don't do it around you."
This conversation hit me wrong almost immediately. It did not settle with me for many reasons. Are Bryan and I these perceived goody-two shoes that people walk on egg shells around? Do they think we are so bound by rules that they think they have to act differently or not be themselves around us? I have always tried not to judge others because I live in a very, fragile, glass house. Also, I am who I am all the time. Who I am at my house is who I am around my friends, at church on Sunday, at my work, at the ball field, or wherever I am. There are not five different "Kimberleys" made-to-order according to the situation. Not only does that sound exhausting, what if I mess up? What if I pull out the wrong Kimberley that is not appropriate at the time? Changing personalities does not sound very authentic or filled with integrity. I would question who is the real person or ask if their name is Sybil?
Fast forward a few months this same student was questioning if its possible to be happily married? Everyone around her is miserable, cheating, quitting, separated, or divorced. While, I stated that there are not 100% guarantees in any relationship there are things you can do to build your relationship on a healthy foundation. I reminded her of our past conversation. "Do you remember those things you said a few months ago that you had to "clean-up" around Bryan and me? Those are the "things" we "cleaned-up" to help stop erosion in our marriage.
EROSION: the gradual destruction of something
Foul language erodes relationships. It used to be such an ingrained part of my vocabulary I didn't even notice how much I used the "F'bomb or other curse words. Previous boyfriends called me horrible names and our fights were littered with trash talk especially in arguments. I accepted that as normal. Bryan and I have been together fifteen years and we have had quite a few crazy arguments but we never bring foul language into the mix. I can not imagine now, the man I love, calling me the "B word", telling me to shut-up, or worse. We also try not to put each other down in front of others or call each other names. Constantly bad mouthing your spouse even in jest erodes the relationship. Is the joke more important than your partner's feelings? Is the name you keep calling each other encouraging or degrading? Pretty soon if you hear something enough you will start believing it.
We try to be consistent in who we are no matter the circumstance. There is comfort and trust in knowing how your spouse is going to respond most of the time because their behavior is consistent. I rarely look at my husband and think, "Wow I had no idea about that when we got married or that behavior is totally a surprise!" I don't have to walk around on egg shells wondering which Bryan is going to walk through the door after work or guess which Bryan will show up when I tell him I tore off the car mirror by hitting a tree.
We have chosen to not have our life revolve around alcohol. Alcohol can be very deceiving and overuse can lead to bad judgment even with a person that has great intentions. I have made many regrettable decisions while under the influence. This has no place in my marriage when I need all my facilities clear just to make it through the day :)
Making sure our actions match our words is very important too. Integrity is doing the right thing no matter who you are with even if it's uncomfortable. When I go out for ladies night I don't turn into a person or say stuff that would diminish my marriage vows. When I tell college students about the things I stand for I don't do those things in secret when they are not around. When my husband asks me a question I don't lie no matter how small it seems even when I think he will be disappointed. His trust in my words are more important than "getting away" with something.
Erosion doesn't happen overnight or all of a sudden. It is not always a big catastrophic event that gets immediate attention. Erosion is much sneakier, creeping up on us without much notice. We start accepting behavior that gradually tears us down or wears away our self-esteem. The "little things" begin to eat into our commitments destroying our truths inch by inch. It can take many months or even years for us to finally take a hard look at ourselves and realize we are unrecognizable because of what we have let corrode our souls.
"Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. Keep your mouth free of perversity; keep corrupt talk far from your lips. Let your eyes look straight ahead; fix your gaze directly before you.Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways." Proverbs 4:23-26
0 comments:
Post a Comment