Prayers of A Husband

A few months ago I came across one of Bryan's prayer journals...and I wept. It wasn't organized, color-coded, or neat but oh how he prayed for so many of you, for the church, for this city, the future, for his kids and for me!

At the bottom of one of the pages he wrote:

"Pray Jesus to move in power to bring Kimberley

out of teaching to get to the Calling (you have for her)"

Seeing his handwriting, the prayers on his heart...broke me. I literally crumbled to the floor not just in grief but because of incredible LOVE! To know that my husband was going to God and requesting that He move mountains for me is overwhelmingly beautiful. Bryan's faith to ask bold things always amazed and sometimes scared me :)  But the way he KNEW me, humbled me daily.  Bryan looked past my outwardly and obvious strengths, my very very apparent weaknesses, past my hurt, my blustering, my doubts, my fears. For twenty-five years he saw me as MORE than....he saw things that I couldn't and stuff that I didn't even believe about myself yet. This was so POWERFUL to me as a wife. 

But Babe, what does this look like now? I'm a single mom, the sole provider. This job is my safety net, guaranteed, with health insurance, and 20 years experience. I can't imagine doing anything new...without you here cheering me on, your constant encouragement and support. Holding me when I cry because I'm scared to fail or take the next step. Speaking truth over me as the enemy's arrows try to pierce my heart. Please don't hold me to this RIGHT NOW!!! It's too big to do without you by my side. 

In my prayers I let God know all these reasons why the timing just wouldn't work; too many unknowns, not enough energy, too broken, no strength or capacity to even consider change of this magnitude after the last year.  My Jesus gently responded with "Kimberley, do you trust me?" and loudly shouted,  "I AM YOUR SAFETY NET!"

So for the first time in 10 years I did not sign my teaching contract. God has released me and closed that door.....the responses are falling into three categories:

1) Yeah....that makes sense.

2) Hmmm.... what is she going to do?

3) Oh dear she really has no plan...she has lost her mind.

I can't answer many questions because I don't have many answers but I can tell you that I am at peace and confident. With the prayers of my husband covering me and the perfect faithfulness of my Jesus...I say, Let's do THIS! What's next?

"Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the LORD our God." Psalm 20:7

 

THIS IS ME!!

The other day a friend made a comment to me, that some people probably couldn't "handle" me. I just laughed it off thinking whatever, probably true.  But today I was doing my quiet time and I thought, "Hmmm what am I agreeing to when I hear that?" 

What lies do I attach to that statement? Am I too much? Not enough? Too this or too that? Do I need to act differently around others, according to their personal tastes? Do I minimize myself so I can make my personality more digestible for them? Is that what I would tell my daughter to do?

"Hey, Lakin, I don't want you to seem too confident, too sure of yourself, or be a strong leader because it might be hard for some people to "handle". So make it a point to know what everyone in the room likes and adjust yourself around that so you will be more liked."

Just thinking about saying those words to her gives me a stomach ache! I can't imagine anyone telling their son, "try not to be too strong today honey or in charge. It might be hard for others to be around you." Blah!!!

Don't get me wrong, I am not blind to my fussy habits or high maintenance traits. But at this point in my life, I am coming to believe THIS IS ME and I am kinda okay with it! Sure there are things I would like to get better at (I tried to lower my voice and sounded like Barry White with a cold) and of course God is constantly working on my heart. But let's be honest, if I am not your cup of tea, rather than try to change or poke at me, you can always make the choice to smile and walk away. No harm, no foul. 

More and more, I want to spend time with people who are FOR ME! Who want me to be the best Kimberley I can be! They see my faults, look past my mess, over my need for control on certain things, embrace my lack of cooking and technology skills, my fast talking, not completing sentences, and love me anyway! I want to hang out with people who won't find little ways to chip away at my self-worth and make me feel less than. They see my heart and know that there is more to me than my "strong" personality and mixed up sayings. (Fold like a piano or slick as a board could be real right?) 

Sometimes these friends will have to pull me aside and let me know, "Hey Kimberley, you missed the mark on that one or 'That did not come off like you wanted it to'. Feedback with intentional love and grace is invaluable!!

Sticks and stone will break my bones and WORDS can be just as devastating. My prayer is to try to look at people, as their own unique masterpieces, created by a loving Heavenly Father, who doesn't make mistakes. And if for some reason I can't, I can choose to just smile and walk away, not tear down. 

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:13-14.

Today He Came Home…

Today He Came Home…

My husband was in a car accident today and had to be transported to the hospital by ambulance. When I got the phone call, I flashed back to the time I was told my best friend, Carri, was in a car accident and she didn’t make it. Yes, it was Bryan on the phone and when I heard his voice I knew he was okay…it wasn’t the same thing. But why was my stomach hurting? My voice caught in my throat? Why couldn’t I seem to catch my breath? As he continued to reassure me that he was fine, just a little banged up, my mind was trying to catch up and my emotions were whirling around in my head. I felt fear, thankfulness, terror, and relief all at the same time. I had to keep telling myself, “Bryan is fine. He is coming home. Bryan is okay. This is not Carri. You are not going to his funeral. He is coming home.”

Immediately, I had to start praying, “God, thank you for protecting him. But right now I am struggling. I know in my head that he is alive but I can’t seem to get this hundred pound elephant off my chest. It is getting heavier with each memory of burying my best friend 20 years ago.”

Kimberley, do you trust me?

Yes, God but I kind of want to remind you that this is the love of my life, the father of my children, and I can’t imagine not being together.

Kimberley, your trust can not be conditional. Your joy does not change with your circumstances. Trust that I have a plan for Bryan’s life. Trust that I love him desperately because I created him. Trust in my promise that even in your darkest hours I will never leave or abandon you. “Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.” Romans 8:38. I am your rock and your refuge find comfort in me.

I took in a deep breath and slowly let it out, trying to release my extreme anxiety over anything happening to my husband. I Today, he came home and I am truly grateful because I personally know the outcome could have been tragically different. I will hug him tighter, hold on to him longer, and make sure he never has a doubt how much I love him!! Sideways 8 Bryan! 

“So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. You love him even though you have never seen him. Though you do not see him now, you trust him; and you rejoice with a glorious, inexpressible joy.” 1 Peter 1:6-8

Just Hit 10,000

My blog stats said I just hit 10,000 views! At first I am excited because that seems like a big number. Is that good? Well compared to some it's actually small and compared to others it is more. But then I started freaking out...10,000 times someone saw my posts, read my inner most struggles and painful parts of my past. Did they like it, hate it, think differently about me? Did I reflect Jesus well? Were my words uplifting and consistent with whom HE is? Did I have a lot of grammar mistakes? Did any of it even make sense? Why should anyone care? I am not saying anything new...am I wasting everyone's' time?  AAAGHHH I can't do this!!! "God, I told you it would be dumb!"

"Kimberley, you know how I feel about you comparing yourself to others. What does it matter if your numbers are higher or lower than others? The focus is not 10, 100, or 10,000. Does it matter what people think about you or is it more important how I see you? Are you obeying me and listening to my spirit? I have a plan and a purpose for your blogs. Do you trust me?"

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

Here is to 1 or 200 more blogs! I will write until I have nothing else to say or He says it is done:)

I Will Follow You...

When Bryan talked about marriage the first time, I knew I was nowhere near ready to be his wife. I had so much baggage to deal with and didn't understand what healthy loved looked like. Over the next few years, I learned how God defines love. Love means sacrifice, serving each other, being patient, kind, not boastful, proud, or rude, keeps no record of wrongs, always protects, hopes, trusts, and never gives up!

On our wedding day, I promised to love Bryan for the rest of my life. At that time I had no idea what it would truly meant to be a pastor's wife. I had no clue what the next 20 years would hold. But I made the commitment that we were in this together. I told him on our honeymoon, that I would follow him wherever he felt God was leading us, even if that meant we lived in a cardboard box. For someone who had HUGE trust issues and grew up without a dad as the leader of the family, this was truly a big leap of faith.

Over the past 15 years, I have followed Bryan in pursuit of the mission God has put on his heart. Sometimes to our family and friends the path we chose seemed ridiculous, weird, and often downright crazy! A few times we were close to living in a cardboard box! But I have never doubted that God was preparing us for each leg of our journey to get ready for the next thing He had in store for us. I have trusted that God has a plan for our lives and he has created Bryan to lead our family. 

Tonight as we say goodbye to Pantano Christian Church, our home for the past eight years, my heart was full of love. Love for the people who believed in us and gave Bryan the freedom to be the person God created him to be. Love for all the people who have supported us and trusted us to lead them. Love for all the volunteers who show up every Sunday and helped us turn Elements City Church into what it is today. Love for my husband for having the courage to do the seemingly impossible especially when so many expected him to fail. And most importantly love for God, who showed me that faith as small as a mustard seed was enough to get me started, trust was worth the risk, and love never gives up! 

Bryan, I will follow you wherever you lead us, even if that means to a cardboard box! Let's do this!!!!

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." 1 Cor 13: 4-7

Jesus.....BUT?

A sorry doesn't mean as much when it is followed by a but...the but word some how takes away from the apology. "I'm sorry but I am really tired after work." "I'm sorry but you just made me so mad." "I'm sorry but I had a bad day." It gives the person a way out, a reason to not really be responsible. 

Often times we use this word in our relationship with Jesus, intentionally or unspoken.  "I will follow Jesus BUT I am not willing to commit too much. I love Jesus BUT I'm not willing to give up "fill in the blank".  I would share Jesus with others BUT I am too shy. I will go to church once a week BUT I'm too busy the other days to fit Him into my schedule." But, But, But.....

We feel better because at least we do something or follow part of the time or love mostly. We can still check off the boxes right? It's better than nothing? "But" is such a tiny word how much does it really matter?

Jesus replied, “‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind." Matthew 22:37

The "buts" stop us from giving our all. The "buts" give us the excuse to only meet Him halfway, to put up walls that cause barriers in our relationship with Him. We hold on so tight to parts of our lives in the end we lose because we miss the power of the Gospel!

"If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it." Matthew 16:24-25

So, how do you get rid of the "buts"? The answer is the cross. When we truly understand and rejoice in the work of Jesus on the cross we are not motivated by guilt or shame or have to. He said, "It is finished" and that's were our lives truly begin, standing in His grace and mercy and ultimate sacrifice. He doesn't need us to do anything, but because of the cross we should WANT to!

"Dear God, help me to know and see the "buts" in my life that are keeping me from loving you with all my heart, all my mind and all my soul. I don't want to hold anything back from you. It is hard, to give certain things up. Give me the wisdom to see the beauty of the cross and the courage to respond to it."

I Have Almost Died A Million Times!

      For those of you who really know me, I tend to be a bit of hypochondriac. In my defense, if I think I have a disease I don't actually go to the doctors so I consider myself just the hypo:) In my mind, I have fought off the West Nile disease at least three times. Mosquitoes love me! I found a spot on my leg and convinced myself it was a rare case of melanoma. When I see bruises of course it might be Leukemia. My headache could be a brain tumor along with numerous other cancer possibilities or maybe the beginnings of a blood clot. 
      I also like diagnosing others. I just know the people who come to my house who get cold easily have an iron deficiency or the guy who is tired all the time has a thyroid issue. It has gotten to the point where my husband has banned all medical books from coming into the house. When I try to sneak one in from the library he gives me 'the look" and tells me he doesn't want to hear not one thing from it no matter how "serious" I think it is. He also doesn't really want me to watch the shows like ER or the Baby Channel on TV, especially when I was pregnant. I try to avoid websites like WebMD which give me instant access to all kinds of information for me to obsess about.

      Although sometimes this can get humorous, I know this fear is not of God.

^{"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? "}  Matthew 6:25

     So if it is not of God, it might be a tool of the enemy. If I get distracted from the now and focus instead on the "what ifs" I can become paralyzed. I know my fear comes from losing my best friend at 20 and my grandmother a few months later. These times were dark and burying the two most important people in the world.... broke my spirit. I did not have God in my life then to lean on, instead the enemies lies crept in. "You weren't made to be happy..."

      The worst case scenario is death...but really if it were not for my kids and husband I am not afraid of that. I will get to dance with Jesus and sit at His feet. But I do fear leaving my beautiful family....Every day I pray against the lies and the fear that does not come from my heavenly Father. His plan for my life is perfect. I choose to trust Him and do what He has to do for His glory :)

Give and Take..Right?

As Americans we usually always want something in return for what we give, for what we do. If we give a present we expect a thank you card. If we give a donation we want a tax receipt. If we make good grades we want to be on the Honor Roll. If we do something for someone else we want them to acknowledge it or our feelings might get hurt. We want our friendships to be reciprocal. We want our church to be certain ways because we gave money or serve there. At work we want a raise, promotion, or at least a plaque if we give our best. We have become a nation that says, "What's in this for me? or "What can I expect in return? or "I expect this because I did that." Give and take... right?

The other day I brought something similar to God's attention. I was complaining about not getting anything in return from certain people after I gave them so much. I was having a pity party and was questioning why I was even doing this ministry since it seems so one-sided. This went on for a few days and as I was watching a silly horse movie I just started bawling (the movie wasn't sad). The tears just kept coming and I felt an overwhelming sense of regret. God brought me to my knees and reminded me (AGAIN) of what serving Him with all my heart looks like.

"Kimberley, what if you are not supposed to get anything back? Your sole purpose is just to give, give it all, no matter the cost. You are to mentor others because I asked you to journey alongside of them. You are to plant seeds that I WILL grow. This is not give and take..this time, it is only give. Put aside your selfishness, your pride, and obey."

He then pointed to the cross and asked me what His son got in return for dying on the cross for me.

"And now, Israel,(Kimberley) what does the LORD your God ask of you but to fear the LORD your God, to walk in obedience to him, to love him, to serve the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul" Deuteronomy 10:12 

Can You Hear Me Now Part 3

"The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge, but fools despise wisdom and instruction." Proverbs 1:7

      God uses other people to talk to me. When I listen to those who have integrity and are actively following Jesus, he uses them to speak to me, either by their actions or words. I have listened to a sermon that I felt was created just for me. As if, I was the only person in the room and the pastor was talking directly to me. The message moved me to action, to change something, to go talk to someone, to repent. This is God SPEAKING, giving me a push!
      Other times I have seen a person serve with humility, unselfishness, and love that gave me an example for what I should be doing. People who would go on a missions trip they could not afford, to a country that no one wants to go to, leaving their family behind because God told them to go. He speaks through them by the way they courageously acted. (The righteous choose their friends carefully, but the way of the wicked leads them astray. Proverbs 12:26)  God has used my son to set an example of boldly proclaiming His name to his friends and not be ashamed. When I asked him if he felt silly or was scared to talk to his friends on the playground about God his response put me in my place, "Mom, why would I be afraid? I have God on my side what else do I need? I want them to know Jesus."  Yes, God can speak through a child. 
      I have seen a man stand before others as they were tearing down his character and not reply in anger but in grace. When I asked him why he didn't stand up for himself or put those people in their place his reply was, "Who I am does not come from what they think. Who I am comes from the one who created me. He holds my reputation in his hands. Yelling back gives others power and takes away His glory in me."  After that God definitely spoke to my heart about how I respond in certain situations!

      I know there are many people out there proclaiming falsehoods about our God and we do need to guard our hearts. But God does use others to speak into our lives whether it is a pastor, friend, child, coworker, or even a stranger. Again we have the choice to listen, filter it through the truths we know from the Bible, and act upon it.  Will we CHOOSE to be foolish or wise? Because my friends, it is definitely a choice whether to listen or not.

"....if you accept my words
and store up my commands within you, 

 turning your ear to wisdom
and applying your heart to understanding— 

indeed, if you call out for insight
and cry aloud for understanding" Proverbs 2: 1-3

This One Is Mine!

   Sometimes it is very easy to lose our identity. I am the mother of Lakin, Landen, and Lawson. The wife of Bryan. The daughter of my parents, the sister of Michelle and so on... I look in the mirror and wonder, "Who am I apart from all those titles?" If one of those gets taken away we might feel lost or discouraged because our identity is so closely linked to the labels, to the people. Now don't get me wrong, I LOVE being a mom and wife. But, I can't help but think that maybe God doesn't want me to be identified just by my relationships. Maybe we put so much effort into those closest to us we forget to   realize where we come from, who we belong to. 

  "Kimberley I created you. I knitted you together in your mother's womb.(Psalm 139:13) I know the number of hairs on your head.(Luke 12:7) I created you for a purpose and that is to love me. I have blessed you with a family but your heart is spoken for. YOU ARE MINE! I have marked your spirit to love me with all your heart, mind, and soul. I want you to represent my love to others by showing them who I am to you. I expect a lot from you not because of your earthly identity but because of my son up on the cross. I bought you with his blood and this is where your strength comes from. You don't have to achieve greatness to be loved by me. You don't have to be the perfect mom, wife, mentor, or friend. I love you no matter what. Be grateful for whom you are and the people I have place in your life, but give me the glory! And remember, your heart is spoken for."

"I have called you by name, You are mine!" Isaiah 43:1