NUMB! I Can't Even...

God speaks to me when I write. It usually is intensely intimate and emotional. Every word typed is clouded with tears of joy, hope, praise, prayers, lesson learned, and often heartache. It leaves me very vulnerable and extremely raw. A month ago, our world turned upside down with our daughter's diagnosis of Type 1 Diabetes. There are so many thoughts, emotions, and struggles that I am fighting with, so many stories to tell. I feel God trying to get me to the place to write it all out. 

BUT I DON"T WANT TO! I am basically putting my fingers in my ears and refusing to go there. I just want to stay NUMB! I can't deal with these overwhelming feelings that are threatening to consume me. I am just trying to survive...day by day, sometimes moment by moment. Keep busy. Stick to my routines. Take care of the kids, the house, the schedules, the church, and work. Don't stop. Don't slow down. Don't think too much or dwell too long on anything. I am not ready to truly go there with you God! I can't even.....

I have always said that transparency is attractive but these next few posts might not seem that way to many of you. I am working out my faith publicly, not because I want to, I would rather struggle privately, but sharing this very personal journey, might help others see that life is far from perfect but God's promises and truths will get us through no matter what. Even when we don't have the courage or strength to handle any of it. 

I Have This Hope by Tenth Avenue North

As I walk this great unknown

Questions come and questions go

Was there purpose for the pain?

Did I cry these tears in vain?

I don't want to live in fear

I want to trust that You are near

Trust Your grace can be seen

In both triumph and tragedy

I have this hope

In the depth of my soul

In the flood or the fire

You're with me and You won't let go

But sometimes my faith feels thin

Like the night will never end

Will You catch every tear

Or will You just leave me here?

But I have this hope

In the depth of my soul

In the flood or the fire

You're with me and You won't let go

So, whatever happens I will not be afraid

Cause You are closer than this breath that I take

You calm…