We are by far not marriage experts and don't have counseling degrees, but we DO have A LOT of experience. I have mentioned before that I am a fighter...so I had to make sure Bryan knew this area inside and out. It would make him a better pastor right? (See honey, all that arguing in the beginning had a point...to help others :)
During our "research" we came up with four things we try not to do in the heat of a fight, when anger is high and maybe we, I mean I, am seeing red.
1) Don't dump truck- this is when you get off track from what is really bothering you and you just dump everything out. You start piling up all the garbage that has angered, bothered, irritated, or hurt you and you dump it. It is hard enough to deal with one problem much less try to sift through a bunch of issues. Try to keep focused on the bottom line, in that moment. Save the other stuff for later. It will get overwhelming real fast if you throw out too much at one time...many give up before they even start.
2) No Name Calling/Bad language- the minute you lose control over your tongue and start calling each other names or using bad words, everybody loses! Remember this is your spouse, the one who you committed to loving for the rest of your life. Name calling and ugly language tears away the very foundation of love and leaves deep scars that are not easily repaired. Think of a crisp, white piece of paper. If you rip or crinkle it and then try to smooth it out does it go back to how it looked in the beginning? No, that piece of paper is never the same.
3) Don't EVER, EVER, EVER Threaten- You are not in the mafia! Never say something you are not ready to back up. This will eventually backfire. If you say it enough times the other person might just take you up on it even when you didn't really mean it. Especially the "divorce" word. Throwing this word around in a fight opens the door for the enemy to walk right in, cast doubts, stir up trouble, and cause discord.
4) Don't Share- When you are mad or upset at your spouse be very careful who you vent to. Try to go to God or a mentor for wise counsel. Using your family or friends is really not a good option. They shouldn't be put in the middle and it might be hard for them to move on after a problem is resolved. Sometimes they actually might be the problem by constantly bringing up the old stuff or helping you justify your behavior.
On the flip side, how do we resolve conflict? Fight fair! (Is that an oxymoron?) Well, this has taken quite a bit of practice, self-control and a whole lot of God's help.
1) Forgive often, and then forgive some more- forgiveness is key to a happy marriage. We are all broken, broken people. When you put two broken people together of course there are going to be problems! Our own selfishness, desires, wills, issues, and sin will rear their ugly heads and cause us to hurt each other. It is so important to offer grace even when they don't deserve it. This does not mean you don't hold each other accountable. It means you let go of things that weigh down your relationship.
2) Keep short accounts- marriage is not about trying to balance out the scales. It is not 50/50. Sometimes it could be 80/20 or even 99/1. The list you are making in your head about all the things the other person has not done right and all the things you do ..needs to be thrown out. IMMEDIATELY! Your column might have more check marks but where is right going to get you? Proving to someone how much better you are then them just doesn't turn out well.
3) Listen to hear what the other person is saying- Often in an argument we are not really listening. We are forming our own attack or defense. Stop and LISTEN! Then repeat back what you heard. "So what I heard you say is.." If you are doing the talking make sure you ask, "What did you hear me say?" What you think you communicated could be totally different from what they heard.
4) Ask for help- don't wait until it is too late when the damage is done. Pick up the phone and call a counselor, have a conversation with a pastor, do a Bible study together, and most of all PRAY, PRAY, PRAY. Pray for God to change your heart, pray for God to hold your tongue, pray for God to protect your marriage, pray for God to help you see your spouse the way He sees them.
How often do I fail at many of the above? Frequently! But I don't give up. I fight for my marriage. And with God's help, over the last 20 years, it has gotten better. Thank God :)
"Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires." James 1:19-20
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