Three Little Words

   

 One of God's greatest works in me is my desire to apologize. That sounds simple, almost a given, but in my life, in my family, apologies were a sign of weakness. Saying sorry gave the other person the power to hurt you, throw it back in your face, or manipulate you. Sorry also became meaningless, empty words said until the next time my dad went off drinking for the weekend, stole the mortgage money, or walked out the door on Christmas saying he was going to the cleaners and not coming home for two weeks. My mom rarely apologized and sincerely meant it. If there was a moment she was yelling a sorry she always added a huge BUT...somehow making it the other person's fault.  When I was slapped, or punished, or accused of stealing money that I didn't, there was no ownership of how devastated I was but blame place on the horrible situation we lived in. I grew up in a home where my voice was small, my feelings didn't count, and I was always wrong.
      My serious boyfriend I dated always said sorry until the next time he lied or cheated or said horrible things to me. He attempted to come off sincere and I tried to believe him until the cost was too high. When I apologized to him he would twist my words and throw them back in my face until I didn't even know what my feelings should be anymore. I became a master at closing off my emotions and walking away from situations where an apology was needed.
     I was a new Christian when I started dating Bryan, who would become my husband. He started talking about marriage within months. I freaked out. I didn't know if I loved him. What does real love look like? How will I really know when I love him enough to spend the rest of my life with him? Will there be stars in my eyes, fireworks in the sky? Will God speak in a deep Charlton Heston voice and say, "He is the one" or come to me in a burning bush?
      Well obviously none of that happened. A year into our relationship I knew I loved him after we had an argument. I just finished saying something very reckless. I looked into his eyes and saw his hurt. Instead of going back to what I had learned or building up a wall of pride to justify my bad behavior, I really stopped and took a moment to SEE him. I forced myself to silently acknowledge that I had caused pain to a guy that had treated me wonderfully. He was kind, compassionate, loving, fun, and patient. I fought back the words for my protection, "So what, he will be fine, he is a man he doesn't care that much, he will get over it soon, don't give him any power..." My next reaction was deep regret that my words had hurt him. I truly was upset and conflicted! A switch flipped and I was stuttering out, "Bryan, I am so sorry!" The words felt so foreign coming out of my mouth but they got stronger  as I said them again, "I AM SO SORRY'!  I fell to my knees as I cried out, "I did not mean those hateful things. I am so very sorry." 

In that moment, it was crystal clear to me. I love him. I love this man. His eyes were filled with hurt but they did not condemn me. His face wasn't full of judgment just sadness. Even if he turned this around on me, I love him enough to apologize anyway. I love him enough to risk my fear, my pride, and apologize in spite of his reaction. I LOVE him enough to say I am sorry... no matter the cost. 
     Again a little anti-climactic. Instead of fireworks, whispers of sweet nothings, roses, a sappy Hollywood love story...my love was unleashed with the heart felt words of  "I am sorry". One of God's greatest works in me is the ability to recognize when I have hurt someone, try to take responsibility, and take action by apologizing, not perfect for sure but definitely progress. 

 "Create in me a clean heart. Renew the right spirit in me." Psalm 51:10

God cleaned out the junk in my heart and replaced it with his spirit. He tore down my walls and shined the light in. Three little words said with sincerity can make all the difference. In my life it revealed true love.