A Letter to My Daughter

Dear Lakin,

I may not also say the right things. I may not always do the right things. I probably won't be the coolest parent, the prettiest, the richest, the smartest. I won't be able to give you everything you want or take you wherever you want to go. I will not always say yes even when everyone else is doing it. I care what you wear, who your friends are, where you are spending time. I care about who you are, what you believe, what you stand for. I care more about the woman you will become rather than if you fit in with those around you. I know I will embarrass you, I will frustrate you and make you very angry because you don't understand all the decisions I will make. 

I know I am loud, bossy, opinionated, and it sometimes is hard to live in my shadow. You will not always like me, I probably won't be fond of you all the time. But know one thing my beautiful daughter. I will ALWAYS love you no matter what. Nothing you do good or nothing you do bad will make me love you any more or any less. 

Like this song says" I will stand by you no matter what. I will help you through when you have done all that you can do. I will dry your eyes, and I will fight your fight, I will hold you tight and I won't let go." When you're lost I will reach out for you. When you fall I will catch you. When the storms of life start knocking you down, I will be behind you pushing you up to face the winds. I will never lie to you. I will carry the baggage that is too heavy for you right now. When you feel small I will lift you up on my shoulders. I will use my voice to cheer you on the loudest. I will use my bossiness to make sure you are taken care of. I will voice my opinions when someone hurts your feelings. When you feel worthless I will remind you that you are the daughter of a mighty, mighty king. When you feel unloved I will show you the cross. 

When I first saw you on the sonogram screen I made a vow that I will give my life for you. When I was having trouble delivering you in the hospital I knew a fear of something happening to you that shook me to my core. When they placed you in my arms and you looked up at me I realized that my heart now lived outside my body. You had it clasped in your little hands. I may not be many things but I will always be your mom.

I Won't Let Go (by Rascal Flatts)
It’s like a storm
That cuts a path
It breaks your will
It feels like that
You think you're lost
But you're not lost
On your own
You're not alone

I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let go

It hurts my heart
To see you cry
I know it’s dark
This part of life
Oh, it finds us all
But we’re too small
To stop the rain
Oh, but when it rains

I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can doAnd you can’t cope
I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let you fall

Don’t be afraid to fall
I’m right here to catch you
I won't let you down
It won't get you down
You're gonna make it
Yeah, I know you can make it

Cause I will stand by you
I will help you through
When you’ve done all you can do
And you can’t cope
And I will dry your eyes
I will fight your fight
I will hold you tight
And I won't let go

Oh I’m gonna hold you
And I won't let go
Won't let you go
No, I won't

Clean Slate?

Many of think all we need  is a clean slate. A do over. Maybe we move thousands of miles away, get a new job, get married and change our name. We just want to start over,  paint a new picture, or rewrite the story in a better way. Can't this happen? ......Well yes, kinda, actually no!

Yes, your slate on the outside will look clean and fresh ready for your new journey but underneath lurks the old “stuff”. It is still there waiting to seep through. No matter how far you go your baggage, bad habits, hang-ups, hurts, lessons not learned, will follow. Moving and changing your surroundings don’t make it all magically disappear. You can hide behind the “new” you—for a while. But slowly, fatigue, time pressures, loneliness, frustrations, busyness, hurt feelings all cause the old issues to show their ugly face. No matter how hard you might try... your baggage always seems to jump on your back again weighing you down. Don’t believe me? Think you are different? Your situation is unique? Go for it! Try. Try really hard.

God will either bend you or break you!

“Christ has set us free to live a free life. So take your stand! Never again let anyone put a harness of slavery on you. Galatians 5:1 

 “You are called to be free.”  Galatians 5:13a

Unpacking your baggage is throwing down the gauntlet. It is waging a war with the devil himself. Satan wants to keep you in bondage. He wants to keep you in slavery, tied down with hurtful habits, fears, and sins that block our freedom in Christ. He lies and fills us with pride and arrogance making us believe we can do it on our own, if we try... real hard.

“The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. They have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” 2 Cor 10:4-5

Try until you die. But really it is not about you or your best efforts. The war has already been won. The enemy has been defeated.

“My grace is sufficient for you, my power made perfect in your weakness.” 2 Cor 12:9

“Everyone born of God conquers the world’s ways. The conquering power that brings the world to its knees is our faith.” 1 John 5:4 (Message)

“But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.” 
1 Cor 15:57

There was a pool at Bethesda where a great number of disabled people hung out-the blind, the lame, and the paralyzed.  One guy had been there for over 38 years. Jesus asked him,’ Do you want to get well?” The man gave him some excuses. Jesus was patient and replied, “Get up. Pick up your mat and walk.” The invalid was healed.  Many us have been sitting on "the mat" waaaayyyy too long. Don't you want to get well? 

Will you claim victory? Will you just try harder? Will you ignore everything and pretend the baggage isn’t there anymore? Will you accept your baggage as a friend and miss out on abundant life?

Jesus came to set the captives free! Throw off your yoke of slavery! Give Him your baggage. Let Him heal your wounds.

“But He was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our sins, the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by HIS WOUNDS WE ARE HEALED.”  Isaiah 53:5

That’s what is so amazing about grace. We don’t have to try harder. We don’t have to live in the darkness, captives to our bondage. We only have to accept His perfect love. Our slates are not wiped clean by running away. They are wiped clean by his blood on the cross!

Satan at the Sonic Flood Concert

When I was in high school, my boyfriend at the time, had a mom that was a bit off to say the least. On his 18th birthday she took a baseball bat to his room while we were out to dinner. Throughout my senior year she continued to try to make my life a living hell. She went to games where I was cheer leading and threw ice at me from the stands. She would come to my house when my parents weren't home and lean on the doorbell for hours, cussing at me. She followed me around stores calling me names. She came to my work at the mall and threw merchandise on the floor that I had to pick up. She came to my school and called me names in front of my friends. The final straw was when she tried to run me over in the school parking lot with her truck. My parents called the cops, she was arrested, and I had to get a restraining order so she wouldn't ruin my prom or graduation that were coming up or worse hurt me. Needless to say, I disliked her intensely. In fact I would say it bordered on hatred. Instead of celebrating my last year of school and having the time of my life, I was constantly looking over my shoulder and dodging a 42 year old woman and her very large family. She seemed related to half of Tucson.

Fast forward 10 years. I graduated from college, became a Christian, was a newlywed, and serving with my husband as youth leaders in a local church. We were taking a group of about 50 students to the Newsboys, Sonic Flood concert at Casas Adobes Baptist. We arrived with youth in tow, McDonalds in hand, ready to listen to an awesome night of worship. As I glanced around the building I thought wow this place fits a lot of people. Maybe around 3000. My eyes stop. My mouth drops. Sitting about 30 feet away from me sat HER. My old boyfriend’s mom!!  I grabbed Bryan's arm and said, "Oh my gosh. She's here. She is here. Satan is at the Sonic Flood Concert."

I had obviously told Bryan the whole story. He knew just exactly how I felt about her. He knew how she had tortured me. He replied, "So?" "So! So!" I quietly screamed, "What do you mean so? Don't you remember who she is and what she did to me?" He replied," Yes, Kimberley. I remember but that was a long time ago. You have changed maybe she has too. Why don't you go talk to her?"  Through clenched teeth, I said, "Talk to her? Talk to her? Why don't you go talk to her?" With that I shoved my McDonald's bag at him and walked away. I had lost my appetite and was sick to my stomach. I was mad at him for even suggesting I should talk to her. Did he not understand the depths of my fear? The intensity of my hatred?

The lights dimmed and Sonic Flood came on to sing. The song was one of my favorites, If I Could Sing of Your Love Forever. Shaking with fear, anger, hurt... the words pierced my very soul.

"Over the mountains and the sea
Your river runs with the love for me
and I will open up my heart
and let the healer set me free.
I’m happy to be in the truth
and I will daily lift my hands
for I will always sing of when Your love came down.

I heard the spirit say to me, "Kimberley I am the healer. I have set you free. Go to her. I will be with you." No God, No.. anyone but her. Don't you know what she did? Don't you know how horrible she is? She might hurt me." With tears streaming down my face, I sang the words with the band, “I can sing of your love forever..”

"Kimberley if you love me you will obey. Go to her." Lord what exactly do you want me to say? What could I possibly say to her?" "I want you to tell her you’re sorry. I want you to tell her that you have me and I have changed your life."  "SORRY? You want me to apologize to her. I don't have anything to be sorry for. SHE should be apologizing to me. God, she was so mean and hateful. Did you see her try to run me over with her truck?" "Kimberley I saw it all. Go to her." 

At this point I think I might be actually going crazy. I go to the bathroom to get myself together and start making deals.

"God, I do love you but you are asking too much. Besides, there is a concert going on. It is too loud and very dark."

As I am walking back to my place, the music stops and all the lights come on. What!!! It was intermission. They had to turn the lights on to get ready for the Newsboys. "God there are too many people around her. I can't walk through a crowd." I glance over as her group starts to disperse. "God they aren't all gone there are still a few there. I can't talk with students around, it could get ugly."

Just then everybody leaves. It is just her and her sister sitting on the bleachers. "Okay..okay but God  what if she tries to fight me? She is that kind of person. It would not be good to have to throw down at a Christian concert in front of my husband’s youth group. What if I can't talk? What if she wont let me talk? God please anything but this."

"Kimberley, do not be afraid. I will be with you. I will be with you."

Bryan walks over and asks me if I am okay. I snap at him, "I am fine. Do you have a business card?" "Why?" "I don't know just give it to me." With his card in my hand I take a deep breath, close my eyes, and beg, "Please, please God let this be of you and me not losing my mind." I march over and she is kind of up on the front row of a bleacher. The only way to talk to her is to kneel in front of her. KNEEL in front of her! I get down and look up at her. She gives me that look, of hatred. Before I had a chance to speak she sneers, "Yeah, I know who you are what do you want?" I say nothing. She yells at me, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" 

I take a deep breath and say one last prayer..here I go...."I wanted to say I am sorry. I am so sorry if I have caused you or your family any hurt or pain. I am sorry for my reckless words and how I handled certain situations. I was young and scared. I have accepted Jesus as My Lord and Savior. He has changed my life and I am a different person now." She just looks at me and says nothing. She stands up. I back away thinking on my gosh she wants to fight. She crosses her arms and says, "If you have the guts to come kneel in front of me and apologize after everything between us there must be something different in your life. I accept your apology." And she gives me a hug. Still shaking with fear I reach into my pocket and give her my husband’s business card which has our home phone number on it. If you ever need to talk give me a call." 

As I was walking away doubt crept in and I thought I have just given her a way to find me. That could be a big mistake. I walked over to Bryan and fell crying into his arms. I silently said, "God, she did not apologize to me. She did not take any responsibility for all the horrible things she did."  "Kimberley, it is not about her. It is about your healing and obedience."

A few weeks later I was at Gadabout (when I could afford to get my haircut there) and she was right in front of me with her eldest daughter. I just stood there frozen, not knowing how she would react, scared to think there might be a confrontation. She gave me a big smile and hug and said to her daughter, "It's okay. We like her now. Tell the all the family if they see her to be nice to her." (Think Mafia, Godfather-ish) Her daughter smiled and gave me a little head nod. I thought to myself, "Fine I'll take that rather than a fight."

Eight months later, I had just had our first child and the phone rang. It was her. "Kimberley, my son wants to come back into the family and I want to know your opinion. Can we go to lunch?" I was not ready for lunch with her but I glanced down at my newborn daughter and said, "You and I both know people can change especially when Jesus is in their life. If you can forgive me you can forgive your son. Family is too important to let walk away." She said, "Thank you. I hope you and your new daughter will be blessed."

Everybody has a Nineveh, a place they do not want to go, a person they absolutely do not want to reach out to, a behavior they refuse to give up no matter who it hurts, a fear that seems too big to overcome. Jonah jumped on a ship and went to the opposite ends of the world to escape his Nineveh. How far are you willing to go to run away from God?  

I went to my Nineveh and the rewards outweighed the fear!

“Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think.” Ephesians 3:20

I Was So Wrong....

My first year of teaching I had stars in my eyes, apples all over my shirt, and a lot of head knowledge that I had gained from my Master's Degree in education and teacher certification program. I walked in to my student teaching class in an inner city school and almost walked right out. I had 33 students staring at me (wasn’t the cap 28?), all different shapes, sizes, and ethnic backgrounds. It reminded me of a multicultural conference. I suddenly felt inadequate at best and could feel the fear of monumental failure in the near future. Everything this class threw at me I tried to shake through my narrow viewpoints and filters. I was astounded at the lack of parental involvement, lack of determination to succeed, apathy towards education, foul language, physical, sexual, and emotional abuse by their parents, homework never turned in, no shows at conferences, no responsibility taken for their actions..the list goes on. I foolishly thought that these students just haven’t been given enough motivation and correct instruction. If I gave them the self-discipline to finish assignments or the structure to do their best or enough penalties or rewards they would turn things around. I definitely thought my way is the right way, my students just had to see it really work.

One day, one of my students, a Hispanic male from a very low income home, was falling asleep in class. He did not have his homework turned in again but was really trying to work his way up to the next math level. I knew this child was smart maybe he just needed discipline! “Where was his homework? Why is he falling asleep? Maybe he should go to bed earlier and take pride in himself....blah, blah...” He looked up at me with these big, brown eyes and said words that will forever be etched into my heart, “Mrs. Lee I am sorry I did not turn in my homework. I wanted to make you proud of me today but last night I had to stay up and guard my mom so my dad wouldn’t beat her.” At that moment I knew I had it wrong. So very wrong. These students didn't need my way of learning or thinking. They needed me to see where they were coming from, how they lived, the obstacles they had to overcome just to get to school. They did not have the benefits of growing up white, upper middle class, educated, everybody has a house, a car, and a white picket fence. They were not expected to all go to college, make something of themselves, pursue the American dream, land a job making over $35,000 dollars a year. Most of these families struggled to survive, on minimum wage, working in the jobs where nobody in my world would ever go.

Over the next few years, my students taught me more on the power of resilience and the ability to overcome issues bigger than their age group should ever have to handle. When I started becoming involved in their cultures, getting to know the families, becoming invested in them as individuals, only then did I truly become the teacher I needed to be to meet their needs. I gave myself permission to let go of what I thought the “ideal” teacher should look like. It was okay to learn the Macarena Dance and look foolish if it helped me to connect. It was okay to try to eat the very different foods their parents brought in because that was their only way to say thank you. It was definitely okay to let them do homework at school if they had no place else to get it done.

I stayed “true to myself” by never pretending I knew where they were coming from. I didn’t. I never again assumed they would think like me. They wouldn’t. I never again looked at just the surface of  what walked into my classroom. There was always a story behind every face. I also still set very high expectations for all my students regardless of where they came from but everybody had a different way to get there. And most of all when they failed or when I failed them, we never allowed ourselves to quit. Tomorrow was a new day. We started all over and painted the picture any way we wanted to even if it was only during school hours...so be it.

Open House

Our house is like a revolving door sometimes. Often we have college students coming in and out all hours of the day/night. Some will come for dinner (weird because I am not a good cook), some just come to talk or hang out. They might stay an hour or two. I think the record was a full twelve. They might use our house as a meeting point before they go somewhere else or watch movies when we are not home. We have 16-24 people every Monday night over for dinner. Many have keys. It has been that way for the past ten years.

I know a few of you reading this are horrified and question our sanity. Others shake their heads and say, "Well that works for you and Bryan but I would go crazy. I need my down time. I like my personal space. I don't want to entertain." Or, "How about your safety? What if they steal something? What about your kids? Do you clean the house all the time? What do you actually do with them?" The question asked the most is, "Why?"

Well because we made a promise. Right after we had our first child we were living in a town home and wanted to buy a house for our new family. With stars in our eyes we showed up at the bank thinking how bad could this be? Reality hit within minutes. Although we barely had any debt and really good credit scores, we did not make enough money. We were trying to sign up through the teacher/law enforcement program which did not require any money down but we did not qualify. We missed their target score by 11 points! As we got up to leave empty handed the loan officer said wait a minute there has to be something I can do! She made a few phone calls and pulled a few strings.....we got approved!

When the realtor passed us the keys and we walked through our new home, we were in awe that it was ours! Right then and there we made a promise that our home would be a place of peace, a refuge for others. We would open and use it to further God's kingdom to the best of our ability even when it hurt. We did not have a plan of action or even how it would all work out. It just kind of happened....What do we do? We have played dance charades, games, watched movies, had Wii contests, eat, yard work, but most of all we talk and live life together.

Has it always been easy? No, but it has always been worth it. Is our house big or really cool? No, it was a fixer upper and we still have a lot of work to do. Is it because you and Bryan are so much fun? Again, no. In the last ten years we have had three babies in the house, toys everywhere, the chaos of toddlers, construction in the back and front yards, a two year bathroom project, a small TV, no cable, and we just got AC three years ago!

Bryan and I are amazed and humbled that people come over as often as they do. But over the years we found out that they come because we make ourselves available to listen, to share life together, and to be a part of something bigger than ourselves. People want to be accepted, loved, and heard...

So yes it can be a hassle, we don't clean as much as we should, we go to bed really late, we usually put people before projects, our boundaries are blurry, we give up a lot of our personal space and time, we never have leftovers, chaos reigns! But as a family we are passionate about people. We are committed to leaving people less alone and less hurt. We made a promise....

"Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people...." Acts 2:46-47