Losing My Mind?

A new Christian asked me the other day what has helped me the most change my life over the last 20 years of following Jesus? I was totally unprepared for this kind of question! My mind went blank at first and then started scrolling through all these great Christian clichés; God's love, the awesomeness of the cross, memorizing scripture, reading the Bible, going to church, serving others, helping people on their journeys, being in community....how do I pick just one? All of these things were foundational in my faith! In an instant of clarity, it came to me! What have I had to do daily, over and over, sometimes minute by minute to change my way of thinking, to break free of my past, and to have victory over the enemy? "Capturing my thoughts"!

To be honest, most of the time I feel like I am losing my mind. The struggle is real and fierce to not let negative thoughts overwhelm the truth of the cross. The noise and distraction of the world bombard me with so many things contrary to what I know God wants for my life. It is easy and comfortable to fall into the cycle of being critical of everyone around me, especially my family. It's more natural to place blame and find fault with my workplace, the church, the government, Ebola carriers, traffic cameras, bad parents, the education system, bank bailouts, and everything else in between. 

I have a choice on how I am going to think and what filter I'm going to use to respond. If left to my own devices, I would give into my fears and critical nature. I would run around screaming, "The sky is falling!" and rip apart everyone from the McDonalds cashier who can't take my order correctly to my husband who can't seem to get his calendar organized.

But when I said yes to following Jesus I knew I could not trust my own stinking thinking. I knew the person I was in my past was not the person I wanted to become. I knew that in order to change my thoughts I had to "capture" them. What does this really mean? How do I put this into practice? Literally, when a negative, ugly or critical thought comes into my mind, I stop and start praying it away. I try to replace it with a truth I have learned from God's word, maybe even quote scripture. Sometimes, I ask God to take it out of my brain by reminding me of a positive memory to replace it. I also have been known to talk to myself, "Lord, change my heart, change my attitude, and help me not kill anyone." (Repeat as needed, even if it’s over and over again within a few minutes).

Does this always work? NOOOOO! I also make the choice to not capture my thoughts and give in to my fears, frustrations, anger, and critical nature. Usually, this does not turn out so well and I have to go back and apologize to someone. When I listen to lies and untruths it is easy to become overwhelmed, depressed, doubtful, and foolish! The cycle of letting my thoughts run amok is addicting and difficult to break once I get rolling. It’s amazing how fast relationships start breaking down when people sit in the "crappy" thinking for too long. Your viewpoint of God can even start changing and that leads to nowhere good!

So to answer my friend's question, one of the things that have helped me the most in my life is capturing my thoughts! Otherwise I could see myself losing my mind :)

"We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We capture their rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ." 

2 Cor 10:5

What On Earth Am I Here For?

I have just finished my third time through the Bible study, "What on Earth Am I Here For?" by Rick Warren. For those of you who know me, I rarely EVER re-watch a movie (maybe Top Gun..don't judge me), reread a book (only parts of the Bible), or re-do anything! I am way too impatient and have so many other things I want to accomplish. So that I have been through this study 3 times is pretty amazing. What's so different about it? 

At first, it seems like Christianity 101. I should know all this right? I am a pastor's wife and have followed Jesus for over 20 years. But what struck me the most is the all the "A-HA” moments I had. Something just clicked! Pastor Warren answers foundational questions as to why we even exist. Because to be honest, there have been times in my life where I have wondered why God even bothered creating us. I have questioned why He didn't do a better job with humans because we can be really, really awful. I have sat on my bed and screamed, "What do you want from me? Really?" 

I re-learned that I was created by God for his purpose, so HE could love ME! I was planned for God's pleasure (worship), formed for God's family (fellowship), created to become like Christ (discipleship), shaped for serving God (ministry) and I was made for a mission (evangelism). 

Until we understand that we were made by God for His purposes, life will never make sense. And a life without purpose is a life without meaning. True significance is not about prestige, power, pleasure, or possessions. It’s about KNOWING the one who created us. 

If you live to be 70 years old, you will live 25,550 days. Don't you think its worth to find out what you are supposed to do with them, instead of getting to the end and realizing you might have wasted most of those days on many things that do not matter for eternity?

"For everything, absolutely everything, above and below, visible and invisible...everything got started in Him and finds its purpose in Him." Colossians 1:16 (MSG)

Superficial Has to Be Easier!

su·per·fi·cial -concerned only with what is obvious or apparent : not thorough or complete : affecting only the outer part or surface of something : not deep or serious : not having or showing any depth of character or understanding

Today, I want to be superficial, syrupy-sweet, and just coast through life! It is like having a cut; superficial is good, heals faster, doesn't hurt as much, and probably won't leave a scar. The deeper the injury, the higher the pain, healing takes longer, it will probably bleed more, and will most likely leave a mark, a reminder of the bad experience. As I look back over the years, I feel a little battered with "bruises, scrapes, injuries, and scars" of being called to go deeper with people. I feel like I have been fighting for so long against the enemy that is devouring many of the relationships around me. People normally "hate the messenger" or usually don't want to be held accountable for their words and actions. Often when you have to speak truth, you are not as well liked and rarely labeled the "sweet" one.

Isn't ignorance bliss?  Maybe I don't want to closely examine things, go against the grain, or swim against the tide. Deep is messy. Character is hard. The truth hurts. Why should I be the one telling it! When people say, "Why can't you just be happy for me?" I am going to say, "Fine! I am superficial and only care about what is going on at the surface level, so sure, let's go with the flow." Seriousness is for the birds and engineers! Today is a new day. I am going to just smile and tell everyone what they want to hear. It has to be easier!

And then I walked into my hallway and my daughter asked me if her outfit was okay. My first, reaction was to say, "Sure! Looks great. Have a nice day." It's easier; she will think I am cool. What does it really matter? I don't want to fight "it" today! But..... I just couldn't. "Honey, I can see why you like that outfit but let's just look a little closer as to what message that shirt and shorts might be saying to others. Even if that's not your intention could it be taken that way? Can you find another option please?" 

A few minutes later a friend text me and asked if I thought it would be okay for him to date before he was divorced because they have been separated for months and the marriage is over except in paper. AGH! He is not going to like the answer! Just tell him whatever he wants, don't get involved, talked around the issue, don't rock the boat! But ....... I couldn't.  "I believe the wise thing to do is to wait until you have gone through the healing process and unpacked why your 20 year marriage fell apart. Having a girlfriend might cause confusion for your kids and that is the last thing they need right now.  I think maybe the focus should be on your relationship with God, not starting something new."  He replied, "You just don't want me to be happy!" Well, there went my sweet, easy-breezy coasting through life, all in an half an hour of waking up! 

"Kimberley, I never promised you walking with me would easy. I promised I would never leave you. Nowhere does it say in my word that following me won't open you up to ridicule, scorn, and mockery. Do not forget you are in the middle of a battle! A battle for truth, "whatever is pure, honorable, right, admirable, and worthy of praise." I created you to be a fighter! But don't fight against how and why I created you. Do everything in love. And remember the battle is not against people but of the principalities of darkness. I will give you the strength to press on! I will give you my Holy Spirit to guide your way. You must stand for something..will it be Me?"

 "Keep your eyes open for spiritual danger; stand true to the Lord; act like men; be strong; and whatever you do, do it with kindness and love." 1 Cor 16:13-14 (TLB)

"My prayer for you is that you will overflow more and more with love for others, and at the same time keep on growing in spiritual knowledge and insight, for I want you always to see clearly the difference between right and wrong... Philippians 1:9-10a (TLB)

Piles of "Crap"!

I am semi-organized...in my house everything has its place but the things I don't want to deal with especially paperwork to file, bills to be paid, mail to sort through, taxes to figure out, goes into a pile. Now they ARE organized piles. Piles with a purpose. Neat piles if you will. Sometimes I actually move them around, shuffle them a bit to make myself feel accomplished but rarely do I go through them except in a panic to find something. I don't actually "deal" with them on a regular basis.

Yesterday, I was FORCING myself to tackle one of the piles because we are getting our floor done and it must be gone. I DREADED going through it! I might even have been feeling some anxiety about how overwhelming the task was going to be and I didn't know where to start!

As I was procrastinating by painting the baseboards, because yeah that makes sense in the big scheme of things, it hit me! That the way I feel about those dumb piles is the way I feel about some of my issues! You know the issues we all have that we just don't want to take care of so we put them off. Maybe walk around them, act like they aren't there because thinking about them causes angst, apprehension, or fear. The conversations we might be avoiding, the sin we keep not confessing, the anger we let explode, the pride that halts our growth, the negative thoughts that make us critical, the perfectionism that makes us controlling......those issues that have been moving around in our life for a very long time.

Funny thing though even if I pretend my piles aren't there or flat out ignore them doesn't mean they go away by themselves. There is no magic fairy waving a wand or a genie twitching her nose that will make it all disappear. To clear those piles will take work, fortitude, the willingness to get to the bottom no matter what comes up, the courage to face the truth no matter how painful, the perseverance to not quit when it gets tough, and the humbleness to ask for help even if you are embarrassed. Some of those piles or issues seem like mountains too high to climb. It probably will get really messy before any progress is made. Why not leave them alone? What is it really hurting? My piles, my issues, are just who I AM!

"The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life." John 10:10 

Sometimes we wait too long and our marriages crumble, relationships drift apart, debt mounts, bitterness sets in, procrastination happens, certain sins become way too comfortable. We justify that others are worse or we outright deny that we have any issues at all. We settle for less than. We agree to "this is it". We don't claim the mighty promises of our generous God. We stick our head in the sand like an ostrich and let our "piles" accumulate, hinder, and stop us from living an awesome life!

But God created us to be free of all the stuff that trap us and keep us just going through the motions. "There is a true peace and satisfaction that comes from being completely submitted to God's will—knowing you are living in the manner He wants you to live. Then you are free to live the joyful life, the complete life, the free life—the life Jesus describes as "more abundant." (Yohn) 

Which pile do you want to tackle first? One paper, one issue at a time! It's about progress, not perfection!

Frantic!

Since starting a new school year about a month ago, the word that keeps popping in my mind is FRANTIC! Between buying school supplies, getting homework done, scheduling all the sports practices and games, trying to do laundry, maybe cook a meal or two, go to church, lead small groups, go to work, coach volleyball, try to find time for romance, make sure kids are feeling valued, take care of the finances, go to the grocery store, shop for birthday parties, open houses, wedding showers, engagements, and worst of all LUNCHES 5 times a week for all of us! Most nights I crawl into bed and think, "Whew! I made it one more day."

I try to be thankful that I am alive, have a great husband, healthy kids, a home that is almost paid off, and a job to make the bills. I try to remember that I serve a God who is big and has a plan for my life. But I find it much easier to get distracted by the business of life and the franticness of checking all the boxes on my To-Do list!!I tell myself it’s okay BECAUSE I am doing good things like raising kids, loving my husband, and serving the church. I justify our life choices by saying it's only for a short time, other families are worse, BUSY is the new norm people..right? We might be hamsters running on the wheel but at least we're exercising!

Then I heard Perry Noble say, "Many of us are putting so much time and effort into things that have no eternal value. They might be good things but they are not the great things that God wants for our life because they do not have eternal significance."

Oh...good but not great? What does that mean in reality? "Kimberley, if you put up a schedule of how you and your family spend your time how much is blocked off for Me? Am I a box to be checked on Sundays and prayers at mealtimes? Would my time be crowded with sports, music lessons, movies, video games, watching TV, computers, working out (NOT), crafts, etc, etc? All those things are good but I created you for SO MUCH MORE! Your kids may be straight A students, star athletes, or music virtuosos but do they know Me? Am I just in your lives or am I the reason for your lives? This is not a life of balance where you juggle Me along with the rest. I AM."

You were created to love me and get to know me. You were made to love others and be in community with fellow believers. You were made to serve others and my church. You were made to go tell everyone the good news so they may have eternal life.

"So if you’re serious about living this new resurrection life with Christ, act like it. Pursue the things over which Christ presides. Don’t shuffle along, eyes to the ground, absorbed with the things right in front of you. Look up, and be alert to what is going on around Christ—that’s where the action is. See things from his perspective." Colossians 3:1-2