Lawson's Journey-May 2017

 I have put off writing this post. I feel if I put it down on paper it will become more real. It seems easier if I just go into survival mode, put blinders on, and press on. Denial can be so strong. Dealing with truth of any kind is painful and exhausting. After endless years of unexplained sickness, allergies, asthma, chronic stomachaches, and numerous tests, Lawson was diagnosed in June with Celiac. Again our world was topsy-turvy, with another life-changing autoimmune disease.  Our lives had to stop, re-calibrate, as we researched and learned about a whole different set of issues other than our daughter's Type 1 Diabetes. I have heard so many people make comments on this whole "Gluten" thing. "It's a phase. It is just a way to spend more money on expensive foods. It's the latest fad. It wasn't around 20 years ago, so I don't believe it. How serious can it really be?" 

The doctor spoke slowly so I could digest it all, "Kimberley, Lawson's intestinal wall is very damaged because he highly allergic to gluten. Every time he eats it, his immune system mounts an attack on this part of his body. Left untreated, Celiac disease can lead to additional serious health problems, like Type I diabetes, multiple sclerosis (MS), anemia, osteoporosis, infertility and miscarriage, neurological conditions like epilepsy and migraines, short stature, and intestinal cancers. There is no cure except total elimination of all gluten from his diet, which is found in many foods, drinks, spices, medicines, and other products. He needs separate dishes, utensils, toaster, and other appliances need to be monitored for cross contamination. 1/50th of a crumb can harm him and cause a reaction. Eating out will be a problem because there are many places who offer gluten free items but they are touched by other gluten containing foods or workers who don't change their gloves. He will have to be very, very careful. There are few APPS that you can download that might help."

WTH???? That was the response in my head. Why didn't the other doctor tell us this 2 years ago? I specifically asked! "Apparently not enough biopsies were taken from his intestines. The damage can be spotty at first so at least 6 sections need to be sampled to get an accurate diagnosis." Seriously!

New toaster? 1/50th of a crumb? Eating out is our way of life! Cross contamination sounds like a science experiment? Did I mention we always eat out? An app? Are you kidding me? No medicine to make it go away? Total elimination? That sounds impossible! I was trying, but failing, to process all this information. It was like a fire hydrant of facts, opened full throttle, and aimed right at my brain. 

Deep breath! Pray! Repeat! Deep breath! Pray! Repeat!

"God, need you here, before I go into full freak out mode! Kind of overwhelmed at this moment. Feeling like a failure for not doing enough before this. Don't think I can handle ONE MORE THING with my kids! Are you kidding me?"

"Kimberley, calm down. Dig deep. I am here. Lawson is mine. I have a plan for his life. You have to trust me in the storms. You can DO THIS! Not because you are strong, but because my power is made perfect in your weakness. You need to lean on me, when you don't understand or grow weary. Sing my praises and know without a shadow of a doubt, that I have your son's name written on the palm of my hand."

"Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name. For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations." Psalms 100:4-5

Good News At Last!!

Lawson has been seeing an eye doctor since he was a year old. He has gone through patches, prisms, eye drops, therapy, and even surgery! He got his first pair of glasses at 14 months and we just replaced his frames last week which pushed his number of glasses to 41 pairs! Today we went to get his eyes checked because he was having trouble seeing out if his left one. This kid rarely complains so my first thought was not another issue with his vision :( We sat in the doctor's office and I waited, holding my breath, praying, trying not to show my worry to my son. I flashed back to all the things this third child of mine has had to overcome and was gearing up for the next hurdle.

The doctor asked Lawson a bunch of questions and to read the letters on the wall. When he kept missing them I started to panic. (No Bryan was not around to give me the calm down face) I wanted him to pass so bad I almost felt like giving him the answers!! Just a whisper here and there if you will. What's the big deal? Kimberley, get a hold of yourself! What kind of mom wants to help their son cheat on his eye exam?? (Again Bryan was not there to give me the," Are you crazy, pull it together!" look). But we have been here so many times before and I just didn't want him to have to deal with one more thing!

Finally, after what seemed like forever (we had been there over 2 hours) the doctor turns to me and says, "The reason Lawson can't see is.......his prescription is too powerful! His eyes have gotten better and these glasses are just too strong now."

What? What does that even mean? He has had trouble seeing since birth. I am expecting bad news again. I just know you are going to tell me he is going to need surgery a second time. Is this good? Why am I having trouble intaking this positive news?

"No, I do not think Lawson will need surgery as a teenager. His eyes are correcting themselves with his glasses on to almost 20/20. Everything looks great. In fact, he was not a candidate for soft contact lens because his eyes were so bad but because of the improvement he can wear them anytime he is ready. Bad news, he is going to need a new pair of glasses because his prescription HAS changed. "

Doctor that is not bad news that is an answer to prayer! An answer to prayer from a very weak momma who sometimes doubts the BIGNESS of God. It is one more example of God's glory no matter how small my faith seems at times. Even if the outcome would have gone the other way, God has THIS! Lawson is a gift from Him no matter what and a blessing to us! So he is worth the extra $350 dollars they will cost. Bring on the 42nd pair of glasses!

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13

Trouble At School!

Yesterday my son got into trouble at school. As I walked into the Principal's office my heart was beating a thousand times a minute. I was trying to hold it together professionally but my mama bear instinct was raging in full force. All I could think about was how to protect my son who was obviously upset. The principal informed me, "He had thrown a rock and it hit someone. He admitted he did it but said it was an accident. But he has been told not to play with rocks so he will lose his lunch break and his morning break the next day."
 
The thoughts whirling in my head were not pretty. "Really, he has gone here three years and never been in trouble and this warrants a visit to the Principal's office? He got hit in the head with a Lacrosse ball a month ago and it almost broke his nose but no one missed their break. A kid told my second grader to "F" off yesterday and nothing happened to that kid. Why is my son sitting here feeling so small and so destroyed?"
 
I took a deep breath, knowing that voicing these things took the focus off my son and he needed me to keep it together. He didn't need me attacking the system or arguing over the injustices of school discipline. He needed his mom to reassure him it was going to be okay. I put my "ghetto" Kimberley back inside and faced him.

"Son, did you tell the truth? Did you handle this with integrity? Then do not worry about all this other stuff. You knew you shouldn't pick up the rock because people might get hurt. You are not a bad kid but you did not make a good choice. You will own your part and take the consequence. You will respect the authority of this school even if you don't agree and even if it seems unfair. But know this, THERE IS NOTHING YOU DO THAT WILL EVER MAKE ME LOVE YOU ANY LESS! You are my son and I will always love you no matter what. This does not define you."
 
As we walked out of the office I could see him still struggling to come to grips with being sent to the principal. After he washed his face off I asked him if he needed me to pray over him and he said yes. I prayed for him to accept responsibility, have a peace that everything will be okay, and to remember that he is the son of a mighty, mighty king who will always love him.
 
I watched him walk back to class, and I was still shaking inside. Angry that my son was reduced to feeling so small but knowing that the world can be an ugly place. My job is to help him grow up owning his junk and handling himself with honor and integrity. He did not need me to protect him or help avoid the consequences, that just produces children who think nothing is ever their fault. My job was to ASSURE him that he is LOVED, no matter what. The reason I know how important this is...because I have a heavenly Father who does this for me DAILY.

^"And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." 

Romans 8:38-39

I Have Almost Died A Million Times!

      For those of you who really know me, I tend to be a bit of hypochondriac. In my defense, if I think I have a disease I don't actually go to the doctors so I consider myself just the hypo:) In my mind, I have fought off the West Nile disease at least three times. Mosquitoes love me! I found a spot on my leg and convinced myself it was a rare case of melanoma. When I see bruises of course it might be Leukemia. My headache could be a brain tumor along with numerous other cancer possibilities or maybe the beginnings of a blood clot. 
      I also like diagnosing others. I just know the people who come to my house who get cold easily have an iron deficiency or the guy who is tired all the time has a thyroid issue. It has gotten to the point where my husband has banned all medical books from coming into the house. When I try to sneak one in from the library he gives me 'the look" and tells me he doesn't want to hear not one thing from it no matter how "serious" I think it is. He also doesn't really want me to watch the shows like ER or the Baby Channel on TV, especially when I was pregnant. I try to avoid websites like WebMD which give me instant access to all kinds of information for me to obsess about.

      Although sometimes this can get humorous, I know this fear is not of God.

^{"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? "}  Matthew 6:25

     So if it is not of God, it might be a tool of the enemy. If I get distracted from the now and focus instead on the "what ifs" I can become paralyzed. I know my fear comes from losing my best friend at 20 and my grandmother a few months later. These times were dark and burying the two most important people in the world.... broke my spirit. I did not have God in my life then to lean on, instead the enemies lies crept in. "You weren't made to be happy..."

      The worst case scenario is death...but really if it were not for my kids and husband I am not afraid of that. I will get to dance with Jesus and sit at His feet. But I do fear leaving my beautiful family....Every day I pray against the lies and the fear that does not come from my heavenly Father. His plan for my life is perfect. I choose to trust Him and do what He has to do for His glory :)