Piles of "Crap"!

I am semi-organized...in my house everything has its place but the things I don't want to deal with especially paperwork to file, bills to be paid, mail to sort through, taxes to figure out, goes into a pile. Now they ARE organized piles. Piles with a purpose. Neat piles if you will. Sometimes I actually move them around, shuffle them a bit to make myself feel accomplished but rarely do I go through them except in a panic to find something. I don't actually "deal" with them on a regular basis.

Yesterday, I was FORCING myself to tackle one of the piles because we are getting our floor done and it must be gone. I DREADED going through it! I might even have been feeling some anxiety about how overwhelming the task was going to be and I didn't know where to start!

As I was procrastinating by painting the baseboards, because yeah that makes sense in the big scheme of things, it hit me! That the way I feel about those dumb piles is the way I feel about some of my issues! You know the issues we all have that we just don't want to take care of so we put them off. Maybe walk around them, act like they aren't there because thinking about them causes angst, apprehension, or fear. The conversations we might be avoiding, the sin we keep not confessing, the anger we let explode, the pride that halts our growth, the negative thoughts that make us critical, the perfectionism that makes us controlling......those issues that have been moving around in our life for a very long time.

Funny thing though even if I pretend my piles aren't there or flat out ignore them doesn't mean they go away by themselves. There is no magic fairy waving a wand or a genie twitching her nose that will make it all disappear. To clear those piles will take work, fortitude, the willingness to get to the bottom no matter what comes up, the courage to face the truth no matter how painful, the perseverance to not quit when it gets tough, and the humbleness to ask for help even if you are embarrassed. Some of those piles or issues seem like mountains too high to climb. It probably will get really messy before any progress is made. Why not leave them alone? What is it really hurting? My piles, my issues, are just who I AM!

"The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life." John 10:10 

Sometimes we wait too long and our marriages crumble, relationships drift apart, debt mounts, bitterness sets in, procrastination happens, certain sins become way too comfortable. We justify that others are worse or we outright deny that we have any issues at all. We settle for less than. We agree to "this is it". We don't claim the mighty promises of our generous God. We stick our head in the sand like an ostrich and let our "piles" accumulate, hinder, and stop us from living an awesome life!

But God created us to be free of all the stuff that trap us and keep us just going through the motions. "There is a true peace and satisfaction that comes from being completely submitted to God's will—knowing you are living in the manner He wants you to live. Then you are free to live the joyful life, the complete life, the free life—the life Jesus describes as "more abundant." (Yohn) 

Which pile do you want to tackle first? One paper, one issue at a time! It's about progress, not perfection!

Frantic!

Since starting a new school year about a month ago, the word that keeps popping in my mind is FRANTIC! Between buying school supplies, getting homework done, scheduling all the sports practices and games, trying to do laundry, maybe cook a meal or two, go to church, lead small groups, go to work, coach volleyball, try to find time for romance, make sure kids are feeling valued, take care of the finances, go to the grocery store, shop for birthday parties, open houses, wedding showers, engagements, and worst of all LUNCHES 5 times a week for all of us! Most nights I crawl into bed and think, "Whew! I made it one more day."

I try to be thankful that I am alive, have a great husband, healthy kids, a home that is almost paid off, and a job to make the bills. I try to remember that I serve a God who is big and has a plan for my life. But I find it much easier to get distracted by the business of life and the franticness of checking all the boxes on my To-Do list!!I tell myself it’s okay BECAUSE I am doing good things like raising kids, loving my husband, and serving the church. I justify our life choices by saying it's only for a short time, other families are worse, BUSY is the new norm people..right? We might be hamsters running on the wheel but at least we're exercising!

Then I heard Perry Noble say, "Many of us are putting so much time and effort into things that have no eternal value. They might be good things but they are not the great things that God wants for our life because they do not have eternal significance."

Oh...good but not great? What does that mean in reality? "Kimberley, if you put up a schedule of how you and your family spend your time how much is blocked off for Me? Am I a box to be checked on Sundays and prayers at mealtimes? Would my time be crowded with sports, music lessons, movies, video games, watching TV, computers, working out (NOT), crafts, etc, etc? All those things are good but I created you for SO MUCH MORE! Your kids may be straight A students, star athletes, or music virtuosos but do they know Me? Am I just in your lives or am I the reason for your lives? This is not a life of balance where you juggle Me along with the rest. I AM."

You were created to love me and get to know me. You were made to love others and be in community with fellow believers. You were made to serve others and my church. You were made to go tell everyone the good news so they may have eternal life.

"So if you’re serious about living this new resurrection life with Christ, act like it. Pursue the things over which Christ presides. Don’t shuffle along, eyes to the ground, absorbed with the things right in front of you. Look up, and be alert to what is going on around Christ—that’s where the action is. See things from his perspective." Colossians 3:1-2

Christmas Crazy!

This time of year can get pretty hectic with all the parties, kid’s concerts, present buying, decorating, baking, cooking, Elf on the shelf, Santa, advent, and all the other stuff that goes on with the Christmas season. It’s easy to get caught up in the whirlwind of activities to try to build memories for our families. We have the best intentions…really. According to the Facebook posts there are women out there they do it all, effortlessly?

But the stress of “doing it all” is just that stressful! Pile that on with heaps of guilt for snapping at our kids, getting frustrated at our husbands for not helping enough, and the exhaustion from cramming everything into our tight schedules and the joy of Christmas becomes replaced with the “franticness” of the getter dun mentality. “I will rest after December 25th.” Cause getting ready for New Year’s Eve/Day, taking down decorations, and starting our resolutions doesn’t consume any time right?

On the way to school today God spoke to my heart, “Kimberley, remember, It’s not what you do, it is who you are! Your family will remember the gifts of hugs, kisses, love, and time spent together. All that other stuff is not bad but it is certainly not necessary for your kids to experience the real meaning of Christmas. They are watching who you are more than all the great things you do for them.”

The birth of Jesus is the reminder of the hope and future we have because of Him. Joy to the world the Lord has come!

“Don’t be afraid!” he said. “I bring you good news that will bring great joy to all people. The Savior—yes, the Messiah, the Lord—has been born today in Bethlehem, the city of David! And you will recognize him by this sign: You will find a baby wrapped snugly in strips of cloth, lying in a manger.” Suddenly, the angel was joined by a vast host of others—the armies of heaven—praising God and saying, “Glory to God in highest heaven, and peace on earth to those with whom God is pleased.” Luke 2:10-14

Call Back!

Someone just gave me the book Jesus Calling to read. Although I will admit I was in a bad mood when I started the first page... I struggled to get into it! One thought kept going through my head, "Jesus is Calling BUT.... I Don't Want To Answer the Phone!" I couldn't even focus on the words as I argued with myself and God. "What if I am tired of Him calling? What if I don't want to answer? Maybe I just want to be left alone? How about you call back another day!" I know this sounds ridiculous but I couldn't stop myself from throwing a mini tantrum. 

Like most toddlers, I finally wore myself out. And Jesus called. 

"Kimberley, are you done? If not I will wait. Remember that I love you and the promises I made to you 20 years ago. Your journey with me will sometimes be very difficult. There are going to be many times you will grow weary. I never promised you a rose garden or dreams full of fluff. But I will never leave or forsake you. I will always love you and be your refuge in the storms."

But God, I am so tired sometimes of dealing with all "this"!

"Kimberley, you promised to obey and you were called for such a time as this! Do you remember what life was like without me? Did you forget where I found you? Run into my arms to find rest and give me your burdens to carry. Lean on me, I will hold you up when you can't take another step. I will carry you when you can't move forward. But when I call, don't block me out."

Jesus IS calling! I'm going pick up the phone because I want to talk to Him! He will wait and continue to pursue me even when I put my fingers in my ears to tune Him out. Why? His love for us is relentless! He will never give up!

"Let all that I am praise the Lord; with my whole heart, I will praise his holy name. Let all that I am praise the Lord; may I never forget the good things he does for me." Psalm 103:1-2

Who Is This King of Glory?

January 12, 2001. The doctor came in and mumbled, “I am sorry but the epidural is not going to work. We took it out put it back in and sometimes these things just happen.” I could not process this information. Where in birthing class did they tell us this was a possibility? I signed up for an epidural! I am not ashamed to say I wanted pain medication. What do you mean not going to work? Is it broken? What’s the next step? Who is in charge? You are the head of anesthesiology? What do I do? 

“Ma’am, we can’t give you advice as what to do. We can only give you the facts.” Again,you are the head doctor and you can’t at least make an education suggestion? Well how am I supposed to know what to do? I am in a lot of pain here in case you guys forgot that these are Pitocin contractions. Intense does not adequately describe this kind of pain!

I frantically looked into my nurse’s face and asked, “How bad is this going to get?” With tears streaming down her face she quietly whispered, “Much, much worse.” Ummm, the nurse crying was not very reassuring. In fact I am now completely freaked out!!! My mind was reeling with questions and doubts jumbled together with the relentless pain of the constant contractions. “I need everyone to leave the room.” The nurse protested. “We can’t do that. We have to continually check the monitors.” Again I said, “I need everyone to leave the room. I have to get myself together.” I am in delivery, with no epidural, I am not progressing, the nurse is crying, my husband is looking bewildered, and no one will tell me everything is going to be all right. What the heck does together really mean? I have to go to my source. My comforter. God is the creator right? I put on my headphones and slipped in the Third Day Offerings CD.(Remember a decade ago there were still CDs)

The song that was playing was "King of Glory"

“Who is this King of glory that pursues me with His love..” God this child was your idea, your plan. What is going on?

"And haunts me with each hearing of His softly spoken words..” I am freaked out right now.

"My conscience, a reminder of forgiveness that I need…” Is my baby going to be okay? I have become attached to her. I want this baby!! “

"Who is this King of glory who offers it to me..” I fell in love with her the moment I saw her heart beating on the sonogram screen.

"Who is this King of angels, O blessed Prince of Peace..” I do not feel peace right now. God I need you to show up.

"Revealing things of Heaven and all its mysteries..” You promised me ten years ago you would never let go. Right now I need you.

"My spirit's ever longing for His grace in which to stand” This is between me, you, and this baby. I have been faithful. I have followed you. Promise me my baby will be okay. Promise!!

"Who is this King of glory, Son of God and son of man” Did I mention that I am really, really, scared?

I lay there, my body screaming in agony with the life inside me demanding to come out. My legs were completely dead from the epidural. My left arm was in a cast from falling and breaking my elbow the day before. The other arm was hooked up to the blood pressure machine and had an IV line in it. My body was broken. It had let me down. With no arms or legs working, I felt helpless, defeated, wondering how on earth I was going to get my daughter out. I could hear my heart and the music pounding in my ears battling for my attention. My mind was racing in all different directions trying to wrap my brain around what was going on inside my body. “God, did I mention her name is Lakin?”

“His name is Jesus, precious Jesus” Kimberley, I gave you my precious son Jesus.

"The Lord Almighty, the King of my heart. The King of glory” I am your King, my glory will reign.

”Who is this King of glory with strength and majesty” I am your refuge, let me be your strength. Let me be your rock.

”And wisdom beyond measure, the gracious King of kings” Don’t you think I have a plan? Don’t you think I know what is going on?

”The Lord of Earth and Heaven, the Creator of all things” I am the creator, Kimberley. I knitted your daughter together in your womb. She is a gift from me. I love her more than you will ever know.

”Who is the King of glory, He's everything to me” I will you show you my glory. You and your daughter will be fine. Everything will work out. I have a plan for Lakin’s life. She has a purpose. She will be okay.

"The Lord of Earth and Heaven, the Creator of all things. He is the King of glory, He's everything to me”
Precious, precious Jesus like the song says, you are the Lord of heaven and earth, my creator, you are everything to me. I am sorry I doubted you. I can do all things through Him who gives me strength. Let’s do this!!

The nurse quietly slipped in to check the monitors. My husband followed behind her. All I needed was to look in his eyes to let him know I was in a better place. He nodded his head and said, “You ready?” Yeah, I am. I know everything will be all right. Our daughter will be okay.

The rest of Lakin’s delivery was very traumatic. My body never fully got ready for delivery. Her collarbone was caught on my pelvic bone and she was stuck in the birth canal. After three hours of excruciating pushing, things started going downhill. Her heart rate was dropping and I was exhausted with barely anything left. My doctor looked up and pierced me with her eyes. Very quietly, but with extreme firmness she said,” Kimberley you have got to get her out now!” She nodded to the nurse and muttered something. Again tears welled up in the corner of the nurse’s eyes. She glanced down at me shaking her head and said, “I am so sorry.” 

At that moment my doctor yelled push. The nurse jumped up, pushed her elbow and the force of her body into the top of my stomach. I grabbed her arm and through clenched teeth asked her what exactly was she doing. Pain seared through every part of my battered body, too fatigued to even fight back the assault coming from every direction. All of a sudden a red light started flashing, alarms went off and an army of people rushed into the room. I felt my daughter literally being ripped out of my body as I fell back against my pillows, slumped in physical devastation. Lakin was swiftly put into the arms of the specialists. My senses were heightened but I could barely muster the strength to utter the words, “Is she okay?"

Yes!! Yes!! She is fine! Her right arm is slightly limp because of the trauma of being forced out but everything else looks great. Congratulations Bryan and Kimberley, here is your daughter. 

Lakin Elise Lee, 8 pounds 13 ounces, 19 inches long. I looked in her eyes, kissed the top of her head, and inhaled her sweet baby fragrance. I whispered in her ear, “Lakin, this is your mommy. I have been waiting for you. You are my gift from God and He has a plan for your life.”     

 Who is this King of Glory who is everything to me? 
His name is Jesus..precious Jesus.

What Do You Want From Me?

Some days I sit in the middle of my bed feeling pulled in a hundred different ways. Honey can you do this? Mom, I need that right now? Kimberley can you talk? Mom, I need to be there! Babe, I have a meeting! What's for dinner? Where are my socks? Where is my uniform? Did you wash my jeans? Did you pay the phone bill? Did you call your Aunt? Did you pack my lunch? Did you make that appointment? Did you read your Bible? Did you, did you....did you? I have so many hats I wear it can be very overwhelming just trying to keep my head above the water. My floaties often fail and I am left dog paddling all day long. I can get pretty tired if not bone weary exhausted by the end of each day.

What Do You Want From Me? I say this to myself at least ten times a day. In my head, I say it to God, my husband, my kids, my family, my friends, my coworkers, students we mentor, the check-out lady, ....I know an Adam guy made this a song and although I do not listen to his music I can identify with the question.  Maybe I should just start asking people out loud, "What is it that you REALLY want from me?" Let's just cut to the chase, give me the bottom line, and I will check the yes or no box if I can help you out? Will that work?

I thought I would try my idea out on God first, so for the past year every time I get overwhelmed I go to Him and through gritted teeth, desperation, worry; I yell, cry, or strongly ask, "WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME?"  The answers have not been what I expected or necessarily wanted. Many times God is silent. He says nothing. No matter if I repeat myself, get louder, or get angry there is not a response. Other times I have heard His words clearly. "Kimberley I want you to obey. Yes, obey! Kimberley I want you to ask for forgiveness. You know you were wrong. Kimberley submit, you are not in charge or even stay away from that with a ten foot pole." 

More often than not when I ask God my question He gently nudges me. I feel the pull to make a phone call, have lunch with a friend, or give an encouraging word to someone. He pushes me to do the right thing even if it’s uncomfortable, to be transparent even if others will judge me (think BLOG), or be loving even if don't want to. When I tell Him, "NO! I do not have the strength to do that." He says His power is made perfect in my weakness. When I tell Him, "I am tired I cannot go another step." He reminds me to cast all my burdens upon Him and He will carry them for me.

When I tell Him, "God you ask too much! You don't really expect that of me do you?" He lovingly points to the cross. When I cry out and ask Him, "What Do You Want From Me?" He simply says, "Kimberley I want everything!"