My Paperwork...Fail?

When I first became a Christian I definitely felt like I didn't "fit in" with church people. We didn't have a lot in common. There seemed to be these unspoken rules of how to act or "appropriate" behavior that I didn't know much about. For instance, when going to a white elephant party at the worship leader's house don't bring a gift from the store, Spencers...you know the one in the mall with the blackened out windows? A flower made out of condoms is not funny to Baptists. Who knew? At that time in my life I thought it was somewhat tasteful and mild compared to the parties I had been attending. Or when asked in a small group how much I used to drink, the response, "Well, we could count every finger and toe of all the people in this room, times them by 10 and maybe get close", didn't go over well with the crowd. Every time I made one of these "faux pas" I would usually say a swear word and yell at God, "I told you this wasn't for me. I will never fit in. When they see my paperwork I don't pass the test. I feel like they are putting a stamp on it, FAILED or REJECTED!" My comfort zones were bars or parties. At least there I would be accepted especially as people got drunker."

Am I supposed to blend? Not be completely honest? Just smile and act like I understood everything being said at Bible study? Agree with things that seem absurd to me? I pretty much stood out like a sore thumb. Oh yeah, did I mention that I happened to like the poster "choir boy" of the college department? Yes, Bryan was the complete opposite of me in almost every way. We came from different backgrounds to say the least. Dating him caused me to feel like I had to show people my "paperwork", my qualifications for being good enough for him. Again many times "failed or rejected" came across people's faces when they heard about my past.

One night our college leader asked me to give my story to the group. My first response was "hell.. I mean heck darn NO!" That night I prayed about it, again, maybe yelled a bit. "God, are you kidding me? Tell my story? I am just hanging on here! There is no way I am putting myself out there for all these people to judge me. They already look at me weird and act like I am not good enough for Bryan. Can you imagine the reaction if I really opened up? 
Thanks for understanding. I knew this would be a mistake. You don't really want me to say yes...right? Right?"

"Kimberley, I want you to say yes." 

"No God, No! Please don't ask this me. I am embarrassed. I am scared. They will use this information against me. His sister will be there. His parents will find out. Anything but this!"

"Kimberley, no one in that group, not one, is perfect. You have been created new, through my son. Tell our story. Let them know where I found you and what your life looks like now. Be honest, be real, let them see ME through you. Many will judge but remember your identity is in ME!"

Three weeks later I gave my testimony for the first time, with Bryan's sister sitting on the front row and his ex-girlfriend right next to her. Right before I was to begin, I begged God one more time for me not to do this. His answer was, "Kimberley, trust me. I did not give you a spirit of fear. Go!" 

How did it turn out? Well, I was judged by some. Part of my story that I told was thrown into my face years later when I was about to marry Bryan. But I never regretted that night. That night, I said yes. I obeyed. And have never looked back. My paperwork was bought by His blood on the cross!

"He is so rich in kindness and grace that He purchased our freedom with the blood of His Son and forgave our sins." Ephesians 1:7 (NLT)