Secrets

I grew up holding tight to my secrets. I was terrified that anyone would find out about my dad's drinking or my parent's fighting or my sister's rebellious choices. I just wanted to be normal with the type of family you saw on TV (the Cosbys) or from the neighbors down the street. (Beaver Cleaver) Anytime someone asked, "How are you doing?" I pasted a smile on my face, closed off the emotions in my eyes and always replied, "Fine. I'm doing fine." It didn't matter that I was screaming inside, "No, I am not fine. I am scared. I am tired. I don't know what is going to happen tomorrow." I knew most people really didn't want to know what was going on with my personal life. It was easier for them to believe everything was peachy because otherwise they might have to get involved. I usually got the feeling that was the last thing anyone wanted to do. Too messy. Too real. Too awkward. Too much trouble. So I got really good with hiding my secrets. I used humor to cover up the pain and the laughter of others fueled my desire to just "fit" in.

In high school I was voted class clown. The funny girl was always happy she definitely could have any problems. Right? I graduated at the top of my class and got college scholarships thinking that if I was successful people would never guess that I came from dysfunction. I had friends who knew me for years but had no clue what went on inside my home. I kept people at arm's length, afraid for them to get too close. The guilt, the shame, the facade, the superficial.... It was exhausting!

When I met Jesus at 23 one of the things He offered was refuge. "Kimberley, come rest in me. I know you are weary and worn out. The burdens you bear have weighed you down for too long. I will pick them up and carry them for you. Find comfort that you are mine and I will give you refuge from the storms."

But God, I am ashamed. There are so many secrets, so much has happened. Many bad choices. A lot of ugly. I am scared people will find out, especially church people. They would never be able to handle my truth. I just don't think I can ever walk through this.

"Kimberley. You are the daughter of a mighty king. Bought with the blood of my son. Redeemed through my grace and mercy. People will judge, they will throw it back in your face, they will walk away, and you will make them feel uncomfortable with the truth. Let your secrets go, let my LOVE shine in, share your story and the REST is up to me. I will give you everything you need to face this with courage because you are not defined by your past, your present is not built in shame, and your future holds no guilt. Your identity is IN me. Never forget you are MINE!

"Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.” Matthew 11-28-30