical...just easier! Anymore, it's not go big or go home. It's get your own way or go home. It's get uncomfortable and go home. 


What if it's NOT ABOUT YOU! What if we tattooed this on our arm and thought about this every time we wanted to get hostile, angry, disappointed, hurt, irritated, annoyed, or things get too difficult? What if we kept our older car and instead used the extra money on sponsoring a child? What if we gave the tip to the waitress, even if she didn't deserve it, because she stands on her feet all day, raises her kids alone, and that tip with a kind word could change her day around? What if instead of walking away from friendships we have tough conversations and stick by each other? What if we stop looking at our marriages as ways to get our own needs met, tit-for-tat, and spent our time praying to God to change how we see our spouse to love them better? What if the relationship or job you are in is more about your growth as a person through hard times rather than your comfort? What if we stopped avoiding our co-worker and try to get know them, maybe even ask how you can pray for them. What if we don't like the preaching or the songs at church but we don't grumble or complain we go serve in another area for a while or pour into someone else's life? What if we stopped thinking, "What am I getting out of this?" and instead say, "What can I do to help?" What if we TRULY acted like we believe that Jesus died on the cross for our sins, even though we didn't deserve it, and our whole mission in life is to make it about Him and not us? What if?

"So, chosen by God for this new life of love, dress in the wardrobe God picked out for you: compassion, kindness, humility, quiet strength, discipline. Be even-tempered, content with second place, quick to forgive an offense. Forgive as quickly and completely as the Master forgave you. And regardless of what else you put on, wear love. It’s your basic, all-purpose garment. Never be without it." 

Colossians 3:12-14 MSG

Losing My Mind?

A new Christian asked me the other day what has helped me the most change my life over the last 20 years of following Jesus? I was totally unprepared for this kind of question! My mind went blank at first and then started scrolling through all these great Christian clichés; God's love, the awesomeness of the cross, memorizing scripture, reading the Bible, going to church, serving others, helping people on their journeys, being in community....how do I pick just one? All of these things were foundational in my faith! In an instant of clarity, it came to me! What have I had to do daily, over and over, sometimes minute by minute to change my way of thinking, to break free of my past, and to have victory over the enemy? "Capturing my thoughts"!

To be honest, most of the time I feel like I am losing my mind. The struggle is real and fierce to not let negative thoughts overwhelm the truth of the cross. The noise and distraction of the world bombard me with so many things contrary to what I know God wants for my life. It is easy and comfortable to fall into the cycle of being critical of everyone around me, especially my family. It's more natural to place blame and find fault with my workplace, the church, the government, Ebola carriers, traffic cameras, bad parents, the education system, bank bailouts, and everything else in between. 

I have a choice on how I am going to think and what filter I'm going to use to respond. If left to my own devices, I would give into my fears and critical nature. I would run around screaming, "The sky is falling!" and rip apart everyone from the McDonalds cashier who can't take my order correctly to my husband who can't seem to get his calendar organized.

But when I said yes to following Jesus I knew I could not trust my own stinking thinking. I knew the person I was in my past was not the person I wanted to become. I knew that in order to change my thoughts I had to "capture" them. What does this really mean? How do I put this into practice? Literally, when a negative, ugly or critical thought comes into my mind, I stop and start praying it away. I try to replace it with a truth I have learned from God's word, maybe even quote scripture. Sometimes, I ask God to take it out of my brain by reminding me of a positive memory to replace it. I also have been known to talk to myself, "Lord, change my heart, change my attitude, and help me not kill anyone." (Repeat as needed, even if it’s over and over again within a few minutes).

Does this always work? NOOOOO! I also make the choice to not capture my thoughts and give in to my fears, frustrations, anger, and critical nature. Usually, this does not turn out so well and I have to go back and apologize to someone. When I listen to lies and untruths it is easy to become overwhelmed, depressed, doubtful, and foolish! The cycle of letting my thoughts run amok is addicting and difficult to break once I get rolling. It’s amazing how fast relationships start breaking down when people sit in the "crappy" thinking for too long. Your viewpoint of God can even start changing and that leads to nowhere good!

So to answer my friend's question, one of the things that have helped me the most in my life is capturing my thoughts! Otherwise I could see myself losing my mind :)

"We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We capture their rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ." 

2 Cor 10:5

What On Earth Am I Here For?

I have just finished my third time through the Bible study, "What on Earth Am I Here For?" by Rick Warren. For those of you who know me, I rarely EVER re-watch a movie (maybe Top Gun..don't judge me), reread a book (only parts of the Bible), or re-do anything! I am way too impatient and have so many other things I want to accomplish. So that I have been through this study 3 times is pretty amazing. What's so different about it? 

At first, it seems like Christianity 101. I should know all this right? I am a pastor's wife and have followed Jesus for over 20 years. But what struck me the most is the all the "A-HA” moments I had. Something just clicked! Pastor Warren answers foundational questions as to why we even exist. Because to be honest, there have been times in my life where I have wondered why God even bothered creating us. I have questioned why He didn't do a better job with humans because we can be really, really awful. I have sat on my bed and screamed, "What do you want from me? Really?" 

I re-learned that I was created by God for his purpose, so HE could love ME! I was planned for God's pleasure (worship), formed for God's family (fellowship), created to become like Christ (discipleship), shaped for serving God (ministry) and I was made for a mission (evangelism). 

Until we understand that we were made by God for His purposes, life will never make sense. And a life without purpose is a life without meaning. True significance is not about prestige, power, pleasure, or possessions. It’s about KNOWING the one who created us. 

If you live to be 70 years old, you will live 25,550 days. Don't you think its worth to find out what you are supposed to do with them, instead of getting to the end and realizing you might have wasted most of those days on many things that do not matter for eternity?

"For everything, absolutely everything, above and below, visible and invisible...everything got started in Him and finds its purpose in Him." Colossians 1:16 (MSG)

Superficial Has to Be Easier!

su·per·fi·cial -concerned only with what is obvious or apparent : not thorough or complete : affecting only the outer part or surface of something : not deep or serious : not having or showing any depth of character or understanding

Today, I want to be superficial, syrupy-sweet, and just coast through life! It is like having a cut; superficial is good, heals faster, doesn't hurt as much, and probably won't leave a scar. The deeper the injury, the higher the pain, healing takes longer, it will probably bleed more, and will most likely leave a mark, a reminder of the bad experience. As I look back over the years, I feel a little battered with "bruises, scrapes, injuries, and scars" of being called to go deeper with people. I feel like I have been fighting for so long against the enemy that is devouring many of the relationships around me. People normally "hate the messenger" or usually don't want to be held accountable for their words and actions. Often when you have to speak truth, you are not as well liked and rarely labeled the "sweet" one.

Isn't ignorance bliss?  Maybe I don't want to closely examine things, go against the grain, or swim against the tide. Deep is messy. Character is hard. The truth hurts. Why should I be the one telling it! When people say, "Why can't you just be happy for me?" I am going to say, "Fine! I am superficial and only care about what is going on at the surface level, so sure, let's go with the flow." Seriousness is for the birds and engineers! Today is a new day. I am going to just smile and tell everyone what they want to hear. It has to be easier!

And then I walked into my hallway and my daughter asked me if her outfit was okay. My first, reaction was to say, "Sure! Looks great. Have a nice day." It's easier; she will think I am cool. What does it really matter? I don't want to fight "it" today! But..... I just couldn't. "Honey, I can see why you like that outfit but let's just look a little closer as to what message that shirt and shorts might be saying to others. Even if that's not your intention could it be taken that way? Can you find another option please?" 

A few minutes later a friend text me and asked if I thought it would be okay for him to date before he was divorced because they have been separated for months and the marriage is over except in paper. AGH! He is not going to like the answer! Just tell him whatever he wants, don't get involved, talked around the issue, don't rock the boat! But ....... I couldn't.  "I believe the wise thing to do is to wait until you have gone through the healing process and unpacked why your 20 year marriage fell apart. Having a girlfriend might cause confusion for your kids and that is the last thing they need right now.  I think maybe the focus should be on your relationship with God, not starting something new."  He replied, "You just don't want me to be happy!" Well, there went my sweet, easy-breezy coasting through life, all in an half an hour of waking up! 

"Kimberley, I never promised you walking with me would easy. I promised I would never leave you. Nowhere does it say in my word that following me won't open you up to ridicule, scorn, and mockery. Do not forget you are in the middle of a battle! A battle for truth, "whatever is pure, honorable, right, admirable, and worthy of praise." I created you to be a fighter! But don't fight against how and why I created you. Do everything in love. And remember the battle is not against people but of the principalities of darkness. I will give you the strength to press on! I will give you my Holy Spirit to guide your way. You must stand for something..will it be Me?"

 "Keep your eyes open for spiritual danger; stand true to the Lord; act like men; be strong; and whatever you do, do it with kindness and love." 1 Cor 16:13-14 (TLB)

"My prayer for you is that you will overflow more and more with love for others, and at the same time keep on growing in spiritual knowledge and insight, for I want you always to see clearly the difference between right and wrong... Philippians 1:9-10a (TLB)

Piles of "Crap"!

I am semi-organized...in my house everything has its place but the things I don't want to deal with especially paperwork to file, bills to be paid, mail to sort through, taxes to figure out, goes into a pile. Now they ARE organized piles. Piles with a purpose. Neat piles if you will. Sometimes I actually move them around, shuffle them a bit to make myself feel accomplished but rarely do I go through them except in a panic to find something. I don't actually "deal" with them on a regular basis.

Yesterday, I was FORCING myself to tackle one of the piles because we are getting our floor done and it must be gone. I DREADED going through it! I might even have been feeling some anxiety about how overwhelming the task was going to be and I didn't know where to start!

As I was procrastinating by painting the baseboards, because yeah that makes sense in the big scheme of things, it hit me! That the way I feel about those dumb piles is the way I feel about some of my issues! You know the issues we all have that we just don't want to take care of so we put them off. Maybe walk around them, act like they aren't there because thinking about them causes angst, apprehension, or fear. The conversations we might be avoiding, the sin we keep not confessing, the anger we let explode, the pride that halts our growth, the negative thoughts that make us critical, the perfectionism that makes us controlling......those issues that have been moving around in our life for a very long time.

Funny thing though even if I pretend my piles aren't there or flat out ignore them doesn't mean they go away by themselves. There is no magic fairy waving a wand or a genie twitching her nose that will make it all disappear. To clear those piles will take work, fortitude, the willingness to get to the bottom no matter what comes up, the courage to face the truth no matter how painful, the perseverance to not quit when it gets tough, and the humbleness to ask for help even if you are embarrassed. Some of those piles or issues seem like mountains too high to climb. It probably will get really messy before any progress is made. Why not leave them alone? What is it really hurting? My piles, my issues, are just who I AM!

"The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life." John 10:10 

Sometimes we wait too long and our marriages crumble, relationships drift apart, debt mounts, bitterness sets in, procrastination happens, certain sins become way too comfortable. We justify that others are worse or we outright deny that we have any issues at all. We settle for less than. We agree to "this is it". We don't claim the mighty promises of our generous God. We stick our head in the sand like an ostrich and let our "piles" accumulate, hinder, and stop us from living an awesome life!

But God created us to be free of all the stuff that trap us and keep us just going through the motions. "There is a true peace and satisfaction that comes from being completely submitted to God's will—knowing you are living in the manner He wants you to live. Then you are free to live the joyful life, the complete life, the free life—the life Jesus describes as "more abundant." (Yohn) 

Which pile do you want to tackle first? One paper, one issue at a time! It's about progress, not perfection!

Frantic!

Since starting a new school year about a month ago, the word that keeps popping in my mind is FRANTIC! Between buying school supplies, getting homework done, scheduling all the sports practices and games, trying to do laundry, maybe cook a meal or two, go to church, lead small groups, go to work, coach volleyball, try to find time for romance, make sure kids are feeling valued, take care of the finances, go to the grocery store, shop for birthday parties, open houses, wedding showers, engagements, and worst of all LUNCHES 5 times a week for all of us! Most nights I crawl into bed and think, "Whew! I made it one more day."

I try to be thankful that I am alive, have a great husband, healthy kids, a home that is almost paid off, and a job to make the bills. I try to remember that I serve a God who is big and has a plan for my life. But I find it much easier to get distracted by the business of life and the franticness of checking all the boxes on my To-Do list!!I tell myself it’s okay BECAUSE I am doing good things like raising kids, loving my husband, and serving the church. I justify our life choices by saying it's only for a short time, other families are worse, BUSY is the new norm people..right? We might be hamsters running on the wheel but at least we're exercising!

Then I heard Perry Noble say, "Many of us are putting so much time and effort into things that have no eternal value. They might be good things but they are not the great things that God wants for our life because they do not have eternal significance."

Oh...good but not great? What does that mean in reality? "Kimberley, if you put up a schedule of how you and your family spend your time how much is blocked off for Me? Am I a box to be checked on Sundays and prayers at mealtimes? Would my time be crowded with sports, music lessons, movies, video games, watching TV, computers, working out (NOT), crafts, etc, etc? All those things are good but I created you for SO MUCH MORE! Your kids may be straight A students, star athletes, or music virtuosos but do they know Me? Am I just in your lives or am I the reason for your lives? This is not a life of balance where you juggle Me along with the rest. I AM."

You were created to love me and get to know me. You were made to love others and be in community with fellow believers. You were made to serve others and my church. You were made to go tell everyone the good news so they may have eternal life.

"So if you’re serious about living this new resurrection life with Christ, act like it. Pursue the things over which Christ presides. Don’t shuffle along, eyes to the ground, absorbed with the things right in front of you. Look up, and be alert to what is going on around Christ—that’s where the action is. See things from his perspective." Colossians 3:1-2

Broken Bottles, Broken Chains

As a family we watched a movie called Home Run last week. It was about a fictional, professional, baseball player who struggled with alcoholism. The story showed how his childhood trauma caused him to drown out the problems in his life and the voices of his abusive father from his head. In one part of the movie, the main actor was sitting in a hotel room just staring at the mini fridge where he was storing his booze. He was saying over and over, "I will not give in. I don't need it." My kids actually cheered when they thought he stopped drinking and then would groan when he eventually started up again. 

It was painful to watch my children be on an emotional roller coaster with this guy! Luckily they only dealt with these up and down feelings for an hour and half and it wasn't personal. I, on the other hand, lived in this kind of turmoil almost my entire life and it was very, very personal. You see I knew that the main character would ALWAYS go back to the bottle. I knew he wouldn't be able to resist the lure of numbing the pain if only for a few hours. I knew my kids were setting themselves up for disappointment by believing that THIS time he would change. This time he would say no. This time he would do the right thing and choose his family over the alcohol. I wanted to tell my kids, "THEY ALWAYS GO BACK!" I had to remind myself that we were watching a movie. It wasn't a real family. By why did the hurt and feelings seem so real? So familiar. It was easy to fall back into the painful cycle of the last 37 years of my life dealing with my dad's addiction. The memories were strong of being a child and not understanding why my family was different or as a teenager feeling the shame that there was so much to hide. Or being an adult and wanting to protect my own children from the yo-yo of hope and despair that comes with addictions. 

Of course by the end of the movie, Hollywood wrapped up this guy's life nicely. He overcame his drinking, ended up speaking at his AA meetings, got his family back, and they all lived happily ever after. My kids went to bed happy and carefree because that's how most Disney movies end. The good guys wins. The world is saved. The guy gets the girl. Love conquers everything. That is all they know. 

But with alcohol addiction that is rarely the reality. I sat there, as my husband tucked my kids into bed, with tears in my eyes for all the families that have been destroyed over alcohol and don't get their happily ever after. I cried for all the dreams and futures that were cut short because the temptation to drink quickly snuffed them out. I cried because the lies of alcohol affect not just the person but also their children, their grandkids, and everyone around them for generations to come. And then my tears flowed in overwhelming gratitude. I cried more because I am beyond thankful that those chains are broken in my family. I cried because I am blessed to be married to a guy who doesn't find hope at the bottom of a bottle and my children do not have to live under the burdens of addiction. I am in awe. I've been set free. The cycle of destruction will not repeat itself in my house! 

“Lord, help!” they cried in their trouble, and he saved them from their distress. He led them from the darkness and deepest gloom; he snapped their chains." Psalms 107:13-14

Advice for a New Teacher!

When I started teaching almost 20 years ago, I thought I was going to change the world! I arrogantly thought that my students had so much to learn and that I would impart this knowledge upon them with copious amounts of wisdom and creativity. The problem with education was some teachers just didn't care and they stopped teaching with enthusiasm. I was going to be different! I had a brand new degree on the wall that made me an expert, right? With my new school supplies, seating charts, books, bulletin boards, sharpened pencils (ooh how I love these), and lesson plans, I was ready to take on the challenge.

My first week, I quickly learned that I knew little to nothing! It was like a Tasmanian devil had gone off in my classroom and laid waste to all my hard work. Those 4th graders didn't care how long I prepared for them or that I spent all my money on those supplies. They didn't have any respect for that degree on the wall that cost me tens of thousands of dollars. They were definitely not sitting in their chairs with their hands in their laps ready to learn all the great and wonderful things I wanted to teach them. One student even looked at me and said, "Why should I listen to you?"

With all the indignation I could muster I said, "Because I am the TEACHER!" There that should put him in his place! He shrugged his shoulders and replied, "This is my 17th school since Kindergarten. I have had so many teachers I don't even remember any of them. My family will move again, like we always do, so I ain't even gonna waste my time getting to know you or listen to what you have to say."

I went home feeling like an utter failure, the wind taken out of my sails. My "change the world" attitude soon became "just let me survive"! I did get through my first year, barely. And I have continued to teach all different ages from preschool, to elementary, to middle school special education, and even adults in prison. But my arrogance quickly turned into humbleness. My imparting knowledge to my students instead became learning about them. My wisdom was not from my college degree but came from listening when the kids talked and more importantly trying to understand when they couldn't put their feelings into words. Instead of inspiring my students, they inspired me by overcoming obstacles that would have knocked most adults on their butt.

Other things I learned:

Don't assume you know anything about a child from just what you see on the outside. This will make you look foolish because many things can be covered up with cute clothes and a tidy haircut. Greatness and beauty can be hidden underneath dirt and a bad attitude.

Don't be quick to label. A label can follow a child around for a lifetime and place them in a box that defines them instead of being defined by who they are as a person and a unique human being.

Listen first. Kids have so many interesting things to say. Most of them don't have a voice outside of school. This could be his or her only opportunity to feel like someone is paying attention.

Watch closely. Kids don’t always have the vocabulary to explain what is going on inside. They are not mini adults. They are children who need help interpreting the world around them. Actions speak louder than words.

Don't stop believing that EVERY child is worthy! Every child deserves respect. Every child can learn even the ones who seem beyond hope! It's about progress not perfection. Look deeper for the each student's strengths.

Your words are powerful! Words can either build up or destroy. Be careful what you say about your students. Remember they are somebody's baby. Parents trust you with their most precious treasure for 6 hours a day. Don't take this lightly by being reckless with your words when talking about a child.

Don't point fingers at parents, the school, the administration, the educational system or whatever else you think is THE problem with education. Complaining and blaming don't work towards solutions. They drag everybody down. Be the change you want to see and make a difference in your classroom.

Finally, get ready for the ride of a lifetime! You will have many ups and downs but it's worth it all when you see some of your students 5, 10, 15 years later and know you had a small part in their journey!

Not Prepared For This!

Last night the pastor was talking about baptism and my 9 year old son looked up at me and said, "Mom I want to get baptized!" My first thoughts, like every good mom were, "Huh? What does this mean? Are you kidding? Does he know what he is talking about?"

Lawson, why do you want to get baptized? He peered over his glasses which magnify his eyes, "Mom, it’s not about the crackers and juice. I want to live with Jesus and I want Him to live in me."

Again in my head, so many irrelevant thoughts race through my mind, "Okay that's awesome BUT this was not on the schedule, grandma and grandpa are not here, we didn't send out invitations, we don't have a Bible with your name on it, I am wearing ripped jeans, this is epic and I am not prepared for this conversation!"

How can I not be prepared? I have ministered to people for over 20 years and have talked to hundreds about Jesus! Why am I drawing a blank looking in the eyes of one of the most precious kids in the world to me? God, what on Earth am I supposed to say? Maybe he should talk to his dad, who we can't find! Lord, please help me!

We go sit on a bench in the back of the church and I ask him, "Lawson do you know what baptism means? It’s telling the world, that the best that you know how, you are going to follow Jesus. You are going to let Him lead you in your life. That you know He died on the cross for your sins and rose again. At that he has a spot in heaven just for you! Is that what you believe son? Not because your dad is a pastor, not because you go to church, not because your brother did this 5 years ago, not to make us happy. There is no party, no presents, nothing but a horse trough with water outside for you to get wet in. Do you still want to do this?"

"Yep, I want to follow Jesus with all my heart." His dad walks up and we prayed with our son. Surrounded by tons of people who love and support him, Lawson Reid Lee, was baptized in a galvanized tub, sitting on a trailer, in the parking lot of a public high school. There weren't any balloons streamers, confetti, or banners. But I know there was a party in heaven with the angels singing and rejoicing! (Luke 15:10) 

"Jesus called a little child to him and put the child among them. 3 Then he said, “I tell you the truth, unless you turn from your sins and become like little children, you will never get into the Kingdom of Heaven. 4 So anyone who becomes as humble as this little child is the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven.: Matthew 18:2

TOXIC people

def. toxic- 1) extremely harsh, malicious, or harmful 2) exhibiting symptoms of infection 3) poisonous material especially when capable of causing death or serious debilitation.

Synonyms: harmful, unhealthy, venomous, deadly, lethal

Most of us see a skull and crossbones on a bottle or a can and we stay clear or at least handle it with the utmost caution. We acknowledge that the contents could be harmful if not deadly. One small bit of the chemical botox on your skin can kill you within minutes. Other substances like nicotine can take years to kill you slowly and painfully. 

We have warning labels on almost everything from Christmas trees to flammable pajamas to household cleaners. Why don't people come with some kind of warnings: toxic ...do not engage in any kind of relationship with this person. May cause irreversible damage, drag your emotions through the mud, stomp your heart to smithereens, and may infect your brain causing insanity.

Most of us have at least one relationship that we can relate this to. Maybe it was a boy/girlfriend, spouse, family member, boss or coworker, or a person we were close to. Some of us did not heed the warning labels or ignored the signs of danger all together! We chose not to listen or wanted to take the risks no matter the cost. We chose to constantly put ourselves in peril.

Since people don't have skulls and crossbones tattooed (mostly) on their foreheads, how are we to navigate in relationships? What are we to do? Be fearful? Run scared? Stay away?

Relationships can be intimidating but it doesn't mean you shouldn't engage. We are designed to live in community with each other. We are created to share our burdens, rejoice and mourn together, and most of all to love, everyone! People are messy, broken, and yes sometimes toxic. And since they don't come with instructions, handle with care, take caution, read the warning signs, and if you are having trouble understanding the labels get help. Ask people who are not scared to be honest with you. 

"If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him." James 1:5 

Delta Delta Delta

Sororities and fraternities pretty much have a bad reputation most of the time. With all the movies, Saturday night live skits, news coverage, and hazing ridiculousness, the Greek organizations often fulfill their infamous stereotypes. I, myself, poke fun when I sheepishly admit that I joined a very well-known sorority in college. But what people don't take into account are the benefits of being a part of Greek life. One of them being the people you meet and friendships you make that can last a lifetime.

I graduated from college almost 20 years ago and the friendships I made in my sorority are ones I still treasure to this day. The memories of our time living in the dorm together, dressing up for formals, going to parties, laughing at the antics of the frat boys, are all fun to reminisce about but the bonds have grown stronger since we have graduated. It’s the weddings we have shared together, the birthdays, baby showers, kid functions, Christmas parties, even the funerals and other milestones that have made these woman so important to me. It’s being able to appreciate the lines that are etched a little deeper in our faces, because of the many joyful events as well as the sorrows we have had to endure. It's accepting each other for who were are and respecting the different journeys we are all on. It's knowing that I might not see them often but when I do it’s like wrapping myself up in warm fuzzy blanket of comfort. Being a part of a sorority is sometimes what you see on TV, but for me it has been sharing life, tears, laughter, joy, heartache, with some pretty AMAZING people!  Calling them sisters is not too strong of a word for how I feel about them. 

Puzzles

When my kids were younger we did a lot of puzzles together. We loved the ones that use the Photomosaic process in which thousands of small, colorful images are blended to create a larger picture. It was so cool to see it all come together!

I got to thinking about the outside of the puzzle box. Without it, I would have been very lost because it tells you exactly what the final product should look like. It shows how each little tiny piece fit together to create this masterpiece.

Then I thought about what if there was a picture, the outside of a puzzle box that could capture the sum of my life? All the little pieces, my experiences, relationships, my thoughts, beliefs, values, actions, even my hurts, coming together to tell the story of who I am and what I am about? What would I want that picture to look like? Who would I want to be in it?

This was not easy and a little uncomfortable to think about. Would I want some of the horrible times to be erased or hidden? What if I left something important out? What if the picture in my head looked different from the one others would describe? Because honestly some days, most days, I am just trying to keep my head above water, just trying to survive the daily chaos.

With tears in my eyes, I bowed my head and thought, “Lord, what is my life really about?”  ~~Kimberley, you can paint your life anyway you choose! But remember, you will have to be intentional because your vision for your life can get very blurry quickly. It is easy to lose focus and start living a different life other than the one you really want!

My Puzzle Box would look like this: I want there to be a huge cross in the middle with Jesus standing in front of it with his arms opened wide. I would be kneeling at his feet with tears in my eyes at seeing my Savior and being in his presence. All around me would be pictures of the people in my life who I have loved, who loved and supported me, journeyed with me, and touched my life, however brief. It would be a collection of snapshots of love! I wouldn't hide the ugly parts because for better or worse they are part of me, but I would make them very faint, in the background, because they definitely don’t DEFINE me!

The words at the bottom would come from Jesus, “Kimberley, well done my faithful servant. Your journey was messy and far from perfect but you fought the good fight to spread the news about me. You were passionate about your family and telling your story. You refused to quit, no matter what the cost. You spent your life trying to understand the beauty and grace of the cross!”

What do you want the outside of your box to look like? What does your life stand for?

“For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us new in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.” 

Today He Came Home…

Today He Came Home…

My husband was in a car accident today and had to be transported to the hospital by ambulance. When I got the phone call, I flashed back to the time I was told my best friend, Carri, was in a car accident and she didn’t make it. Yes, it was Bryan on the phone and when I heard his voice I knew he was okay…it wasn’t the same thing. But why was my stomach hurting? My voice caught in my throat? Why couldn’t I seem to catch my breath? As he continued to reassure me that he was fine, just a little banged up, my mind was trying to catch up and my emotions were whirling around in my head. I felt fear, thankfulness, terror, and relief all at the same time. I had to keep telling myself, “Bryan is fine. He is coming home. Bryan is okay. This is not Carri. You are not going to his funeral. He is coming home.”

Immediately, I had to start praying, “God, thank you for protecting him. But right now I am struggling. I know in my head that he is alive but I can’t seem to get this hundred pound elephant off my chest. It is getting heavier with each memory of burying my best friend 20 years ago.”

Kimberley, do you trust me?

Yes, God but I kind of want to remind you that this is the love of my life, the father of my children, and I can’t imagine not being together.

Kimberley, your trust can not be conditional. Your joy does not change with your circumstances. Trust that I have a plan for Bryan’s life. Trust that I love him desperately because I created him. Trust in my promise that even in your darkest hours I will never leave or abandon you. “Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.” Romans 8:38. I am your rock and your refuge find comfort in me.

I took in a deep breath and slowly let it out, trying to release my extreme anxiety over anything happening to my husband. I Today, he came home and I am truly grateful because I personally know the outcome could have been tragically different. I will hug him tighter, hold on to him longer, and make sure he never has a doubt how much I love him!! Sideways 8 Bryan! 

“So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. You love him even though you have never seen him. Though you do not see him now, you trust him; and you rejoice with a glorious, inexpressible joy.” 1 Peter 1:6-8

Baseball for Valentine's Day

I am really not a baseball fan. I like sports that are a little faster pace and have more of a success rate (a good batting average is way below 50% and I struggle with this because as a teacher that is an F). But if you know my husband, he is a HUGE baseball fan. He loves to play it, coach it, watch it, and talk about it. FYI...One of our first dates was a Diamondback game that went into a 16 inning overtime, which by the 7th inning stretch I was already trying to devise a way to jump off a cliff. 

So today is Valentine's Day and usually it is about woman. But I wanted to figure out a way to turn the table and make this day special for my husband. He definitely is not going to want flowers, candy, a card, or anything else that looks like a lace doily. A romantic dinner is hard with three kids, a tight schedule, and every place being crazy crowded. What can I do to show him how much I love him? How do I let him know that he LOVES me well and that I appreciate all the things he does for me and the kids, like bringing me ice tea every morning or unclogging the toilets because it grosses me out or playing catch with our son for the 100th million time even when he is exhausted. A card can't tell him that I am the woman I am today partly because of his patience, love, friendship, and consistency over the last 18 years with me. That his steadfast commitment to following Jesus and trusting Him with everything has helped me not worry about tomorrow or stress about yesterday. 

For this Valentine's Day I bought my husband tickets to go see a baseball game. I will get dressed up in my U Of A shirt, get cash for the food concessions, and invite his friends to come along. I will sit there cheering on the home team and will (try really, really hard) not to complain about how boring this is or how I will poke my eyeballs out with a fork if it goes into overtime. I will do this because he is my best friend, the love of my life, and it can be about him for today!

"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance." 1 Corinthians 13:4-7